A mono man and his Jealousy. Therapy options, thoughts.

Thank you for this thread, Questioning. :D

So much of this resonates with struggles I'm having. My SO and I are not involved with other people just now but I am struggling with feelings of insecurity.

I understand where they come from. I know why I feel unimportant and why the things that trigger those feelings are triggers.

But getting through them is proving hard. So much of what you say about your approach give me hope. So thank you. xxx
 
Also consider, if you're having jealous reactions when M admits she's seeing somebody, it's probably scaring her out of admitting the truth. Not that this excuses her dishonesty, but it partially helps explain it. It should also give you hope that as you get a better handle on that jealousy (and you're already doing that), she'll probably become less afraid to tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
 
I did the TEA exercises, and they worked! I was really good, M noticed it - "it's like when we first met again", my friends noticed it "you're a lot more upbeat lately" and my marks noticed it - straight A's. What was most important of course is that I noticed it. I really began to feel good, but a large part of that hinged on the fact M was happy, and we were getting time together. This is a primary purpose for many men, to make their woman happy, it was working, I was ecstatic.

Now the confession bit. Work piled up and up at university and M's workload was a freakin nightmare, mine was 3/4 of hers and 14 hour days were the norm. We barely got any time, but it was ok. For weeks we barely got any time together. I missed her bad, saw her briefly at school, quick sex and she's off again bout once a week, things to be grateful for. I began to feel sad again, lonely, unloved. YUK. I knew that TEA works, but had stopped using it for about a month. WHY?? I knew my thinking was going wrong and I needed to do something (TEA) but for some stupid reason I was resistant to helping myself and began to slide.

I brought up my insecurities and other head crap with M several times in the past fortnight. When M announced she was spending her birthday away I tried to be cooperative but I wasn't and pretty much gave her a guilt trip.

So, here I am, checking in, an unfinished story. Why I returned to this self-destructive behaviour I don't know. I do know it's time to admit that I should never have stopped the TEA (as it works - for me) and I need to make it a regular part of my schedule as when the pressure is on I can revert back to idiot in short order.

All my unhappiness is about fear - I am not good enough, thus, I will always be alone. BUT! M has said - I will always come back to you. I will go overseas working and on holiday, I will go see him, but I will always come back. Why am I so sad. If I had 100% of a womans time - I would ask for less! - some ME time for me, surely! The time she leaves to be with him I am at my most vulnerable, this is where I needed her support, but I had not been supportive, so what did I expect.

I chose to accept her polyamory, but I let myself slide back into the angst and crap. I've been TEA again for 2 days, still dark in my head but it's bearable. It took 2-3 days last time for the raw edge to get rasped off using TEA.

That's another thing. This time she left, we were not on a good foot. Yet I was nowhere near as down as last time, and the first time - suicidal, medicated. There is certainly a lot of improvement.

The problem then is not so much the polyamory today, but me using emotional leverage to make her feel bad as I have been wallowing in it, then us being apart on bad terms after a long period of having very little time.

We need some quality time, and it will come shortly.
 
Laboring under a heavy workload is always stressful, so it probably spilled over into your relationship. The TEA exercises will probably help, plus you and M will get some quality time together soon.

Just realize you're both under extra stress, and be patient/forgiving toward yourselves and each other. I hope it gets easier soon.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin

Yes stress and workload have certainly played their part, and luckily this has been acknowledged by both parties.

Today we got an hour or so and got to talk. I still get to see her but I'm in the dogbox. There's only so much of a stupid behaviour one can take, and so I have been challenged, and she is correct:

a) I am too intense

b) I need to stop obsessing over her and take control of my life.

Both are fair. I find it very hard not to obsess over M. I am head over heels but it's worse than that, I'm also constantly thinking of her, analysing what she says (not what I'm thinking eg TEA), and I get frantic with worry when I've not seen her for a few days.

Not good.

The steps I've taken to get a life of my own (activities not including M) are positive, but slow moving. Am getting back on stage, which also gives me a social life and fun circle to hang out with. Am getting a vehicle (not immediately but soon) so I can go visit, go do shows, generally stop sitting here hoping M will arrive.

Obsession, I hate it. Anyone with experience in removing the obsession and retaining the love? I'll keep doing TEA, I was getting better, right now I'm a bit insecure, unsure, afraid.

TEA

Thoughts: I can't stop obsessing.

Errors: Extreme thinking. Jumping to conclusions.

Analysis/rant: If I stopped obsessing I would actually be a lot happier than when I am. Obsessive thoughts are poison, they freeze me out of activities I should be doing, and self perpetuate paranoia and falsities. I think I obsess as I feel I have no control (correct) over M, and when I am angsty she pushes me away, then i get worse, she gets worse, stupid circle! As I am the one who is into all this analysis, and have seen where this destructive behaviour gets me, I am the one who needs to change, and this will break the whole cycle.

I am so afraid of going back to the dark despair I felt in the past that I obsess over avoiding it, and nearly bring it upon myself in the process. I can stop obsessing over M by replacing that wasted time with things that truly make me happy (M not included). Getting on stage and being funny, getting on stage and reading (funny) poems. Going to parties with friends and getting liquored up. Hiking, weight training... I can also stop obsessing by regularly (DAILY) TEA exercises to work some of the madness out. This exercise exposes madness to the light of day, and when it is identified as rubbish, has much less power over me.

My obsession is me trying to avoid pain, and it is backfiring. I can stop obsessing, it is a matter of self preservation to do so.
 
Well, I think it's only natural to worry about the future. Most of us do it. Bad things can happen in the future. But if you agonize over it too much, you kind of rob yourself of the happiness you could have enjoyed here in the present. Not to mention a whole lot of the bad events you fear/anticipate in the future may never come to pass. The only exception would be when you got so hung up with "doom and gloom," that it caused you to act as if all the bad stuff was already happening, and that can make M feel pushed away. So try to avoid that part of the vicious cycle.

You'll definitely benefit from having things to do that you enjoy while M is away. Something so it doesn't have to be "scary to be left alone with your own thoughts." Your thoughts are trying to scare you. Shoo them away with TEA exercises, visits with friends, and fun stuff that you like to do. Then you won't be in "freak-out mode" when M shows up; you'll be in a healthy/positive frame of mind. Above all, seek to appreciate and enjoy what you have right here and now, rather than agonizing over all the many things that could go wrong tomorrow. You couldn't possibly cover everything that could go wrong, and in the meantime you're missing out on the hopeful feelings about the many things that could go well tomorrow.

If there's anything you can do to prepare for the future, that's a good idea because it might mean better odds of things going better. Just don't obsess so much about preparing for the future that you actually barricade yourself against the future, both good and bad scenarios. When preparing for the future, prepare yourself to receive the good things that will happen as well.

More practice and thinking will get you in a little better cycle, as time goes on. I think that's something to look forward to.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
That's good food for thought Kevin.

The TEA has created rapid changes in my thinking, and subsequently feelings, again. I have made an appointment to see a counsellor to join a CBT group she might set me up with. CBT is the umbrella TEA belongs to. The stuff is working so well for me, I am intrigued, and would like to learn what other tools I might employ. TEA seems to allow me to face truths as I unravel layers of (rubbish) thoughts that obscure them. I think my resistance to continuing TEA may be a fear of change? Fear of no more excuses and gotta get off my butt and get on with it - no more pity party :D

I believe what I do (thinking) has a lot to do with time. I go time travelling in my head to solve problems... I think this is my broken self defense mechanism: I allow a portion of my past over which I had no real control (childhood, and later, jail) to dictate how I percieve the events of the present (powerless) and possible futures (powerless).

Of course, this is utter nonsense!

If I haven't shared the jail bit yet, I was a wild youth till 24. Kept getting caught for cannabis, got locked up with some real assholes. No butt rape :eek: just attacked a few times. Jail is soul destroying and for cannabis charges plain wrong. Long time ago, it wasn't all bad, and I'm ok :eek:

The trick to success (peace of mind in my case) in the face of adversity, is to just have the best day I can, one day at a time, wherever I was at. In that manner I am not powerless. When they locked me up I did what I could do. I wrote a book; got fit; learned to boil water for tea using a plastic spoon and some wire, and how to smuggle weed in my butt ;)

The best I can do, one day at a time took me from unemployed ex con to stage and television work, travel, mates so talented you'd have heard of some of them, and now science, and coming into post graduate studies in ecology (love it!). I do have control, I am doing real well, now to become an expert in the ways of unconditional love - with boundaries hehe.

I have been feeling powerless as obsession renders me powerless, my thoughts preoccupied with M make me largely incapable of seeing the rest of the awesomeness that is my life, including her participation in it. Blinded by bullshit thinking and feeling powerless I try to control things out of my control.

M is a wonderful addition to my life and I to hers. The future cannot be foretold. The past is done. I can use bad experiences to interpret today or I can draw on the strength of character I have displayed again and again throughout my life. I am surrounded by love and wisdom, including here in this forum. I am not and need never be alone.
 
That's the spirit. You have the wisdom you need, you just need sufficient quiet of mind to tap into it. When you find you're getting wound up with anxiety, get a chance to take a break, sit, lay down, close your eyes, examine the racing thoughts. Let them race with you as an observer, until they start slowing down and you can analyze them. The rest is pretty much stuff you already know how to do.

We always have a circle of concern (things we'd like to change), and a circle of influence (things we *can* change. Stay focused on your circle of influence -- on that part of it that intersects the circle of concern. Things you can change, that you also want to change. Be at peace about the things you can't change. Rejoice in the progress and freedoms that you do have. Don't torture yourself with things that could supposedly go wrong with M. Instead, rejoice that you have M in your life, here and now. Don't let the goodness of this moment slip away.

Joining a CBT group sounds like a great idea.
 
Questioning. I just wanted to say thank you for this thread.

The TEA concept is new to me but wow, it's a powerful tool to difuse a challenging emotion.

I'm not offering advice of any sort just a thank you for sharing. Your insights have helped me and I'm sure others as well. If there's any consolation in that, I hope you accept it.

Good luck. I wish you nothing but love and peace. May you have stillness of heart sooner than later.
 
Thank you for the excellent feedback. It feels strange baring myself like this, but other members have done the same and helped me. Also, although sharing my thoughts is honesty, when the thoughts are exposed they are often absolute rubbish :D - the 'honesty' is falsified.

SO, which way is up? ;)

I am so much better today than I have been in a long time. I'm almost myself again. Here I am sitting in my skin and enjoying my own company (and thoughts), I'm thinking about things I want to do (most of the time), and am producing a good deal of good work. I am concerned with issues of my own, exams, fitness, bad habits, stage work, raising finance. M is probably asleep right now amid a sprawl of 20 something bodies after a class party. Good for her, it's great blowing off steam, and cutting loose is hard to do in the presense of your partner. A part of me wants to complain, the part that tries to protect me and just drives me insane with worry and jealousy.

Thoughts: M got drunk and fucked someone last night, therefore, what we have is broken.

Errors: Jumping to conclusions. Ignoring the positive. And emotional blocking - a common error I have recognised in myself which I will now call - pity party - in which emotions are allowed to compromise my wellbeing and productivity - it is my faulty old self defense/warning system from faulty thinking. So!...

Analysis: I am jumping to conclusions, and even if M hooked up a drunk fuck, I am not losing her, or her love, the great sex, the friendship, none of it, unless I choose to be upset and think it's all about me :D and make her so miserable, and me so miserable, for what? Drunk sex? We're all human, just love her, besides, if she did, she'll beat herself up enough for both of us.

What we have is awesome, so awesome in fact that I have allowed myself to ignore so many other great things in my life and have limited myself severely in the process (and blamed M for my pity party). But life, love, happiness, and enjoyment need not have some kind of limit imposed on them. With balance each aspect of life might accentuate the other, with love for myself my love for life and others in it grows.

I am more afraid of an affair. Hah! There already is one, always has been. Thoughts old and tired. Polyamory means love is not limited, her love for others does not diminish her love for me.
 
Originally Posted by Questioning
Thoughts: M got drunk and fucked someone last night, therefore, what we have is broken.

This is just your paranoia making up worst case scenarios, right? Slaps hand - "Stop that!"

:D

Oh yes, it's silly paranoia, and worth it (for me) to challenge the thoughts to show this is so. The whole underlying fear is that I won't handle it, therefore, not good enough, not loved bla bla bla. The broken record. For me to get off this cycle of thinking I have to actively stamp out thoughts others (emotionally healthier others?) can dismiss outright.

Thing is, TEA is making me accept even worse case scenarios are not armageddon (except perhaps armageddon :rolleyes: ) which is making reality itself a wonderful comparison instead of the doom, no choices wank I ran over and over without TEA. I wasn't always like this, doesn't matter why I am really, just what I can do about it now. And though it's hard to start, and makes you a bit raw at first, TEA is for me very effective, and fast.

Please excuse if I sound defensive, not intented. I appreciate the feedback.
 
There's a lot of wisdom to confronting the "worst case scenario" (as a hypothetical) straight up. You'll do fine, just look forward to the good times you'll have with M in the near future.
 
Obsession, I've been examining the psychology of it in the hopes to unravel it. I go through extreme pain at times, am in it now, when I don't know exactly what's going on, this is sick.

So, obsession. Let's examine how dark this shit gets, in the hope of some light.

My obsession with M is said to be a secondary emotional response, fortified by beliefs (experience and worldview), that is an attempt by the logical mind to cover up a primary emotional response.

A primary emotional response is at the heart of it. Attached to this primary emotional response is an image - a picture of the stimulus that first created this primary emotional response.

I can say right now the primary emotional response is fear. Fear that I won't handle it, that I will hurt M, or someone she is with, or myself. The image attached to this is one of despair and desolation, burned bridges, self loathing, loneliness, hopelessness, suicidal despondency. So I'm trying to protect myself from some pretty dark stuff. There's a lesson here. A dire warning. I am NOT responsible for others behaviour only my own. I can NOT control others. I CAN control myself. Trying to control things outside of my control leads to feelings of powerlessness, so I cling on tighter. Silly, let go.

Where's the obsession coming from? I'm terrified of surprises, of having something revealed to me so abhorrent I wont cope and will act innapropriately. I'm trying to protect myself, and her. I'm looking for certainty in an uncertain situation. Keeping my thoughts on what she might possibly be doing wrong I am covering the possibility that I might do something wrong (not handle it). I'm looking for ammunition to tell her to fuck off, I'm terrified of losing love so much (especially if it is my fault) I'm looking for reasons to not love. Reasons to run away. My primary response is to RUN, throw all my toys out of the cot and scream defiance at the love that was not fulfilled by my parents (and projected onto her).

So my logical brain steps in, says this is all nonsense, and love is rare and precious and must be nurtured, however, I should be careful!! And so the obsession begins, me trying to control things out of my control so that i might have risk free love - HA!

It hurts being me at times. It hurts facing such truths. Dark thoughts are only thoughts though. I am a good man, and have made many wise yet painful decisions in my life. I will not lose the plot, hurt anyone or burn my bridges. I need to shift my focus to areas I have control over. Work, career, comedy, social life, health.

I need to adress those core fears too, with TEA, scary right now, but i'll do it.
 
Walking is good for thought, and I just spent some time with my thoughts on all this.

The obsession, I now realise, is made up of a lot of stuff. It is giving beyond giving. Many people know what I'm talking about, loving too much. The danger is that in giving giving giving a snapping point is reached and victim (giver) becomes persecutor. This ties to (my) primary fear of not handling things.

But the reality of M is she is not a selfish taker at all. She loves and gives generously. The reality is that my loving has become obsessive, as the primary fear (not handling it, therefore not good enough, therefore will be alone) is driving me to try and control things.

So I cook meals, compose bad poetry, think about M, talk about M, forum about M, text M, facebook M, phone M... Trying to be perfect, trying to stack up, trying to be good enough. And instead being a pain in the ass, for both of us. :D

Love is wonderful, love driven by fear is not love, it is obsession. Yet, on any given day I can feel love and obsession, the two have never met at the exact same time though, they are not compatible.

The image attached to my primary emotional response is like a combo of all the dark and lonely bits of my life. It drives fear into me. Fear drives the obsession to 'fix things'. To fix what? The fear of not handling things, therefore not being good enough, therefore being alone. This is the driver, it recurs like a stuck record all through this thread, it recurs in many men I know.

Why the stuck record - the revisiting of old issues, wounds? It seems the primary issues are not being resolved as I face fears in the context of what's happening with M (obsessive secondary response).

I am afraid of losing love. Whether me being good enough, her leaving, whatever. I am afraid of being alone period. I don't like it. The experience of being alone is clouded with this horrible imagery and obscuring all the wonderful happy independant times I have experienced in my life. So I'll change the thought of being alone from horrible to ok. I know I prefer having a lover, without a lover is not devastation and doom, it is transition.

The fear of not being good enough is a self esteem issue. That then, is my next target.
 
Unbelievably similar

Hi Questioning,

I joined this site around a month ago (see my thread from around a month ago ' GF of 4 years makes an announcement').

Your experiences / emotions are so similar to the ones I'm going through right now. Our situation began when J went behind my back around 2 months ago - she kind of fell for a guy at work and has since realised that she is poly, as she loves me and has no intention of removing me from her life, but likes spending time with this other guy, occasionally.

I've had the same feeling of my entire life being on hold while I completely obsess, jump to conclusions, often wrong ones, torturing myself really.

She moved out 3 weeks ago, to get some space (which I interpreted as get some 'him'). As it stands, we are separated, but she has made it clear that she sees her future with me. It is really only my obsessive thinking, suspicion and jealousy that are keeping us apart, and she has told me this (aside from the breathing space she needs anyway, to process her own ideas about herself, what she wants from life etc). Those 3 weeks for me have been a living hell - I have been obsessing night and day. If I analyse why, I think maybe because I've lost control, of her, us, that I'm feeling abandoned, and of course the green eyed monster is playing his role in my obsession.

There are so many parallels with my own story that I felt compelled to add a post - you are not alone padre, and I actually think you are a bit further down the road to recovery/acceptance than I am, but I have started working on it, which is the first step. Accepting and loving her the way she is and dealing with the new reality, and dealing with my emotions, feelings of rejection, fear or losing her, jealousy etc, is the only way forward.

This week I told her that not only do I accept her the way she is, but I'm willing to accommodate this guy in her life - to start with I've suggested one 'date' day per month. I think we are making progress and she knows that this is a massive act of love from me. I've also stopped the constant contact with her that I know was suffocating her.

You mentioned TEA - is that an American term? I'm in the UK and have googled, but the results, (typically for the UK) come up with the tea we drink copious amounts of here. I know I need help to deal with my situation, and want to start therapy to deal with the pain I've suffered recently, as well as the new reality I face going forward. So I'm interested to find out the ways you help yourself on this.
 
The TEA is fromcognitive Behavioural Therapy. It is Thoughts, Errors, Analysis.

I just got dumped. She says she doesn't love me the way I love her and she feels guilty encouraging me. My obsession finally destroyed the thing I was obsessing about. M is still my friend but I am devastated at the moment, and have 3 exams on next week. She will still be friends but she is not attracted to me anymore. Why?

I think I ruined it, I said I accepted her polyamory, then I took the acceptance back, got obsessed again, and started making all sorts of accusations and demanding answers to things that are really none of my business.

So the thing you got to ask yourself - Can I live with this? If you believe you can that's all good, and saying so is an act of love and kindness, but if you go back on your word and get all emotional instead of having rational conversations about boundaries etc, you may be permanently out of grace.

I got to pick up the pieces here, I got far too much on for a crisis, but crisis it is. I neeed to stay out of my obsession and concentrate on study. DAMMIT!

I suck at love.
 
I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully it's just a point you both needed to get to, and now she has the time she needs to compute and analyse, she will realise that you were trying to deal with the new reality, but that you had some backward steps as well as forward ones. After all you were instrumental in articulating it the poly situation in the first place.
I fear I'm going down the same path, another bad night tonight - just when it seemed like we were making progress, she was out with her friends and I started to obsess and create scenarios in my mind, that actually weren't true. We spoke tonight and she said I'm losing her. If I cannot keep a handle on this soon, I know I will. because I know the worst thing in all of this situation, is my bad reaction to things. I will qualify this and say that some of my reactions have been perfectly understandable. But I know that some have been borne out of complete obsession.
Thanks for the info on therapy. I fear I might need grief therapy soon!
 
OK mobetterblues, I am here for you. That was the shortest 'dumped' I've ever had. We just had sex twice, now she's gone home to study.

But... REALITY!!! She was in love with me but I kept being emo. Now I am not in good graces, and any more emo stuff and she'll be gone for good. Feelings are ok, obsession is hard work, horrible bullshit.

Last year my obsession started and basically I have been an emo idiot for the best part of a year. It's really fucked, as you know, if she pushes me away I get emo, if i'm not emo I can't do anything wrong. My obsession tells me 'she doesn't stick with you through thick and thin' - she does, but there's only so much emotional blackmail (I'll hurt myself) and accusations a loved one can take before they despair of you. M cares a great deal but my emotions got beyond reasonable bounds several times. mistakes are fine, repeated mistakes just get fucking boring.

So I begged. FUCK PRIDE when it comes to love, pride is nothing but a construct of the ego, a bunch of messages from people who like to sound important and knowing, pride is bullshit. And your obsession will use your pride to try and justify all that wasted energy you put into it.

Here's where we're at. She's decided I'm too unstable as a partner. She lost attraction to me for exactly the reason I said, taking back the acceptance of polyamory - when I pointed it out as the reason, and apologised, I knew there was hope as her reception of this was very good. She loves me, but is not 'in love' with me. I still turn her on (YAY) but 'in love' is when a woman feels safe with me, I have been too unstable lately, I might try to repair this, but concentrating on fixing 'us' is actually an error. Understanding 'us' the polyamory really helped, but there is no 'us' to fix. There's me to fix. If M is in my life or not, there's me to fix. So, i have a wonderful friend, she will be my lover if i can stop the emotional rubbish. If I pin my hopes on a long term prospect with her I will probably get hurt again. She has given up on me as a long term prospect.

If I spend my waking hours trying to win her back (obsessing) I am a fool, the obsessing is the root of the problems now, the polyamory is dealt with and understood. I need to get my life as full and rewarding as possible, to stand on my own feet. M is a bonus in my life, not a given.

As love is never a given, and there is a lot of uncertainty in building a relationship, people often feel out of control. For myself feeling like I have no control scares the crap out of me (due to past) so I try to control things, plan to, think about how to.... I OBSESS!

And under the obsession is the fear. I wont handle it therefore I'm not good enough therefore I will always be alone. The best advice i can give you is to trot out those fears and use TEA as a tool to dispel them. TEA is a marvellous tool, it will leave you feeling RAW for a couple of days, but you'll feel improvements fast. Get professional help if you can. Get into a CBT group, not for her, not to fix the couple thing, for your peace of mind, your happiness. It sounds counterintuitive but the more we try to fix things the more we fuck them up. We are POWERLESS over people, only ourselves.

Yeah I know, obsession, you feel powerless. it's hard to stop. It's hard to start anything else. You don't really have a choice, pain then despair (obsession) or pain then improvement (TEA and good therapy) are your options really. she could come back and be attentive and everything is WONDERFUL again, but that obsession still lives in your head, first sign of trouble (real or imagined) it will rear its ugly head again.

I am writing this stuff for myself as much as I am for you. I'll do another post shortly, on my analysis of my obsession so far, see if it rings any bells. I send you love and caring over the internet, you are not alone, only when you are in that head of yours.
 
First some shorthand, so hopefully you'll see the links, or lack of links more clearly.

1 = primary emotional response
2 = secondary emotional response (also known as obsession).
1a = image attached to 1
2b = Beliefs attached to 2
-> = leading to, attached to or causing

1 is the underlying cause of 2. (1 ->2) Dealing directly with 2 e.g. the thoughts associated with 2 is a great way to keep yourself maintained a bit, but does not deal with 1 which causes 2 so the problem can resurface. 2 is hiding 1. And 2 hides 1 in such a manner it is difficult to get at. But you can get in around the edges when you see the construction of the beast. I recommend writing out a model for yourself if models (flow chart etc) work for you.

Here's how it is built.

1 -> 1a < -> thoughts about 1 & 1a -> 2b <-> 2.

As you can see, 1 is far removed from 2, though going from 1 - 2 can be instant.

1 is a subconscious effort to prevent something terrible happening. Something triggers the subconscious which reacts to protect you. The subconscious uses what it can (worldview, information, experiences) to create 1a - an image of what originally triggered the emotional response. 1a is typically composed of past problems, failures, experiences that were really horrible - as a mechanism to induce fear it works, and some may recognise what is unresolved and why they got triggered, and some (like me) may runneth screaming "Fuck that shit, it hurts too much". This (resolution or run) is the "thoughts about 1 and 1a" process following 1 and 1a. The image can be instant, take you completely off gaurd, and so we may react instead of catch it for what it is (past shit, unlearned lesson, unresolved trauma, crooked worldview, whatever it is).

The thought of my losing M causes 1. FEAR. Fear of not being able to handle it. Fear I will hurt (physically &/or emotionally) M or someone else or myself. Fear I will become a complete wreck. I've hit a man who was with 'my' girl before and felt so bad about it, I've been a blithering mess before, my subconscious knows this and is trying to protect me. It uses the most powerful images it can find to try and protect me - doh. The fear I can't handle it has a process too. If i don't handle it -> I'm not good enough -> then I wont be loved. We just want to be loved.

It's not just about fears here though. There's a lesson to learn. For me... It's about forgiving myself for mistakes in the past, about me doing a better job of looking after myself today, about me dealing with my jealousy, about me enjoying my own company. It's not about being loved by others, it's about loving myself. I want to be loved - love myself! M is not in this picture, I got to take my power back, which is where this can actually help things with M. The images of me at my worst combined with thoughts of worst case scenarios are a powerful combo that spell out doom and gloom. I MUST do something to fix this, so I make a dickhead of myself and run to 2b :D

Opting to run, and fueled by scary thoughts about 1 and 1a we go into avoidance mode 2b -> 2. 2b is the beliefs - I can control (handle) it, if I pay enough attention I will resolve this issue and never go to 1 again. I go over and over what is potentially wrong, and how I can fix it. This, as you'd recognise, is 2. OBSESSION!

I can fix it, I can handle it, how do I, what if I, what if she.... then 1 and 1a pop in and I recoil in fright back to 2b - I can control, I must control...

See that horrible 1a, telling me not only if I get dumped will I be alone, I will lose it, grow dishevelled, lash out, be despairing and despised. This is only thoughts. Yes, I must learn the lessons, and that way 1a never happens. As I deal with 1 though working on my fears, and adopting a lot more self love (fake it till ya make it), it will dispel 1a as it is inherently false in todays context. If 1 is resolved, 1a is disarmed, and 2a -> 2 no longer exist.

Bloody worth a shot aye! Imagine if you will, living day to day and enjoying it without all the hurt and worry and self deprecation etc etc. Imagine, being happy in your own skin. It is entirely possible, but it won't be easy facing your demons, but really, what choice do you have.
 
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