A mono man and his Jealousy. Therapy options, thoughts.

Questioning

New member
Hi

I have only just had my first serious poly talk with my partner of 18 months (more on that later). I am mono (I think) and though she has alluded to poly I kept stuffing my fingers in my ears and pretending it wasn't happening as I was completely smitten, and am mono. I thought I'd be such a good lover this would change. I was wrong (not about the lover thing!). I thought I could forgive her, thus be some kind of saint, and she would want only me - this was wrong too. Forgiveness implies she has done something wrong, which for poly people who do not understand they are poly must be a huge source of pain. Always thinking of herself as flawed, and that 'relationships' could never be serious as her men would eventually hate her, get fed up, and move on. This is her history, trying to be honest, being rejected for her beliefs, looking for love elsewhere, scenes and accusations, pain, solitude again, or stuck with a secondary while the man you love goes off and hates you. Belief she was flawed, abnormal, destined to loneliness.

I have been driven to despair trying to understand this women who obviously loves me, yet refused to commit. At wits end I was going to leave (for about 6 months). I'm quite lucky I didn't go insane, it was a very dark period but I do not give up on love, nor on friends, easily. I knew something didn't add up, and did my homework. LOTS of homework. I had to somehow keep it together enough not to drive her off while gaining some understanding of what I was actually dealing with.

I did (look them up if you want to deal with feelings better do yourself the favour) NLP, EFT, CBT therapies. All of these are amazing to learn about and do, I have grown emotionally in leaps and bounds. I highly recommend all 3 methods as self help therapy. EFT online - find Brad Yates on you tube. NLP - Tony Robbins is a master at this. CBT has an exercise - TEA. Thoughts, errors, action, this is really deep stuff, hard and it hurts at first. 3 days of this I was sane enough to 'talk' to my partner, instead of whine, or demand, or cry, or whatever else never seemed to work. This therapy is for those with dysfunctional backgrounds who have trouble thinking straight at times. The book to read is called 'Been there, done that, do this'. It seems a let down, very small, large print. BUT, do the TEA exercise and you will find relief. mine was rapid, some take months. many 'depressed and 'anxiety disorder' types come off medication after doing the TEA exercise. I am typically a happy person, but all that incongruity of who my partner was brought up loads of old wounds.

None of these therapies fixed the cause of the problem, my utter confusion as to where I stand. But it was important I was sane and rational enough to have 'the conversation' with my partner.

I told her I thought she was polyamorous, not flawed, and that she can have her needs met, if she were to understand and commit to meeting mine, which are simple, love, no more lies (only trying to protect me then, i said i don't want to know). I said the pattern of her life pointed strongly toward polyamory, and that her secondary was now approved, and yes it hurts me a bit, but there are ways to cope with jealousy, and if she will help, it's all workable, it's all ok.

She is stunned. She was convinced she was flawed - 'fucked' as she said. She was convinced she was destined to keep people at length yet she couldn't. she said she is over her head in love with me and an absolute mess as she was sure her behaviour would drive me away eventually. She hates keeping me at length but couldn't see another option, yet she couldn't keep me at length, I was wounded a lot, she was hurt by this, it was very hard for both of us to make sense of this thing.

All the pain just began to fall from us. It was incredible. I still have to deal with jealousy, but I have therapy tools, and more importantly, her willingness to help me. I will spend a bit of time now reminding my partner she is not 'fucked', and will introduce her to other polyamorous people so she can meet kindred souls and not feel so 'unique' (alone).

I am very grateful to have found the polyamory community, without reading your stories I would still be despairing, then we'd be split up, and both despairing.

This has been nothing short of a BREAKTHROUGH. Thank you.

"The course of true love never runs smooth."
 
Wow, she's lucky to be with someone like you! Sounds like you are supportive, eager to learn, willing to look deeply at yourself, wanting to understand her. Bravo! I wish you both happiness. I know for me it was a relief to hear about polyamory too, since it explained my destructive past relationship patterns.

Now I'm going to google TEA and the exercise you mentioned. Thanks!
 
Yay! So glad you are hear. I hope to hear her story too some time. I am in no way "fucked" and if this life I lead is "fucked" then I am happy with that. Because its fucking awesome! :D

I do hope you do a search here in the tags for "jealousy." There is a lot to be said by some very wise participants here. It could be helpful and add to what you have learned and accomplished in therapy.

Welcome to a new day :) Good luck to both of you.
 
Hi AC, thanks for the support. It is a little bittersweet for now for me, but the bitter is due to fear. Love is the polar opposite of fear. As a mono I fear that polyamory means 'not really loving' - which is nonsense. This is where TEA helps.

Get that book (Been There, Done That, Do This - Sam Obitz) out of your local library if you can. It's only a 2 hour read. Might be good for you, people you love, it's a cracker, but will force you to look at stuff objectively. I guess it's difficult at first as it is fairly dispassionate in dispatching thoughts which are attached to feelings (passion). It does help.

Here's an example of how I do TEA.

Thought: I am not truly loved/lovable as she loves another.

Errors: Jumping to conclusions; Reality filter (one aspect becomes the reality, instead of the whole picture); Ignoring the positive; Omnipotence error (think I'm responsible for things beyond my control).

Analysis: The lady loves me, has stuck through thick and thin, has always tried to be honest, has lived with a weight of regret for her very nature and deserves love and acceptance. She feeds me, loves me, buys me books, always comes when I'm in need, plus much more despite her schedule is greater than mine which is plenty to cope with. I am loved by her, my family, friends, colleagues - plus general public when I perform. I can give and get a lot of love. I choose to be with her and acceptance of her is part of that choice. The other guy can not alter her feelings for me as she is polyamorous. Everything I have read about polyamory and all I have observed in her and her 'confessions' points to the fact she is polyamorous. Her professed deep love is true, the evidence is blindingly obvious that she loves me deeply - so the thought is nonsense.

Yes she's lucky it's me :D Those other guys who rejected her are schmucks. Well, not true, but she's worth the 'growing pains'. I'm not in the clear, but its ok, I'm here.
 
Hi Red Pepper, thanks for the welcome. And the advice. I read polyamory stuff on jealousy early to identify core issues to adress in myself. I will be reading what I can find here for sure.

Baby steps, we can heal, grow, and do what we're here for, love.
 
Great story to read. Congrats on overcoming the initial hurdle and being able to look behind the facade of things. How familiar her story sounds, I have been in that place as well. thoughts like "How dare you? - What is wrong with you?" crossed my mind more than once. It seems that you two have a strong connection, that will help with all the things in front of you. Wishing you luck and happiness to be discovered on your way.
 
Thanks Phy.

We were out last night and I had the green eyed monster jealousy playing in my head. Some young guy hanging around, her (as host) greeting men. Fears that other flings were going on. Fears that she is somehow juggling everything I know - and managing a third secret life - so ridiculous! But oh boy, it all sounded real swimming round in my head as we sat through a two hour talk. Every man became a potential enemy.

Jealousy is pure evil. It festers in the imagination of the fearful. It is horrible.

I admitted my jealousy this morning and it didn't get a great reception. I didn't really know what to say, to explain how it was something I dislike just as much as she does, and I REALLY want to rid myself of it. This was unreasonable jealousy, but it is tied to me knowing things weren't right for a long time, it is an old wound salted at the moment.

It turned out ok, but I'm not that keen on approaching her with my imaginary jealousy any more, I think reality is one thing to discuss, but paranoia perhaps should be discussed with others whose jealousy might slip beyond 'reasonable' bounds at times as well.

It is wierd writing this stuff here, a jealous person in a polyamory forum, but I do not feel I'm in the wrong place. And jealousy is an emotion I get, not me as a person. There must be many here who have dealt with people with my conditioning, and perhaps helped them to find peace around their polyamorous selves/partners.

Jealousy of course is rooted in fear. The major underlying fear of all of us, according to Anthony Robbins is that I will not be good enough, therefore I will not be loved.

Being a good man doesn't just involve getting my head straight. Through this episode I have begun smoking too many cigarettes, eating poorly, lack of fitness, and a fair bit of 'self medication'. I had my priorities - emotional health, then back on track with everything. So now it's time for the everything.

We are going hiking tomorrow. It's going to kill me for the first half hour.
My quit date for cigarettes is Monday. I begin walking to uni (an old habit, 1 hour there) the same day. A large grocery run to supplement the large gardens and chicken run is planned Sunday. A gym is being set up in the greenhouse to muck about with. Weed, ah me old friend in times of grief, needs to be severely curtailed, there's research to be done.

Diet, exercise, study, WTF. Understanding my ployamorous partner took an extreme toll on me. I love her so much it was worth every tear and ounce of breath, but now, it's time to balance things out with some serious self love.

TEA today:

Thoughts: Now that I know what's going on, and that she loves me, I have no need to be fearful of her leaving me. I feel raw, edgy and tired as it has been a long road. I can continue to work on jealousy as part of my daily TEA. It is time for self love.

Errors: None.

Analysis: Wow I am a lucky guy. She loves me. I am not perfect, but I am working on myself and it is all good, I am good enough, and I am ok. :)
 
What a warming story to read. I wish you all the best!
 
Wow, nice to hear such a great success story - welcome to the world of mono/poly relationships! There are quite a few of us out here, dealing with the issues that are specific to trying to have a relationship where each partner has a very distinct mindset which some would regard as incompatible.

Your "does not compute" thought processes are very, very natural - I'm glad that you found that the analysis helps you work things through.

And I think I have been spending too much time on fetlife when all I can think of when I see CBT is "Cock and Ball Torture"... *sigh* (If you are squeamish, do NOT look this up - it really is what you think it is)
 
It turned out ok, but I'm not that keen on approaching her with my imaginary jealousy any more, I think reality is one thing to discuss, but paranoia perhaps should be discussed with others whose jealousy might slip beyond 'reasonable' bounds at times as well.

I just wanted to voice my agreement with this sentiment. I believe our thoughts and feelings are our own, to share or not as we choose. Especially when you yourself believe your jealousy is beyond "reasonable". I think the time to tell her about this emotion is when you would like her to change a behavior. For example, to let her know that you feel jealous when she (you fill in the blank) and you'd like her to slow down a bit while you work on your reaction.

I also want to point out that as wonderfully accepting of her polyamory as you are striving to be, and as aware as she is of her history of struggle with monogamy, it's not a given that your relationship will end up in a certain way -you as one of several boyfriends, or whatever you might imagine she would like. I'm speaking as a polyamorous woman whose monogamous husband as been coming to terms with this recently. For me, his growing acceptance of this aspect of me, along with a certain amount of freedom to explore it, has been satisfying. I don't feel a need to have sex with anyone else, or give other relationships any more of my time than my husband feels comfortable. It is enough that I am free to love. Limiting what I do about it is a concession I am able to make, and you may end up discovering that she is too. In other words, your feelings are as valid as hers, and the two of you can work this out together.
 
Thank you everyone your input is all regarded most warmly.

Another confused. Great post. I know she might not be my life partner, but the friendship will never end we have come so far, and are so in tune now. We argue, but these get resolved. I am very happy with things right now, there is no more subconscious pushing from her, no hiding her face, nail biting, eyes downcast moments I used to watch in horror. No more secrets. We light up when we see each other, we joke about all day like best mates, and the lovemaking is simply divine, or completely feral! ;) (too much info?)

This girl really cares for me. She won't abandon me, but yes, other men exist, but I wont abandon her either. Men who run away from someone they deeply love because it's not perfectly like the terms they would like to dictate, well, I get it, I also think they wimped out a bit and let down people they love. I still get it, I just, you know, this is a breakthrough, everyone should have the odd breakthrough, it's so enlightening.

It's early days yet, no gaurantees. Why plan your whole life just to be dissapointed eh. But for now, for this year it's on, and we can look at next year as it approaches.

Who knows, I might be a poly guy? Never thought about it before now. But today I'm extremely happy with what I already have, and that'll be just fine for now.
 
Men who run away from someone they deeply love because it's not perfectly like the terms they would like to dictate, well, I get it, I also think they wimped out a bit and let down people they love.

THIS!

I so wish I could get people to understand this. I get a lot of flack from my family because my relationships are difficult. I *love* these men. Just because they don't/can't participate the way I want them to, doesn't mean they don't love me, and it doesn't mean they're not worthy of being loved by me. I love them better than anyone I've ever known (and I've known, biblically and otherwise) more than a few people. I only feel normal when I'm with them.

Good on'ya!
 
Hey, jealousy might be evil, but if you give it a big hug and decide to let it in so you can understand it its really just a big ol' softy with some really big emotions. It needs a big cry and to be understood is all.... then it will turn into a squishy teddy bear and disappear :D
 
I didn't read other replies here only your first post.
You are really amazing, I wish to reach that situation with my boyfriend.

hope it all works out. :)
 
I love you people already.

So this is your secret, you're all so damn nice everyone falls in love with you. Foiled! ;)

Thank you for the nice comments. It's not all sweetness and light here, but the balance has shifted considerably.

Yesterday was sheer bliss, last night I wake in an adrenalin surge, (very common during the dark times) convinced something is wrong, my brian races looking for trouble, unable to find any I start inventing some...

A lady turned up in the middle of the forest to a hut we worked from yesterday - hours off the beaten track - a casual new friend of my partners who's just moved to town. My brain is trying to tell me it's an arranged liason. But truth is it was a bored ecologist went tramping and decided to check up if we're at the hut as she knew we were in those mountains.

And now, I hope she is chasing M. She's really nice, very likeable, we get on great, and M hasn't had a lady lover in several years. No I don't want her too, though the baser side of me might entertain the thought a little :D

I'm happy today. Happy we are where we are, happy I managed to TEA my silly thoughts away with ease. Happy I am becoming open to the concept of other lovers for M.

Healing takes time, the trick is not to let up on the TEA or whatever you do when you feel in the clear (better). Stay on it, make sane thinking your imperative. Rejoice in the progress and declare war on self obsession and jealousy in all it's forms. Meanwhile be entirely selfish in the pursuit of your sanity.

BIG LOVE - to all.
 
Hey Questioning,

I finally got around to reading your thread here; it's great to hear that you and M are doing so much better now.

This site here (Polyamory.com) has surely got tons of info about jealousy, so use the "Search" feature and have a look around. But I also know of a few good external links you can use:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

That last link isn't about jealousy per se, but it's such a wonderful presentation and has many applications, including jealousy, for sure. Well worth checking out.

May you and M share many happy (and challenging!) moments as the weeks, months, and years go by.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
One thing to think about is how in our culture, we are taught to manifest our relationships as sort of contained & condensed into themselves, ever smaller. I love her so much all I can think about is her. All I wanna do is spend time with her. We spend less time with our friends so we can talk all day every day. Etc.

Instead, it's possible for a relationship itself to extend outwardly in the form of your other connections. When I meet a new girl, my relationship with my domestic partner is expressed in everything I do with the new person. My partner's light shines through in the new relationship. It wouldn't be the same without her, *I* wouldn't be the same without her, and everything I do is in the spirit and honor of what we have. She is my rock, my foundation on which other relationships can grow. The new connections don't have to take away OR have "no effect" on the existing one -- they can add to it.
 
Thanks for the links kdt - halfway through second one now.

I believe like many others that jealousy is a secondary emotion, and for me insecurity and fear underly jealousy, and the course these stem from the base fear - I am not enough, therefore I will not be loved.

I woke with more adrenaline today. Still having a hard time not feeling betrayed from when M was unconvincingly telling me she and another's relationship was platonic. This was fairly recent. She left me here, but I pretended I was ok, and she pretended there was no sex involved, and both knew otherwise.

She apologised, but I had to ask for the apology. I know this pattern of dishonesty is from her trying to protect loved ones, but dishonesty for me is huge, good intentions or not. It's all the childhood stuff again. Those people who were meant to love and take care of me let me down. I have trust issues, and though the lie is over, it resonates in my head.

My head - that source of bliss and despair, thinking frames the emotions, thinking around todays events is related to previous experience (we seem to choose the worse memories - self protection? - to bounce current events off).

So I think of her telling me lies (to protect me, and still not knowing who she was - self loathing - which allows us to behave like assholes) and all the distrusts and let downs of my past join forces to scream at me - RUN, YOU'RE GOING TO GET BURNT.

It's early days. I have a lot of processing of my own stuff to do yet. The thing is, reliving the past is a waste of time I spent years trying to fix my head previously but throw a relationship into the mix and all the old crap was right there again. Waste of time and resources imo. For lasting change I am learning to address the thoughts that trigger the emotions.

Thoughts: M is dishonest and will hurt me repeatedly through dishonesty and so I am better off taking my leave now.

Errors: Jumping to conclusions (will hurt me repeatedly). Blowing things out of proportions (she is a dishonest person). Extreme thinking (hurt repeatedly, take my leave). Reality filter (zero in on one negative aspect at expense of rest of picture). Ignoring the positive.

Analysis: From the amount of errors found in that one sentence it is obvious I'm not thinking straight. The extent of my hurt is largely proportionate to the extent of my past I choose to carry as baggage, and frankly, I'm sick of feeding off sympathetic energy for that crap, so it's time to stop being walking wounded, and return to thoughts of love. M has tried to be honest from the start, it's me who said I don't want to know. The dishonesty is with honest intention, and now the truth is out for all to see, there is no need for it anymore, but thinking perfection will arrive immediately after many years of using 'lies to protect others' - it may be unrealistic - I should look for progress, not perfection. I am looking for trouble. I am looking for something to be aggrieved about. What is the real stressor? Workload and procrastination! She loves me, she cares for me a great deal. I don't want to leave. I chose to stick it out, I chose to love her and to use this opportunity to get a handle on jealousy and other emotions that plague me. I am doing really well. For myself also - I should expect progress, not perfection.

Whew, that's a bit better, processing will go on a while, it gets faster and faster though.

Thanks for the pm from the person who this is helping already. It's the best tool I've found for dealing with thoughts. And as I've learned:

Thoughts -> Filtered through experience to give context -> emotions.

It is my choice when I think of M to go to the dishonesty and dwell on that, or to think of the love, the hugs, the caring, the laughter, the kisses, the good times of which there are so many. Her very smile lights me up.

We can control our thinking to some extent, and that in turn will get a handle on our emotions. I'll always be a passionate man, but my passion can be directed.
 
Have you put M in touch with this board or any other way to read about polyamory and particularly people who practice it? I'm guessing she has so much guilt and shame around her feelings and actions, being honest is more than she can handle. It's one thing for you to give her this amazing story that you understand her nature and will try to accept it, and another to truly believe that you won't despise her for it, especially if she despises herself for it. It could be so reaffirming for her to hear stories of other people who love the way she does. I know it was for me.

You might also need to clarify between you what honesty means. Maybe you do want to know who she's sexually involved with, but not the details. Maybe you want to know whether she has other partners and how many, but not who they are. Considering your jealousy when you were out together, I'm guessing you'd be someone who'd like to know at least who she is involved with or interested in, so you aren't in a panic over every person who looks her way.

Hang in there! She's not deceiving you out of disrespect or malice. She's probably just afraid of losing you, most especially now that she realizes you might be the first man to ever try to accept her the way she is.
 
Thanks for that AC.

I am slowly introducing polyamory to M, and have been gleaning stories for her to read. Our lives are incredibly busy right now so I am just letting it be as is, with nothing but encouragement. Definately want M to be able to read of and meet other polyamorous folks so she doesn't feel so alienated. As workoad eases off in 6 weeks or so, we'll have opportunity to explore and introduce her to this community then. Honestly her schedule is insane, mines not that much better.

I know who the other people are in her life, I just get full of fear sometimes and then everyone is a potential threat as I feel so worthless.

Really appreciate the kind words. Her love has noticeably deepened since our poly talk, and I am very grateful for this also.
 
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