Choosing Poly but...

FreshmanF

New member
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years. We've split up twice because he wanted more than what I could give him. Most recently we were separated all summer.

During our separation, I suggested we open the relationship and date others. He seemed OK with it for a while. So I spent the summer getting to know myself again and learning what I want in a relationship.

Now that we are back together he is talking about marriage and wanting it to be just us. But then on the other hand he tells me about stuff he liked with the women he dated over the summer.. And it's things once again, that I cannot give him.

I want to suggest polyamory with him but I'm not sure how to do so without hurting his feelings. I was with a woman over the summer for the first time. So I really only want to pursue relationships with women. He wanted the freedom to talk to other women and go on dates without hurting me or making me sad. There are other reasons as well.

Any suggestions on how to talk to him?
 
I mean this kindly ok? :eek:

This doesn't look like a match for marriage. He wants things you cannot give him and you want to only date women.

Why bother getting back together with him then? Stay separated and move on to date the women you want to date. And he too is free how he wants to date.

I think you could be up front and honest with him. That you don't want to marry him, cannot give him those things, and you want to date women only right now.

As well as being honest with yourself. If you keep breaking up and getting back together... maybe this just isn't the romantic partner for you. And you two may be best off being good exes and friends instead of trying to square peg/round hole.

Galagirl
 
I suggest just talking to him. Make it non-confrontational.

I see his behavior as a rollercoaster. Up and down. He's happy with you for awhile, then needs to seek out whatever it is he can't get from you. He gets what he wants and is recharged and comes back to you now that he is sated at the moment. Eventually he'll want what he wants and it's back down.

Logically, some form of non-monogamy is the answer here. However, even people geared to that are tripped up by their monogamous conditioning.
 
I don't know where @GalaGirl is getting the idea that the OP ONLY wants to be with women. If that was the case, I'm sure that she wouldn't have gotten back with her on-again/off-again boyfriend. It's purely speculation, but I believe that the OP is bisexual.

I'm also curious of the OP's statement "cannot give him". What do you mean "cannot"? Is he wanting a third breast, or for you to penetrate him with a live penis? I think it would be a good idea to reflect on how you look at your own preferences and "must haves" and "will not do"s.

For me, "cannot" and "will not" are specifically different things. "Cannot" is the physically impossible (like if my wife wanted to sample the pleasures of performing oral sex on a vagina... I "cannot" provide that, as I come equipped with a penis.), whereas "will not" is things that I am capable of or equipped for doing, but are not things that I will ever willingly allow/do (again, and example using my wife and I: if my wife wanted to strap on a dildo and see what it's like to fuck someone, she "will not" be doing that with me, even though I have an anus and could be penetrated that way. I would have no aversion to her doing that with someone that was into it though, nor would I be opposed to her doing it with a woman that has a vagina for her to penetrate).

As far as poly is concerned, first you two need to be comfortable and "good" in your relationship with each other, THEN if you both want, you could consider opening it up. Maybe even getting lucky and finding one of those rare and almost impossible to find, unicorns (a female that's bisexual AND wants a physical relationship with both people, creating a FFM triad).

Poly won't fix existing relationship problems... it will magnify/multiply them.
 
"Cannot" can also be the mentally impossible.

I did begin the paragraph with "For me..."

For me the "mentally impossible" is in the category of "will not"... because it's a choice, whether it's a conscious one or not.

ETA: when it's whether or not to do a physical act... not when it's whether or not to be attracted to a specific gender or type. For example, as a straight male, I cannot be attracted to males, I'm just not wired that way. Because of that, I will not allow males to have anal sex with me. I could (physically, even without being attracted)... but I won't. That's why "will not" applies to the mentally impossible of choice to do/allow
 
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In Response...

Yes I do consider myself bisexual. However, if we do decide our relationship can handle being poly then I will choose to only be with females besides him.

Marriage is not a thing I wanted any time soon anyways.

When I say there are things I cannot give him.. its not really physically because he's not super demanding sexually. I guess I worded that wrong. I'm not really sure how to word it. I do agree with the roller coaster comment though. I can absolutely see where you are coming from with that.

After spending the summer learning to love myself again, I just realize that I want more out of a relationship. I realized that I love having a certain amount of freedom but yet I love our blended family and its an environment that I dont want to remove myself or my child from.
 
If the two of you can't speak -- openly, readily, & often -- about your feelings, then it's probably not polyamory, QED.

To me, sounds more like the typical "open relationship," more like one dyad in a larger network of relationships.

You kinda make it sound like you're keeping him around out of habit, rather than any particular love or friendship or sexual desire. That seems to say that marriage is a REALLY poor idea, & to me suggests he's trying to rope you in rather than make for a strong partnership. Table the topic; if he keeps bringing it up, table the relationship -- you'll both be MUCH happier.
 
Neither of us are talking about marriage right now. I only mentioned it bc someone else who responded said something about it.

I don't know how to talk to him about the subject of becoming poly or even having an open relationship.
 
Hello FreshmanF,

I think the thing to do is to make it short and simple, e.g., "Honey, I want us to be nonmonogamous." After that you just need to be ready to answer his questions and address his concerns.

It sounds like this is something you have given considerable thought to. It is okay to want this, and to state that you want it.

With sincere regards,
Kevin T.
 
:)
I don't know how to talk to him about the subject of becoming poly or even having an open relationship.

We need a sticky thread here in response to this frequent question. So much wise and wonderful advice has been shared over the years about this and we are asked about it at least once a day. Emm???? :)
 
I don't know how to talk to him about the subject of becoming poly or even having an open relationship.
Ask him to talk, at a time you are both ok (ie. not stressed at work, hungry and tired...), or set aside a suitable time for a talk. Then tell him what you want.

"I spent the summer getting to know myself again and learning what I want in a relationship. I was with a woman for the first time, and it was an experience I would like to explore further. I also hear you telling me about stuff you liked with other women over the summer, and it is stuff I'm not comfortable giving to you. I think some form of non-monogamy/polyamory/open relationship might be suitable for us. Would you be willing to do some research, thinking and talking about this topic with me, to see if we can agree on a relationship form that suits us both?"

Then let him express, or give him a few days to think about it all. Do your research. You can start by exploring the richness of a chart like this, also this is my favorite thought-provoking article, and if polyamory is your cup of tea, there is always more than two.

He may say "no, I'm definitely monogamous", in which case you will have to decide if you two still want to stay together, but given your ... is it sexual mismatch? ... it seems he might be inclined.
 
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Too many threads with posters giving their supporting characters' names (or even gender) & it makes my head muzzy. :eek: For the sake of discussion, I'm going to name your buddy Sean.

I got the impression that of your "five years together," it wasn't five continuous years.

As well, the word "together" is generally very vague in the world. There was a time in my life when my friend Tara moved in. She's also poly, but our friendship went wild, & we were almost inseparable for three or four months. At the same time, I also spent a couple days a month with Kim, as I'd been doing for four years; it was heavily sexual, but we also went out to fancy restaurants, movies, & parties.

QUESTION: at that time in my life, was I more "together" with Tara or with Kim?

By that little tale, I'm suggesting that maybe the only reason you could be said to be "together" with Sean is because he happens to be hanging around closer than anyone else. That's not a significant positive (much less "enthusiastic YES"). Maybe you can step back, examine your feelings, & bring him properly & completely into your life & your heart

...or not, in which case you ought to consider whether the position needs to be filled properly -- if so, how?

If the status quo is fine with you, then define & maintain the status quo; if change would be better, then begin the changes.
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I was going to gripe about people advising you to inflict a "kinder, gentler poly-bombing" on Sean, until I remembered that you had already brought up the "open relating" part over the summer.

That makes me curious: what do you mean by "summer" here? Did each of you go out & have a week-long fling? Did you maybe go all self-indulgent from April through October?

In any case, there's LOT of wishy-washy between the two of you. He's already told you that he wants you to "do stuff" like other girls, AND he wants to be possibly intimate with others. Meanwhile, you aren't enthusiastic about that "stuff," AND you want to date women (probably looking for The One)... but you're concerned about hurting his feelings... or is it about protecting him from worrying about hurting YOUR feelings?? :confused:

First: start talking -- NOW. Second, clear out the wishy-washy. THEN you'll be ready for advice.
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Inconsistencies --
Neither of us are talking about marriage right now. I only mentioned it bc someone else who responded said something about it.

Your first post:
Now that we are back together he is talking about marriage and wanting it to be just us.

Please clarify.
 
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