River
Active member
I'd like some input about a challenge I'm facing in relationships, generally. I think the themes and topics I have in mind to discuss are relevant to all kinds of relationships, so the thread does not seem to be an intrusion of non-poly stuff into a poly forum. Besides, I respect the intelligence of people here. So here goes.
Many months ago I was taking a city walk with a friend, talking. We walked along the river.... She was a new friend (platonic), but there was much friend-warmth and friend-affection between us. I was going through a severe challenge in a relationship with a friend and work collaborator, and was sharing with her (Let's call her "Tammy" - not her actual name) about the great emotional challenge it was for me to have a "friend" (Let's call him "Sam") mistreat me in various ways, especially when that friend was a work collaborator as well. So I was pretty expressive with Tammy about the difficulty and pain I was experiencing in my relationship with Sam.
Professionally, Tammy is a psychotherapist, so I had good reason to believe Tammy is able to deal with folks who are in emotional distress -- but I did NOT foist the therapist role upon Tammy. I was speaking with her as a friend, not a client.
Tammy asked me questions about the difficulty I was having with Sam, and I answered her questions. Because speaking about the matter brought the pain of it all very much to the surface, I became very expressive about my hurt feelings and the pain of not knowing how to handle the situation with Sam. I was a bit worked up emotionally, so I was less than fully sensitive to
Tammy in that I somewhat dominate the conversation that day. But I do not recall ever having been flagrantly, terribly awful with her. I was just having a bad day and wasn't at my best in terms of sharing conversational space. It was a lot about me and my challenge and pain on that walk. (I would have let it be all about her were she in distress.)
After that walk I did not see or hear from Tammy for a long time, and Tammy stopped coming to the meditation group I'm a part of.
So I wrote her an email saying how Kevin & I have been missing her. At which point she lets me know that there was something about which she needed to "clear the air". Eventually, I learned that it was something about that day. Basically, she had been avoiding me. So I asked her to meet me for tea and conversation about it. She agreed, but when I asked her to offer possible days and times for our tea / meeting she never got back with me.
When we talked again (by email) she said something about having Kevin present when we met for tea. Curious, I asked if whatever it was that she wasn't saying somehow involved Kevin.
Yesterday I bumped into Tammy at the grocery store and took the opportunity to ask if she had seen my email in which I asked her to set a tea date with me. We conversed a little ... and she let it be known that she did not feel "safe" with me, which is why she wanted Kevin to attend our tea get-together. I found this very, very surprising -- and it also felt weirdly like an accusation (but of what? What had I done?). Surely I had done nothing to cause her to feel unsafe! I was expressive about my difficulty with Sam; I did not hide my upset about that; I was a little rude in that I didn't do a good job of sharing conversational space that day ... but "unsafe"?!?!
When I talked with Tammy, briefly, at the grocery store she said I had told her to "shut up" that day by the river. This is certainly not true, and far out of character for me. I'd certainly never done that with her, and she'd be among the last people I'd ever say such words to. It is possible that I may have asked her -- much more gently than "shut up" -- to be allowed to finish a story or a sentence. I will do that with people sometimes. But I was not upset with HER, and am sure I did not raise my voice or use an aggressive tone of voice with her.
Again, I sent her an email -- yesterday -- saying how it felt for me to have her ignore my request to set a tea date and "clear the air" (her words)..., and how it felt for me to be accused of telling her to "shut up," when I know that never happened. I let her know that it didn't seem to me that I had done anything to deserve banishment. And I expressed willingness to meet with her with Kevin (my partner) present.
Today I received an email from her in which she said she would prefer that I never seek to communicate with her again, that she wants me to simply leave her alone and go away.
I never would have expected any of this, and am totally caught off guard by it.
Tammy had always previously been very warm and affectionate, tender and close with me, so I find it very strange that she would abandon a friendship without so much as being willing to discuss any of the reasons for doing so.
I can simply let it go. I have lots of friends; no lack there. But the whole thing has got me wondering about certain questions. Clearly Tammy was "triggered" by something with me. It seems to be the case that when folks are triggered (to use the colloquialism) they will sometimes have somewhat dramatically distorted perceptions about an event or situation, and mis-perceive a person's character, attitude or intentions.
I work with and know a lot of people, and my/our work is often very interpersonally intimate. So on occasion I find myself in a situation not unlike that one I described with Tammy. It's not a high percentage of the people I know and relate with, so it can't be entirely about me. But I'm aware and sensitive enough, and self-reflective enough, to keep the question alive "How do I contribute to these situations?" ... "What is my part in it?"
I ended my friendship with Sam some while back, as I no longer wished to be the recipient of some very distorted images he was projecting upon me ..., his inability to see and recognize who I really am and what my actual motivations are. He was very accusatory, critical, demanding, controlling and manipulative toward me (and I now see that that's just how Sam is with pretty much anyone and everyone)--well, especially the manipulative part. It was very painful and difficult for me to get to the place where I refused to try Sam's distorted images of me on in my own mirror, to see if I may in fact be as he saw me. I wasn't. I'm not. And knowing this allowed me to move on and leave our friendship and our collaboration behind.
Now I seem to be going through something similar with Tammy. She seems to think I'm some sort of monster who is "unsafe".
In total, I've experienced having something which resonates with this same theme with four different people over the last, say, fifteen months. In every case, the person has seen me as some sort of evil thing or monster which cannot be trusted or liked. (For context, my work and personal/social life is such that I know and interact with about, at least, 200 different people with some regularity.)
The overwhelming majority of people certainly don't see me as unworthy of trust, connection, affection.... So it can't be ALL about me. But I must say I find it very unsettling to have had four people come to see me as some sort of devil or monster and then abandon our friendship without even being willing to discuss anything or work on it. Only three of those four people are former friends, with the fourth being a mere acquaintance who attended an event I was at.
I'm weary of the distortions of perception ... all of them ... my own with myself. Others with me. All of it.
I long to be seen as the actual person I am -- especially by those who are close to me. And, yes, I know none (or few) of us see ourselves undistortedly. So I try to remain open to the possibility that I'm more like the monster people sometimes project upon me than I think I am. Yet that very openness to possibility caused me great pain and grief with Sam, who I now know for sure was living in a carnivalesque house of distorting mirrors -- like the ones which make skinny men appear fat and fat women appear skinny.
The point is that even entertaining the possibility of another's distorted perception of one's self can do one harm -- as it did with me over months with my former friend, Sam.
I almost want to end with a question here, but I'm not sure how to state it. I'm just weary of this pattern, and worry I let people get under my skin too much. I just don't like playing Monster for people. I am merely human, not the Devil.
Many months ago I was taking a city walk with a friend, talking. We walked along the river.... She was a new friend (platonic), but there was much friend-warmth and friend-affection between us. I was going through a severe challenge in a relationship with a friend and work collaborator, and was sharing with her (Let's call her "Tammy" - not her actual name) about the great emotional challenge it was for me to have a "friend" (Let's call him "Sam") mistreat me in various ways, especially when that friend was a work collaborator as well. So I was pretty expressive with Tammy about the difficulty and pain I was experiencing in my relationship with Sam.
Professionally, Tammy is a psychotherapist, so I had good reason to believe Tammy is able to deal with folks who are in emotional distress -- but I did NOT foist the therapist role upon Tammy. I was speaking with her as a friend, not a client.
Tammy asked me questions about the difficulty I was having with Sam, and I answered her questions. Because speaking about the matter brought the pain of it all very much to the surface, I became very expressive about my hurt feelings and the pain of not knowing how to handle the situation with Sam. I was a bit worked up emotionally, so I was less than fully sensitive to
Tammy in that I somewhat dominate the conversation that day. But I do not recall ever having been flagrantly, terribly awful with her. I was just having a bad day and wasn't at my best in terms of sharing conversational space. It was a lot about me and my challenge and pain on that walk. (I would have let it be all about her were she in distress.)
After that walk I did not see or hear from Tammy for a long time, and Tammy stopped coming to the meditation group I'm a part of.
So I wrote her an email saying how Kevin & I have been missing her. At which point she lets me know that there was something about which she needed to "clear the air". Eventually, I learned that it was something about that day. Basically, she had been avoiding me. So I asked her to meet me for tea and conversation about it. She agreed, but when I asked her to offer possible days and times for our tea / meeting she never got back with me.
When we talked again (by email) she said something about having Kevin present when we met for tea. Curious, I asked if whatever it was that she wasn't saying somehow involved Kevin.
Yesterday I bumped into Tammy at the grocery store and took the opportunity to ask if she had seen my email in which I asked her to set a tea date with me. We conversed a little ... and she let it be known that she did not feel "safe" with me, which is why she wanted Kevin to attend our tea get-together. I found this very, very surprising -- and it also felt weirdly like an accusation (but of what? What had I done?). Surely I had done nothing to cause her to feel unsafe! I was expressive about my difficulty with Sam; I did not hide my upset about that; I was a little rude in that I didn't do a good job of sharing conversational space that day ... but "unsafe"?!?!
When I talked with Tammy, briefly, at the grocery store she said I had told her to "shut up" that day by the river. This is certainly not true, and far out of character for me. I'd certainly never done that with her, and she'd be among the last people I'd ever say such words to. It is possible that I may have asked her -- much more gently than "shut up" -- to be allowed to finish a story or a sentence. I will do that with people sometimes. But I was not upset with HER, and am sure I did not raise my voice or use an aggressive tone of voice with her.
Again, I sent her an email -- yesterday -- saying how it felt for me to have her ignore my request to set a tea date and "clear the air" (her words)..., and how it felt for me to be accused of telling her to "shut up," when I know that never happened. I let her know that it didn't seem to me that I had done anything to deserve banishment. And I expressed willingness to meet with her with Kevin (my partner) present.
Today I received an email from her in which she said she would prefer that I never seek to communicate with her again, that she wants me to simply leave her alone and go away.
I never would have expected any of this, and am totally caught off guard by it.
Tammy had always previously been very warm and affectionate, tender and close with me, so I find it very strange that she would abandon a friendship without so much as being willing to discuss any of the reasons for doing so.
I can simply let it go. I have lots of friends; no lack there. But the whole thing has got me wondering about certain questions. Clearly Tammy was "triggered" by something with me. It seems to be the case that when folks are triggered (to use the colloquialism) they will sometimes have somewhat dramatically distorted perceptions about an event or situation, and mis-perceive a person's character, attitude or intentions.
I work with and know a lot of people, and my/our work is often very interpersonally intimate. So on occasion I find myself in a situation not unlike that one I described with Tammy. It's not a high percentage of the people I know and relate with, so it can't be entirely about me. But I'm aware and sensitive enough, and self-reflective enough, to keep the question alive "How do I contribute to these situations?" ... "What is my part in it?"
I ended my friendship with Sam some while back, as I no longer wished to be the recipient of some very distorted images he was projecting upon me ..., his inability to see and recognize who I really am and what my actual motivations are. He was very accusatory, critical, demanding, controlling and manipulative toward me (and I now see that that's just how Sam is with pretty much anyone and everyone)--well, especially the manipulative part. It was very painful and difficult for me to get to the place where I refused to try Sam's distorted images of me on in my own mirror, to see if I may in fact be as he saw me. I wasn't. I'm not. And knowing this allowed me to move on and leave our friendship and our collaboration behind.
Now I seem to be going through something similar with Tammy. She seems to think I'm some sort of monster who is "unsafe".
In total, I've experienced having something which resonates with this same theme with four different people over the last, say, fifteen months. In every case, the person has seen me as some sort of evil thing or monster which cannot be trusted or liked. (For context, my work and personal/social life is such that I know and interact with about, at least, 200 different people with some regularity.)
The overwhelming majority of people certainly don't see me as unworthy of trust, connection, affection.... So it can't be ALL about me. But I must say I find it very unsettling to have had four people come to see me as some sort of devil or monster and then abandon our friendship without even being willing to discuss anything or work on it. Only three of those four people are former friends, with the fourth being a mere acquaintance who attended an event I was at.
I'm weary of the distortions of perception ... all of them ... my own with myself. Others with me. All of it.
I long to be seen as the actual person I am -- especially by those who are close to me. And, yes, I know none (or few) of us see ourselves undistortedly. So I try to remain open to the possibility that I'm more like the monster people sometimes project upon me than I think I am. Yet that very openness to possibility caused me great pain and grief with Sam, who I now know for sure was living in a carnivalesque house of distorting mirrors -- like the ones which make skinny men appear fat and fat women appear skinny.
The point is that even entertaining the possibility of another's distorted perception of one's self can do one harm -- as it did with me over months with my former friend, Sam.
I almost want to end with a question here, but I'm not sure how to state it. I'm just weary of this pattern, and worry I let people get under my skin too much. I just don't like playing Monster for people. I am merely human, not the Devil.