Advice Badly Needed!

blackirish

New member
Hey guys,

I could really use some advice on my poly relationship. I appreciate any feedback. Here goes:

My best friend of over 20 years is poly and into BDSM. My best friend also happens to be the man who took my virginity when we were in high school. After that, we couldn't stop. We carried on a sexual relationship for well over 10 years. There was always another woman in his life and while I was deeply in love with him, I never knew how he felt about me. Mostly because I was too chicken to ask. Our sexual relationship stopped when I got married. Out of respect for my husband and the closeness of our relationship, he began referring to me as his sister. I was still mono at the time and we both respected that boundary. I never fell out of love with him however.

I have recently gotten divorced. He was there for me and helped through this tough time in my life. His long term relationship also just ended. We reconnected in a big way and it is as if no time has passed. Now that I am out of a mono marriage, I have discovered that I am also poly and he has helped me guide me through this as well. Our sex life is amazing for lack of a better word. I am head over heels for this man. He continues to call me his sister. Friends with benefits which is too shallow for what we share and we have known each other far to long to be considered dating. He lives in another state but we have managed to see each other every month for the last six months.

Over the last month, I feel our relationship has shifted towards something more romantic (maybe I'm imagining it??). He is dating another girl whom I adore however, I have expressed the need to be his primary. After 20 years, I feel we have reached that stage. My problem is this: even after asking him point blank how he feels, he has not verbally stated that he is ready to take a step together as a poly couple. He has made a few comments about my being his best friend and lover in conjunction with people in the poly community understanding that you don't come between that while his girlfriend would be approachable since they are just dating. He has made several comments that make me think he feels more for me than just a best friend and lover. I have asked him about meeting other poly couples together and he agreed instantly. My question is this: Is there ever a right time to ask about being a primary? Is there a right way to tell someone you would like to be their primary? I want to continue to date other people and of course I want him to date whomever he pleases but he is the person I want to wake up to every day. Any advice would be SO appreciated!! Thank you!

Irish
 
Personally I feel that poly relationships encourage open, honest, frank communication from the get go. Everyone needs to know where they stand and the sooner that conversation occurs with whatever the issue, the better... Best to get the facts straight before getting too emotionally entangled to then be upset or disappointed down the line because things weren't clear from the beginning. Unclear issues lead to blurry lines and unformed boundaries which could be manipulated or crossed in genuine naivete simply because things weren't clear... either way it can be destructive.

I dont think there's ever a "right time" for any such conversations as they can feel a little awkward, as usually its things we brush under the carpet or take for granted (in mono relationships we never question hierarchy as we assume we're always number 1!)

Be clear with each other and know where you stand to keep things in balance. I dont know much about poly, but I do know that having the freedom and respect to ask pretty much anything (if the intention is right!) then this helps so so much.

Wishing you the best :)
 
Hi blackirish,

When you say primary, it sounds like you mean living together. If that's true, then at least one of you needs to move so that you're living in the same state. Is this something you can do? Have you talked to him about it?

I hope the two of you get things worked out and have a lovely poly relationship together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey Kevin,

I definitely would love to live together. We have discussed him moving to my state. It would be easier since I have two small children. He hasn't made a decision but at least it's not off the table. Thank you for the encouragement! It is greatly appreciated!

Irish
 
Hi Lola!

Thank you for the well wishes! I agree 100% that communication is key. Perhaps I am not verbalizing my needs as well as I think I am. I'm also wondering if maybe a frank conversation is what is needed. It can't be worse than me fumbling around and making assumptions. Thanks again for the advice! I hope you have a wonderful evening!

Irish
 
I would try and avoid bundled thinking. Break it down. Write it out on paper if that would help. What terms are you looking for or hoping for right now? What would you be willing to settle for if he is not on board?

Instead of saying "primary" and figuring everyone knows what that means, break it down.

You want/do not want veto power.
You want/do not want to live together.
You want/do not want to eventually marry.
You would/would not consider babymaking.

Just as examples...and then what if he isn't on board with any of that? Would you continue as you are, or do you NEED more definition?

Thing is some folks assume that what poly looks like is a preexisting couple that has "opened" and has secondary partners. That is not always what poly looks like. Relationship anarchy, non-hierarchical poly, solo poly, etc etc...there are tons of possibilities and no set template. I like to say we're all just making it up as we go...but I also feel that way about life in general.

When I was involved with a quad, I felt that I was doing non-hierarchical solo poly, but the man I first began dating thought that we were one another's primaries. We really weren't on the same page in what we wanted or could do with one another. And my thinking was in more of a gradient with infinite possibilities...his was a bit more black & white. This disconnect in communication and understanding and expectation was a huge problem, and I'd advise anyone to try and avoid such issues...and there is only one way. Know thyself, and then communicate honestly with thy partner.
 
I want to continue to date other people and of course I want him to date whomever he pleases but he is the person I want to wake up to every day.

I'd focus on talking with him directly about this and not get into all that primary/secondary stuff. You want to have a domestic relationship with him. Is he interested in the same? Seems to me that's really what you want to ask him about.
 
He lives in another state but we have managed to see each other every month for the last six months.

So, maybe one weekend a month? Out of 30 days, only 3 or so? And now you want more, you want him to move to your state, town, and to cohabitate? Say that.

Something to think about: is it wise to go from being married to another man until quite recently, to moving in lock stock barrel --and kids (!) with your friend? Much conversation and planning is needed. Are you sure you are compatible as roommates? How do you plan to handle finances? Would he need to find a new job? How does he feel about kids, and your kids, and being a stepdad?

Be specific. This "asking to be primary" is so formless and blobby right now.

Over the last month, I feel our relationship has shifted towards something more romantic (maybe I'm imagining it??).

You're doing way too much speculating and not nearly enough asking and telling! Why are you so "chicken" after 20 years? Are you really so afraid of the answer, fearful of outright rejection, if you so much as state your desires?

He is dating another girl whom I adore. However, I have expressed the need to be his primary. After 20 years, I feel we have reached that stage. My problem is this: even after asking him point blank how he feels, he has not verbally stated that he is ready to take a step together as a poly couple.

Oh, so you have asked, and he has waffled? He hasn't told you one way or the other if he wants to be roommates as well as bffs and lovers? Have you considered you are fairly recently divorced? Have you asked him to decide, and not leave you hanging? Have you told him how you feel about his indecision?

In this day and age, asking someone to live together is similar to asking them to marry you. Imagine asking someone to marry you, and they say, "Ohhh, I don't know." And you continue to visit them and fuck them, but you have no idea why they won't decide one way or the other. That would be hard to live with.

Better to say, Yes! Let's move in! Or, No! Let's break up, so you can find another man to live with. Or, Let's continue to date, keep the status quo of a few days a month. Or, (compromise) I will move near you, but maintain my own residence. That way we can see each other more, but I can preserve my independence (and not become a stepfather to your kids), which I prefer.

He has made a few comments about my being his best friend and lover in conjunction with people in the poly community understanding that you don't come between that...

What does that mean? He has told other men not to fuck you because you're his? Or, something else...? Is that acceptable to you? I thought you were poly?

... while his girlfriend would be approachable since they are just dating.

Odd. Why can't you women decide yourselves whether or not you are "approachable?" What kind of couple privilege, or ownership attitude is this?

He has made several comments that make me think he feels more for me than just a best friend and lover.

What is this category of "more than best friend and lover?" You're looking for some greater commitment. Him saying "I love you"? Him saying, "I need to be with you 24/7, let's move in together"? How about you say those things, and then gauge his reaction? Speak up. And don't accept him leaving you hanging.

It's not unheard of to tell someone, I love you, and have that scare them off. Be sure he understands what love means to you. If he is scared off, maybe he's not worthy of your love. Maybe he's an immature manchild. Maybe he is incapable of mature love and any kind of commitment.

I have asked him about meeting other poly couples together and he agreed instantly.

So? Do you mean just socialising, or foursome sex? How is this seen by you as some kind of comment on his degree of commitment? Just sounds like swinging or socialising to me.

My question is this: Is there ever a right time to ask about being a primary? Is there a right way to tell someone you would like to be their primary? I want to continue to date other people and of course I want him to date whomever he pleases, but he is the person I want to wake up to every day.

The right time is when you want to ask. "Honey, I want to live with you. I'd love to get a place together and be a family, while continuing to both practice poly. Can you tell me if this is also your desire?"


Communicate, communicate, communicate!
 
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