Brand new to polyamory, I need advice!

Lukaz19

New member
Hi everybody! I'm really really new to all this so I could really use some advice.

Well my fiancé (pretty much de facto wife) just started a relationship with a guy at work about 2 weeks ago. She has flirted with exes and other friends for a long time because it is something she and I both really enjoy her doing, but this is the first time we've really stepped into actual polyamory.

So I need some advice. They spend some time alone, but she also has him come over to the apartment that she, our kid, and I share. Well that is where I need advice.

What we have done is watch Netflix, play party style video games, and other shared activities like that. When it gets a little later, I normally voluntarily go into the bedroom alone to give them a little time together, and she joins me at some point.

The problem is, I don't know exactly what THEY would ideally want. I would love to hang out as a group all the time, but I can only imagine that they, and he and particular, would like to spend some time together without me there. But, I don't think they are just gonna come out and say that, especially since he is kind of submissive.

So that leaves me in the awkward position of just hanging out with them the whole time, not knowing if that is what they really want. I feel like I could tell her this and ask her to let me know if she wants some time with him with me not there, but I think that most of the time she is fine with me being there.

But with him, I hardly know him. It would be difficult and awkward for me to tell him, "Hey, if you want me to get lost just tell me." And also, like I said, he is kinda submissive so I doubt he would speak up anyway. I have considered asking her to talk to him about this.

Any advice? Thanks! :)
 
You are WAY overthinking this. There will inevitably be real problems that arise later. Save your mental anguish for those.

Just ask them, hey, am I staying too long? Do you need more alone time? Than accept their answer and move on.
 
Yeah, I tend to overthink things for sure lol. I just don't want to be in the position where I am unwanted but nobody is willing to speak up and let me know.
 
Totally appreciate your good intentions, but, seriously. Don't burn yourself out on the little things. You'll need those emotional reserves for when things progress.

When it's something simple, that can be asked directly? Just do it. You have to learn to trust your partner's answers sooner or later. Or it just won't work.
 
I'm on the other side of things...I'm the new, second woman for my boyfriend. We've been in a relationship for 16 months now.
Here's how I like it...I like to spend time with both of them initially, and then she'll say goodnight and my boyfriend and I will have alone time. And occasionally she'll have somewhere else to be and we'll be alone the entire time.
Either way, alone time is pretty important to me.
I, personally, like the way you've been doing it. Hanging out with them and then going off on your own.

Here's what I've found works the best for me in this strange new way of having a relationship. I make my wants and needs known right away. The few times I've had something that bothered me, I let him know. Calmly and without heat.
That way there's no second guessing, no internal agonizing, no wondering and wondering and letting my emotions get away with me.

That's my advice to you...same as everyone else's. Talk about it with her. Right away. (and by right away I mean as soon as an opportunity to talk presents itself) Calmly and lovingly. And ease your mental pain.
 
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I actually understand why you are finding this tricky. While I'm the kind to just come straight out and ask my GF in private what she wants (and my metamour, if the opportunity/friendship is there), it doesn't mean I'd always believe what she's saying. There's always the risk that someone is being polite.

Does their alone time need to be at your house? What's his living situation?

Otherwise I'd just carry on as you are and then ask your partner what she wants, and reassure her that she can be honest with you!

If I really wanted to just guess, I'd weight it so that I was present less than I was away - i.e. hang out for 2 hours, leave them alone for 4 hours. It's usually easier for people to say "Hey! Don't go!" than it is for them to say "Hey... can you get going?"
 
f I really wanted to just guess, I'd weight it so that I was present less than I was away - i.e. hang out for 2 hours, leave them alone for 4 hours. It's usually easier for people to say "Hey! Don't go!" than it is for them to say "Hey... can you get going?"

I really appreciate this comment.

Also, in regards to his living situation, he shares a place with family and although they can and will spend time there, it is easier for them to spend time at our place so more time will be spent there.

I talked to her about it and she reassured me a bit. With that and your comments I feel more at ease so thanks guys!
 
It is my opinion that you and your wife are each others primaries. So, it is really up to both of you as to what you both want and can agree upon. Some men want to be there the entire time their spouse is with her other. Some others and spouses value alone time with their other. So, there is no one answer to this type of situation. Talk with your wife. Ask her what she really values most. Then the two of you can move forward fully informed.
 
. . . I would love to hang out as a group all the time, but I can only imagine that they, and he and particular, would like to spend some time together without me there. But, I don't think they are just gonna come out and say that, especially since he is kind of submissive.
Then ask.

So that leaves me in the awkward position of just hanging out with them the whole time, not knowing if that is what they really want.
Then ask.

I feel like I could tell her this and ask her to let me know if she wants some time with him with me not there, but I think that most of the time she is fine with me being there.
Then, um, ask.

But with him, I hardly know him. It would be difficult and awkward for me to tell him, "Hey, if you want me to get lost just tell me."
I don't know why it would be difficult and awkward. Just ask if they want privacy. :confused:

And also, like I said, he is kinda submissive so I doubt he would speak up anyway. I have considered asking her to talk to him about this.
Sure, why wouldn't you? Just, you know... ask.
 
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For me, we did it the other way usually. I live with my gf. My former bf would come over in the evening, we'd go to the bedroom and have sex and cuddle and talk for an hour or maybe 2. Then come out and hang with the gf if she was in the mood. Talk, watch TV, whatever.

Sometimes he came over in the mornings as she slept in and he wouldn't even see her.

Sometimes she was off at HER bf's place and my bf and I would have the run of the place.

Sometimes I went to his place.

Sometimes he and I would go out on a date. Less often all 3 of us would go out on a date.

Alone time for each couple is crucial in my book.
 
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