Partner seeks constant validation from me

femmegirl

New member
I recently joined despite the fact that my partner and I have been consensually non-monogamous to some extent or another our entire marriage, which has been 8 years. It is in the last 3 years that we have started developing romantic relationships with others.

A quick snapshot of us- We are a younger couple, late 20's and early 30s, with children. We've both had relationships outside of the marriage, some shorter some longer, none that have lasted indefinitely thus far. Last year, I was seeing someone who had some mental health issues that got out of control by the end of our relationship. This person, about halfway through, expressed interest in my partner and they formed a romantic relationship and we morphed into a triad (yes, yes I know **groans all around**). Long story short, it ended in a fiery pit of crap for all 3 of us. At that time, I made the decision I wasn't interested in dating anyone for a little while and decided to take a break. My partner did the same thing. I did not ask him to but he made the decision to do so.

Fast forward a year after that relationship ended, for various reasons I decided I wanted to pursue dating again. I met several people, which is generally not a problem for me. One person in particular, after spending a lot of time together bla bla bla, we fell very much in love.
My partner (a male) met someone, they went out a few times, it didn't work out. He, as with many males in this world, struggles with finding someone through dating sites etc. I've encouraged him to get involved in the local community and go to events that some of our mutual friends hold, but he has not done much in regards to those.

Okay, so here's the real issue: my partner is struggling immensely with this. To the point of depression and it's getting to the point where he's leaning completely on me for self-validation. Which happens every time a relationship of his doesn't work out or he doesn't find someone when I'm dating someone. Of course, as his partner, I want to support and help him but as I've told him, it's completely unrealistic for all of his validation and confidence to come from me. It's been like this for years but it's getting to be such pressure on me that I don't know how to handle it. I have tried everything I can to be understanding and supportive and loving and encouraging but when it comes to him expecting ALL of his validation from me... I just don't think that's realistic. It's exhausting and it's really taking an emotional toll on me. I keep recommending a kink-friendly therapist for us (I'm also into kink, he is not though) to help with all of this but he really doesn't think it will work. He insists he just needs to "work through this" and that as long as I keep validating him, it'll go away. I have no issues with showing him how much I love and support him, but I still think he's asking too much of me and leaning on me too much for his own confidence.

Of course, you only have my POV but hopefully some people have some thoughts regarding this situation!! Thanks in advance! :confused:
 
I agree that he needs to find some self-worth in himself (without outside validation), but telling someone that can feel like rejection. I went through a similar time after my divorce, and my codependency was through the roof with Chops for a time.

I do recommend counseling, since they can help him with techniques to find some value in himself without having to get it from elsewhere.

Best of luck...
 
I agree wholeheartedly. But I feel like he keeps asking me to do more and more to "help him through this". And when I express concern about what he's asking of me he tells me that I'm unwilling to support him and then tells me to "just do whatever you want, I guess I'll just deal with it". EG. Today he texted me and asked me to do something until he feels better about everything. I simply expressed to him that I worried that he was trying to find a quick fix to make himself feel better by controlling what I do or don't do. He ramped up and told me I should be willing to help him through this, that he wasn't asking too much of me and that as his partner I should be willing to do what needs to be done to make him feel better. I'm so frustrated. I am caught between trying to figure out if I really am being super selfish by not meeting his needs or if he is expecting too much of me. *sigh*
 
I am sorry you deal in this. :(

He ramped up and told me I should be willing to help him through this, that he wasn't asking too much of me and that as his partner I should be willing to do what needs to be done to make him feel better.

This sounds like entitlement. He hears your "no" but does not respect it. He seems to think he is entitled to your help any time no matter what, even at your expense, against your willingness, or to your own health detriment.

And when I express concern about what he's asking of me he tells me that I'm unwilling to support him and then tells me to "just do whatever you want, I guess I'll just deal with it".

Sounds like more acting out in the form of guilt trips to me.

Know what? Could believe him.Could agree to him dealing with it when he does that.

Otherwise could say what you are willing to do, what you are not willing to do. Hold the limit. Lather, rinse, repeat. It is just not possible for you to do everything. If you teach that when he pesters in various ways, you cave? He just needles til you fold. Could learn to say a constructive, healthy " no" and stick with it.

"I will not do x. I could do y. If you need more than that, I could do counseling together to find out what z options are with a professional. I am sorry you struggle."​

If he continues to act out? Repeat up til 3 strikes. Then could withdraw option y.

"I am sorry. I no longer am willing to do y. I am still willing to see counselor. You let me know if you want to go there."​

Then could disengage. Could not get caught up in circle conversation about it. That is how I would approach it.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Re (from femmegirl):
"Today he texted me and asked me to do something until he feels better about everything."

Can I ask, what was the something that he wanted you to do?

I think he should at least be willing to try counseling (couple's counseling at least) -- and possibly even prescription meds. From your description, it sounds like he's getting worse.

It's not easy when someone else's entire well-being is laid at your feet. Please keep us posted and we'll keep trying to help.
 
Re (from femmegirl):


Can I ask, what was the something that he wanted you to do?

Well today, it was that I only see the person I'm seeing. Which is not the issue persay...but it seems like several times a week he's coming up with something new I need to do to make this better for him. Ones that I can remember were not to go on a preplanned date, tell him constantly that I love him best... there have been others. It's really taking an emotional toll on me.
 
Hmmm. It seems your only recourse is to tell him, "Yes I'd be willing to do the one thing at this time, but no I wouldn't be willing to do the other thing at this time." For instance, I would advise you not to cancel dates at his bidding, and you should only "constantly" (What does constantly mean here? Every five minutes or ...?) tell him you love him best if

  • it's the truth,
  • you want to.
It sounds like he's being really needy and clingy in general, and not very reasonable. I'd be tempted to tell him, "Start seeing a counselor with me or else."

His behavior seems to be getting increasingly on your nerves, and I have a feeling you're going to feel compelled to take some kind of hard line with him in the not-too-distant future.
 
I did not cancel the date. I told him it was unreasonable and it was a slippery slope if I were to give in to that "request". That's the other thing, he always calls them "requests" and says he won't FORCE me to do them.. of course you won't, but you're acting as though it's do or die.

I really am on the brink of needing to find some type of answer here. And I've tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't think I'm being reasonable. It's so upsetting. I love him dearly but I also love someone else, and I am simply not monogamous and will not be. *sigh*
 
So, essentially, he is trying to use passive-aggressive tactics to control you. That's messed up. His self-esteem shouldn't be dependent on pushing you into doing anything. He says you're not being reasonable. It's him who's not being reasonable, and it doesn't take rocket science for us to know that.

I suspect that the real reason he doesn't want to see a counselor is because a counselor might tell it like it is, and that might not make him look too good. If he won't see a counselor then maybe he needs to live by himself for awhile, which would motivate him to develop some independence.

Sorry you're stuck with this mess. :(
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If I were you, I would tell him point-blank, "I love and support you in the best way I can. However, you are relying too much on me for validation, and you think my love and support should be shown in a different way than I am comfortable with. We are both adults and each responsible for our own emotional responses to what life brings us. Your emotional health is your responsibility, not mine. Asking me to adjust how I live my life to keep your insecurities at bay will do nothing to help you deal with your insecurities. You say what you need to do is work through it, and I am asking that you see a therapist to help you do that rather than rely on me. I am not going to stop seeing others and I will not cancel dates with others unless there is an emergency. Please step up and take care of yourself."

Hopefully, he will step up and not resort to creating emergencies to get your attention. But you need to ask yourself what the consequences will be if he continues on the way he has. If he doesn't step up... what then?
 
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