You can't read your wife's or girlfriend's minds, so you need them to tell you whether you should talk to them and what they'd want you to talk about. Perhaps you could write a pair of letters or emails, saying you'd like to talk but you don't want to cause any problems either, so could they come to you when they're ready to talk and you'll follow their lead as far as the topic of the conversation is concerned.
I think you should be careful to be fair and merciful to *all three* people here: your wife, her girlfriend, *and yourself.* Generosity is all well and good but in my opinion part of a healthy ethical code is being kind to yourself. Otherwise, what model do you have for being kind to others? So don't let this evolve into a situation where you're a doormat and constantly throwing yourself on the other two people's altar because they've left eggshells everywhere. Let them take a turn at figuring out what they want, while you take a break from those relationships and rebuild some of your self-esteem.
I feel that you're getting kind of a bum deal here, getting pushed into the middle of their drama and becoming the rope in their tug of war. All you're asking for is a taste of the marriage you signed up for originally, your wife is withholding that, and her girlfriend is making things worse. Maybe they both have some growing up to do?
Starting over at 40 would suck, but ending all the meaningful parts of your own life at 40 would suck even worse. You need to get some joy and confidence back into your personal life. Don't ride your wife's Titanic right into an iceberg, let her steer her own ship as she will. She can let you know if she's still willing to be a wife to you.
Sorry I have no magical advice that would whisk all of the pain away. You only get to choose your own actions, and the women get to choose theirs. I don't mean to go all "divorce" on you but it seems like you might have already passed the event horizon and divorce is now in your future. I would at least try to start mentally preparing myself for that possibility.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I think you should be careful to be fair and merciful to *all three* people here: your wife, her girlfriend, *and yourself.* Generosity is all well and good but in my opinion part of a healthy ethical code is being kind to yourself. Otherwise, what model do you have for being kind to others? So don't let this evolve into a situation where you're a doormat and constantly throwing yourself on the other two people's altar because they've left eggshells everywhere. Let them take a turn at figuring out what they want, while you take a break from those relationships and rebuild some of your self-esteem.
I feel that you're getting kind of a bum deal here, getting pushed into the middle of their drama and becoming the rope in their tug of war. All you're asking for is a taste of the marriage you signed up for originally, your wife is withholding that, and her girlfriend is making things worse. Maybe they both have some growing up to do?
Starting over at 40 would suck, but ending all the meaningful parts of your own life at 40 would suck even worse. You need to get some joy and confidence back into your personal life. Don't ride your wife's Titanic right into an iceberg, let her steer her own ship as she will. She can let you know if she's still willing to be a wife to you.
Sorry I have no magical advice that would whisk all of the pain away. You only get to choose your own actions, and the women get to choose theirs. I don't mean to go all "divorce" on you but it seems like you might have already passed the event horizon and divorce is now in your future. I would at least try to start mentally preparing myself for that possibility.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.