Triad Breakup (Contains Trigger Warning)

pandoradawn

New member
Trigger Warning: Rape

Hello,

I'm in a situation in which I'm how to deal with. I am triad relationship a partner who I've been with for over a year (A) and another I've been with for 7 months (B). I also have a new partner (C) who I met at Pride this year, actually through B.

My relationship with B has had it's problems in the past, and our chemistry doesn't seem to be all that great to me either. They are too rough on me in bed and don't ask for consent about doing certain things before they proceed to do them, something that is important for me as I was raped a year ago by a friend's friend and am still healing from it. They don't like using condoms with other people, eventually admitting that they will have sex without a condom with anyone if they can... but that they would tell me if they did. Unfortunately just weeks after they told me this they wound up with an STI, which made me question how honest they were being with me on that as well. Another time I told them I wasn't in the mood for sex and they just kind of guilted me until I agreed to have sex. So many issues. Still I brushed a lot of this aside because I'm not a very assertive person to begin with and my rape left me even more so without a voice.

The other thing that bothers me is the relationship is mostly just sexual. Don't get me wrong. I have been able to start enjoying sex again, under the right circumstances, but more than that I love to cuddle up to a partner, talk with them and go out and do romantic things. With this partner it feels like when they are done with me in bed they usually run off and do their own thing. And I've come to realize in all this that I don't really know much about them, and that's a huge issue for me.

More recently, I've been having to deal with the fact that B started dating someone who sexually assaulted C. This is a big deal for me not only because of my own prior rape but also because B hurt someone else I care about, and someone they claimed was their friend. They are also giving their new lover veto power, when A and I were not given it and still do not have veto rights. This was the final straw that made me step back and evaluate the relationship I have with B.

I tried asking my poly roommate, closest friend and B's ex for advice on this but she seems to be under the impression I'm wearing new relationship goggles for C, that I should take each relationship for what it is and that I should wait 3 months before making any decisions. She thinks I'm just taking C's side because the relationship is new, when I've been questioning the old relationship in my head for a while now. The incident in which she hurt C was just the final nail in our relationships coffin, and I don't see how waiting to see how a feel in a few months will help. I'd just be making myself more miserable, dating someone I'm no longer attracted to nor in love with. And I'll just feel pressured to have sex with her when she wants, which will just make feel like garbage afterwards. Then, when 3 months is up, I feel it would be even harder to break it off because the relationship will be almost a year old at that point.

So I'm at the point where I want to break up with B as soon as I can, but I'm afraid of how it will impact my relationship with A. They both live together and my other partner has been quick to run to the defense of B when it comes to C, so I don't know how to handle this situation. Also, even if A remains neutral about everything I personally feel I need some space from B. Do I tell A that I'm planning on breaking up with B see what they have to say and then break up with B or do I just break up B and see how things play out? Also I'm unsure of how to get them apart to break the news to B, as they live in a small apartment together and last time I IMed B to say I needed to talk they got all concerned and asked questions right then and there and I had to IM the issues to them anyways, something I read is not a good idea for breaking up.

I'm just so shy and non assertive and a bit socially awkward and not good at navigating complex social situations like this so any advice would help.
 
you were with A and got together several months later with their partner B but now realize the chemistry sucks and they arent respectful toward you in the bedroom. you dont love B and want to break up ASAP.

Both A and B are having unsafe sex with others and have also pressured you into sex which you dont like.

B is now dating a sex offender who attacked your now partner C?


this whole situation sounds completely messed up and even if you do dump B you will have to deal with having them in your personal circle. What I would do is break up with both A (because they are having unsafe sex AND dont respect your boundaries) and B since they both seem really shady and I would start looking for a new roommate since it sounds like B at least will still have access to your home (unless she is willing to agree not to bring B over when you are home)
 
You are surrounded by toxic people and trying to figure out what you're doing wrong - but you aren't doing anything wrong!

If I were you, I'd dump both A and B, and take a break from relationships for a while. Develop and strengthen your own personal boundaries and only get involved with people who respect you and your boundaries.
 
you were with A and got together several months later with their partner B but now realize the chemistry sucks and they arent respectful toward you in the bedroom. you dont love B and want to break up ASAP.

Both A and B are having unsafe sex with others and have also pressured you into sex which you dont like.

B is now dating a sex offender who attacked your now partner C?


this whole situation sounds completely messed up and even if you do dump B you will have to deal with having them in your personal circle. What I would do is break up with both A (because they are having unsafe sex AND dont respect your boundaries) and B since they both seem really shady and I would start looking for a new roommate since it sounds like B at least will still have access to your home (unless she is willing to agree not to bring B over when you are home)

I think there is a misunderstanding here. All the issues above are in regards to B not A. Sorry if my explanation was confusing. A is actually quite sweet but I think they have confidence issues themselves, and hasn't had the best of luck with dating in the past, and that is what is keeping them in a relationship with B. To be fair, I've been thinking about their relationship with B too, and I think A is in a similar situation to me, being mistreated B, but hasn't come to conclusion that that is not normal or healthy for a relationship. I feel partially responsible for this as there was a long moment in time I was not always able to be present in their life, due to recovering from my trauma and from going through a major surgery.

You are surrounded by toxic people and trying to figure out what you're doing wrong - but you aren't doing anything wrong!

If I were you, I'd dump both A and B, and take a break from relationships for a while. Develop and strengthen your own personal boundaries and only get involved with people who respect you and your boundaries.

A and C both respect my boundaries and limits and check in with me. I am not having issues, personally, with either of them. It's only B that is the problem.
 
But you said you and A also have issues, and that you're hesitant to break up with B because of what A will do or say, or that A will defend B. If you're afraid of breaking off one relationship due to fallout from someone else you're involved with, I'd say there is a big problem with both of them.
 
is A having unprotected sex with B who is having unprotected sex with all sorts of people? you keep saying they and them they pressured you into sex, they are having unprotected sex
 
Sorry, I've been using gender neutral pronouns to describe the involved parties. My bad. It's a habit of mine. Almost everything above is describing B not A.

But, yeah, A is having unprotected sex with B, something that would have to be addressed and discussed.
 
If I'm reading the OP correctly, I think the they/them is a neutral pronoun for just B, not referring to A and B together?

I think you should definitely break up with B, and it may be helpful to talk to A about it ahead of time. A could help in getting you some private time to break up with B, and I think you also need to discuss with A how your relationship will work after you and B break up. Since they're together, and also living together, that will greatly impact how and where and when you and A are able to spend time, and you will also want to discuss safer sex expectations with A, since that is a problem with B.

If A reacts negatively to your breakup with B, it may be time to part ways with A also, at least for a time. If A is having similar issues with B, but not ready to deal with it, then A might not be a healthy person to have in your life at this time. It also might be too difficult to date A when that continually brings B into your life. You're still healing, and you need to surround yourself with supportive folks.

I think waiting 3 months is a bad idea. I don't see this as an NRE issue with C, but more of the straw that broke the camel's back. All these other things were already happening with B, and the stuff with C might just have been the push you needed to finally be done with the bad behavior.

Good luck, and I hope things turn out well for you! :)
 
Perhaps you could use nicknames/pseudonyms for A, B and C. Because in your current post it is very hard, almost impossible to fallow your situation so it is hard for people to give you advice.
 
Just way to many initials to follow what's going on. Even trying to figure it out by reading the replies makes me go cross eyed.
 
Don't tell anyone you're planning on breaking up and see what they think. Give A a little warning immediately beforehand if you think it will be helpful to A, but if you're done with B, A's reaction is irrelevant. Tell B you're done, and remember that you don't owe B (or anyone) any explanation for your choice to no longer be in the kind of relationship you've been in. Time doesn't give people rights over you. Nothing does. If you can be in a place that feels emotionally safe to you, offer whatever explanations you will, but don't let it become a bargaining or adjudicating session. No one has to be proclaimed right, wrong, bad, justified -- no one even has to be heard out in a breakup. You are allowed to say "I don't want a relationship with you right now" and have done with it. Analysis of what went wrong or why it didn't work is for non-toxic, well-meaning people. You have not described B as such.

You don't want to be with B. So end it. Deal with fallout with A when you come to that bridge. Do not be manipulated or shamed into justifying yourself or opening yourself up to judgement. DO NOT stay three months with a partner who uses you for sex when you don't want it, just to satisfy your poly expert roommate. Let your relationships stand (or fall) on their own. You may be awash in NRE for C. Irrelevant to the need to be away from B. Get away from B. Please.
 
Hi pandoradawn,

I'm going to vote for the simplest course of action possible. So, simply break up with B. If A asks to talk to you after the fact, you can discuss it with A then. But it's not like you need A's go-ahead before you break up with B.

If you're having sex with A and will continue to do so, use safe sex practices due to A's contact with B. Also, don't meet up with A in any setting where you'll have to cross paths with B. If A and B are living together, then ask A to come over to your place, rather than you coming over to A's place.

Try to find a new place to live. Your current roommate isn't helping you and isn't being supportive. You need to surround yourself with supportive people. Can you move in with C?

Continue to pursue your new relationship with C. If there's any reason to do otherwise, we don't know of any such reason yet. Not that you should throw caution to the wind, but so far C seems like a good fit.

I wouldn't try to break up with B in person. Too much potential drama. Instead, write B a (polite) letter explaining that you need to break up, that you wish to end contact, and send the letter via snail mail. If B wants to show the letter to A, that's a choice B can make.

Other than that I would cease all contact with B, because B has been (and continues to be) a toxic influence in your life. Again, emphasis on surrounding yourself with as many supportive people as possible. If A objects to your break-up with B, then take a break from A as well. Don't let your naysayers have access to you.

I don't think there's any need to wait around before breaking up with B. What you've described in this thread suffices (in my opinion) for you to go ahead with the break-up. Do it as quickly, simply, and cleanly as possible.

Think about what influences would be positive and healing in your life, and bring those influences into your life. Think about what influences are negative and hurtful in your life, and remove those influences from your life. Then go on living: your life, your way.

I hope everything will turn out okay.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Nicknames instead of initials would be helpful here, as would not calling a single individual "they" because that makes me assume you're talking about more than one person. If you feel you need a gender neutral pronoun at least choose something singular.

Break up with B, state your reasons why, and stick to your guns. Who cares what the other members of your configuration say? If it means less time for you with A, so be it. And why is C still hanging around someone who sexually assaulted her once? Something seems really wrong with this whole dynamic.

I have been working on my own boundary issues when it comes to sex. Like you, I have been known to let people do things to me I'm not comfortable with. It's almost like during sex I go into a submissive trance-state of some sort and lose my power to say no. I, too have subjected myself to rough sex and unsafe sex I didn't really want. When you were raped, someone took away your power, but you need to know that in this case, you have the power to say no. Use it loud and proud.
 
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