When do you decide if it's love or NRE?

I don't distinguish between the two. That is, the energy is a byproduct of falling in love.
 
I interpret NRE as mostly the E part. Energy. It's the energy to stay up late talking and hanging out, having sex in the middle of the night, squeezing in moments here and there with a new person. Then it gets to the point where I say I just can't maintain that level of excitement/energy and I have to return to a normal sleep pattern, catch up on regular life etc.

NRE doesn't necessarily lead to love or an on-going relationship for me. So it can be NRE then a period of settling into something and then love/like/care might grow or it might end once the E has worn off. I can maintain NRE for maybe 3 months, probably less, it depends on how often I see the person, their communication style and their sleep pattern. I mostly seem to date those who stay up till 1-3 am and get up much later than I do, so I start to run out of E much sooner than maybe most. I actually have NRE right now and I am really enjoying it as my new person goes to bed earlier than me and gets up earlier, so we can NRE on the same schedule!
 
I really find it interesting how so many people here describe NRE differently! I would have thought that since it's supposedly brain chemistry, that everyone would experience it similarly.

Atlantis, that's an interesting thought. I know it's not all that similar to how I experience NRE and it really makes me curious! My husband and I still stay up far too late at night talking when we should be sleeping, and regret it the next day but it's tough to go to bed when we want to talk!

It's not how I am feeling about my budding 2 month relationship though. There, I have him on my mind constantly. I feel like I'm in a bubble of emotion when we're having sex. I constantly crave hearing from him and worry about how he's doing with things and if he's happy. It definitely has the anxiety/desperation that MsEmotional mentioned. Which sounds so unattractive but there it is! And when I'm feeling it, it is such a heady wonderful experience and not negative.

I'm just trying to parse my own feelings. I went back and read my journal and apparently I told my husband I was falling for him at 6 weeks, but we had some really intense D/s play in there and I literally could not think of anything else but him when we were together- the Domspace was that overwhelming after we had just played. I was high as a kite.

I'm also carrying some baggage from another previous relationship that ended at five months where my ex partner did all the loving gestures and our time together was amazing... and then he abruptly dumped me. So I'm feeling a bit skittish about sharing those words even if they're real and I feel like I'm more inclined to brush it off as NRE. But maybe it is? I don't know how to figure it out and I see that it's different for everyone?
 
I think we probably do all experience NRE differently due to different personalities, attachment styles, preferences etc, but I'm pretty sure the underlying brain chemistry is the same, we probably all have different levels of neurotransmitters/hormones to begin with (differently baseline) so maybe that's why there is a range of intensity and different timelines.

I feel like there has to be some kind of extended NRE even once you "calm down" and feel more comfortable with someone. But I'm not sure what to call it or how to explain it. I know for sure, my brain is still hyperreactive to anything with my BF, when I don't hear from him or haven't heard from him in a while, I'm pretty sure I go through withdrawal (dopamine, I think) and as soon as I hear from him I feel relief, and when we have a REALLY good conversation or he does something especially sweet, I get a huge rush and feel on top of the world. It has been a year for us, by the way! It's harder now because we live far apart, but even when we were still local to each other, I had these ups and downs. I am someone with a history of depression and anxiety, and I take medication - so I am sure my neurotransmitters are more out of sorts than others might be!!

In my experience, the initial NRE is the obsessiveness, wanting to talk all the time and spend every minute with them. There is still a vulnerability to be affected by things, but it's not as severe and not as constant, if that makes sense. BF and I still spent a lot of time together when we could, but we did stuff separately too, and he wasn't afraid to tell me when he needed alone time. It was like that with my husband too.
 
I'm quite sure NRE isn't "real." Since I've been practicing poly for 10 years, I've learned to be very mistrustful of NRE. I didn't experience it with my last 2 long(ish) term bfs. But I did experience it this summer with a certain guy I only had 2 dates with. There was just something about him checking so many of my "I love this attribute" boxes. I wasn't obsessive, I didn't want to stay up all night talking, I just really really wanted to get to spend more time with him. It was really weird! Out of character for me, seeing as I am in my 60s and have been through the mill with relationships for a long long long ass time.

Sadly this guy realized his other newish gf wasn't OK with him seeing me and he chose her over me, for various reasons. It was his first attempt at poly and he couldn't hack it. I was so crushed and even spent a day crying. Silly me! I am way too old for this. I talked myself out of it pretty quick, knowing it was ridiculous to have such a crush after only 2 dates. (And then after 2 months I was healed... and THEN he had a problem with his gf and texted me telling me they broke up, and did I want to get together?, and then he didn't talk for 3 days, and then he finally texted to say they got back together. Which was a REAL boner killer, and showed me my NRE for him wasn't an indicator of real compatibility at all. Obviously he is way too wishy washy, and a people pleaser, and I really don't like that in a person.)

It was definitely NRE, not "love." I agree love comes after much time spent together, overcoming relationship issues, supporting each other through life struggles, cooking together, sleeping together, shopping together, helping each other with projects, seeing how they interact with others you meet (waitstaff, their friends and family, your friends and family, even acquaintances).
 
FTR, I am really enjoying this thread.

Personally, I am not a fan of NRE...I don't like feeling like "not myself". It took me 18 months to tell MrS that I loved him, 9 months for Dude...BUT I still get moments of the "thrill" that I associate with NRE when one of them does/says something particularly endearing...
 
FTR, I am really enjoying this thread.

Personally, I am not a fan of NRE...I don't like feeling like "not myself". It took me 18 months to tell MrS that I loved him, 9 months for Dude...BUT I still get moments of the "thrill" that I associate with NRE when one of them does/says something particularly endearing...

I still get that with Pixie too, or just at random times. She does for me too. Just gets all "Squee! I love you!" We call it love attacks. But I coined a term for it, ERI, Established Relationship Intimacy. When you've been with a person for a year, or many years, been through good times and bad, and still find them amazing and exciting, as well as trustworthy and compatible in many ways. This kind of luck in love doesn't come around all that often in one's lifetime. We need to savor and appreciate it!
 
I still get that with Pixie too, or just at random times. She does for me too. Just gets all "Squee! I love you!" We call it love attacks. But I coined a term for it, ERI, Established Relationship Intimacy. When you've been with a person for a year, or many years, been through good times and bad, and still find them amazing and exciting, as well as trustworthy and compatible in many ways. This kind of luck in love doesn't come around all that often in one's lifetime. We need to savor and appreciate it!

Magdlyn, I like that phrase much better than Old Relationship Energy. Sounded crummy.

I know I've been with my husband four years and we got cheated out of a bunch of our NRE because my life fell apart, but we still stay up way too late talking at night because we enjoy each other's company so much. The things like that, just scream love to me :)

I adore NRE though. I tend to throw myself headfirst into things and experience all the highs and lows. I'm not so good at safeguarding my heart.

I wonder if we had a poll- how quickly people fall in love? Or whatever they consider love? I suspect this is getting philosophical though as we'd have to agree on the definition of love. Apparently I'm in a thinky mood today!
 
There is a thread in the General section (I think) that discusses the question of what is love. I am too lazy to look for it right now though.
 
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