Should I invite her back for Chapter 2, now that I am in a happy Comitted RL?

SilverSprings

New member
​Hi there:)

Brief intro:
I am a early 30's, divorced bi-female. I am in a newish relationship (2 years) with a great guy, from another country. He knows I am bi, i have tested the waters when we lived separately, opening things up. Not always with fantastic results...but it was a learning experience. And we are still together and we are very much in love. I can really see things for us in the very long-term, and that makes me very happy and feel lucky! We are now living together and things are moving along (mostly) well.. with of course a few bumps along the way but overall things are very nice ;)

Now, back during my divorce / exploratory phase- i met a great girl. She was a bit younger, with a very mature and free spirited heart.. from another country, too, working and studying in the USA and myself and my ex-H (then still Husband) had a relationship with. It turned into mostly just her and myself. We traveled all the time, we had a great connection and a blast together! Parting was such sweet sorrow indeed :(. For 4 years... strictly long-distance communication has gotten the best of us. We are really missing one anothers company! Seems simple enough.. right? We promised one another, we would find a way to keep it alive, even if it meant every few years. I really would love that, if it were possible.

This year, I can not travel to her (as we had hoped i could), but i talked about maybe one day her coming back here, (as she calls it- for "Chapter 2"... :) She is extremely open. She has her own life, we both are in and out of touch, we always fall back in touch, however and respect one another very much. She even wanted me to assure my BF that she simply wants to "borrow" me, not "steal".. I have thought of even pitching in to assist with her travels (since i otherwise would have been the one to pay going over to her- since its technically 'my turn' to make a move). Perhaps just for a week, later this year. It would be OH so exciting and awesome!!

However, I have a boyfriend to consider.., who I think may be jealous of her (jealous in hiding) because he is also quite proud. However, as much as i think he is jealous, i think it is also a turn on and something he has always liked about me.. that i am open and free spirited. He is a free spirit as well, having never settled even though he is in his 30's also. He is also pretty mature and understanding, and wants me to be happy. I try to play devils advocate: If he were open with me about something such as this, and if i were as open minded (lets say he was "bi" also), I truly believe I would also want him to be happy.
He just wants to know and be assured my heart is #1 for him, and that indeed, it is. For whatever reason, over a year has gone by and i haven't missed or desired to be with a woman. Though, my BF has said occasionally that if it is something i want and desire, he is still open to it. He has never asked me for a 3-some either... not one of those guys. We satisfy one another completely. (other then that "bi-itch" that i mentioned... )

I appreciate advice on how to approach my boyfriend, and how to assure him. I have a therapist also, who is helpful. Yet, she seems to think / assume my BF is not ok with all of this- based on some of the issues we have uprooted and also that she has helped me with. (him and i had a bad fighting phase, which we seem to have worked through successfully)....

Thank you very much :)
 
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Hi SilverSprings,

I don't know what words you should use in talking to your boyfriend, but I do think you need to have a heart-to-heart with him and find out if he is on board with you and this girl getting together for a week later this year.

Certainly you should reassure your boyfriend that you love him a lot and that he's not going to lose you if he agrees to this; at the same time you have to realize that he is his own person, and will make his own decisions in the end.

I wouldn't make any further decisions, nor come to any further conclusions, until you have talked with him. Don't just guess about how he feels. Get it straight from his mouth.

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
She was a "preexisting condition." Did boyfriend know about your relationship to her when you got together? I know she's not in your life as consistently or intensely as he is, but she has had a place in your life which should not necessarily be usurped by a new love.

Talk to him. He might get a little jealous, but if it's not a dealbreaker for him, why not? If it is a dealbreaker, I'm guessing you'd break it off with your sometimes-lover for the more permanent heterosexual relationship. At least you'll know.
 
I think the question (of the board members) should be 'if so how' and not 'Should I'. Society gives you tons of shoulds, if you listened to them you wouldn't be here or ever had a bi experience.

Self-Help teaches Shoulds also set unrealistic expectations and insure unhappiness if things 'aren't as they should be'... but that is a whole other can of worms.

New myself and correct me if I am wrong but one approach is;

Communicate
Time to digest (This can be hours to months)
Communicate
and repeat

It takes time for partners to get acclimated to the idea, digest it, and respond(which likely leads to even further discussion and questions)


Is this something you have to have? Some people can only 'suppress' the urge for so long until it breaks loose and acts. If you have the luxury of time communicate. Find his fears and concerns, do your best to make him comfortable and feel loved. Also talk about how the visit may go. If she is visiting for a brief time after a long time apart an NRE like effect could take hold the entire time she is visiting.
 
thank you!

Wow- Excellent replies :) I suppose I can be a little bit impulsive, and that may stem from anxiety based on assumptions on how he would react. Or nervousness causing me to avoid confrontation at all. We have developed a great deep love and communication now, so this should not be as difficult and I suppose waiting for the "right" time, will never happen.
Actually, a major reason for most of our disagreements was in fact, I was assuming I knew how he would react or what he felt on issues- when in fact, I was not communicating properly! I will trust myself and our relationship, that we will find the right resolution here :)

And going off of just my therapist input - she means well, she only really sees the "flaws" of late... meanwhile, If he knew how i felt, he would likely be upset knowing I am suppressing my feelings and urges. Yes- I am thinking more and more about my girl of the past... Even more so lately and now she wants to skype, and get closer... she is excited! As am I. So the only fair thing at this point is to open up the discussion with him.

The last time I went in this direction, (there was another girl, and i had intense NRE with, even though it since ended b/c she wanted a full blown RL, and I did not).. he was jealous, he saw this new happiness in my eyes, and it saddened him that it was not completely attributed to him. That made me feel awful, once he told me that. So, it really does need to be discussed....

thank you and more input is always welcome.
I will update you as well :)
 
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Lovebunny- I did not answer your Q! Yes, he knew about her from early on. I told him about her, he even met her briefly over skype once.. He knew that I always told him how I would love to visit her and her country (still would) but it is not the safest place for me and I am not entirely comfy traveling there solo. Plus, since she is open to coming here, that solves that issue for me.

I feel like- her and I still have this intense connection, 4 years later! that is a long time... i never would have imagined. I really would love to see her again.
However, if he is 100% against it, yes- I would chose him over her. Although secretly I am sure that would be very sad for me.

This is what i hate- wearing my heart on my sleeve, and him then saying that he feels "pressured" into agreeing. This happened once before.

Is there any way that I can go about this without pressuring him so much?
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I think you are letting your anxiety make this bigger than it has to be. Could ask him plain. Maybe something like...

"BF, I want to ask you something. You have said occasionally that if being with a woman is something i want and desire, you is still open to it. I want to check in on that.

I would like to visit with X. It is supposed to be my turn but I cannot travel there this year. I am thinking about chipping in for a ticket so X can come visit me here. Perhaps just for a week, later this year.

Could you be willing for that to happen?What would be your preferences?"​

And then let him respond. If doing it verbally makes your anxiety go nuts, email him so it is written instead.

You said before how some of the fights were from you jumping the gun and ASSUMING you knew what he would feel or how he would react. So don't this time. Let him TELL you how he feels. Allow him to give you his response.

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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Great! Actually, that is precisely what I just did. I bit the bullet and wrote a preliminary email, to kick off the conversation

;)
 
There you go. Ball started rolling then.

I hope the conversation is productive and constructive.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Re (from SilverSprings):
"Is there any way that I can go about this without pressuring him so much?"

I don't see how. You could be disingenuous about your feelings and pretend this woman wasn't important to you. But that would be unethical. Honestly, he needs to see that this is a big deal to you, and make his own fully-informed decision with that in mind. It's not really fair for him to call that "pressuring him into it." You have a moral imperative to present your case honestly -- both verbally and emotionally. And you can't force yourself to not care about it (IMO).

In any case, the conversation is started and the ball is rolling. My fingers are crossed. Keep us posted!
 
Thank you- I never really saw it that way- as a moral issue. It kind of makes sense, because it is something that matters to me. I can't pretend that it doesnt, and it seems he is uncomfortable. However last night he told me he read my email, he honestly had no idea what it was about (he wasn't expecting that) but that he did want to discuss it, and said that he also never really thought about it really before. (part of me questions that statement, since he knows well that her and i are close.. she even sent me a housewarming gift when he and i moved in together. i just sense some major jealousy......... )
He was willing to talk last night, but I was also under the weather last night and did not want to.. I am still sick but hope that we get some communication moving along this weekend. I am a little scared of him saying "no" or him testing me, and my loyalty somehow. :/ anyway- i am hoping this doesn't become a bigger issue then it needs to be.
 
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He wants to talk about it ... That's good! Let us know how the weekend goes. And get well soon!
 
Alright, alright alright! :)

Boyfriend and i had a heart to heart- it went surprisingly well! He outlined what he is ok with (her visiting, us having our time together, traveling, re-kindling, being intimate..) and what he is NOT ok with (her staying in our apt, him being involved esp not in the way that my Ex-H was...). And...

*A few things also came up and i figure it is best to get some input on them here:

- He asked if during our trip, if i can occasionally keep in touch w/ him so he feels somewhat "included" which i totally get and am glad to accommodate. This means normal as well as perhaps sexier texts and pics ;) I know my girl will likely be excited to tease him as well. she is very open and liberated and likes this kind of attention :) So, i will also tell her ahead of time.

- He stated that (even though i suggested it might be hot in the past to have a 3sum with him, some day, with maybe another female or male- he never had one before...) he likely doesn't want that with this particular girl, (he isn't sure if he ever wants one, and DEF doesnt want if i would be uncomfortable, although I am not against us all having fun if it happened- he knows that). He said "maybe on like the last night, if it all came together in such a way, if she wanted to, if we all got along... :)"... So who knows! But, is this even a good idea? I mean, sending him teasing pics, it might build up for some sexy fun. I kind of think it has to be an organic progression. with no expectation.

- He requested that i stay somewhat on the DL / low profile. She has no shame when it comes to facebook and actually already tagged me in a old picture of us on the beach, from 4 years ago making it her cover pic. I think he is OK with us posting pics, but the thing is- she is friends with some of my friends and family. I feel uneasy / unsure about who to tell about her visit, and some of them ie: my sister, thinks that "she" and my past / bi-phase are just a phase :/ Anyhow, i am nervous about this- also my BF family is on facebook.. i think it is respectful to not post any suggestive pictures, but do i need to have a conversation w/ her about this or am i over-thinking here? Im just thinking- about my conservative Mom seeing pics of us, asking awkward questions.. lol.. which i doubt she would.. but... :rolleyes: Plus we already have some pics on there, from her last visit, that have never come up before. My mom just thinks she is my "Friend" and has met her before.

- His biggest concern i think was on an emotional level~~ he just worried i would be super sad after she leaves, perhaps compare or feel like something is missing, or i guess he is just worried that he wont be enough for me and that i wouldn't be happy with him after our trip together. I assured him, that if i have any say or power over this, and i do to a degree because i am a big girl, that based on my history- I will be alittle sad. But it will be so magical to see her again, to make these memories. I also know that sometimes she really got on my nerves, and a week together will likely be more then enough re-kindle time. I will be missing him allot too! So- i think i will be sad within reason, and happy also to be back with him, and get back to my life as normal. Im going to buy him gifts and also make him feel loved as best as i can :)

I already confronted her about her budget, and am glad to pitch in $ within reason.. so we can get that annoying topic out of the way.

So~~ I'm really excited ! I can't wait to plan her visit, and I am glad to share here- there are not too many that I can tell what this trip means to me. I couldn't stop smiling after my convo w/ my bf - and funny enough, my BF and i couldn't be getting along any better which is so great!!!! Life is good :D

Am i missing anything here? Any suggestions or comments... thanks !
 
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Sounds like things will go well.

Whether you guys end up having a threesome is totally up to the three of you. Would you all feel comfortable with that? Will you be excited about it? Be extra careful if you have a threesome: Make sure no one ends up feeling left out. I've heard of that happening! It's not fun.

It's probably wise to come to a group agreement about how open you want to be to everyone on Facebook. Polyamorists often differ on whether they want to be out to the world or in the closet. Come to an agreement that all three of you can accept.

Everything else sounds good to me. Keep us posted!
 
Thanks! Yes- it is good to think through these things and make an agreement. She is sort of a poly-free bird by nature. Like, this is nothing formal, and much more of a organic free relationship thing. We have said we loved eachother, a while ago, and now we just kind of have this long-term long-distance chemistry. It feels like "lovers" more then "love" sometimes. But i already have butterflies so.... I think there is a degree of love there- kind of interested to see how things go when we are together again.

My bf is not really on FB,..but he checks in from time to time, so i dont want to make him angry or jealous. And i dont want to be too public, so i will confront that issue in the right time (its one of the easier things, honestly). last time she was here- i had decided to actually deactivate my account, i didn't want to deal w/ the questions. So, perhaps something I can do is just not allow tags of me or maybe i will even take a facebook hiatus near that time. Not sure yet.

Three-some, seems so interesting and sexy. I have had a few of them prior, with my Ex-H, and while i was single and on the scene. Things are different now, my BF has never had one- He is way more into monogamy which I respect, and he respects how I am :)
I think when in doubt- on this topic it might be best not to go there. I have had bad experiences, as well as good ones. I only have had MFF, never MMF.
I wouldn't want anyone jealous, esp not him, nor I. I know she is a unicorn type- we have had some great times and I even think the whole teasing w/ sexy pics while we are away is actually super hot. Since BF requested it, it has me all excited. I think she will be too.... ahhh! cool.

I have months to think it through, which is good!
 
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