On being disabled, sexuality, and becoming poly.

Update

I haven't written much. I was a little turned off by the site after I got the private message from the "Custodian" making all kinds of weird assumptions.

I don't have a "loveless" marriage, That's for sure. I do at this point have a sexless marriage!

I went back on Cupid and I met a few guys I'm interested in. Most of them are poly. I want to go out with some of these guys and built a friendship first. I find that most 'dating" in my case means that you are going to meet and see if you want to "fuck." It is also interesting not disclosing my disability on my profile. i have written a lot about not being treated like a "regular woman" because I'm disabled. For many men, they are just completély dismissive of me. It was been very enlightening to present myself as abled and see how hostile and disgusting men are to women.

I've come out of my depression for the most part. The things I wrote about before remain consistent but it is slowly changing.

1. My husband's Gf - When we started, we thought that is could be a somewhat equal relationship with three way giving and communication. The issue remains that this is not what she wants. She wants my husband entirely separate from his home life, not to be integrated into "our" or "his" life. OK, here is the thing I continue to wrestle with: He has Saturday night allotted to stay at her house. He works Mon, Wed, Thurs, night and all day Sunday. When he goes to her house he is often gone for 24 hours. Right or Wrong, with our house and child, this is just too much for me.

What I have learned? I blame this all on the two of them. I don't like her,. Am jealous of her freedom, bla bla BLA. BUT what I have learned is that the issue is ME. I have been trained my entire life to put the needs of others over myself. And I do this all the time. The Gf has very strong boundaries about what she will and won't do. She has never (to my knowledge) made any concessions for me and rarely does for my husband. It is up to ME to make my needs met. So, I decided to tell him that with his work schedule a fixed night a week won't work. I asked that the night be moved around to accommodate our schedule a little more. He agreed. I also asked him not to make me feel bad because she's being ignored and so on. I know this isn't poly ideal... but their relationship seems to function more like a friendship with sex...I don't know.

Is anyone in a similar situation where someone is at work all the time and then has set night. What are your responsibilities to a lover who wants to be totally on the side?
 
Lol

In the end, I sounded whiney here. I am interesting in dialoging about how people do things...but I need to be more unapologetic for getting my needs met. That is part of the issue. Can anyone give a link here to a similar situation.

It seems like many posts here have either intregated families, don't have kids, or are paramours. Does anyone have a situation with a lover who is not involved with the family and the primary couple has a kid (or kids)? How do you figure in the workload?
 
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It seems like many posts here have either intregated families, don't have kids, or are paramours. Does anyone have a situation with a lover who is not involved with the family and the primary couple has a kid (or kids)? How do you figure in the workload?

My lover is long distance, so it's not directly applicable, but our timeframes just mesh well. We talk during the day at work, and then later in the evening after spouse and kids are asleep. She generally only sees her local bf on the weekends, so I work into her schedule equally well.

I visit her about once ever 3 months for a few days, typically during the week so as both not to take away time from my family and also not to take away time from her bf.
 
Doctors, Disability and Poly

Today I went to the gynecologist. I decided, for lack of a better one and time issues, to go to a woman who i had been to 11 years ago. I saw her 11 years ago when I first became pregnant. At that time, when she met me she told mer condescendingly "you seem to have a grasp of what's going on for your situation" ...my 'situation meaning cerebral palsy. I quickly changed Ob_gyns and went with someone else who was not much better. Actually, she had to send me to another doctor (male) to get a sonogram. He was highly respectful and loving and I actually asked him to deliver my baby and told him how his colleague had offended me...he told me that he couldn't treat me because it would be like taking one of her patients. She found out what I had disclosed to him and when my son was about 2, somewhat apologized.

Today (ten years later) I let bi-gones be bygones and thought we would have a good laugh about it. When I first walked in, I guess she didn't remember me because the first thing she said was "What is your syndrome?" I told her cerebral palsy. She asked me if I were there for a pap-smear and I said, well, I had had one recently and I wanted to check for STDs. She briskly said, go take off your panties. She started asking me about my "syndrome" and how I got it. I told her it was a neurological condition caused from the umbilical cord being wrapped around my neck. Then she asked me if I had gone to school, and if I had finished high school! I told her that I had two masters and was a professor. She looked flabbergasted and said "good for you!" Then, I asked her to check for STDs. Instead of doing that, she said, well how long have you been with your husband? I said "13 years." But before she could say" well then don't worry" I lied and said "We broke up." Then, She said "Well, are you sexually active? " I said, "yes." She said "WITH WHO??" I didn't know what the hell to say...then I mumbled, "I have many lovers" All she said was "Do you use a condom?" I said, "always. I have a friend who died of AIDS." She dismissed the AIDS comment. I just said, did you see anything? She said "No." Then as I was leaving she goes "I'm really proud of you!" I was like ummmm, ok.
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I'm a single mum. My ex and our wider families help with childcare to ensure we both parent or child but also have a love life and social life too. This helps so we aren't tempted to integrate people into his life too soon just because we've got lonely and desperate and lower our standards.
 
Is anyone in a similar situation where someone is at work all the time and then has set night. What are your responsibilities to a lover who wants to be totally on the side?

LoL I have a bit of both, but in two partners. Fortunately, I'm independent and it doesn't bother me. I also don't have kids, so that's a huge difference in terms of responsibility. Grown-ups can take care of their own needs, but kids need their parents to be present and responsible.

Gralson works out of town a lot. It's challenging for sure. So when he's off work, I earmark those days for spending time with him, and I tell Auto that I won't be available.

Auto and Zoffee have Friday night Date night. That used to be the day that all the kids when to their other dad's house, but that's changed since his work days changed. Auto works a lot too, and she has lots of extracurricular activities that keep her busy, but we don't live together or co-parent, so it's not the same at all.

In the end, I sounded whiney here. I am interesting in dialoging about how people do things...but I need to be more unapologetic for getting my needs met. That is part of the issue. Can anyone give a link here to a similar situation.

Not a similar situation, but on the topic of getting one's needs met without guilt or shame... look up Nonviolent Communication. It's a way of looking at life in terms of feelings and needs, such that you try and accommodate everyone's needs, foremost your own. Amazon links: this and this

You're 100% correct that you need to learn to take care of your needs without any feelings of guilt or shame. I'm trying to teach Gralson the same thing. His mother was emotionally manipulative, and would make him feel guilty if he didn't do what she wanted. He would oscillate between being her slave and then skipping town all together and ignoring her phone calls. To say it was dysfunctional is a huge understatement. As nice as it might sound to be married to someone who'll do anything for you, regardless of whether they really want to, the reality is that you always pay for it. Any favour done for any reason other than you want to, will always leave you feeling resentful, and then you'll resent the person who asked you to do it. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to yourself.
 
Thank you SC and London for posting.

I realize after therapy this week, that my reactions have a lot to do with my childhood. I was basically abandoned at age 12 to take care of my 4 brothers and sisters. I was trained early on to ALWAYS put the needs of others first.

This was made more profound by being raised Catholic and Buddhist- two deciplines in which you are encouraged to practice compassion and give to people who have less.

It's funny, on the internet, I come off as a prickly pear. People here have accused me of being judgmental and uncaring and all kinds of shit. People are also very resistant against my vision of disability (as a mere difference, not a tragedy and in fact something that can be embraced). But in real life, I'm always the person to dwell on how to make things fair for everyone, give my last dollar away, and be the "matyr,." Now, I am in an intense learning curve because I need to learn not to take on the problems of others or put others above myself. This goes against the mythology in my own mind of being a "good" person. But, often I get taken advantage of.
 
American Horror Story

I've been watching the dumbest show ever, American Horror Story: but what is interesting is one of the scenes in the last ep. season two where they expose the mental hospital conditions is stolen (nearly word for word) from Rivera;s expose of Willowbrook. Of course, it's not credited. To do that would be to acknowledge Willowbrook happened, which I have heard very few (if any acknowledge). Staten Island just built a college there- I don't even think there is a marker. It's was truly like a holocaust for disabled people and has yet to be acknowledged. Someone should make a movie. Maybe Leonardo Caprio can play a person with cerebral palsy!
 
Sometimes i just feel like screaming. I just got off the phone with husband. We had plans as a family tomorrow (rare ones and it's a holiday). He "forgot" and scheduled a work session. The bind is we need to mooney...so work should be important, but again and again - this "forgetting" whenever I make plans for us! I don't know (sometimes) if this relationship is for me. I love him so much, but I just don't feel acknowledged.

Meanwhile, I was supposed to have a hot date this weekend, Turns out, he starts being unclear about the marital situation...hmmmm. So, that was out. Gee "dating" sucks. But I'm glad to have the experience of it all.

I read some of the posts on autism and they were helpful.
 
I've been watching the dumbest show ever, American Horror Story: but what is interesting is one of the scenes in the last ep. season two where they expose the mental hospital conditions is stolen (nearly word for word) from Rivera;s expose of Willowbrook. Of course, it's not credited. To do that would be to acknowledge Willowbrook happened, which I have heard very few (if any acknowledge). Staten Island just built a college there- I don't even think there is a marker. It's was truly like a holocaust for disabled people and has yet to be acknowledged. Someone should make a movie. Maybe Leonardo Caprio can play a person with cerebral palsy!

Willowbrook is the most famous of mental hospital cases, save for perhaps London's. It led to federal legislation and endless press on the matter. Whether or not a fictional show should inject reality by attributing what were formerly common conditions in 'hospitals' for the mentally 'ill', to a single place, is probably something most wouldn't do. IMO, Willowbrook was one of many, many hospitals of monstrous acts here in the US - but the first one to get substantial press. Anyway, the one in the show I believe was some sort of private, Catholic-run facility. And I strongly doubt Willowbrook had a Nazi doctor performing experiments, a demon possessed lead nun - or a pack of aliens abducting people. So, some differences. :)

On DiCaprio, I read you were offended over the Wolf of Wall Street. I saw the scene you were upset about and felt it depicted barbiturate poisoning rather accurately (aside from ignoring the more serious side effects). Having experienced it myself in the distant past (and dealing with others being affected), I have some basis for opinion on that topic. :)
 
Thanks Monkey

MonkeyStyle,

Thanks for you comment. I actually thought it was cool that American Horror Story used the Geraldo expose (pretty much quoting it). I am deeply involved in archiving - what bothered me was not giving credit to it.

What also bothers me is the lack of education about the disabilities rights movement. Everyone is taught about the Holocaust, Slavery, Segregation, and Stonewall. I would just like things like Willowbrook and heroes like Ed Roberts, the independent living movement and so on to be in public consciousness.
And part of our education system.

You mention that there was probably not a Nazi doctor at Willowbrook - but did you know that there were Nazi-like studies? They were injecting patients with hepitas to do experiments on them. It is also well-documented that the Eugnenics movement actually BEGAN in the US. It began with the force sterilization of people with disabilities, and was propagated be Margreat Sanger --also the pro-choice community and disabled community are at odds because people use abortion as method of filtering out children with disabilities - although this is a complex issue, I have yet to meet a pro-choice person who will even discuss the topic.

I, myself, am more or less pro-choice, but I believe that we should change the negative perception of PWD so that abortion to someone with a mild disability say a "hair lip" or extra finger won't be aborted.

As far as Wall Street - I'm sure yu also know that DiCaprio DID look like someone with CP. Fristly, my response was EMOTIONAL. I saw someone on screen mocking my movement while 400 people laughed. This made me want to die,. To disappear. It made me feel ugly and worthless. Emotional is not logic, nor something you can dismiss.

From an intellectual standpoint, I can sAY that the film was full or ableism and sexism. It's interesting to me that the culture is still so sexist and ableist that these things can go unchecked. I don't really care if it's "a true portrait." How about there be discussions about how these guys were realy ableist? Sexist?

The film, overall, is discusting because it's bringing more press to a person who really fucked over a lot of people. As a consequence, this jerk makes MORE money...WTF...
 
He "forgot" and scheduled a work session. The bind is we need to mooney...so work should be important, but again and again - this "forgetting" whenever I make plans for us!

Curious that you put "forget" in quotation marks. Do you suspect that he's actually remembering but just not caring, or that he actually forgets?

Gralson is extremely forgetful when it comes to organizational type things, including dates and things like that. Actually, so am I. We're completely reliant on technology to remind us when we have to be somewhere, and we're both in the habit of checking our calendars before agreeing to things because we usually have no clue if we're busy that day or not. Sometimes he'll be thinking about something like a meeting all day the day before, and then completely forget to go.

It used to frustrate me when he would continually put the ketchup back on the wrong shelf, for example. But then I realized it's not that he doesn't care, he just legitimately can't remember. Being forgetful about other things myself, I can hardly hold that against him. Now I just quietly move the ketchup (etc) back to its proper place and go about my day.

If we have important plans, I remind him over and over. It's probably annoying, but he understands. And there have been times where he's double-booked, and I've asked him to cancel the second plans, just telling them he forgot he already had plans.
 
I am pro choice and will absolutely discuss that issue. I think many members here will. Maybe start a thread in fireplace.
 
London, You should start that thread! I don't want to be the only one discussing disability - and you have a disability also. I'll be happy to participate.
 
Ok, but you get stats.. I don't think many babies who just have a cleft palette are terminated.. these babies have a .higher chance of additional abnormalities, like heart defects.
 
Reading Group

Last night I went to me first meeting of a disability reading group.

In the past week, I've been involved in a discussion here on disability and abortion. At the group we were reading a book on Queerness, Feminism, and Cripness. Just an overview, to describe the people. I have mild CP. There was another woman with CP who used a wheelchair. Three abled folks (or with hidden disabilities) although one was raised in a Deaf Household. Two other women who used chairs, one without use of her hands from a birth "defect" ; a small person and some others. All, except one person who was very well-read, were academics or in graduate school.

It felt so good to finally be around people who have been through what I have been through. People in general (abled) tend to popo my experiences..or make excuses for why prejudice happens. I just want to share these stories. One woman spoke about quitting social work school due to ERICK ERICSON :). While studying, it always bothered her that Erikson's stages of development where so limited and dismissive of disability. She later found out that Erikson had a child with Downs. He put this child in an institution. The wife told the other children their son had died at birth and they pretended he didn't exist. This women changed to disability studies, but described entering the disability studies program and the DS LOUNGE not being assessbile.

Another person (who is now a famous artist) described her experience going to art school as an undergrad. Through he work she was accepted to a number of programs. The minute they found out she was disabled, they recantered their invitation. One gave the excuse of non-accessible dorms: the other of CURB CUTS. She is not a very old person --this only happened 10-15 years ago. We spoke about how you 'can" sue someone, but at 19 years old, who has the mind, persistence, and money to do that. The majority of ADA cases (70 percent ?) fail anyway. The ADA is in many ways a bullshit token law. Another woman was turned down from Fordam (excuse, non-accessibility). So many stories.
 
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Why are you judging people on how they decided to handle having a disabled child? I thought you said you don't judge individuals and try to decide what they can and can't cope with?
 
Londn

I feel like you are aggressively pestering me.

WHERE DID I SAY THAT? PLEASE BE SPECIFIC. OR LEAVE ME ALONE. O wait, I see it, YES! I think PUTTING YOUR CHILD IN AN INSTITUTION AND TELLING HIS SIBLINGS HE'S DEAD AND ABANDONING HIM IS SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP! You don't? Do you believe in abandoning children? OR JUST DISABLED CHILDREN. THERE IS HUGED DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PUTTING A CHILD IN A SCHOOL OR OTHER CARE AND ABADONING IT. I SUPPOSE YOU BELIEVE IN ABADONING ABLE-CHILDREN TOO...

I'm not really mad at you london. You have said you have an impairment. I feel like it is your job to try to work with this impairment and learn how to communicate with people effectively. Even on the internet. Even strangers. I could block you, and I might eventually, but I like talking to you.

Honestly, why I argue is the arguments you give are ones that have systematically been given all my life. Let's break this down: in the other thread, people more or less pretended ableism didn't exist. Then, I get a post from this MONKEY person totally ignoring my visceral reaction to Wolf of Wall Street. Then, when I write about highly intelligent crips experience disability someone writes in and DEFENDS A MAJOR CHILD PHYCOLOGIST ABANDONING HIS CHILD. What the fuck is wrong with people? Sometimes I feel like a black person getting blasted with a hose again and again.
 
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I might think that a system that fails to support these parents so much that institutionalization is a norm is fucked up. I don't think the parents who are failed are fucked up. That's why I'm interested in practical solutions and not condemnation.
 
Neither one of you seems capable of realizing that you're not going to change the other's mind. Quit banging your heads against the wall. The wall will never yield, and it does't care if you crack your skulls trying.

Especially you, bofish. You know what she's like and that she won't let go, nor is she capable of changing her mind about anything. Whether or not you think it's her job to work on the impairment, it's not your job to force her. Resist the urge to engage. I know how hard it is. Trust me, I know.

The truth is, there is no truth. You're discussing the most controversial topic on the face of the earth. There's no objective right or wrong here, there's just what works best for the people who have to make these choices for themselves. You can think it's disgusting, you can think their reasons are selfish and superficial, but they're their reasons and it's their choice, not yours.
 
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