WhichWitch
New member
I entered into my first polyamorous relationship (and second relationship ever, if that's relevant) a little over ten months ago. At the time I knew next to nothing about polyamory aside from its basic premise of having more than one romantic and/or sexual partner at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It was an impulsive decision on both of our parts. I had known my male partner for almost five years before we got together ,and I also knew he had been with his wife for a very long time (almost 16 years at the time); I did not, however, know he was polyamorous until the very day our relationship began, when we were hanging out and the conversation turned toward my parents' divorce and, in turn, his views on monogamy. I had had a huge crush on him for the longest time but had not acted on it, both because the circumstances under which we met and initially knew each other made doing so inappropriate, and out of respect for what I presumed was his monogamous relationship with his wife. When he informed me he was not, in fact, monogamous, I became very excited and emboldened, we started flirting, and eventually it ended up with me asking him to kiss me and him obliging. We have been together since.
Like I said before, I knew next to nothing about polyamory when I first started dating my partner. I did not know about hierarchical polyamory or that I was considered a secondary until I started doing research later. Because of this, I (unknowingly) entered this relationship with expectations that have led to feelings of intense envy and, in turn, guilt because of that envy.
I did not enter this relationship expecting to usurp his wife, and I still do not expect that, nor do I want to. (That is not, after all, how polyamory works.) My relationship with her has evolved into a romantic one, although we are both more deeply involved with our male partner than with each other. I was initially not attracted to her in a romantic or sexual way, and for a while I felt like I was being pressured for my relationship with her to evolve a certain way and at a certain pace, but we eventually discussed this and now they are both mindful to let things evolve in a way that is more natural and comfortable, with no pressure for it to become something else.
I did enter this relationship, however, expecting other things. I expected that, as my relationship with my male partner progressed and deepened, I would eventually come to be regarded as his co-primary. I have broached this subject once, and they both said they were open to the idea. However, I have come to realize that I want more than I think I can have in this relationship because of the expectations I unwittingly set up, and it has led to envy. I am envious of the stability of their relationship, I am envious that they can publicly acknowledge their true relationship with each other, I am envious of how deep their connection is, I am envious that they get to sleep with each other every night. I feel incredibly guilty about all of this and have been struggling with how to tell them about this. I don't know how to admit that I'm much more insecure than I let on, that my anxiety amplifies my insecurities and makes certain things sometimes sting that much more than they would otherwise. I know I should let them know, and I will--I feel a bit more clear on what my concerns are now that I've written them down here--but how? How do I tell them, exactly? And, most importantly, how do I come to peace with my position? I want this relationship to work, and I am willing to tackle my insecurities to ensure that happens.
Edit:
After reading some of the responses, I have decided to add onto this, seeing as when I initially wrote this post I was compressed for time and wasn't able to add as many details as I would have liked.
I am twenty years old, fourteen and thirteen years younger than my male and female partner, respectively. They met in high school and have been together for over sixteen years. My previous relationship, while very intense, was also admittedly very short (over five months) and more akin to "puppy love" than real love. I'd say this is my first serious relationship.
Before I go any further, I should point out that my male partner is my former high school teacher. We did not begin our relationship until about a year and a half after I'd graduated; I was 19 at the time. He is no longer in the teaching profession. I was very hesitant to put this in my original post even though I knew it would add necessary context to my particular situation, but ultimately decided it was best to mention it here.
I am not completely being hidden; a select few of my male partner's friends know about me and the nature of our relationship. His parents are aware of my existence, but not of my real relationship to him or his wife. I have been over to their house a few times and am presented as a friend of his wife's whom she met through volunteering (not completely a lie, since we do volunteer together) who also occasionally hangs out with him. They also know I am a former student of his. My male partner has, however, flipped back and forth on whether he is ever going to tell his parents about me. He seems to think their reaction is going to be very negative; seeing as he has a rather cynical outlook on life, I have no idea how much of this is true and how much is him just projecting. He has an incredibly close relationship with his mother, which makes the prospect of him never telling her especially painful. I can certainly understand why he would be hesitant to say anything now--not just because coming out as polyamorous can be risky or because I'm his former student, but also because his parents are going through a tough time right now and telling them about me would only exacerbate things--but the idea of him potentially never telling his parents about me is kind of insulting, and will only become more so as time goes on. I am not expecting either of them to shout from the rooftops about their relationship with me--I don't like the idea of *every* detail of my relationship being shared, especially on social media--but there's something...seemingly invalidating, I suppose...when it comes to his family never finding out. Some members of my family are aware of my relationships, and while none of them are too thrilled about it, they also recognize that I am now an adult and that since what I am doing isn't hurting anybody and makes me happy (I know I have focused mostly on the negative things here, but there certainly are positive aspects to this relationship as well), they really don't have a say in the matter.
As you may have already been able to guess from what I've said above, my partners live with my male partner's parents for financial reasons, so overnight stays are currently out of the question. They have, however, been trying to move out for years, and recent developments have me hopeful that they'll soon be able to do so. I currently live with my dad, so either or both of them coming over to spend the night with me is also out of the question for now.
I would eventually like to cohabit with them. This has also been briefly mentioned as a possibility. As far as children are concerned, I've never really wanted to be a mother. My partners do not have any children, have never tried to have children, and don't seem especially interested in having children in the future.
While my male partner has had a few casual relationships before in addition to his relationship with his wife, he has apparently never attempted a serious second relationship before. He says that, regarding me, they are both essentially "winging it". I find this slightly troubling--I'd rather not be treated as a crash test dummy of sorts--and am also irritated that I seem to have done more research on this than they have. My male partner told me he believes himself to be good at relationships because he's maintained the one with my female partner for as long as they have, but I'd think it'd be different when it comes to a secondary partner.
Lastly, I think it's important for me to point out that I suffer from anxiety as well as a mood disorder, which could certainly be coloring my perception of things.
Like I said before, I knew next to nothing about polyamory when I first started dating my partner. I did not know about hierarchical polyamory or that I was considered a secondary until I started doing research later. Because of this, I (unknowingly) entered this relationship with expectations that have led to feelings of intense envy and, in turn, guilt because of that envy.
I did not enter this relationship expecting to usurp his wife, and I still do not expect that, nor do I want to. (That is not, after all, how polyamory works.) My relationship with her has evolved into a romantic one, although we are both more deeply involved with our male partner than with each other. I was initially not attracted to her in a romantic or sexual way, and for a while I felt like I was being pressured for my relationship with her to evolve a certain way and at a certain pace, but we eventually discussed this and now they are both mindful to let things evolve in a way that is more natural and comfortable, with no pressure for it to become something else.
I did enter this relationship, however, expecting other things. I expected that, as my relationship with my male partner progressed and deepened, I would eventually come to be regarded as his co-primary. I have broached this subject once, and they both said they were open to the idea. However, I have come to realize that I want more than I think I can have in this relationship because of the expectations I unwittingly set up, and it has led to envy. I am envious of the stability of their relationship, I am envious that they can publicly acknowledge their true relationship with each other, I am envious of how deep their connection is, I am envious that they get to sleep with each other every night. I feel incredibly guilty about all of this and have been struggling with how to tell them about this. I don't know how to admit that I'm much more insecure than I let on, that my anxiety amplifies my insecurities and makes certain things sometimes sting that much more than they would otherwise. I know I should let them know, and I will--I feel a bit more clear on what my concerns are now that I've written them down here--but how? How do I tell them, exactly? And, most importantly, how do I come to peace with my position? I want this relationship to work, and I am willing to tackle my insecurities to ensure that happens.
Edit:
After reading some of the responses, I have decided to add onto this, seeing as when I initially wrote this post I was compressed for time and wasn't able to add as many details as I would have liked.
I am twenty years old, fourteen and thirteen years younger than my male and female partner, respectively. They met in high school and have been together for over sixteen years. My previous relationship, while very intense, was also admittedly very short (over five months) and more akin to "puppy love" than real love. I'd say this is my first serious relationship.
Before I go any further, I should point out that my male partner is my former high school teacher. We did not begin our relationship until about a year and a half after I'd graduated; I was 19 at the time. He is no longer in the teaching profession. I was very hesitant to put this in my original post even though I knew it would add necessary context to my particular situation, but ultimately decided it was best to mention it here.
I am not completely being hidden; a select few of my male partner's friends know about me and the nature of our relationship. His parents are aware of my existence, but not of my real relationship to him or his wife. I have been over to their house a few times and am presented as a friend of his wife's whom she met through volunteering (not completely a lie, since we do volunteer together) who also occasionally hangs out with him. They also know I am a former student of his. My male partner has, however, flipped back and forth on whether he is ever going to tell his parents about me. He seems to think their reaction is going to be very negative; seeing as he has a rather cynical outlook on life, I have no idea how much of this is true and how much is him just projecting. He has an incredibly close relationship with his mother, which makes the prospect of him never telling her especially painful. I can certainly understand why he would be hesitant to say anything now--not just because coming out as polyamorous can be risky or because I'm his former student, but also because his parents are going through a tough time right now and telling them about me would only exacerbate things--but the idea of him potentially never telling his parents about me is kind of insulting, and will only become more so as time goes on. I am not expecting either of them to shout from the rooftops about their relationship with me--I don't like the idea of *every* detail of my relationship being shared, especially on social media--but there's something...seemingly invalidating, I suppose...when it comes to his family never finding out. Some members of my family are aware of my relationships, and while none of them are too thrilled about it, they also recognize that I am now an adult and that since what I am doing isn't hurting anybody and makes me happy (I know I have focused mostly on the negative things here, but there certainly are positive aspects to this relationship as well), they really don't have a say in the matter.
As you may have already been able to guess from what I've said above, my partners live with my male partner's parents for financial reasons, so overnight stays are currently out of the question. They have, however, been trying to move out for years, and recent developments have me hopeful that they'll soon be able to do so. I currently live with my dad, so either or both of them coming over to spend the night with me is also out of the question for now.
I would eventually like to cohabit with them. This has also been briefly mentioned as a possibility. As far as children are concerned, I've never really wanted to be a mother. My partners do not have any children, have never tried to have children, and don't seem especially interested in having children in the future.
While my male partner has had a few casual relationships before in addition to his relationship with his wife, he has apparently never attempted a serious second relationship before. He says that, regarding me, they are both essentially "winging it". I find this slightly troubling--I'd rather not be treated as a crash test dummy of sorts--and am also irritated that I seem to have done more research on this than they have. My male partner told me he believes himself to be good at relationships because he's maintained the one with my female partner for as long as they have, but I'd think it'd be different when it comes to a secondary partner.
Lastly, I think it's important for me to point out that I suffer from anxiety as well as a mood disorder, which could certainly be coloring my perception of things.
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