Long Distance Nebulousness

viracochaloves

New member
Perhaps an alias character list would aid this thread:
Me- Viracocha
The Couple (primary partners)
Jeremy
Janet
their ex girlfriend- Mikeala
their current girlfriend- Pam

I'm in a poly predicament; I dated a couple in grad school. They had always kept to triad polyfidelius relationships, and the couple were primary partners. I was maybe their 3rd or 4th girlfriend, which was impressive for a couple in their twenties. They were seasoned, emotionally competent for multiple relationships, safe and direct about all things, and probably the shining beacon of qualities poly people should have.

They had remained in contact with a girlfriend that left for India for a year. They never explicitly said whether it was at the time romantic or platonic from a distance, and I was new to the relationship (and polyamory) so I didn't think it was a big deal.

I got a dreamy job abroad and left for South America. The month I leave Mikeala returns and they return to dating her. I kept in touch with the couple, and through the struggles and amazement of a new culture, they were an anchor for me. The prospect of seeing them again kept me going for a long time. Their relationship with Mikeala ended abruptly (unapproved infidelity) and the couple eventually went on occasional dates with others while I tried out dates in Latin America as well.

My non-conformative philosophies, feminism, bisexuality, and cultural identity clashed in a conservative, catholic nation. It was my hope that I could seek the thinkers within the culture, but after two terribly misunderstood non-monogamous relationships (anarchy, in reality), heartbreak, and a harrowing, life threatening sexual assault, Latin America and I were ready to end things.

The couple started getting serious with a new girl who happened to have parents living where I grew up; in a timing lineup of epic proportions we all are in Colorado at the same time. The couple had also explicitly stated that they knew I was around and that I was a big reason they would decide to make the trip to visit Pam's parents and give some attention to me as well. I had never met Pam, had no idea whether we had anything in common or would get along at all. Narrowing in on the dates they would be in town their girlfriend's family had an emergency and told me they weren't sure they could dedicate very much time to me. I of course understood and knew it was hard for them- I decisively did not make an itinerary for them or have set expectations.

The day I have with them, one year after feeling my heart torn leaving them for South America, was interpersonally challenging. I was also half expecting to not be able to see them at all. I had thought I loved these people, and somehow thought we would return to each other romantically- maybe not immediately back to the physical comfort and a stable relationship, but somewhere close to that ballpark. But the reality was I didn't even feel comfortable with platonic hugs because I just didn't emotionally understand all of the complex things going on. Pam was an interesting person, it was very obvious why Jeremy and Janet liked her, but she is a complete stranger to me. And a stranger that didn't seem 100% comfortable spending a day with her partners' nebulous, undefined partner.

In a turn of events worthy of a RomCom, we are at the mall in the late afternoon and Pam's mother makes a dinner reservation downtown for the coming hour; I don't have a mode of transportation home and out of politeness I agree to come to dinner. I probably would have sooner hitchhiked home than having dinner with the "in-laws" of someone I not only wasn't dating but just met. Not that they were bad people; it was just highly socially confusing for me.

In a wonderful turn of events, I find myself in a position to return to the city in which we met before the turn of 2015. It's not explicitly to be with them, in fact the social confusion makes me question whether I am cut out for polyamory. I have this self-effacing feeling that they wouldn't at all be open to a V style relationship in order to welcome me back and maintain things with Pam. I don't know that I'm strong enough emotionally to even try, or ask. I also happen to be moving back around the time Pam is doing long-term medical volunteering trip abroad, which might make it easier to return to Janet and Jeremy, but horribly complicate it when Pam returns.

We are all in our twenties, navigating the difficult job market, career development, deciding between what our hearts and minds want, and all within the sphere of this seldomly chosen relationship style, which in and of itself has a huge spectrum of definitions. It's kind of fascinating and beautiful, but also putting me in states of puzzlement- both intellectually and emotionally.
 
It's not explicitly to be with them, in fact the social confusion makes me question whether I am cut out for polyamory. I have this self-effacing feeling that they wouldn't at all be open to a V style relationship in order to welcome me back and maintain things with Pam. I don't know that I'm strong enough emotionally to even try, or ask. I also happen to be moving back around the time Pam is doing long-term medical volunteering trip abroad, which might make it easier to return to Janet and Jeremy, but horribly complicate it when Pam returns.

I can see how the situation you described could be socially intimidating. As an introvert, I prefer to only be around people that I know very well. But awkward can also be just that, awkward, it doesn't necessarily mean anything bad - just an experience you have never had before.

In terms of moving back to the city that you met the couple in...I think that you need to make that decision independently of whether or not you decide to pursue anything with the couple.

These "feelings" that you have that they wouldn't be open to welcoming you back while maintaining things with Pam - THOSE can be sorted out with communication. You ask. If they are not willing/able to "go there" then they aren't and you move on with whatever decisions you make. Regarding Pam leaving and coming back - that is her decision to make, yes, it MAY be complicated - or NOT. A lot can happen in the meantime.

You can't control anyone else's feelings/behaviours/actions. If you feel that you are not "strong enough emotionally" to try this - then you can either 1.) avoid it and keep questioning, 2.) face it and see if you ARE strong enough and/or 3.) work on strengthening yourself emotionally (counselling, etc.) IF you decide you want to move back to the city - that is up to you. IF you are interested in pursing a relationship with the couple - then you ASK if they are interested in pursuing a relationship with you. IF Pam is not interested in staying with them if they are also with you - then THEY have a decision to make. IF they decide to pursue a relationship with you then Pam has a decision to make. Each person in this has the right and obligation to make their own decisions and own their own shit...
 
What JaneQSmythe said.

Hi Viracocha,

Thank you for sharing your story with us; you have had quite an adventure so far. I think you should ask Jeremy and Janet if they would be willing to try a (closed quad?) relationship with you and Pam. You'll never know if you can do it unless you try it.

But yes, some appointments with a poly-friendly counselor might be helpful too. A way for you to get your thoughts all sorted out.

We'll be happy to help too on this forum, in any way we can.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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