Wandering in to say hello

Delmar

New member
Hey gang,
Delmar here. New to the site but have dabbled in the poly world. My husband and I have been together for 26 years. As s committed gay couple, we didn't open our relationship for the first 15 years. Then we started into some group scenes. Over 5 years ago, we met someone who became our boyfriend.
That's proven to be complicated at times and at others rewarding. The arrangement worked well at first, when our elderly parents were sick and dying, when my husband underwent a prostatectomy and later treatments, it was helpful to share the ups and downs. But the drawbacks and frayed edges began to show, and our boyfriend had a meltdown. So we are back to monogamish behavior, play dates with others but no regular. We're working hard to maintain a friendship with our former beau. There is still some longing on all our parts (the sex and affection were great for us all). Now we're maneuvering a new world.

Full disclosure: I am a writer working on a series of novellas about a couple experimenting with polyamory. I originally came to this site for research. As the storylines are developing I will be branching into bisexual storylines and open polyamory. Coming out of the closet will be a big theme in later books. Of course the professional dovetails with great personal, and I'm really just here to get to know people. I want to honor the pioneers who will eventually help us all come out of the closet...in many circumstances.

Personally, I wonder if you can ever step back to monogamy once you've enjoyed a happy polyamorous relationship.

thanks for reading this far. I tend to be shy (that's why I write) but welcome learning from folks here.
 
Welcome. And thanks for not asking us to be guinea pigs as so many researchers do.

As for your question pertaining to your own circumstances, Can you step back to monogamy after enjoying a happy polyamorous relationship?

You assume a happy monogamous relationship is a closed triad? That is just ONE kind of poly relationship, and actually quite uncommon. Newbies to poly have the idea a closed triad is THE way to do poly. It isn't. It is difficult, it often reeks of monogamous privilege (with the original couple in a place of power over the unicorn). It is 3 V's stacked up together that need to stay in balance, not just "a" relationship.

So. In your case, you and your hubs lost your shared bf. Now you're monogamish, enjoying the occasional group sex? But you're not happily monogamish? You loved sharing a bf. Sure, you could be happy again. You were happy before you met the shared bf, I assume? But now, you're still grieving his loss, PLUS you're hoping to somehow win him back? I guess you won't be "happy" until the grieving process is complete, or your bf comes back, or if you're extremely poly and simply MUST have more than one lover each, you get a new bf to share.

Of course, life is hard. Who is ever happy always, constantly? No one.

You MIGHT be happier if you and hubs each get your own OSO. (Do you even recognize that as an option?) That way, if one of you loses his bf, the other one still has one, so both your lives aren't thrown out of wack simultaneously.

My gf (nesting partner) and I do not share lovers. So, right now, she has a partner of 5 years. I do not have a second partner presently and no awesome prospects in sight. I'm happy though. I don't NEED a bf or second gf or non-binary lover to be happy. A second lover, or OSO, enhances my life, but I have plenty of other things in life that make me "happy," or secure, or entertained, or sexually gratified (my gf, masturbation, porn, fantasies), or whatever.

My gf feels more fulfilled than she ever has, romantically, since we have a stable relationship, and she and her bf do as well (that took time, so it's been an effort). I have had periods where I had a bf or gf or 2 as well as my nesting partner, where I was in NRE, or past NRE and still feeling secure and sexually gratified, where I may have said I was "happier" than now, but then again, poly does make your life more complicated, so it might've been happier in some ways, but more tiring or more work in other ways.

It's a toss-up!
 
You assume a happy monogamous relationship is a closed triad? That is just ONE kind of poly relationship, and actually quite uncommon. Newbies to poly have the idea a closed triad is THE way to do poly. It isn't. It is difficult, it often reeks of monogamous privilege (with the original couple in a place of power over the unicorn). It is 3 V's stacked up together that need to stay in balance, not just "a" relationship.

In no way is a closed triad a monogamous relationship. Polyfidelity perhaps, but not monogamy.
 
Greetings Delmar,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have been on quite a journey to get where you are now. You have had a taste of polyamory, and are thirsty for more. As you move around our site and explore our various posts, threads, and boards, you'll get to know us, and we'll get to know you. That helps everyone, and as a plus, you'll get ideas for your novellas. I'm glad you're here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
In no way is a closed triad a monogamous relationship. Polyfidelity perhaps, but not monogamy.

I mistyped. Thanks for the correction. I meant closed triads are not the only way to do POLYAMORY.
 
A bit more info

A few pieces of information I didn't include: my husband's surgery and treatments have left him with chronic ED issues. The next coarse of treatment will effectively remove what remains of his libido. Also our BF had a significant drunken, psychotic episode that frighened us all. We have pulled away as much because of his alcohol problems as anything. Although the triad has had significant complications due to jealousy, it's also had tremendous moments of joy and shared love and mutual affection. And yes, we do have married privilege here. Sorry, but that is our choice in all poly matters and a condition of our marriage. Our BF knew this going into the relationship. I hope you're not judging our choices here just as I would refrain from judging yours. I am open to exploration and inquiry. That's why I'm here.
 
A few pieces of information I didn't include: my husband's surgery and treatments have left him with chronic ED issues. The next course of treatment will effectively remove what remains of his libido.

Also our BF had a significant drunken, psychotic episode that frightened us all. We have pulled away as much because of his alcohol problems as anything.

Although the triad has had significant complications due to jealousy, it's also had tremendous moments of joy and shared love and mutual affection.

And yes, we do have married privilege here. Sorry, but that is our choice in all poly matters, and a condition of our marriage. Our BF knew this going into the relationship. I hope you're not judging our choices here just as I would refrain from judging yours. I am open to exploration and inquiry. That's why I'm here.

We all judge! There is a difference between judging (*weighing information and evidence to make a decision, form an opinion or conclusion) and being judgmental. You can't get through life without judging. Being judgmental (*excessively critical) is a negative trait that I try to avoid.

I'm judged here all the time. It's all part of being on a board devoted to romantic/sexual relationship issues. Indeed, it's part of posting on the internet in general. I'd say that, to a great extent, this board is full of long time members who take time out of their busy days to offer advice to newbies, out of the goodness of their hearts. Please assume positive intent.

I am just sharing with you the general feeling in poly practices, about couple privilege, "sharing" a bf/gf, unicorn hunting, etc., that I have learned, from having been involved in polyamory since 1999. And I mean my advice from a place of kindness. I spend hours a week on this board, giving out information and support to other poly people, new members, and those that are more experienced (as well as seeking support myself).

I will just say, you might want to read up on unicorn hunting. It's entirely up to you. Take it or leave it if it doesn't resonate. Put it in your metaphorical back pocket to take it out later if you are still struggling and you think it might help.

If, as you say, you are set to "honor" the experiences of more experienced polyamorists here, be prepared to learn things you didn't expect, to get advice that may not be what you wish to hear. Sometimes the advice here can seem like "tough love." However, most of it comes from experiences we have had ourselves!

Also, if you are coming here partly to gather information in order to write a series of novels about poly, and queer relationships, "coming out" as gay/poly, etc., I'd love you to take in how most poly relationships actually succeed: as "Vs," not as closed triads. Also you will find information (from former "swingers" who made the transition to polyamory) the difference between sharing "sex only" threesomes or group sex with acquaintances, and the depth that is possible when emotions are "allowed."

I know gay men are much more likely to be able to have "sex only" relationships. This is statistically proven. But this is a board for polyAMORY. Multiple loves (or at least fondness that could lead to love). Sharing lives, not just sharing bodies.


I am very very sorry to read about your husband's health issues, and your ex lover's drunken psychotic episode. That sounds really hard. I wish you well as the situations develop. If your hubby completely loses his sex drive due to his medical issues, are you, in the secret depths of your heart, entertaining the idea of "playing" individually to get your sexual needs met? Is that idea scary to you? I can see how it would be. It's a huge transition.
 
Fair

Thanks for the response. I get it.

On your last point: can't imagine playing around without my husband. But, yes, things are very complicated.
 
Back
Top