Long term BF not really OK with me being poly curious

Thanks for your support! It is really appreciated (and needed) right now.

BF and me have talked some more yesterday so I've gathered some more puzzle pieces.

It seems he feels he's less important to him than he used to be (which, in a sense of "vital emotional importance" and dependency, might even be true but doesn't mean I love him any less of course). He says he feels we used to have "something special" and now I want to poly date it's less special. I asked him what he needs to feel important and special and he said there was nothing I could do. So I guess it's the way you guys (and girls) said.

I found our talks to be good and productive. His behaviour has transformed (superficially) from "I'M COLD AS ICE" to "I'M SUPER SUPER SAD. MY HEART IS BREAKING.". As said, nothing I can do.

@GalaGirl:
I guess for now I'm going with Solution No. 1 which is also what kdt26417 suggested. I have talked to him about Solution No. 2 a while back. He insisted on not separating before we could at least give it a try. I hear you concerning the part about what probably is the more healthy solution.

@kdt26417
Your advice about dating my BF sounds good. I'd like to do that in the near future if and when the SUPER SAD phase has passed. Right now there's just about nothing happening between us, he hardly utters a word and busies himself with work.

Status Quo:

I feel that effectively BF and I don't seem to have a relationship right now as he has withdrawn from all the little things it consists of: rituals, talks about our day, fun things, showing affection, not to mention the more intense stuff like sex/BDSM etc. For now only the sheer foundations - love and time spent together - remain.
This circumstance has left me oddly fearless about what might come after Friday (date night). It feels like there's not much to lose that I haven't lost already. He can move out of our bed or offically break up with me but that's about it.
I feel and understand what he's going through though I don't share his reasoning. I'm trying to be as compassionate as I can, as close as I can but not pressing myself on him while not hurting myself too much.
It might be heartless to write this but I feel uneasy and anxious when at home while he's around, with the sad looks and sighing and - when he does chose to say something - keeping it as short as possible and in the most lachrymose tone of voice. I don't perceive this as mere sadness but also as aggression: "See how bad you are treating me!"
I'm wondering whether I should set a time frame (purely for myself) for how long to "endure" in this rather hostile climate and when to just make the decision to stop hurting him and myself though he won't like it. Not sure what a suitable time frame might be though. At the moment it feels more like days than weeks but if I truly want to give him an opportunity to ease into it months is more realistic than weeks?
 
I'm wondering whether I should set a time frame (purely for myself) for how long to "endure" in this rather hostile climate

Sounds like a plan to me. Defining your limit of tolerance in measurable terms.


Not sure what a suitable time frame might be though. At the moment it feels more like days than weeks.

Your limit of tolerance is about what makes you comfortable. Not about what makes him comfortable. So if you can only deal with this for days? Call it 7. Because after that you can start to measure in weeks and you do not seem up for weeks.

Galagirl
 
As I said in my earlier post, it is his decision -- not yours -- to remain with you rather than say no to poly. Since the decision is his, he therefore has no business implying (through his passive-aggressive behavior) that you're treating him horrible. Maybe it's a simple problem of incompatibility, which is no one's fault, but if that's the case, then he shouldn't have chosen to stay bonded to you.

Of course, that's where your part of the decision comes in. If he's that miserable being with you, then maybe you'd be doing both you and him a favor by breaking up with him. "Sorry I'm not the gal you/we thought/hoped I was. It's not good for either of us to stay together when it's hurting you this much, and hurting me too by extension." It seems like he needs to find a more compatible partner for him -- and you can't just wave a magic wand and turn yourself into that person.
 
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