I need help and advice

Line

New member
Hi everyone
My partner have just told me that he think that he is polyamorous.
This phrase was all new to me and I didn know what it was. I love him so much and he is the love of my life. He is also the father of my 1 year old son.
I know I can never live in a relationship where I share the same man with someone else. I feel such sadness right now and need advice. I can't be with someone who feels equal love and intimacy with someone else.
My question is if you think there's any hope? If someone suspects this it must me true? Do you think he can change his mind and decide I'm the only one?
I want him to be happy and not force him to be with me if he needs something more.
Please give me your thoughts
 
Hey there,
I know that that must have been a difficult conversation for you both, and I know how unsettling that can be. In short, I can't answer any of your questions, because everyone is different, and each situation is unique. These are questions you really need to be asking him. But I do recognise some patterns in your thinking and fears that I think I might be able to offer you a perspective on. You say:

I know I can never live in a relationship where I share the same man with someone else. I feel such sadness right now and need advice. I can't be with someone who feels equal love and intimacy with someone else.

Everyone has his or her own limits. Many people really are happier and more content and themselves within a monogamous relationship, and (I hope this is obvious) there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Others really are happier and more content and themselves in a polyamorous relationship, and there's nothing wrong with that either. If you really and truly know that you yourself are not interested in seeing others, and/or know that you couldn't thrive in a situation where your partner sees others (even if you remain monogamous), then there really is only one course of action. You don't want to spend the rest of your life tying yourself in knots trying to be the kind of partner that is compatible with him. You don't want him to be tying himself in knots to be the kind of partner that's compatible with you either. Better to just accept that this is not a bridge that can be gapped, and work on separating in such a way that you can be the best friends and co-parents you can be for your son.

However, in what you wrote, you add that you can't be with someone who feels equal love and intimacy for another as they do with you. And to me, that sounds like it could be an assumption. Not every poly person is seeking to have highly committed, highly entwined life-partnerships with multiple people. Not every poly person desires equality in their connections in that way, because not every poly person feels like they can juggle that kind of responsibility. I am one of those poly people; I have one partner who I live with, and who I want kids with, and who I want to build a full life with. I don't want that with anyone else, because in my mind that requires being a super-partner, and I'm just not that person. I don't have the skills, and I know my own limits, and one is enough!

There is a balance to be struck (for me) between having the freedom to explore connections with others, and continuing to invest enough of myself in my relationship with my gf to get what I want out of that relationship. I love the hell out of her and would never want to do anything to jeopardise us, which means that when I start a new relationship with another, I do so with keeping that balance in mind. I don't form relationships with people who are looking for a life-partner, because I don't want another life-partner. I try to be as honest as I can with new people about how much time/energy I have available so that they are not disappointed. I listen to them when they explain how much time/energy they have available so that I'm not disappointed. I recognise that either of us could meet someone that makes us reconsider this strategy at any point, but that's a risk in any relationship, mono or poly. If it happens, I know we will discuss it, and who knows? Maybe we could handle it. It's not something that either of us are actively wanting right now, so we don't worry about it.

In short, I think you need to keep talking to him about what it is that he wants. He might not have a clear idea yet, but I think it's good if you can encourage him to actually think about the practicalities and his desires and how he sees this actually working, so that you have something concrete to assess and see if you can handle, rather than just thinking about ALL the possibilities that your brain is no doubt generating. On that note, if your brain is telling you that he is wanting to replace you, or leave you, I think you need to try to rein those thoughts in. He doesn't want to replace you, or lose you. I know this, because if he did, he would be packing his bags and leaving and not trying to broach polyamory with you at all. Trust me, it's far easier to walk away if that's actually what you want. I know you must be feeling angry and like he's had this big secret that he's been keeping from you. It's true; he should have disclosed this to you before you became so heavily involved with him. However, in his defence, our society is not set up in a way that offers you many chances to question whether you are poly or mono. We are all pushed towards monogamy and many don't ever realise that there are alternative relationship structures and that you can choose something different. As a result, many people only figure this out relatively late on in their development. Listen to what he says. He is probably feeling as vulnerable as you right now. :(

Finally, you ask if we think he will change his mind. Some people try to open their relationship only to figure out that it is harder to manage than they expect, and they realise it's not actually for them after all. As I say, it takes a lot of effort and time and energy managing multiple relationships, whether they are 'serious' or more 'casual' in nature. The fantasy often does not match the reality. However, I think for your own sake, you should treat his disclosure seriously and not assume it's something that he will change his mind about. Certainly, don't agree to open your relationship and let him explore if you secretly believe he will change and realise he wants only you - that path has led to disaster for many.

Keep talking to him. In short bursts, with plenty of breaks if it's too overwhelming. And let him love you. I think that's the only thing that can help, but it's bloody hard to do when you are feeling so hurt and stung.
 
I can't be with someone who feels equal love and intimacy with someone else.

Well, why not? If you love him, doesn't the thought of him being with someone who loves him and brings him happiness bring YOU happiness, too?

Obviously there are types who just use poly as a way to sleep around and selfishly take care of themselves at all times, without considering their partners. I can empathize with your feeling like you'd be neglected and even abandoned.

But surely you wouldn't have fallen love with someone who you suspected would treat you that way....???
 
I am sorry you are struggling with the news that he thinks he is polyamorous when you thought both were monoamorous and monogamous. :(


Take a deep breath, and then continue the conversation so you get more clarity -- that's my suggestion.

Was that all he wants to share with you? What is his need?

To be able to talk about these feelings with you without you wigging out at him?
You might be ok doing that. You do not say.

To be in a Closed relationship with you still, but with you understanding more about how he feels/thinks ?
You might be ok doing that. You do not say.

To be able to move on to dating other people?
You clearly state you are not up for this.
You sound like you are monoamorous (you have 1 sweetie) and prefer to participate in monogamous relationship shapes (2 people here only).

You are not up for being monoamorous and participating in a polyship shape like a "V" where he is a hinge and has two sweeties.​

You know it, and I think it is a good thing to know. There are certain things in life I am not up for -- I don't need to try them to know they just don't interest me. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with me -- I'm allowed to have my own interests and preferences for what I want to be doing with my time/life. You are allowed to have yours.

So my suggestion is to take a deep breath, and talk to him. What is his need here? To be understood in context? To be understood and released from marriage? Something else? LISTEN.

And ASK.

At this time, is what he wants...

  • Monoamorous you + polyamorous him in a monogamous shape relationship? What changes is you knowing each other in full context and nothing hidden?
  • Or is he wanting out of the monogamous shape? What changes is the shape?

There's a distinction. Don't be afraid to ask for clarification. And keep breathing. You will be ok.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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Well, why not? If you love him, doesn't the thought of him being with someone who loves him and brings him happiness bring YOU happiness, too?

Obviously there are types who just use poly as a way to sleep around and selfishly take care of themselves at all times, without considering their partners. I can empathize with your feeling like you'd be neglected and even abandoned.

But surely you wouldn't have fallen love with someone who you suspected would treat you that way....???

CandiedLove, this is definitely a difficulty for many Mono folks who get surprised by the declaration that their partner is poly. In some ways, it feels like an abandonment already - that the partner is abandoning the agreements and promises they've made to the other partner. It can create trust issues, and therefore make the mono partner suspect if they HAVE fallen in love with a different person than you originally thought (heck, in some ways, they have!). It's very difficult to trust when you feel you've had the rug pulled out from under you.

Also, if that love and happiness that your partner is receiving comes at (what you perceive is) your expense? No, it's very difficult to be appreciative of it.

If Chops found someone else he wanted to partner with, to the point where he wanted a third nesting partner, and it took time away from our relationship enough to effectively destroy it? I'd want him to be happy, but I couldn't ignore the fact that I'd be heartbroken to lose our relationship. You can want happiness for the ones you love but still be sad for yourself.
 
Hi Line,

Sorry you are going through this very difficult time.

Re (from OP):
"My question is if you think there's any hope?"

Was it Sam (LotR) who said, "Where there's life, there's hope." Meaning things can turn out okay for us ... but, they still might turn out differently than we expected, and there still might be a hard time of trial in between now and that happy ending.

Re:
"If someone suspects this it must be true?"

You mean if your partner suspects he's poly, he must be poly? Well it's possible he's just struggling with the duties of parenthood and looking for an outlet or escape. But you can't count on that; this could be something he's thought through with great care.

Re:
"Do you think he can change his mind and decide I'm the only one?"

People do seem to have the ability to change greatly over the years, so is it conceivable, yes ... but unlikely, especially if he really is poly. One could just as easily ask, Do you think you can change your mind and decide you don't need to be the only one? Technically possible, but I'm sure you'd agree it's improbable.

Re:
"I want him to be happy and not force him to be with me if he needs something more."

It sucks to let someone go. But sometimes that's the most loving thing you can do -- for them and even for yourself as well.

I'm inclined to advise you not to make any fast or sudden decisions. Breaking up would be a really big deal. Think about it long and hard before going that way. I would even consider learning more about poly, if you're willing.

I hope things get better for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey, she's mono, so can't he just be mono and be happy that she's happy?

No. It has to work in either direction, or it doesn't work.

And something that makes a persona happy need not by necessity make their partners happy. There are many things in this world that might make a partner of mine happy, but their happiness would not extend to me. If a partner found joy in having unprotected sex with strangers, engaging in recreational drug use that included needles, gambling to excess, or in viewing me having sex with someone they found hot but I didn't, I wouldn't be expected to simply deal with it and be happy they were happy. The impact on my life would, for me, potentially be too negative. This is how, I suspect, monoamorous people feel about poly.

It's a very unfair question to ask that is essentially used to elicit guilt.

Well, why not? If you love him, doesn't the thought of him being with someone who loves him and brings him happiness bring YOU happiness, too?
 
Sigh. This is why I just don't date monos. I struggle to understand how someone loving me, or me loving someone, can ever be negative. I don't consider a partner's use of drugs at all on the same level.

I get if that leads me to neglect a partner. Of course they'd be upset. But that love itself. .. seems like it would always be positive.

Or is it the sex part that is negative? I get that...A bit. But sex has never been a big deal to me. As long as everyone engaged is honest, open, and making each other happy.

Guess maybe this is the wrong community for me.
 
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And, not dating monos is a totally reasonable decision. For monos, not dating a poly is a totally reasonable decision. My point wasn't the specifics of what wouldn't make me happy, it was that just because something makes my partner happy it needn't be true that it makes me happy.The question's roots are guilt, and guilt is generally a bad way to have someone make a life decision.

It's not whether love itself is positive or negative, per se. It's relationship structure, and that is a very individual thing. The point is that, if someone wants a mono relationship, then having a poly partner--no matter how honest, open,, and loving--may not make them happy. Expecting them to simply be happy based on someone else's happiness which is counter to their needs and hardwiring doesn't work in either direction. That's not to say mono and poly can't work together, but if the mono doesn't want a poly structure, they shouldn't be guilted into it (therein lies the boundary of "ethical non-monogamy").

Sigh. This is why I just don't date monos. I struggle to understand how someone loving me, or me loving someone, can ever be negative. I don't consider a partner's use of drugs at all on the same level.

I get if that leads me to neglect a partner. Of course they'd be upset. But that love itself. .. seems like it would always be positive.

Or is it the sex part that is negative? I get that...A bit. But sex has never been a big deal to me. As long as everyone engaged is honest, open, and making each other happy.

Guess maybe this is the wrong community for me.
 
@ Candiedlove ... my experience with Polyamory.com is that, well first of all there is a *lot* of members in it. As an adjunct to that state of affairs, there is a lot of diversity between what the various members believe and how they express it. Which means, you can easily run into a cluster of people who object to some part of your perspective.

I have experienced that, and don't relish the memory. However, I stayed with Polyamory.com and eventually found that I did fit in *with certain members* ... not with all. I'm willing to accept that; I've been able to help people and people have been willing to help me. It seems worth it. I would encourage you to hang in there; the effort will pay off in due time.

Polyamorists are very often happy to have their partner spend time with someone else. It's enough of a thing that a word was invented for it, "compersion." The only catch is that many monogamists are unable to experience compersion. Again it's about the wide variety of people that live in such a densely-populated world.
 
Polyamorists are very often happy to have their partner spend time with someone else. It's enough of a thing that a word was invented for it, "compersion." The only catch is that many monogamists are unable to experience compersion. Again it's about the wide variety of people that live in such a densely-populated world.

Indeed. In fact, there are plenty of Poly folks who aren't all that great at compersion, either... at least if all the "am I broken because I can't feel compersion" threads on Reddit are to be believed.

I struggle to understand how someone loving me, or me loving someone, can ever be negative.

One point of view: when I feel romantic love, it's accompanied by an intenstity that I would not be able to maintain for more than one person. If I start nurturing feelings for someone else, I pull away from the other. It's how I am. And, for others who may be similar, and see things through their own experiences, they worry about the same thing happening to THEM when their partner falls for someone else.

I'm sure that's not the only reason people get worried, but it's the one I had. I was baffled that there WAS another way to love. Logically, I got it, but emotionally, it was, "you're going to grow distant from me because you now love her."
 
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