Not a therapist. Just prefer direct/plain communication. Esp since I deal with the loop-de-loos of Alzheimer care with my dad. Since I deal in those? I don't care to deal with MORE confusion elsewhere in my life from other people. I want direct communication and plain speaking.
If it's gonna go to voicemail anyway? Where's the problem calling to ask him out and just leave a message then? Where is the terror?
To me it shows you have actual serious interest because you took the trouble to call and leave message. Texting? To me that's for low importance stuff. If he thinks that way too? Text is for low level? Cannot be surprised. He could be mirroring your level of perceived interest. You come in low level non-committal text, he reflects low level non-committal back. If you like to text and set up a call? Then do that. But just text for serious stuff? Do not do that.
Best to just ask him directly how he likes to be asked out and explain how you want to be asked out. And what words you would like him to use -- none of this "some other date" vague stuff. Maybe you are used to emotional guys (Glasses blowing up or Ponytail emoting a lot) so Whiskers not showing much emotion is weird to you.
It sounds like having to tiptoe around your dad, Glasses, and Ponytail and manage their things for them is making you think you have to be doing that tiptoe and manage things with
everyone. You could
stop.
Like the next time Glasses has a cow at you? You can say "No. This is not acceptable behavior. We can talk when you are ready to talk. I will not allow you to blow up at me like that over simple stuff." And leave the room. He can have a cow on his own and calm his own self down.
Next time Ponytail has an emotional thing, rather than helping him deal with all his emotions and figure out a plan, could just tell him "Ok. Let me know when you are ready to talk and you want to tell me your plan" and let him sort it on his own.
It's ok to tell people "No." That is giving them clear communication about where you stand. Everything in the world cannot be "yes." You do not have to be up for
everything.
Glasses getting huffy and pissed off at me because I clarify things calmly and directly is pretty much the hardest part of our communication throughout our marriage. He always apologizes, feels awful for snapping at me, realizes, with a lot of explanation, that I was clarifying and not trying to be bitchy, etc. But his knee-jerk reaction is still to get defensive. And I have learned to tiptoe around and attempt to anticipate his feelings....and that’s why I am such an insecure anxious mess when it comes to relating to Whiskers.
So for the whole marriage so far... Both of you just expect the marriage to lump this "hardest part" thing forever?
Glasses is not gonna take personal responsibility and work to fix his defensive listening thing? And improve/heal himself and wherever that learned response may have come from? So the marriage doesn't have this "hardest part" thing to deal with any more?
Both of you just expect him to blow up at you? (This is good manners toward a spouse?)
Both of you expect you to mold yourself around that behavior and pre-manage the volcano so he doesn't blow? Rather than him learn to un-volcano and manage himself?
This is awesome for you how?
It's ok to be sensitive to other people's feelings. Like you aren't being an asshole to them. But pussy footing around? That's overdoing it. Being over-responsible for people doing their jobs for them? Also overdoing it. It's not your job to make the whole world comfy for everyone else to the point where you are shrinking natural expression of your OWN self. What for? Not fun sounding for you. It doesn't help them become emotionally resilient either.
To me it is like you go backwards. Doing "bonus" before "basics." Where I tell my kids "basics before bonus." I'm gonna take care of ME before helping other people. So NO. I am gonna pee and brush my teeth FIRST in the morning. That is attending to my basics first and totally reasonable self care.
Then I will help people find socks and whatever for school. It is NOT gonna be the other way around. Their basics might be basics to them. But to me? They are BONUS. Nothing stops them from trying to attend to their own basics on their own. I even remind them at bedtime to get their things together. If they choose not to? Oh, well. Crazy morning on their part doesn't have to become crazy morning on mine. I am attending to me first, then helping, and if all I got is one red and one white sock? At least it is socks. Get the bus. Get outta here. If everyone did "basics before bonus" everyone has at least one person attending to them -- them!
As for Whiskers? Since he's never gotten huffy and seems pretty laid back? Why not take the chance? Could give this one a chance to be more YOU instead of tiptoe stuff or anxiety stuff or whatever. Be direct, be bold, and be ok taking up the space you do in the world.
So what if it doesn't pan out? There's other people to date. You HAVE been dating other people -- Charles and the woman and whoever else.
But if it
does pan out, it might be a RELIEF to get to just be YOU and not always attending to others on tiptoe and overthinking and so on. Wouldn't that be a nice change? To lay those burdens down and not have to do them?
Galagirl