pandoradawn
New member
Trigger Warning: Rape
Hello,
I'm in a situation in which I'm how to deal with. I am triad relationship a partner who I've been with for over a year (A) and another I've been with for 7 months (B). I also have a new partner (C) who I met at Pride this year, actually through B.
My relationship with B has had it's problems in the past, and our chemistry doesn't seem to be all that great to me either. They are too rough on me in bed and don't ask for consent about doing certain things before they proceed to do them, something that is important for me as I was raped a year ago by a friend's friend and am still healing from it. They don't like using condoms with other people, eventually admitting that they will have sex without a condom with anyone if they can... but that they would tell me if they did. Unfortunately just weeks after they told me this they wound up with an STI, which made me question how honest they were being with me on that as well. Another time I told them I wasn't in the mood for sex and they just kind of guilted me until I agreed to have sex. So many issues. Still I brushed a lot of this aside because I'm not a very assertive person to begin with and my rape left me even more so without a voice.
The other thing that bothers me is the relationship is mostly just sexual. Don't get me wrong. I have been able to start enjoying sex again, under the right circumstances, but more than that I love to cuddle up to a partner, talk with them and go out and do romantic things. With this partner it feels like when they are done with me in bed they usually run off and do their own thing. And I've come to realize in all this that I don't really know much about them, and that's a huge issue for me.
More recently, I've been having to deal with the fact that B started dating someone who sexually assaulted C. This is a big deal for me not only because of my own prior rape but also because B hurt someone else I care about, and someone they claimed was their friend. They are also giving their new lover veto power, when A and I were not given it and still do not have veto rights. This was the final straw that made me step back and evaluate the relationship I have with B.
I tried asking my poly roommate, closest friend and B's ex for advice on this but she seems to be under the impression I'm wearing new relationship goggles for C, that I should take each relationship for what it is and that I should wait 3 months before making any decisions. She thinks I'm just taking C's side because the relationship is new, when I've been questioning the old relationship in my head for a while now. The incident in which she hurt C was just the final nail in our relationships coffin, and I don't see how waiting to see how a feel in a few months will help. I'd just be making myself more miserable, dating someone I'm no longer attracted to nor in love with. And I'll just feel pressured to have sex with her when she wants, which will just make feel like garbage afterwards. Then, when 3 months is up, I feel it would be even harder to break it off because the relationship will be almost a year old at that point.
So I'm at the point where I want to break up with B as soon as I can, but I'm afraid of how it will impact my relationship with A. They both live together and my other partner has been quick to run to the defense of B when it comes to C, so I don't know how to handle this situation. Also, even if A remains neutral about everything I personally feel I need some space from B. Do I tell A that I'm planning on breaking up with B see what they have to say and then break up with B or do I just break up B and see how things play out? Also I'm unsure of how to get them apart to break the news to B, as they live in a small apartment together and last time I IMed B to say I needed to talk they got all concerned and asked questions right then and there and I had to IM the issues to them anyways, something I read is not a good idea for breaking up.
I'm just so shy and non assertive and a bit socially awkward and not good at navigating complex social situations like this so any advice would help.
Hello,
I'm in a situation in which I'm how to deal with. I am triad relationship a partner who I've been with for over a year (A) and another I've been with for 7 months (B). I also have a new partner (C) who I met at Pride this year, actually through B.
My relationship with B has had it's problems in the past, and our chemistry doesn't seem to be all that great to me either. They are too rough on me in bed and don't ask for consent about doing certain things before they proceed to do them, something that is important for me as I was raped a year ago by a friend's friend and am still healing from it. They don't like using condoms with other people, eventually admitting that they will have sex without a condom with anyone if they can... but that they would tell me if they did. Unfortunately just weeks after they told me this they wound up with an STI, which made me question how honest they were being with me on that as well. Another time I told them I wasn't in the mood for sex and they just kind of guilted me until I agreed to have sex. So many issues. Still I brushed a lot of this aside because I'm not a very assertive person to begin with and my rape left me even more so without a voice.
The other thing that bothers me is the relationship is mostly just sexual. Don't get me wrong. I have been able to start enjoying sex again, under the right circumstances, but more than that I love to cuddle up to a partner, talk with them and go out and do romantic things. With this partner it feels like when they are done with me in bed they usually run off and do their own thing. And I've come to realize in all this that I don't really know much about them, and that's a huge issue for me.
More recently, I've been having to deal with the fact that B started dating someone who sexually assaulted C. This is a big deal for me not only because of my own prior rape but also because B hurt someone else I care about, and someone they claimed was their friend. They are also giving their new lover veto power, when A and I were not given it and still do not have veto rights. This was the final straw that made me step back and evaluate the relationship I have with B.
I tried asking my poly roommate, closest friend and B's ex for advice on this but she seems to be under the impression I'm wearing new relationship goggles for C, that I should take each relationship for what it is and that I should wait 3 months before making any decisions. She thinks I'm just taking C's side because the relationship is new, when I've been questioning the old relationship in my head for a while now. The incident in which she hurt C was just the final nail in our relationships coffin, and I don't see how waiting to see how a feel in a few months will help. I'd just be making myself more miserable, dating someone I'm no longer attracted to nor in love with. And I'll just feel pressured to have sex with her when she wants, which will just make feel like garbage afterwards. Then, when 3 months is up, I feel it would be even harder to break it off because the relationship will be almost a year old at that point.
So I'm at the point where I want to break up with B as soon as I can, but I'm afraid of how it will impact my relationship with A. They both live together and my other partner has been quick to run to the defense of B when it comes to C, so I don't know how to handle this situation. Also, even if A remains neutral about everything I personally feel I need some space from B. Do I tell A that I'm planning on breaking up with B see what they have to say and then break up with B or do I just break up B and see how things play out? Also I'm unsure of how to get them apart to break the news to B, as they live in a small apartment together and last time I IMed B to say I needed to talk they got all concerned and asked questions right then and there and I had to IM the issues to them anyways, something I read is not a good idea for breaking up.
I'm just so shy and non assertive and a bit socially awkward and not good at navigating complex social situations like this so any advice would help.