Poly wannabe

azvince

New member
Hello everyone. I've always been fascinated with with the polyamorous lifestyle, though I've not participated.
A few years ago I got out of a frustrating, tumultuous marriage or 20+ years. Just a few months into my freedom I met a wonderfully quirky woman whose intense sex drive matched my own. We quickly settled into a mono relationship.
In many ways she's like a soulmate. The only hitch is that after her own marriage broke up she was, for a few months, in a poly relationship with a couple of friends of hers. Upon learning this I was consumed with envy -- I'm not jealous, but the idea of having 3 and 4-somes has long been a fantasy of mine.
She says she's open to the possibility of us doing that, but is also rather sour on the lifestyle. She blames it for the breakup of her friends' marriage and fears that the experience would drive us apart. It also scares her, because she had an acquaintance who contacted hep C from a careless swap encounter with a couple who turned out to be IV drug users.
To placate me she agreed to go on Adult Friend Finder, but she rejected the couple I had befriended. As we are both in our 50's and slightly overweight we attract the same sort of people -- the man was too unattractive, she said.
I put the idea aside and we've been happy together for 5 years; still the issue of a 3 or 4-some nags at me. To complicate the matter I'm bi-curious and she is staunchly hetero (though during her swinging days she did dabble in a bit of girl-girl contact.)
I was OK until a recent conversation with a nephew on my ex-wife's side, who told me that one of his aunts (also about my age) was now happily involved in a 3-way relationship in California. Once again I'm obsessed with the idea. My girl and I frequently watch amateur swinger porn, which really gets me fired up, but I'd love to take it to the next level. I also resent the fact that she's experienced this and I haven't, and I don't want it to poison our relationship. Except for that, I feel that we're a perfect match.
Vince
 
Are you dead set on dating other couples as a couple? Dating as a couple is one of, if not the most unrealistic and awkward ways to go. Yes, it looks cool in porn and probably works if there are strict rules around "feelings" but if you're honestly interested in getting to know people and sharing intimacy, then allowing the breadth to date as individuals will set you on a better course. People seem to want to date as a couple so as not to threaten the relationship or because they want to share everything, but the very premise of couple dating is rather flawed, unless your prime aspiration is for three and foursome sex only. Adult Friend Finder is pretty sex-focused, as much as I know of it. There are other places to meet people who are more relationship oriented.

As for being in your 50s, some of the most sexually active people I know are men and women of a certain age in various types of open relationships. Just because other people have had "bad" experiences doesn't mean you will. You have a completely different life going than those people and who you attract depends on the energy you're putting out, not on what other people experience.
 
Greetings Vince,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re (from OP):
"Except for that, I feel that we're a perfect match."

Many's the time I've encountered such words, "We're a perfect match except for that ooooone little thing ..." only polyamory isn't a little thing. Not at all.

Perhaps you aren't looking for emotional involvement though? just a threesome or a foursome? Can you, like HappilyFallenAngel suggested, search for someone to hook up with separately from your immediate partner? It might make things easier.

I hope you'll find all the pleasure and happiness you seek.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
Hey guys, thanks for the words of encouragement. I was feeling like I unloaded way too much in my introduction, but I really had to get it off my chest.
Yes, Angel, I'm rather set on making it a couples thing; otherwise it would feel like cheating. Plus I think it would be much hotter that way. Compared to mine (lovers in single digits) my GF's history is pretty crazy -- I kept a list of her exploits and counted over 40. That fact excites me, so perhaps I've got a bit of a cuckold thing going on.
I know AFF's kind of cheesy but considering our work schedules we don't get out much. I did have some interesting conversations. There were two couples from Tucson who said they'd had a foursome relationship for years. That would be really cool, I think, but not sure my GF would go for it. One of the reasons she tried swinging, she said, because of the lack of emotion on her part -- the couple she "dated" were friends but no more than that. She said she was frustrated by her female friend's attempt to set "rules" -- no kissing her husband, for example. So I know my GF would prefer that the other couple be people we didn't otherwise see socially -- which is a Catch-22, because if you don't know them, how can you trust them when they say they're disease free? Sure, we'd take precautions, but she's a bit paranoid, which is probably how she went through all those lovers without catching anything. :)
Vince
 
True, polyamory means emotional involvement such as falling in love. Although I for one am willing to discuss nonmonogamy even if it's not the polyamorous kind.
 
I'm willing to discuss anything, but was just clarifying that if the OP is looking for couple-only action with no contact beyond sex, well..... that's cool, but that's not really part of the poly experience. A person need not be falling in love with every partner to be "poly" but certainly should be open to knowing partners beyond the bedroom. I'm not sure I understand very well what you're asking advice about, azvince.
 
I'm thinking Vince probably wasn't seeking advice, just was introducing himself (and his situation). Either that or perhaps he's wondering how to get his partner to be more amenable to the idea of casual threesomes/foursomes?
 
Well, I guess I WAS pretty unclear on the definition of polyamory -- thought it was a bit broader. :)
Yes my primary focus is sex, though I am trying to educate myself, and hopefully my partner, about the possibilities.
Personally I'm not averse to an extended circle of emotional involvement. I think that my partner isn't, though we haven't discussed it. Once I begin to clarify my goals in this matter, I'll definitely bring it up.
Definitely sheds some light on the "rules" that some swingers have (no kissing, no coming inside even with a condom, etc.) I'd guess these are motivated by the fear that the partner will form emotional bonds outside the primary relationship.
As Spock would say, fascinating.
Vaughn
 
You might find the book, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino, to be helpful.

Any questions you have, just let us know.
 
Hello everyone. I've always been fascinated with with the polyamorous lifestyle, though I've not participated . . . after her own marriage broke up she was, for a few months, in a poly relationship with a couple of friends of hers. Upon learning this I was consumed with envy -- I'm not jealous, but the idea of having 3 and 4-somes has long been a fantasy of mine.
Why do you have the mistaken idea that polyamory = group sex?
 
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