So... Help me not mess this up?

billypi

New member
I started a post on the blog sub forum, but it was suggested I do one here as well, for more critical advice and whatnot.

So, the short version: I'm a mono vanilla cis white male, and I've fallen pretty hard for a married poly woman who seems to have fallen right back. I don't want to a screw things up. On a mental level, I understand a lot of what I'm getting into -- lots of reading material I've been going through. Feels kinda like converting to a new religion... Redefining things, deciding what feels like it fits and what doesn't, etc.

So, my question for the board: what advice would you give to a guy who has never really been part of poly culture before? Even if I stay mono myself, I still need to be able to not mess up ther lives, so...
 
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Be honest with her. And with her husband, if you have a line of communication with him.

Share how you're feeling about the situation, especially if those emotions are negatively impacting the relationship. If you feel like your needs aren't being met, it's okay to say so, but you'll need to accept that they might not be willing or able to make a change that will meet those needs.

Respect their marriage, including trying not to get involved, or at least not to choose sides, if you find out about a conflict between them.

Be and remain open to negotiating, renegotiating, and discussing how things are going.

Above all, be honest with *yourself*. No matter how you feel about her, if you can't handle being in this type of relationship, you need to acknowledge that to yourself, and then to them.
 
what advice would you give to a guy who has never really been part of poly culture before? Even if I stay mono myself, I still need to be able to not mess up ther lives, so...

Are you happy and thrive being monoamorous in a polyship? Or are you happy and thrive in a monoamorous and monogamous relationship? Be honest with you first. If you do not know if you could be as happy in a polyship as in a monoship... how long will you try it on to decide how you feel about it? A year? Less?

Be honest with them -- what you are willing/not willing to do. What are you able/not able to do. What you are unsure on at this point in time. Tell them how you want to be treated in respectful ways.

Reading some of these might help:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Ask how they each want to be treated in respectful ways, and what would be example of "you messing up their life" that they are not willing or not able to deal with? What ARE they willing/able to deal with?

Then see if this is looking like a runner or better off left as a crush you do not pursue. Keep it simple on you.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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KC -- Some of that advice, I could have used for my marriage... and I may have thrown my two cents into a marriage squabble already, if "He's not stupid, he's on pain meds, my brother in law was on those, they make you really loopy sometimes" is throwing my two cents in. But there's good advice there, and I'll try to take it to heart.

Gala -- I wish I had better answers for your questions, but most of them come out as "I don't know, but I'm going to try and find out." If I had concrete answers, I woudln't be here. :) But we're going to try to get together this weekend and talk through a few things. I do feel much better after having had a night to sleep on things after meeting the... Pack? Pod? Flock? Family?

Need to do more reading, but I'm going cross-eyed now. I have to admit... the nerd side of me is saying, "Wait, it's a cute girl, -and- the relationship comes with homework? Cool."
 
. . . I've fallen pretty hard for a married poly woman who seems to have fallen right back. I don't want to a screw things up . . . what advice would you give to a guy who has never really been part of poly culture before? Even if I stay mono myself, I still need to be able to not mess up ther lives . . .

I have to admit... the nerd side of me is saying, "Wait, it's a cute girl, -and- the relationship comes with homework? Cool."

Just be yourself. She obviously appreciates you just the way you are. For any relationship, whether polyamorous or monogamous, the basics are the same: you treat people the way you want to be treated. You take care of the people you care about by observing and asking questions as you get to know them better. You say yes to life and yes to relating with people in the best way you know how. Everyone needs to feel respected, valued, heard, and safe to be themselves in any relationship. If you feel that you are not taken care of, and not respected, valued, heard, or safe, you speak up, and allow the same space for her to speak up if she feels a lack in any of those things.

There is no poly rulebook that gives specific techniques on how not to screw up a marriage if you are involved with someone who has a spouse. Most couples can easily screw up their own relationships without any outside contributions, so don't try and twist yourself into a pretzel to try and protect what they have! Just focus on how you conduct yourself in your own relationship. If she uses some poly lingo and you don't know what the hell she's talking about, ask for an explanation. Don't try to pretend you are more savvy than you are, and give yourself permission to make mistakes. If you enhance her life with your presence and are someone whose company she enjoys and with whom she finds happiness, that is about the best thing in the world you can do - and the effect you have on her will grow exponentially and touch others in her life. So, relax.
 
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Hi billypi,

Just double checking: This married poly woman's husband does know you're getting involved with her, yes?

You can't learn too much about poly. I can give you a list of books if you're interested; also you can look around this forum and see what other people are writing. In that way, new questions may come to your mind.

Since you are just at the beginning of this journey and feeling somewhat tentative, I would encourage you to take small steps, one at a time. And look for ways to communicate often and productively. Doing a tag search for "communication" will probabaly give you a lot of info to chew on.

Good luck, and keep posting.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Jane -- I don't think it's complicated enough to be a 'tangle'. If I'm doing this right, it -was- a V that I've latched onto one of the ends of. So, um... an N?

NYC -- Thanks. That did help chill me out a bit.

kdt -- Yes, he knows. He gave the OK before we first met, and I met him earlier this week. I don't think I'd feel comfortable otherwise.

I'm somewhat comforted by how much advice here is the sort that goes for pretty much any relationship. Makes me feel like I'm not too far over my head. At least, any more than I am with any relationship.
 
I think you have the right idea: "Rules" for successful poly relationships are mostly just an extension of "rules" for any kind of successful relationship.
 
Jane -- I don't think it's complicated enough to be a 'tangle'. If I'm doing this right, it -was- a V that I've latched onto one of the ends of. So, um... an N?

An N or a Z....no prob. Ours is a W with some arms...no prob.
 
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