Married but recently poly-hubby wants to stop

Junction216

New member
Hubby and I have been married almost 20 years and have one adult child and one that lives at home. We've had our ups and downs and a few indiscretions. We've been exploring an open marriage/poly for about a year now. We've each had relationships outside our marriage during this time - his being far more sexual than mine. But he's had a very hard time finding a woman who is ok with him being married. Right now he's talking to a couple women but says it's just friends.

I've been with my metamour for a couple months now. After not making that emotional connection with any guys I was talking to, hubby practically forced me to contact my current metamour (he was one of my indiscretions years ago). Metamour and I love each other very much! And there is a very strong emotional as well as physical connection.

At first, hubby was totally cool with it. It didn't bother him at all. There were no "rules" as far he was concerned. He even took me by to see metamour while we were out running errands. But as time has gone by (and he has failed to find his own metamour), he's changed the rules. Metamour and I have only seen each other briefly once in the last two months. No sex. Now hubby has changed the rules - no sex and I can't even see him. He wants me to just stop talking to him altogether but I refused. It's putting a strain on our marriage. Metamour wants me in his life. Even if it's just friends. But he's really upset about the new "rules". I don't know how to proceed. Hubby is willing to walk away-no Hard feelings. But I want both :(
 
First things first. Metamour is the wrong term. Your husband and this boyfriend are metamours to each other. Your are a metamour to any girlfriends your husband has. Boyfriend is simply a boyfriend, lover, mack daddy, sugar buns or whatever else you like to call him. Your husband changing the rules mid game after getting the two of you together and supporting the relationship is shitty of him. I've been through it myself and it messes your whole world up. Its unfair to you and him. You either have some tough choices to make or maybe when gala girl gets here you can use one of the many links she likes to provide to help your husband get a grip on things. Are you able to fend for yourself financially should you become separated or divorced?
 
Thank you for the clarification in terms.

Yes, I am the primary wage earner. Hubby works so that we can do the extra stuff.

I'm afraid it's going to come to that. I'm unhappy not having boyfriend the way I want. And I know I'll be unhappy if hubby leaves. :(
 
I don't know how qualified I am to give advice here, but I've been doing a lot of reading lately; it sounds like your husband is the classic 'Fair-Weather Fan'. When things are going well for him, he's all about being poly, but when he hits a dry patch, it becomes all about him and you and anything that could take your attention away from him has to be dealt with.

In other words... he's more than a bit controlling and thinks about himself and his desires more than you and your needs, which is bad in -any- relationship. I hate to say it, but if you can't sit him down and talk some sense into him... at least make him realize what he's doing and how he's acting... you're going to have to choose, regardless of how unhappy it makes you. Doing nothing will just let things get worse.
 
Does your husband want someone else more than he wants you? He may already feel that he's losing you to your boyfriend, and he has no-one to fill the gap. I think it's generally true that women have a much easier time finding someone else (although the focus may mostly be sexual) than men, especially married men, despite all the clandestine affairs that appear to exist.

His chances to find partners will improve if he's divorced - but he's unlikely to find poly partners. More likely, he'll find a series of shorter relationships.

If that's the case, you may still be able to keep him as a bf (along with your other bf), even if you don't remain married.

Obviously, this isn't the solution you prefer, but it is an alternative that may work, and perhaps better than losing him completely.

You are experiencing a common problem, and it can be difficult for the less successful partner to adjust to the changed dynamic. They feel left out and what may have originally been seen as a good idea becomes less and less appealing as the reality doesn't match their expectations. It's a lot of work for many (if not most) to adjust to the realities of poly relationships.
 
Hi Junction216,

Re (from OP):
"[Boyfriend] wants me in his life. Even if it's just friends. But he's really upset about the new 'rules.'"

If you continue to abide by those rules, will your boyfriend break up with you? You might want to ask him if you haven't already.

If he feels that the rules are a deal breaker, then you are headed for a crossroads where you'll be forced to choose between your husband and your boyfriend. I know it's not what you want but it could happen. You might want to prepare yourself.

If your boyfriend can stand to keep on following the rules (even if he doesn't like it), then I guess you can keep your boyfriend as well as your husband -- but under restrictions that you yourself probably aren't too thrilled about. Is your husband worth those restrictions to you?

The one other route is I guess you could "call your husband's bluff:" Tell him you're going to conduct your relationship with your boyfriend as you see fit, and your husband's new rules be damned. Tell him you'd like him to stay but you won't insist. Tell him that if he does stay, the conditions will be that you'll be abiding by your own rulebook -- not his.

Obviously, if you do that, your husband might leave.

The force and effect of the rules your husband wants you to follow is equal to forbidding you to practice any nonmonogamy at all -- at least not until further notice. I find his demands to be unreasonable under the circumstances and think he's being very self-centered. Hopefully it's just a phase he's going through but even if it is, you have to decide how long you're willing to put up with it.

Sorry there doesn't seem to be any good options for you here. :(
 
I think you need to make a choice. Pretty much your husband has decided you aren't going to be poly. Do you want to be monogamous with your husband to retain him in your life or do you want to be with your boyfriend. Seems like you don't have much of a choice
 
If or when your husband finds a new partner, he will probably throw out the new rules. He may only be okay with poly when he's got someone too. This is mainly a fear response, and usually those are not rational. His fear is losing you, I think.
 
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