New and Curious

LiteratureLover

New member
Hello everyone!

Whenever I come across anything new in life, I research it like crazy to get better understanding of it and how I can deal with it, etc. In my search on the subject of open marriages and polyamory, I found that I need to speak to actual people so I can ask questions and maybe someone who has experienced this type of arrangement can give me some insight.

So on to me! I'm in my mid-twenties with a 8 month old son. My husband and I have been married for 4 years, but together for 5. For a while he's been joking about threesomes, etc. Only recently (a few days ago) did we begin to discuss it seriously. He enjoys meeting new people and feels like flirting with others makes him feel alive, and he thinks it would be good for us (and for me) if I tried to participate, too. (Meaning flirting with other guys and seeing where it goes.) At first, I was extremely hurt by this admission and suggestion, but after we talked more he made it clear that he doesn't want to leave me, he loves me, and isn't looking for other relationships. This made me feel a bit better and I was more open to the discussion.

More about me: I've only ever slept with my husband. He has had many partners before we met, however. Sometimes I felt like I was missing out on something. I had nothing to compare our sex life to, and he does. I have never really felt that sleeping with just one person for the rest of my life was realistic, but I love my husband so much that it really wasn't a huge deal to me.

The past few days I've been bouncing back and fourth between agreeing to a threesome / open marriage / etc...and not. We both discussed rules, and decided that communication is the most important thing if we were to pursue an arrangement like that. I brought up my concerns, and we discussed them at length.

Here is why I have been so indecisive, and am looking for advice or stories or viewpoints...from people who have experienced this too...

On one hand, the idea of being able to flirt with other men and perhaps have a physical relationship is exciting to me. Since I've been married, I seem to have convinced myself that I'm not allowed to find other men attractive or even think about what it would be like to sleep with anyone else. So the idea of the freedom (and even encouragement from my husband) to flirt and meet new men and maybe even act upon mutual attraction is exciting to me. The fact my husband supports it makes it that much more interesting and exciting too.

But on the other hand, this means my husband will be doing the same thing. A tiny part of me finds this a turn on, but a much, much larger part of me is struggling with jealousy...even though he has made it clear that he had no intention of leaving me (and our son) and that he can't imagine loving anyone else. (One of my bigger fears what that he would fall in love with someone else...and I understand he can never promise that won't ever happen...nature of the beast, I guess.)

Kind of as a trial, we've both downloaded the Tinder app to our phones. We've been talking openly about matches we've gotten and sharing experiences with who we find attractive and not. He's talked to one of his matches, and told me about it, but it fizzled out I guess. I haven't found the courage to speak to any of my matches because of the complicated nature of the situation.

I'm torn. This new idea of a polyamorous marriage (pardon me if I'm not using that right) is exciting, but part of me is screaming that it's not normal because it's not how I was raised and I know absolutely no one who feels this way about relationships. Part of me thinks that if my marriage was perfect, I wouldn't be this excited about flirting and possibly sleeping with men/women other than my husband, but I know in my heart I'm meant to be with my husband.

It's all such a kerfuffle. Any advice or guidance is appreciated. I've looked through a few threads and see this community is very supportive and kind. I appreciate any time you take to respond. Thank you!
 
Greetings LiteratureLover,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

We'll be happy to answer your questions; post away. I also want to recommend a book ... "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.

Maybe your husband is moving this thing along too fast for you? If you had more time to meet other people who do the open thing ... One doesn't overcome one's monogamous conditioning overnight.

A few forum resources that might help you in your situation:

Also I'm usually around and you can ping me here on this thread with questions or what have you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Polyamory is more about the emotions and falling in love - but what I am hearing you say is that your husband has said he doesn't want this, or he's promising to try really hard not to fall in love. This is a much more swinging type of mindset. That's fine, but it's not poly. For a lot of people, the idea of having emotions or feelings for someone outside of their marriage seems like a betrayal, while the sex share is not. One of the way swingers guard against growing feelings is by not sleeping with the same person more than a few times, or only swapping partners while together.

While the talk of this may be exciting to you, I would caution you to slow down and really discuss this before just jumping into something quickly.
 
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