Wish finding new relationships was easier

ClockworkDragon

New member
I know, I can't force this, and if it's not going to happen, it's not. I do feel the need to vent, though.

My husband has the devil's own luck when it comes to relationships. Less than a month after breaking up with his last girlfriend, he's already found someone he's smitten with. It's moving really fast with them; I found it a little unnerving. I talked it out with him, though, and we're all on the same page with that. I'm definitely not keeping my feelings inside.

I guess I'm just frustrated that I can't find anyone who wants to get to know me, for me, not just fuck me. Yeah, I like sex. I plan to have sex with whomever I get in a relationship with. But that's not what I want to talk about right out of the gate.

Naturally, 90% of the guys on OKC who are willing to talk to a poly woman are all about the sex. I've been rejected by all of the most attractive men I've talked to, because they're all anti-poly for assorted reasons.

I'm not going to settle, because I deserve better. I'm just frustrated because I desperately need someone to talk to about the things that interest me! That's the main reason we went poly; because our interests have drifted over the years to where we have nothing in common or to talk about anymore. If it weren't for poly, we'd have nothing at ALL to talk about.

So yeargh. I am not jealous of her at all (maybe a little envious, because it's ridiculous how easily he's finding women. LMAO. It's a lot to do with his taste in women; they tend to be more likely to want someone regardless of relationship status.) I just want my snuggles, dammit.

I do have one guy who really does want me, but I'm not that into him; we've played once, just oral, and I like him as a friend. I dunno. There is one guy I've been talking to that I like, but our schedules are nearly opposite, so frequent time together is impossible.

I guess finding decent men who treat women respectfully and are open to open relationships are few and far between. At least on OKC.
 
Maybe needing a new vein to tap?

It is sounding maybe you need to expand the search a little more. Before I was even advertising poly on OKC I was having problems just finding the right girl by itself on that site. Branched out more, searched around, starting hitting the bars and getting into some community service stuff. Trying various things that put myself in situation of meeting new people personally. Haven't found another for me and the alpha female yet, but that is possibly due to my personal taste, she seems to agree with me on them as well so we have an interesting setup there. Just a thought on trying something than just OKC.

It personally sounds like though he's not going to be finding lasting additions. More just girls wanting to be a little more taboo vibe with a relationship (if they are not caring of relationship status.) Make them feel like 'the other woman'. Not trying to stir anything just making analysis.
 
It is sounding maybe you need to expand the search a little more. Before I was even advertising poly on OKC I was having problems just finding the right girl by itself on that site. Branched out more, searched around, starting hitting the bars and getting into some community service stuff. Trying various things that put myself in situation of meeting new people personally. Haven't found another for me and the alpha female yet, but that is possibly due to my personal taste, she seems to agree with me on them as well so we have an interesting setup there. Just a thought on trying something than just OKC.

I'd be happy to do that, but honestly, I'm not the bar type; never have been. I don't mind going, but I have small kids, and not a lot of money, neither of which are conducive to bars.

It personally sounds like though he's not going to be finding lasting additions. More just girls wanting to be a little more taboo vibe with a relationship (if they are not caring of relationship status.) Make them feel like 'the other woman'. Not trying to stir anything just making analysis.

Perhaps. It's too early to tell. However, the ones he's had feelings for seem to have genuinely returned them. The most recent one is a little worrying, simply because she's latching on SO hard, but I think that's a function of her being so lonely, as well. Ah well. Lots of NRE to go around.
 
Hi ClockworkDragon,

What about the idea of joining a local poly group? I can give links to web pages to help you look; also you can google "Georgia polyamory" or "polyamory" with the name of your nearest major city.

A poly group is not a dating site, but, if you develop some platonic friendships, you never know when something might turn romantic eventually.

A few other thoughts ...
"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations

And
Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Though having said all that, I'll be the first to admit that finding new relationships isn't easy. Finding a new relationship that works out is even harder. But I know that some people are "lucky in love."

Exercise as much patience as you can.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
As a poly woman who's done a LOT of dating, let me first say that I feel your pain! The "hookup culture" is alive and well. Add that to the fact that my primary partner is female, and apparently, my situation translates to "fun" and "short term" for many of guys I've dated. And it's not just a poly thing - even my mono friends who are looking for something substantial are having a hard time wading through all the NSA seekers.

To a guy who's just looking for a fling, dating an attached woman isn't a big deal. But when emotions get involved, a flipping of the script may happen, because people can't anticipate how they'll react to their feelings. Also be aware that the "I can't date a poly person" line is a popular cop out, when really, he may not be interested in you for another reason and just wants to be nice. Nothing you can do about that, but I'm sure it happens.

I understand not being into the bar scene (I'm pretty introverted, so that's not my thing either). I've done online dating, free and paid. If you can, I suggest joining a paid site. You'll still meet some jackwagons, but compared to the free sites like OKC, where anyone can make a profile, the paid sites seem to have a higher quality membership. The guys there have invested money to join, and in my experience, they seem to be more serious.

Wish I had some better advice, but I'm on the same boat as you! All I can say is communicate, communicate, communicate. Give them some reading on poly relationships if they're new to the concept.

Actions, not words, are the key indicators of their intentions. Try to ask leading questions that don't necessarily have anything to do with you. That way, you get real insight into their mentality, instead of being told what they think you want to hear. But, even when everything is "perfect" on paper, love itself is imperfect.
 
Im sorry you are going through this. I didn't have any other partners for the first 5 years nate and I were together. Wasn't for lack of trying but the guys who were willing to date a married lady just weren't my type or the didn't fit my criteria. Im sure it will happen for you, ut just takes time finding the right one as the dating pool is pretty slim when looking for an open-minded or poly partner. Even sam said if I had approached him at a different time he probably would have told me no.
 
Never had success with okcupid, went on a few dates but they weren't my type. The Craig's list guy there was no chemistry. Zach um I met at game night lots of chemistry and we were a great match on paper but he was immature and not able to meet my emotional needs. Sam I met through my friend and work for the same agency. I had known him 2 years before I asked him out.
 
I met Murf in real life through the Car scene. After getting to know me he decided I was worth a try.
 
Do things that you like and you will find people that you like.

In addition to joining a local poly group - there are lots of people in most local "swing" communities who are also poly/open. Just a thought.

Basically, just try to cast a broader net and you'll find someone, I'm sure.
 
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