Dealing with moving away

polyrar

New member
In case you don't know me, you can call me RAR and I am living in a nice little poly knot. My husband and I are each others' primaries but he has a girlfriend, Miss J, and I have a girlfriend, Miss M. Miss J is a professional woman and she and hubby only get to meet up with each other sporadically - which both of them don't seem to mind. Miss J and I are on great terms, we call each other our "other wife", talk and brainstorm together, support each other, and are great friends.

As for Miss M; Miss M is hubby's brother's fiance. Brother-V and Miss M are in a committed relationship but over the years hubby, myself, and V have all talked about polyamory, and V has always been interested. I've been attracted to Miss M from the moment I met her, V and I actually talked about that attraction a lot with him even before I mentioned a polyamorous relationship with her, so getting into a polyamorous relationship with Miss M was actually rather easy.

When my relationship with Miss M started a few months ago I practically lived with her. The living-arrangement was that hubby, V, and myself all lived with their father. When V and Miss M started dating she "practically" moved in, so it was all of us together under one roof most of the time. We would get to spend a couple times each week just hanging out throughout the day - living together meant that it was pretty hard to avoid each other, so it was nice to be able to see her and share parts of our day together. Because we were already under one roof it was very easy to coordinate what we called "girl time" for ourselves, and I was so happy that we were getting time to be intimate about twice a month.

The reason I'm writing is because all that changed, and I am feeling frustrated and afraid. First the venting, and then I will start to pick up all the pieces so that maybe I can figure out how to rearrange the emotional mess into something non-destructive. What I have been feeling has definitely been destructive - or at least non-constructive - thoughts and emotions and I want to nip those in the bud.

Because father-in-law has to move, all of us do; hubby and I have moved in with a friend in the city, while V and Miss M are moving in with their own friends in the suburbs. Hubby and I moved out a month ago at the end of June, while Miss M and V are going to be moving in about a week.

At the start of June I began to feel some really intense anxiety over the move, and most of it originated with the knowledge that everything between myself and Miss M would change come the move. I have abandonment issues that I constantly deal with and knowing we were all moving definitely brought them out. I managed to quell those fears by trying to talk things out with everyone, but I found that everyone else felt self-assured that pretty much nothing would change and we would all get to see each other often.

I definitely think that part of my abandonment-fears there are based in patterns of behavior I've noticed before: hubby and I have lived under the same roof with V then moved into different houses about three times now, and every time I've noticed that V has proximity-based social-priorities; that is, the closer you are to V the more time he spends with you. It's propinquity - a concept I understand from my biology-courses - but it's definitely emotionally-frustrating as a friend and sister. My logical brain knows it's wrong but it's a tough emotional nut to crack.

Miss M is a busy woman. She calls herself the social-butterfly and it is no joke. I think between all of her jobs she works roughly sixty hours a week, and to top it all off she's been dealing with about four health-issues all at once, all of which involve minor-surgery and recovery-times. My logical-brain registered even before the move that if Miss M and I were no longer living under the same roof it would be very difficult to schedule any time together (let alone girl-time), but the problem is my emotional-brain has absolutely no idea how to handle it. It's almost as if, for the past month, I've lied to myself and told myself that I'm not feeling what I am feeling (a deep frustration and fear) in an effort to "make myself feel better."

It has been a month, and I have only gotten to see V and Miss M twice - both visits lasting only two or so hours. I miss both of them desperately and I keep trying to remind myself that it *has* only been a month, they have both been house-hunting, moving, working, going to school, and dealing with everything in their personal lives. Like I said, my logical brain recognizes this and so I have a cognitive understanding that they aren't abandoning me, they're doing what any human being would do and dealing with their own lives - my emotional-side is not that mature.

I've really started to notice these destructive anxieties over the weekend - or maybe a bit before that.

Miss M and I had tried to schedule girl-time for roughly a week ago, but because of how busy her life is she had to call it off. Again, the logical-side of me understands but it doesn't keep it from hurting. I have been missing every part of our relationship, and missing a chance to spend one-on-one time with her (regardless of the activities) really hurt. I'm a one-on-one or small-group interaction kind of person - while I understand *why* she had to cancel that time together it still hurt that I was looking forward to it and missed it.

Last Saturday I had people over for my birthday, and I had let V and Miss M know about this far in advance. There was still a point during the day when I thought they wouldn't be coming, and I was upset but again, tried to remain logical. I knew both of them had busy schedules for that day and I know there's a million other things they could have been doing besides spending time with me, hubby, and our friends. V and Miss M ended up coming and visiting for a couple hours, which should have been a relief for me... Instead I found myself walking on eggshells because I knew the visit would be short... It was just enough time to say hi and realize how much I missed them before they walked off.

I got a chance to give Miss M a kiss, but I found it left me hurting more than feeling comforted. I know that it is a selfish, sexually-driven hurt so I'm trying not to acknowledge it too much - but I have been finding that the more I ignore these feelings (even the selfish ones) the harder they come to bite me in the ass later on. I had managed to ignore (or not even register) how anxious and fearful I have been feeling about the state of my relationship with Miss M while I hadn't gotten to see her, but once I did it became impossible to ignore these thoughts and feelings.

So... I have to take a step back, take a deep breath, and start unraveling all of this.

While it is good for me to acknowledge when a thought or feeling is destructive or constructive, positive or negative, selfish or selfless, I think I also have a bad habit of also treating some feelings as if they were worthless based on what category they fall into and that probably isn't helping me. Just because I have a destructive, negative, selfish feeling doesn't mean that it's *worthless*, just that I need to acknowledge it, break it apart, and fix it. If I keep ignoring the bad feelings all they're going to do is make a blockade against the good feelings.

I think that I need to continue acknowledging that Miss M and V are both busy with life - that they aren't ignoring or abandoning me they are simply dealing with their lives as it all pops up. They are basically living how hubby and I lived two months ago as we were planning the move, so reminding myself of how busy *we* were definitely helps give me perspective on why they aren't able to spend much time with us.

Reminding myself of this definitely helps, but the illogical, emotional, irrational part of me worries that it will set a pattern of behavior so that even after their lives have "settled down" they still won't make the time to see hubby and I. I find a deep, irrational fear in myself that now that the four of us aren't under the same roof that Miss M and V see me as a "drain" on their time, and the fear effects me most in my relationship with Miss M for some reason. I have an irrational fear of being lost and forgotten.

Meanwhile, hubby and I are adjusting well to our life in our new home. Everything here is working out and looking up. If I take a step back and let myself see the forest for the trees, my life is actually going great - it's just that if I focus too much on this one problem it begins to feel bigger than it is.

I know that I need to take the time to talk to Miss M about how I have been feeling, but I also have been trying to look at everything differently, examine it all, and make sure I won't come off as accusing or spiteful in any way. Sure what's been happening has hurt, but it hasn't been willful on her part, it's not like she has been out from the start to hurt me - what I need to convey is just... I don't know. That's the problem: I know that I should talk to Miss M but I'm not even sure about what.

I have been thinking that if I talk to hubby about this maybe he will at least be able to help give me some perspective: he and Miss J deal with a longer-distance relationship than Miss M and I have to, and their visits are even more sporadic than the month-or-so I've had to endure away from Miss M (which definitely feels longer than it really is, in the long run.) Maybe hubby can help me figure out how to deal with this particular emotional problem. I haven't really brought it up with him before because I didn't realize until very recently how much it really was bothering me.

I know I'm probably overreacting in many ways, but maybe hearing it from other people will help me fully realize and internalize it.
 
Why do you have to move just because your father-in-law is moving?
 
Hi Rar,

So, if I understand this right, you and hubby + brother and Miss M all lived under one roof, but now have to live separately.

You've been living in the city with hubby and a friend. Miss M and V are moving in a week to the suburbs.

You've seen M twice in a month, and it was very brief.

You're struggling with your feelings - with actually *feeling* them. You're trying to rationalise them or quash them. I understand.

Feelings are simply feelings. They are like the wind or rain - they just exist. They come, you experience them, and they go. Don't deny yourself the experience of feeling something, even if it is difficult. Of course, at the same time, allow yourself to take a deep breath and let them go, knowing that they are just feelings.

What's your contact like with Miss M, outside of the two brief times you've seen her? Are you a high-contact pair, or don't talk often?

As someone who doesn't know you in person, I couldn't say whether M and V could be making more time for you or not. I'm very much of the belief that if you want something, you will make time for it, no matter what. However, some people (especially with 60+ hour p.w. jobs) perhaps don't have that luxury. The only way you will know is to talk directly to Miss M and say that you're having a bit of anxiety.

The other option is to go the supportive route and be a pillar of calm amidst the chaos Miss M is going through in her life right now. I know I've had hard times in the past, and when my GF's complained about feeling neglected (when she's complained in an aggressive/blaming way, I mean), I've had moments where I've thought "God, *I'm* the one needing support here!" If you step outside of yourself for a moment and review the situation, do you think that this could be a time for offering support? (I'm not saying it is - I'm asking so that you reflect :) )

The third option is to set a time frame in your mind. For instance, I personally can drive myself around the bend freaking out and assuming that a temporary situation is only going to get worse. What could be helpful is to say to yourself: "Right. I'm going to give it one/two/three month/s after they've moved, and not worry about it until then."

In terms of feeling like a drain - don't! I can tell you honestly that if someone is into you, they will find time with you A PLEASURE. If they don't seem to find time with you a pleasure, no amount of worrying will change it. You should only invest time in people who get pleasure out of being around you! You deserve absolutely nothing less! The same goes for being forgotten. If you're memorable to a person, they won't forget you. It's as simple as that.

There are also many, many benefits to living apart! It can keep things a hell of a lot more exciting for a longer time. Just give it time to settle.

Speaking to your hubby about it would also probably help, as you say.

The final thing I'd suggest is doing something to keep your mind of this for the next month or so. I think this is important in general, but it can be particularly helpful when you have a partner who is extremely busy. Get your mind out of the black hole! Take a class, learn a language online, take a vacation... do something to shake up your own life, and I promise you that not only will you be more secure in yourself, you will also spend less time worrying about this :)
 
Re (from OP):
"I know that I should talk to Miss M but I'm not even sure about what."

Perhaps it would help to write her a letter or an email? That way you could really think about what you wanted to say.

It looks like you're worrying about the future when you don't even (yet) know what's in the future. If there's going to be problems in the future, you should tackle those problems when they come up, because they might not even be the same kind of problems that you're worrying about right now.

By the way is there any particular reason the four (heck five counting Miss J) of you couldn't move into someplace where you're all still under one roof?

I hope you'll find a solution to your dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Why do you have to move just because your father-in-law is moving?

Father-in-law was getting a special break on his rent from the land-lord due to being at the house for so long, and some special circumstances; while the land-lord said he would transfer the lease of the house over to us he wouldn't be willing to give us the same price break, meaning that rent would almost triple for each of us every month (if you start factoring in utilities.) On top of that the house was going to need extensive repairs soon, and the four of us are not in the financial-place we would need to be in order to take on such repairs.

The four of us talked about renting a place together a while back but couldn't seem to find a house in the right location for the right amount, and emotional-issues between hubby and father-in-law got to the point where he and I had to pick a place sooner than V and Miss M wanted to.
 
Re (from OP):


Perhaps it would help to write her a letter or an email? That way you could really think about what you wanted to say.

It looks like you're worrying about the future when you don't even (yet) know what's in the future. If there's going to be problems in the future, you should tackle those problems when they come up, because they might not even be the same kind of problems that you're worrying about right now.

By the way is there any particular reason the four (heck five counting Miss J) of you couldn't move into someplace where you're all still under one roof?

I hope you'll find a solution to your dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Writing a letter could, I think, definitely help; it would especially give me a chance to organize my thoughts as I'm getting them down so I don't become petty or upset.

I definitely have a bad habit of letting problems with the past or future upset my present-life - you are right that I need to stop trying to guess what problems may arise in the future and let them come as they will. Thank you for the reminder, I need those often :)

The four of us have talked about all living under one roof, but there always seems to be a few problems we can't work around - some of them minor, others a bit more difficult to handle. It can range the gambit of everything from V and Miss M working in one area while myself and hubby working in another, and the areas inbetween are out of our price-range, to V and hubby, being brothers, having a tendency to argue a lot and still haven't grown out of it, making some minor character flaws seem major. There is definitely a part of me that hopes that, since we're all still young, we'll all grow out of it and eventually live back together for a few years but I try not to rely on that hope - it would take a concerted effort from all four of us, and from my talks with hubby and V especially it sounds like not everyone has the same hope I do.

I suppose, in a way, I am dealing with the realization that I want something I'm fairly certain I know I can't have. It's the inner-two-year-old in me throwing a temper tantrum...

As for living with Miss J... That is a sticky wicket. First off, Miss J has to stay close to her work-place - not just for convenience but also because travel is difficult for her. Miss J has some very strict, special, health-needs and because of this can't travel too far, and has to stay close to her doctors. She lives in a completely different city from hubby and I, and hubby is currently going to school here, meaning a commute for him would be difficult. He and I have talked about how we are not equipped to assist Miss J in her day-to-day life like she needs and deserves, and have talked to her about this - she understands that we offer as much support as we can give, but that we know we cannot give her the extra care she needs as a person. Miss J totally understands this, and we all hope for the day when she can move closer and we can help her *more* - but we know that living with her under one roof is probably not in the cards.

Thank you Kevin T. for the good reminder and a chance to look at things objectively - I'm beginning to see that a lot of my worries and fears may be borrowed from the future and I should take this journey one step at a time.
 
Hi Rar,

So, if I understand this right, you and hubby + brother and Miss M all lived under one roof, but now have to live separately.

You've been living in the city with hubby and a friend. Miss M and V are moving in a week to the suburbs.

You've seen M twice in a month, and it was very brief.

You're struggling with your feelings - with actually *feeling* them. You're trying to rationalise them or quash them. I understand.

You've pretty much hit the nail on the head there, sparklepop.

Feelings are simply feelings. They are like the wind or rain - they just exist. They come, you experience them, and they go. Don't deny yourself the experience of feeling something, even if it is difficult. Of course, at the same time, allow yourself to take a deep breath and let them go, knowing that they are just feelings.

That's actually... Very profound, and exactly what I needed to hear! :D I definitely have a bad habit of either ignoring my feelings, or absorbing myself with them.

What's your contact like with Miss M, outside of the two brief times you've seen her? Are you a high-contact pair, or don't talk often?

We talk occasionally, but usually just online. I thought about that a lot yesterday and decided that even a short chat on the phone might leave me feeling better (as if I'd actually "spent time" with her) than just a short text-message - I did give her a call just to "catch up" and it *did* feel better.

I am beginning to admit to myself that my own personal character-flaw (my loathing of telephone conversations) may have compounded the bad feelings I was having. Hearing her voice was better than just reading her words, and I think I need to start making time to actually call more often.

As someone who doesn't know you in person, I couldn't say whether M and V could be making more time for you or not. I'm very much of the belief that if you want something, you will make time for it, no matter what. However, some people (especially with 60+ hour p.w. jobs) perhaps don't have that luxury. The only way you will know is to talk directly to Miss M and say that you're having a bit of anxiety.

The other option is to go the supportive route and be a pillar of calm amidst the chaos Miss M is going through in her life right now. I know I've had hard times in the past, and when my GF's complained about feeling neglected (when she's complained in an aggressive/blaming way, I mean), I've had moments where I've thought "God, *I'm* the one needing support here!" If you step outside of yourself for a moment and review the situation, do you think that this could be a time for offering support? (I'm not saying it is - I'm asking so that you reflect :) )

The third option is to set a time frame in your mind. For instance, I personally can drive myself around the bend freaking out and assuming that a temporary situation is only going to get worse. What could be helpful is to say to yourself: "Right. I'm going to give it one/two/three month/s after they've moved, and not worry about it until then."

I think all three of these options are very valid, and I will definitely be thinking about them as I continue to examine my own part in this situation. Miss M is not just a lover, she is my friend, and regardless of whether we had chosen to become intimate or not I would still have supported her throughout her life as a good friend should - I should keep that in mind, and maybe reminding *her* of that might help, too; keeping that in mind makes the time away from her seem more brief, because I am not focusing on how bad I feel.

I want to communicate to her that I am still supportive of her, and that as much as I want personal time with her I know that she has to take care of her own life, first. kdt26417 suggested writing Miss M a letter, and I think that this might be a good option at this point; a letter would allow me to express my support of her and also explain how much I miss her, and it would give me enough space on a page to explain all this without coming off as being petty, or throwing blame.

In terms of feeling like a drain - don't! I can tell you honestly that if someone is into you, they will find time with you A PLEASURE. If they don't seem to find time with you a pleasure, no amount of worrying will change it. You should only invest time in people who get pleasure out of being around you! You deserve absolutely nothing less! The same goes for being forgotten. If you're memorable to a person, they won't forget you. It's as simple as that.

Thank you for reminding me of this! I think it was Dr Seuss who said "those who matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter" or something to that effect, and I think that's basically what you're trying to say. If Miss M doesn't enjoy spending time with me then worrying about it won't change that, and I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who *does* enjoy spending time with me!

There are also many, many benefits to living apart! It can keep things a hell of a lot more exciting for a longer time. Just give it time to settle.

That is something I hadn't thought about... Once I get over the post-move jitters and we can make more time to schedule together I'm sure that things will be just as fun!

The final thing I'd suggest is doing something to keep your mind of this for the next month or so. I think this is important in general, but it can be particularly helpful when you have a partner who is extremely busy. Get your mind out of the black hole! Take a class, learn a language online, take a vacation... do something to shake up your own life, and I promise you that not only will you be more secure in yourself, you will also spend less time worrying about this :)

This is great advice, and luckily I'm already ahead of you ;) Less time with Miss M has meant that I definitely have more time to work on my art - I'm currently working on the most projects I have taken on in three months, thanks to all the free time ;)
 
Hi polyrar,

I think I have a better understanding of your situation now and can see, for example, why everyone moving in together isn't in the cards right now. Which I guess is alright, because I think you're figuring out more ways to cope with the situation and aren't quite feeling so anxious about it. Sometimes it helps just knowing lots of people (with various perspectives) are willing to help with suggestions and encouragement! I think you'll make it through this and be okay.

With regards,
Kevin T.
 
Father-in-law was getting a special break on his rent from the land-lord due to being at the house for so long, and some special circumstances; while the land-lord said he would transfer the lease of the house over to us he wouldn't be willing to give us the same price break, meaning that rent would almost triple for each of us every month (if you start factoring in utilities.) On top of that the house was going to need extensive repairs soon, and the four of us are not in the financial-place we would need to be in order to take on such repairs.

The four of us talked about renting a place together a while back but couldn't seem to find a house in the right location for the right amount, and emotional-issues between hubby and father-in-law got to the point where he and I had to pick a place sooner than V and Miss M wanted to.
So, just to be clear, does all that mean that you and your husband, his brother, and his brother's fiancee were all living together with your father-in-law in the house your father-in-law was renting?
 
So, just to be clear, does all that mean that you and your husband, his brother, and his brother's fiancee were all living together with your father-in-law in the house your father-in-law was renting?

Yes, that was our old living-situation. It was definitely a "crowded" living-situation but very comfortable once we were all settled in together.

Kevin T., knowing that other people are willing to help with my situation - and talking it out, and explaining it to other people - has definitely helped give me perspective and alleviate my anxiety. I've taken a little advice from everyone and I'm trying to examine how each course of action could affect my situation, but knowing that I have options instead of focusing solely on how bad I felt definitely has calmed me down.

Thank you to *everyone* for listening to me vent and giving me such good advice!
 
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