In case you don't know me, you can call me RAR and I am living in a nice little poly knot. My husband and I are each others' primaries but he has a girlfriend, Miss J, and I have a girlfriend, Miss M. Miss J is a professional woman and she and hubby only get to meet up with each other sporadically - which both of them don't seem to mind. Miss J and I are on great terms, we call each other our "other wife", talk and brainstorm together, support each other, and are great friends.
As for Miss M; Miss M is hubby's brother's fiance. Brother-V and Miss M are in a committed relationship but over the years hubby, myself, and V have all talked about polyamory, and V has always been interested. I've been attracted to Miss M from the moment I met her, V and I actually talked about that attraction a lot with him even before I mentioned a polyamorous relationship with her, so getting into a polyamorous relationship with Miss M was actually rather easy.
When my relationship with Miss M started a few months ago I practically lived with her. The living-arrangement was that hubby, V, and myself all lived with their father. When V and Miss M started dating she "practically" moved in, so it was all of us together under one roof most of the time. We would get to spend a couple times each week just hanging out throughout the day - living together meant that it was pretty hard to avoid each other, so it was nice to be able to see her and share parts of our day together. Because we were already under one roof it was very easy to coordinate what we called "girl time" for ourselves, and I was so happy that we were getting time to be intimate about twice a month.
The reason I'm writing is because all that changed, and I am feeling frustrated and afraid. First the venting, and then I will start to pick up all the pieces so that maybe I can figure out how to rearrange the emotional mess into something non-destructive. What I have been feeling has definitely been destructive - or at least non-constructive - thoughts and emotions and I want to nip those in the bud.
Because father-in-law has to move, all of us do; hubby and I have moved in with a friend in the city, while V and Miss M are moving in with their own friends in the suburbs. Hubby and I moved out a month ago at the end of June, while Miss M and V are going to be moving in about a week.
At the start of June I began to feel some really intense anxiety over the move, and most of it originated with the knowledge that everything between myself and Miss M would change come the move. I have abandonment issues that I constantly deal with and knowing we were all moving definitely brought them out. I managed to quell those fears by trying to talk things out with everyone, but I found that everyone else felt self-assured that pretty much nothing would change and we would all get to see each other often.
I definitely think that part of my abandonment-fears there are based in patterns of behavior I've noticed before: hubby and I have lived under the same roof with V then moved into different houses about three times now, and every time I've noticed that V has proximity-based social-priorities; that is, the closer you are to V the more time he spends with you. It's propinquity - a concept I understand from my biology-courses - but it's definitely emotionally-frustrating as a friend and sister. My logical brain knows it's wrong but it's a tough emotional nut to crack.
Miss M is a busy woman. She calls herself the social-butterfly and it is no joke. I think between all of her jobs she works roughly sixty hours a week, and to top it all off she's been dealing with about four health-issues all at once, all of which involve minor-surgery and recovery-times. My logical-brain registered even before the move that if Miss M and I were no longer living under the same roof it would be very difficult to schedule any time together (let alone girl-time), but the problem is my emotional-brain has absolutely no idea how to handle it. It's almost as if, for the past month, I've lied to myself and told myself that I'm not feeling what I am feeling (a deep frustration and fear) in an effort to "make myself feel better."
It has been a month, and I have only gotten to see V and Miss M twice - both visits lasting only two or so hours. I miss both of them desperately and I keep trying to remind myself that it *has* only been a month, they have both been house-hunting, moving, working, going to school, and dealing with everything in their personal lives. Like I said, my logical brain recognizes this and so I have a cognitive understanding that they aren't abandoning me, they're doing what any human being would do and dealing with their own lives - my emotional-side is not that mature.
I've really started to notice these destructive anxieties over the weekend - or maybe a bit before that.
Miss M and I had tried to schedule girl-time for roughly a week ago, but because of how busy her life is she had to call it off. Again, the logical-side of me understands but it doesn't keep it from hurting. I have been missing every part of our relationship, and missing a chance to spend one-on-one time with her (regardless of the activities) really hurt. I'm a one-on-one or small-group interaction kind of person - while I understand *why* she had to cancel that time together it still hurt that I was looking forward to it and missed it.
Last Saturday I had people over for my birthday, and I had let V and Miss M know about this far in advance. There was still a point during the day when I thought they wouldn't be coming, and I was upset but again, tried to remain logical. I knew both of them had busy schedules for that day and I know there's a million other things they could have been doing besides spending time with me, hubby, and our friends. V and Miss M ended up coming and visiting for a couple hours, which should have been a relief for me... Instead I found myself walking on eggshells because I knew the visit would be short... It was just enough time to say hi and realize how much I missed them before they walked off.
I got a chance to give Miss M a kiss, but I found it left me hurting more than feeling comforted. I know that it is a selfish, sexually-driven hurt so I'm trying not to acknowledge it too much - but I have been finding that the more I ignore these feelings (even the selfish ones) the harder they come to bite me in the ass later on. I had managed to ignore (or not even register) how anxious and fearful I have been feeling about the state of my relationship with Miss M while I hadn't gotten to see her, but once I did it became impossible to ignore these thoughts and feelings.
So... I have to take a step back, take a deep breath, and start unraveling all of this.
While it is good for me to acknowledge when a thought or feeling is destructive or constructive, positive or negative, selfish or selfless, I think I also have a bad habit of also treating some feelings as if they were worthless based on what category they fall into and that probably isn't helping me. Just because I have a destructive, negative, selfish feeling doesn't mean that it's *worthless*, just that I need to acknowledge it, break it apart, and fix it. If I keep ignoring the bad feelings all they're going to do is make a blockade against the good feelings.
I think that I need to continue acknowledging that Miss M and V are both busy with life - that they aren't ignoring or abandoning me they are simply dealing with their lives as it all pops up. They are basically living how hubby and I lived two months ago as we were planning the move, so reminding myself of how busy *we* were definitely helps give me perspective on why they aren't able to spend much time with us.
Reminding myself of this definitely helps, but the illogical, emotional, irrational part of me worries that it will set a pattern of behavior so that even after their lives have "settled down" they still won't make the time to see hubby and I. I find a deep, irrational fear in myself that now that the four of us aren't under the same roof that Miss M and V see me as a "drain" on their time, and the fear effects me most in my relationship with Miss M for some reason. I have an irrational fear of being lost and forgotten.
Meanwhile, hubby and I are adjusting well to our life in our new home. Everything here is working out and looking up. If I take a step back and let myself see the forest for the trees, my life is actually going great - it's just that if I focus too much on this one problem it begins to feel bigger than it is.
I know that I need to take the time to talk to Miss M about how I have been feeling, but I also have been trying to look at everything differently, examine it all, and make sure I won't come off as accusing or spiteful in any way. Sure what's been happening has hurt, but it hasn't been willful on her part, it's not like she has been out from the start to hurt me - what I need to convey is just... I don't know. That's the problem: I know that I should talk to Miss M but I'm not even sure about what.
I have been thinking that if I talk to hubby about this maybe he will at least be able to help give me some perspective: he and Miss J deal with a longer-distance relationship than Miss M and I have to, and their visits are even more sporadic than the month-or-so I've had to endure away from Miss M (which definitely feels longer than it really is, in the long run.) Maybe hubby can help me figure out how to deal with this particular emotional problem. I haven't really brought it up with him before because I didn't realize until very recently how much it really was bothering me.
I know I'm probably overreacting in many ways, but maybe hearing it from other people will help me fully realize and internalize it.
As for Miss M; Miss M is hubby's brother's fiance. Brother-V and Miss M are in a committed relationship but over the years hubby, myself, and V have all talked about polyamory, and V has always been interested. I've been attracted to Miss M from the moment I met her, V and I actually talked about that attraction a lot with him even before I mentioned a polyamorous relationship with her, so getting into a polyamorous relationship with Miss M was actually rather easy.
When my relationship with Miss M started a few months ago I practically lived with her. The living-arrangement was that hubby, V, and myself all lived with their father. When V and Miss M started dating she "practically" moved in, so it was all of us together under one roof most of the time. We would get to spend a couple times each week just hanging out throughout the day - living together meant that it was pretty hard to avoid each other, so it was nice to be able to see her and share parts of our day together. Because we were already under one roof it was very easy to coordinate what we called "girl time" for ourselves, and I was so happy that we were getting time to be intimate about twice a month.
The reason I'm writing is because all that changed, and I am feeling frustrated and afraid. First the venting, and then I will start to pick up all the pieces so that maybe I can figure out how to rearrange the emotional mess into something non-destructive. What I have been feeling has definitely been destructive - or at least non-constructive - thoughts and emotions and I want to nip those in the bud.
Because father-in-law has to move, all of us do; hubby and I have moved in with a friend in the city, while V and Miss M are moving in with their own friends in the suburbs. Hubby and I moved out a month ago at the end of June, while Miss M and V are going to be moving in about a week.
At the start of June I began to feel some really intense anxiety over the move, and most of it originated with the knowledge that everything between myself and Miss M would change come the move. I have abandonment issues that I constantly deal with and knowing we were all moving definitely brought them out. I managed to quell those fears by trying to talk things out with everyone, but I found that everyone else felt self-assured that pretty much nothing would change and we would all get to see each other often.
I definitely think that part of my abandonment-fears there are based in patterns of behavior I've noticed before: hubby and I have lived under the same roof with V then moved into different houses about three times now, and every time I've noticed that V has proximity-based social-priorities; that is, the closer you are to V the more time he spends with you. It's propinquity - a concept I understand from my biology-courses - but it's definitely emotionally-frustrating as a friend and sister. My logical brain knows it's wrong but it's a tough emotional nut to crack.
Miss M is a busy woman. She calls herself the social-butterfly and it is no joke. I think between all of her jobs she works roughly sixty hours a week, and to top it all off she's been dealing with about four health-issues all at once, all of which involve minor-surgery and recovery-times. My logical-brain registered even before the move that if Miss M and I were no longer living under the same roof it would be very difficult to schedule any time together (let alone girl-time), but the problem is my emotional-brain has absolutely no idea how to handle it. It's almost as if, for the past month, I've lied to myself and told myself that I'm not feeling what I am feeling (a deep frustration and fear) in an effort to "make myself feel better."
It has been a month, and I have only gotten to see V and Miss M twice - both visits lasting only two or so hours. I miss both of them desperately and I keep trying to remind myself that it *has* only been a month, they have both been house-hunting, moving, working, going to school, and dealing with everything in their personal lives. Like I said, my logical brain recognizes this and so I have a cognitive understanding that they aren't abandoning me, they're doing what any human being would do and dealing with their own lives - my emotional-side is not that mature.
I've really started to notice these destructive anxieties over the weekend - or maybe a bit before that.
Miss M and I had tried to schedule girl-time for roughly a week ago, but because of how busy her life is she had to call it off. Again, the logical-side of me understands but it doesn't keep it from hurting. I have been missing every part of our relationship, and missing a chance to spend one-on-one time with her (regardless of the activities) really hurt. I'm a one-on-one or small-group interaction kind of person - while I understand *why* she had to cancel that time together it still hurt that I was looking forward to it and missed it.
Last Saturday I had people over for my birthday, and I had let V and Miss M know about this far in advance. There was still a point during the day when I thought they wouldn't be coming, and I was upset but again, tried to remain logical. I knew both of them had busy schedules for that day and I know there's a million other things they could have been doing besides spending time with me, hubby, and our friends. V and Miss M ended up coming and visiting for a couple hours, which should have been a relief for me... Instead I found myself walking on eggshells because I knew the visit would be short... It was just enough time to say hi and realize how much I missed them before they walked off.
I got a chance to give Miss M a kiss, but I found it left me hurting more than feeling comforted. I know that it is a selfish, sexually-driven hurt so I'm trying not to acknowledge it too much - but I have been finding that the more I ignore these feelings (even the selfish ones) the harder they come to bite me in the ass later on. I had managed to ignore (or not even register) how anxious and fearful I have been feeling about the state of my relationship with Miss M while I hadn't gotten to see her, but once I did it became impossible to ignore these thoughts and feelings.
So... I have to take a step back, take a deep breath, and start unraveling all of this.
While it is good for me to acknowledge when a thought or feeling is destructive or constructive, positive or negative, selfish or selfless, I think I also have a bad habit of also treating some feelings as if they were worthless based on what category they fall into and that probably isn't helping me. Just because I have a destructive, negative, selfish feeling doesn't mean that it's *worthless*, just that I need to acknowledge it, break it apart, and fix it. If I keep ignoring the bad feelings all they're going to do is make a blockade against the good feelings.
I think that I need to continue acknowledging that Miss M and V are both busy with life - that they aren't ignoring or abandoning me they are simply dealing with their lives as it all pops up. They are basically living how hubby and I lived two months ago as we were planning the move, so reminding myself of how busy *we* were definitely helps give me perspective on why they aren't able to spend much time with us.
Reminding myself of this definitely helps, but the illogical, emotional, irrational part of me worries that it will set a pattern of behavior so that even after their lives have "settled down" they still won't make the time to see hubby and I. I find a deep, irrational fear in myself that now that the four of us aren't under the same roof that Miss M and V see me as a "drain" on their time, and the fear effects me most in my relationship with Miss M for some reason. I have an irrational fear of being lost and forgotten.
Meanwhile, hubby and I are adjusting well to our life in our new home. Everything here is working out and looking up. If I take a step back and let myself see the forest for the trees, my life is actually going great - it's just that if I focus too much on this one problem it begins to feel bigger than it is.
I know that I need to take the time to talk to Miss M about how I have been feeling, but I also have been trying to look at everything differently, examine it all, and make sure I won't come off as accusing or spiteful in any way. Sure what's been happening has hurt, but it hasn't been willful on her part, it's not like she has been out from the start to hurt me - what I need to convey is just... I don't know. That's the problem: I know that I should talk to Miss M but I'm not even sure about what.
I have been thinking that if I talk to hubby about this maybe he will at least be able to help give me some perspective: he and Miss J deal with a longer-distance relationship than Miss M and I have to, and their visits are even more sporadic than the month-or-so I've had to endure away from Miss M (which definitely feels longer than it really is, in the long run.) Maybe hubby can help me figure out how to deal with this particular emotional problem. I haven't really brought it up with him before because I didn't realize until very recently how much it really was bothering me.
I know I'm probably overreacting in many ways, but maybe hearing it from other people will help me fully realize and internalize it.