Redpepper's journey

Someone, you, or Redpepper, or even both, need to step outside of it, to a certain extent, and be his calm within the storm. His voice of reason. His guiding light.

We will. Some things, thoughts and ideas just need to be put out there so they can be explored. It's a process of learning.
 
I made my Mono a pie last night, in my panties. ;) He was pleased. I was glad to treat him as he has been so supportive. It was damned good pie too! :)

I felt sad all night, however. I had that same tug of pain when I left the house to go to my OH. Said goodbye to the boy and kissed Nerdist. *pang* Will it ever fucking go away?! It's the same when I say goodbye to Mono at the front door of the house I share with Nerdist and the boy. *pang* Every time. It's become almost torture.

This morning, when I came home, Nerdist was still in bed. He hadn't slept. I tried to convince him to stay at home, but he wouldn't. We had a quiet morning. The boy got very upset when Nerdist asked if I was okay. I am just sad. That's all, sad. But we ended the conversation quickly when the boy got upset.

My tertiary is in the middle of a terrible divorce. He asked me last night to take pictures of him and me playing off my Fetlife. He didnt say why, he just asked. So I did it. He identifies as a dom now and she as a sub. It made me wonder what is going on and what she might be using against him. He is trying to remove his Fetlife account too.

I wrote my tertiary this morning to ask if I could rent a room, just once or twice a month. I asked if I could take a holiday in it for a couple of days to try it out. I'm waiting to hear what he says. He needs the money, so I hope to work something out and get at least one need met-- my need for space in my own room. I could take my painting stuff and make it my studio.

I haven't been able to go to my studio since coming out to my parents. It's in their house and just sitting there. I don't want to intrude, and I certainly don't feel creative and safe there. Things are going well with them, but it would be pushing it for me to feel safe just yet.

I'm trying to figure out how to get my need met of having my family all in one place, so I don't get that *pang* anymore. That will be more difficult.
 
I don't know if this will help at all. It's just my experience in trying to reconcile my poly relationships.

Although my bf lived rather close by, it was always hard to leave him, or leave my husband, to be always leaving one of them. There was that *pang* of regret that I always seemed to be saying goodbye to one of them. I saw my husband every day, but it was also hard not being able to see my bf every day, even for that mundane *kiss goodbye* when he left for work, or a *quick hug* before heading out.

I had the desire very early on to have my bf live in the empty basement suite downstairs. There were many practical reasons, but also there was this strong feeling that it was right, that he deserved a place in my life, my family. When he did move in, all of that was confirmed. It wasn't stressful. In fact, it was very calming. A routine and balance has been established that is made much easier by the close proximity.

Before we got to that point, there were discussions about possible concerns. The main concern from my husband was that the home he and I shared would be respected. Our bedroom, our space was still to remain ours. He wanted to ensure that my bf wasn't going to have free reign over our home, that boundaries would still be respected. My bf also had a similar concern, that I wasn't going to come and go as I pleased. He also wanted to ensure he had space to call his own. Basically, all doors in the house would have the option to be open or closed, based on the knowledge and comfort of everyone. I still knock before entering. Everyone does.

Of course there was a bit of NRE in the beginning, having my bf right downstairs. However, I'm not sure if I would say we spend more time together now. There's just a better balance of time, less time spent traveling, easier scheduling, etc.

And most importantly, that *pang* of having to say goodbye is gone, because I'm not going far, just up or down the stairs. Knowing how close each of them is to me has made me incredibly happy. I think it's also comforting to each of them to know that I'm close by, that I'm still 'at home'.
 
II just wanted to add that I'm having some growing pains. I need to adjust to realizing I am not going to see things go exactly how *I* want them to be. I am doing fine and feel blessed with what I have.

Nerdist and I are very different people. He is a hermit, slow moving, in his head, pensive, needs lots of down time and sleep, while I am always on the move, headstrong, loud, always getting a group together to do things, always creating fun times and flying by the seat of my pants. I need to realize that, for better or worse, I have married someone totally different from me, and while I have the freedom to have other partners, there is a limit.

He does not love Mono. He sees no benefit to him in our arrangement. I would've liked them to be best friends, but it's just not going to happen. I thought it was, but it isn't. I have been misled.

That's okay. Really, I have no right to complain, so I am not going to. I'll just continue to figure it out.
 
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Nerdist and I are very different people; he is a hermit, slow moving, in his head, pensive, needs lots of down time and sleep, while I am always on the move, head strong, loud, always getting a group together to do things, always creating fun times and flying by the seat of my pants.

That reminds me of me and my husband. Nerdist sounds like me, You sound like my husband. It is interesting to note that we three are Sagittarius, Nerdist is Pisces, but my moon is in Pisces, which is why I like to stay home a lot. Anyway someone did my chart once and it said something like that... if you are into astrology and zodiac signs and stuff. I am loud when I get going, but I am a home-body and need lots of down-time and sleep.

I just poked Nerdist on Fakebook.
 
I kind of figured you'd understand, booklady. All of what you said resonated to me. You made me weep like a child in the grocery store with that post. Thank you for understanding.

That kind of dynamic is discussed over and over again. There is nothing I can do anymore to help him understand how your kind of living situation would work. He just sees it as my time being taken up more.

I now have to figure out how I am not going to have that, but something else. What, though? I have to figure out how to be happy in the future. I will be. I am just a little lost as to where to go next with this. Continue on, is all I can think of. It's all good, really. What's there to complain about?

I've done it for 20 months now. I can go on. :) It will be fine. :) I need to sound convincing now.
 
Yes I am all Sag and Aries, with spats of Scorpio. A lot of passionate adventure going on with strong emotions. He is very fluid with his emotions and they last forever. He sinks into them like murky water and they can swallow him whole.

When I need to be calmed and subdued, I go to him. Unfortunately, it means being doused sometimes. Fire out. Then again, I help him create fire energy.

I kind of see myself like a wild horse. Being tethered to a post breaks my spirit, yet for he who needs to ride with me, it seems to be a choice of ride with me, or break my spirit and ride on me. The latter I have never known to work for the long haul, which makes me very fearful about our future.
 
Remember all that Polynerdist has accepted in you, and you in him, Lilo. Very few people could have made it as far as you guys. Your lives together have been one incredible journey of the heart. I doubt many people could have held on to this ride. He is a remarkable man, just as you are a remarkable woman. He deserves a lot of credit, just as you do, for loving each other through many highs and lows.
 
My co-worker just said that we are very giving to one another. Really, he has ridden beside me for years. She winked and said, "He will remember who is boss. He will ride with you again, because everything you have done before has been like that and it's all worked out." She's referring to when I said he would marry me, when I said we should have a child now, when I said it's time to buy a house... She's known us awhile and knows how we have worked in the past. He wants to do things differently now. I need to adjust to his lack of desire to be submissive and my follower this time.
 
Redpepper, sending positive thoughts your way.

I have been married 19 years and I can definitely say that the years 7-12 were some of our worst. A lot of this sounds like normal marriage crap. I don't know if it is prior unrealistic expectations, and reality not matching up, or 500 different things left to pile up. I've done my share of irrational lashing out, attacking anything convenient to blame for why things are bad. I eventually realized I was being irrational.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone and others have been there (even if the details vary). Hopefully you guys can come to a mutually beneficial solution.
 
I take comfort in knowing it's all been done before. Thanks for that. I don't usually get to hear that. I appreciate such wise advice. Irrationality is part of it, for sure, which is why I'm trying to suck it up, put my big girl panties on, and deal. Getting there, slowly. But getting there. :)
 
I take comfort in knowing its all been done before. Thanks for that. I don't usually get to hear that. I appreciate such wise advice. Irrationality is part of it for sure, which is why I'm trying to suck it up, put my big girl panties on, and deal. Getting there, slowly. But getting there. :)

Are you baking more pie in those big girl panties? :D
 
I really want to know how to bake a pie in panties. There are just tooo many wrong directions for me to go with that.
 
Wow

I'm so sorry your whole family is going through this right now. You all seem like such loving, giving, thoughtful people.

I feel so sad right now.

Time for me to buck up and find some positive stuff to say...

You are all great people. You deserve much love in your lives, and all of you will have it, no matter how the present situation ends up. The pain sounds unbearable at the moment, but it will get better. You've given so much love and support to the people on this board... I hope you can feel the love and support we're trying to send you right now.

I hope this didn't sound too trite... tears are leaking down my cheeks as I sit in the public library typing it.

/hugs and love


Anotherbo :eek:
 
Separation anxiety can be a bitch. I don't really get it, myself. However, Pixi comes close to tears every time I have to leave her, even if it's just for a day or two.

You'll work it out, Redpepper, Mono, Nerdist. *hug*
 
*hugs* I'm sorry, Redpepper. I didn't mean to upset you with my post. I was just trying to help people understand that wanting that closeness within a poly dynamic isn't an unrealistic fantasy. It's possible. I have to admit that if my husband didn't have a gf, our situation would be very, very different. It helps that each of us has similar relationships with our other partners.

I don't have a close relationship with my husband's gf, and my husband and bf are not really close. They are 'friendly,' and don't mind hanging out in a group setting, but they don't spend time together without me in the room.

In some ways, it would be nice to have everyone as one big, happy family, but it's also nice to have a bit of separation between the relationships. It can give a bit of perspective that would be harder if we were all together all the time. They are both a huge part of MY life, but necessarily part of each other's. They seem ok with that too.

You know that, although my living situation may be the ideal, my relationships aren't without some heartache. They are far from perfect. ;)
 
Thanks, everyone. :) I feel a bit of a whiner, really. :eek: There is work to do, but we are far from tragic, I think.

Booklady, I know that you have struggles. We have talked about them before, you and I. I didn't mean that you made me feel sad, just a bit jealous. I realize that I have a good thing in my life, so much love. I don't feel connected to Nerdist right now, but that happens in marriage and relationships at times. I will get through it, and we will carry on.

In the meantime, I am making myself more at home at my OH. I am looking for a dresser to put my things in now. I have a large amount of stuff there, and have it all crammed in with Mono's things.

I like to go there and put on my comfy clothes and look out the bedroom window. There is a Quaker church across the pathway between the buildings and they are out on the back lawn on Tuesday nights in the summer, dancing and saying prayers. I love to listen to them and watch them sway back and forth. In the winter, I look through the windows of the big old house and it feels so warm in there.

Mono makes me tea or a drink of some kind and we catch up a bit on things before doing something. Once we made cookies to send to LR when she had her operation. We made cannelloni once, and last night, the pie. Mono doesn't know how to cook much, so we do it together.

Sometimes we get online and watch some things. Last night, we learned how to make roses out of duct tape for a project we are doing for my mum's work. And we always have long moments in bed talking and cuddling and having sex. We are not usually asleep until midnight or after.

I really would not have that much luxury if he lived below. He would be worried about noise, and the boy coming in. I would think I was spending too much time with him. Also, no Quakers. It really just might be for the best.
 
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