He wants to be in love

sweetness

New member
Hello everyone,
I come here looking for answers to all kinds of deep issues related to the mono poly relationship I am in.
My first concern is that I seem to read more about poly being about having another "sexual" partner. For my Man, it's about having someone else to be in love [/B]with, a full fledged, loving and sexual relationship. I believe that I have always handled it much better when it was someone he just wanted to have sex with, a friend with benefits kind of thing. However, his ultimate goal is to find that third to join our existing relationship and for us all to live happily ever after.
He is with someone else right now that he feels is the idea woman for him, um for us. I am struggling terribly. I am not sure if it's jealousy alone, or just the plain simple fact that I like what he and I have together and I don't want to change it. In saying that, I will add that I love him with all my heart and truly care about his happiness.
We are in our forties, not a time in my life when I want to make any huge changes, be it ending the relationship or inviting some one else in.
Is there anyone who has dealt with a similiar situation that can offer me some insight please?
 
Hi Sweetness.

I won't even go into this from an advice point of view. I am way to polarized and self assured in my opinion....not to mention emotional. I do however wish you the absolute best and sincerely hope you do what is best for you as well as him. Don't let a fear of change, big or small, make you deny what will keep you happy for the long term.
Take care
 
Thanks

Thanks for that. Others have actually said the same to me, but it's usually accompanied by, "do whats best for yourself and get out of a situation that is making you unhappy." I know that's not what YOU said, however. Bottom line is that I am not happy, but I am most definently in love with this man and have been for the last seven years. We have a life, a home, everything together, alot invested and I love my life and my home as well as him. I just have a hard time coming to terms with sharing that.:confused:
 
Just to be clear, this should not be about maintaining your house or external stuff. They are great to hide behind, I know I did it for many years and it lead to disaster. It's about the health of your heart and mind..just take care of yourself please and be honest in what that means:)
 
My first concern is that I seem to read more about poly being about having another "sexual" partner. For my Man, it's about having someone else to be in love [/B]with, a full fledged, loving and sexual relationship.

Um...no. Swinging is being about finding new sex partners. Polyamory is about finding new relationships. I don't know where you've been reading, though I can say you've been misinformed.

He is with someone else right now that he feels is the idea woman for him, um for us. I am struggling terribly. I am not sure if it's jealousy alone, or just the plain simple fact that I like what he and I have together and I don't want to change it. In saying that, I will add that I love him with all my heart and truly care about his happiness.

Well, an essential part of any relationship--mono or poly, open or closed--is the ability to communicate. Have you told him what you've told us? If it doesn't work for you, it's not gonna work at all. If it's not something you want to do, then it's not gonna work.

If he insists on pursuing it in the face of your objections, then the message is clear--he wants her (in particular) or he wants to be poly more than he wants to be mono with you. There may be change just around the bend that you can't avoid.

In any case, I can only recommend that you sit down and talk to him. Listen to why he wants this and what he thinks it will add to his life and yours. Then explore--in detail!--your objections to it and how those can be accommodated or not with a poly life. It is only when both of you have shared (in detail) your desires and expectations that you can reach a decision as to what to do.

And then, each of you can only decide for yourselves what to do. He may decide poly isn't viable because of your concerns. You may decide it's OK. He may decide he wants to move on because he wants to be poly more than he wants to stay involved in a mono relationship. There's no way to tell without doing the work necessary to find out.

Painful as it sounds, that's how things seem to work best. Getting involved in any intimate bond involves sharing what's on your mind, freely and honestly. It also means listening to him share what's on his mind, despite how painful it may be to hear it.

Keep in mind that we're rooting for you to find a happy ending!
 
yes we talk...

I apoligize for making it sound like He and I do not communicate. Yes we do talk in depth about how I feel about all this. And yes Him letting go of his poly desires is something that he painfully considers. My issue is that I know how deeply he wants that and I fear that He will be unhappy if he doesn't have it. I do not want Him to be unhappy.

And yes I do know the difference between swinging and poly. Perhaps my post made me sound a bit of a novice. I maintain however that any forum I visit and any research that I have done on jealousy in poly relationships, almost always focuses on the sexual aspect. Very seldom do I come upon anything that addresses the insecurity that comes with shareing a man's heart and head space.
 
I think what set off alarm bells is that he is trying to fix you up with someone he likes. I have found that trying to force a triad may lead to instability. Triads are hard to maintain because everyone has to change in the same direction in life. Or else one relationship weakens to where it would want to be a V (vee), yet people try to keep it a triad.

If you do pursue this, then approach the relationship with her separately and let it evolve into what feels comfortable. Maybe a friend, maybe a lover, maybe just an acquaintance.

As for jealousy, one thing I have found is it is good to recognize it as a legitamate emotion which may tell you something deeper about yourself. It may be envy, insecurity or a bad association. For example, maybe you are worried he likes her best for one of her attributes. Understand it is insecurity and then talk to him about it. he can try to reassure you by telling what attributes about you that he likes.

I wish you well.
 
can I interject a bit in here too please?

what I'm mainly concerned over in this is it sounds to me like your fella is interested in you and this other gal hitting it off come hell or high water, and there is so many issues with that. Firstly, its YOU whom decides who you choose to have a relationship with, not your SO. Secondly, why can't you two just be friends? If he likes her, great, why does that mean you have to? and another thing, if he wants a relationship with her, why does that necessarily mean she gets to move in?

It seems to me that he really needs to back off and let you and this other gal meet and form whatever you will, be it freindship, something more or even something less. And unless you both had some previous aggreement stating someone else would eventually be joining your relationship and moving in, I think that is simply way tooo fast and too early of thinking to be having.

Sit him down, talk to him. Sounds like you wouldn't mind him being poly, but you don't wanna live with the other person and you don't wanna forced to love them as well. Nothing wrong with that. or if I totally misread what you said there, and it is him being poly that you mind, you may have to let him go. It seems he's quite intot his other person if he's all wanting them to move in. Talk it out, make sure everyone is saying exactly what they mean, decide what exactly you do and don't want, and don't let him assume things are okay. Maybe he simply meant eventually when you find the right person he wants them in your lifes totally, eventually he wants you and the other person to be involved too. Go talk.
 
to Vampiresscammy

....We have talked and continue to talk about all this so that in itself I know is a good thing. I have met her, and honestly she is a nice person. That doesn't mean I want to change my life to accomodate her or any other woman, however. He states that He is not moving fast with this, that He does want to give it time, but that His ultimate goal is for us all to live together. That is not my ultimate goal.
In addition, she is not a lifestyle submissive woman, but rather a nurturing and pleasing vanilla chick, who happens to be 18 years younger than me. She comes to this new experience (for her) with a great deal of idealism that I have long sense lost over the years.
 
....We have talked and continue to talk about all this so that in itself I know is a good thing. I have met her, and honestly she is a nice person. That doesn't mean I want to change my life to accomodate her or any other woman, however. He states that He is not moving fast with this, that He does want to give it time, but that His ultimate goal is for us all to live together. That is not my ultimate goal.
In addition, she is not a lifestyle submissive woman, but rather a nurturing and pleasing vanilla chick, who happens to be 18 years younger than me. She comes to this new experience (for her) with a great deal of idealism that I have long sense lost over the years.

okay, okay, this is beginning to come together a little for me now, I think you left out a few important parts for us here to help or offer advice

if you two have a bdsm relationship, than yes I can see where that makes things much more complicated. especially if she is not into that or doesn't know you two are. this could be a huge potential issue. have you and he discussed sharing that aspect of what you have with others? do you yourself want to share that part of what you have? maybe he is hoping he can change her mind and get her to try it out. or perhaps he likes just having that with you. I can totally see where sharing that part of what you have with someone else might be very upsetting. I'd consider this aspect of a relationship entirely seperate from being poly, and I'd suggest making seperate rules/guidelines/desires known seperately.

the age thing, well, perhaps with more time it won't make such a difference, or if this other person just isn't right for you, then you should simply let your fella know she is not for you, and find some way for him to be with her, but you to not be with her.

whatever you do, it really sounds alot like you need more itme to get to know this person more and more assurance from your fella about all the particulars in your relationship, and what exactly he is and is not interested in sharing, and then he needs to listen to your needs/desires and concerns and reassure you that you are not loosing anything, and possibly not gaining anythign in certain areas if you wish not to as well.

i hope you can get things settled and make sure what your wanting is what he has in mind. good journies hun, may you find all the answers you seek soon.
 
This helps

@Vampirescammy Honestly we do have somewhat seperate rules for poly vs. bdsm. And we are an old school, more traditional bdsm couple by the way. By that I mean we aren't frequenting the area play parties and scening on a regular. It seems we have reached a place of comfortable understanding of our roles in the relationship and things flow quite nicely in that area. The poly area is a whole different story. While some may look at my willingness to go along with it as a part of my submission, He and i do not see it that way really. We acknowledge that it is a challangeing area for me and address it outside of the D/s dynamic for the most part.

Yes she knows of the D/s dynamic in our relationship. I do think that her nurturing tendencies may be misleading him to think that she has subbie potential. I have told Him that one doesn't necessary lead to the other. What can I say, the Man has hope! *smiles* Regardless He is willling to be with her either way.

Our dialogue has been very open and flowing, these past few days especially. I appreciate this venue to be able express myself and hear some other thoughts other than my own on this and think it has helped me sort my ideas before presenting them to him, which has made for better communication.:eek:
 
I would highly recommend that he pull himself back and live in the present for a fair bit more with this. If he is doing everything with one future goal in mind he will probably miss the beauty of the moment that you are comfortable with I think. Getting caught up in the future can be scary and is obviously causing you some degree of discomfort.

Be firm in your stance. That is your home as much as it is his. No one should be allowed to enter it unless you both agree to it. If this pushes each of you to an impasse then so be it. That is much better than living in an environment you don't feel comfortable and healthy in. 18 years younger, idealistic, hasn't experienced a lot. I can completely understand some of your concerns. I wonder if he would be as anxious to have a similar lover for you move in?

Best wishes
 
@MonoVCPHG...
Impasse is a very accurate word, but at least we do have an open dialouge, so that helps. I have asked Him how he would feel about things if they were reversed, and as always, there is absolutely no way whatsoever that He can imagine shareing me with anyone. I am the mono one in this relationship and it has always been that way and He doesn't see that ever changing.
He won't move her in if I am not ok with it. I know this much. The problem is my not being ok with it. I so agree with appreciateing the moment we are living in. Perhaps he is bored and needs to be always planning ahead.
 
@Vampirescammy Honestly we do have somewhat seperate rules for poly vs. bdsm. And we are an old school, more traditional bdsm couple by the way. By that I mean we aren't frequenting the area play parties and scening on a regular. It seems we have reached a place of comfortable understanding of our roles in the relationship and things flow quite nicely in that area. The poly area is a whole different story. While some may look at my willingness to go along with it as a part of my submission, He and i do not see it that way really. We acknowledge that it is a challangeing area for me and address it outside of the D/s dynamic for the most part.

Yes she knows of the D/s dynamic in our relationship. I do think that her nurturing tendencies may be misleading him to think that she has subbie potential. I have told Him that one doesn't necessary lead to the other. What can I say, the Man has hope! *smiles* Regardless He is willling to be with her either way.

Our dialogue has been very open and flowing, these past few days especially. I appreciate this venue to be able express myself and hear some other thoughts other than my own on this and think it has helped me sort my ideas before presenting them to him, which has made for better communication.:eek:


Being nuturing in gneral, and being submissive in a sexual play style are two very different things. I hope he realizes this soon or he may be very disappointed.

It really sounds like you simply need to ask him to please slow things down a bit and let you get used to all of this and move forward when your ready. Remind him that doesn't mean a total stop, if your happy with things progressing, just slower is all.

Good luck :)
 
Back
Top