Monogamous relationship, cheated on wife now moving in gf

Abfran

New member
I don't really know where to start. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We have had a great relationship. We had our second son in February and I went through postpartum depression. During that time I didn't touch my husband I didn't show him affection, love, and sex was very scarce. Well during that time he did not feel any affection he seeked it out he worked at a department store working on the side of his real job and he found this girl who showed him affection and they developed a relationship. He said it was more than sex they develop feelings for each other and knew it was time to tell me. This was four months later. I just found out September 23rd and while he told me he wanted to know if we can continue this relationship while he has his relationship with her. So I'm guessing it's kind of like polyamory? He wants me to stay in this relationship after he betrayed me so he can have both of us. He says he always sees it working when he would think about it during the four months period. He sees it logically, that she could help out with cleaning, the bills, with the boys, and such. he said we have gotten better in the past couple of months me and him on a relationship basis and he doesn't want to see me go. It's hard for me though because I told him I would try to work this out because even though I don't believe in cheating I've always told him I would go if he cheated on me but I'm too much in love with him and he says he's in love with me But he also loves her. We have two kids involved in this. He said that he wants to see this relationship work all together and he wants her moved in by January. I told him he's moving kind of fast for me but I'm still not over the fact that he cheated on me and now he wants me to accept this girl as part of our relationship. I'm not really sure where to go from here or how I should go or if I should leave if I should stay I know I love him, and I don't even know if this is the right forum to be asking this on but I don't have anyone else that I can talk to about this. I want to see it work because I want him happy but he keeps saying everything will be equal and I don't believe it should be because I'm the one married to this man she came in not me. So I guess any advice maybe? Anything would be appreciated because like I said this is very shameful to me and I don't want anyone knowing and he he has even mentioned kids if it makes her happy I want to be happy and give her that and that is very hard for me to hear when I thought the past seven years have been wonderful. So I'm not really sure how to think. I blow up at him sometimes and he gets mad at me but I don't know how i should feel... don't know where to go or how to do this. Any advice would be appreciated.

Could this work long term, with how it started out? I'm completely heartbroken-this is something we both agreed is not right, and now he's changed his stance on that..

Let me also say, I don't judge anyone on this lifestyle. I just know as a couole, we agreed it wasn't for us.
 
The chance of this situation working is about a snowball's chance in hell.

This is NOT polyamory. This is a selfish man who cheated who now wants to move a strange woman into your home with your children. She could be bat shit crazy and hate kids for all that he knows.

Run screaming from this whole situation.
 
Moving in together after only 4 months is crazy, even if you were talking about two completely single people stating a traditionally monogamous relationship.

He cheated on you. Why should you trust him? Has he given you any indication of why he expects your support for this rather than to be firmly shown the door?
 
Honestly I love him. I would do anything for him, and he knows that. I don't think he's taking me for granted, he just says it feels like something he is suppose to do. It feels right. He said he thought I would leave, but he didn't want me too, and he would fight for me. He said he feels like he has enough love for both. I don't know.
 
If he loves you and wants to rebuild trust, the first thing I would think he needs to do is forget the idea of moving his coworker into your home for the forseeable future. I don't imagine you would let him move someone in that you don't know and feel comfortable with even if she was not his partner in cheating.

You love him and want to help him be a good partner to you as he was before. He broke a well established part of your marriage agreement. What can he do to make amends? Contemplate your own feelings and standards then advise him how he can show he will not break agreements again. You would be justified in asking him to cease anything but professional contact with his partner in cheating. If you are willing you could ask him to greatly reduce contact while he proves that he can be trusted to keep agreements. If he has neglected any of his share of home responsibilities you certainly could ask him to put his mind back on what you and the children need from him.

It is likely that this is an infatuation that is not well thought out. Never-the-less it sounds like happy New Relationship chemicals are flooding his system so he may have trouble staying rational about this. If the thought of all that he could be throwing away by his poor choices does not dissipate that some he will have withdrawal to get through. You can sympathize with his pain but he has to know you are not inflicting it on him. It will be his choice in order to regain your trust.

No matter your depression's effect on him, he is the one that made bad decisions and kept making them for months on end. You and he might want to think on that fact.

Leetah
 
I'm sorry.

Your husband has much to learn. Not everything that feels good is always the best choice.
Remember first teenage experiments with sexual arousal? Did you have those moments when your body said yes, but your head said enough? Was it nice to just let go, and hard to really say no? Did you feel overwhelmed by the unknown positive feelings - and then perhaps guilty the next day?
It's kind of like this with your husband now. His love, new and old, just feels sooooo gooooood. He wants to just let go, just do whatever his feelings tell him to.
In my experience it is the desire of the "hinge", the person who loves two people, to have them come together and be with him both because... he loves them! what's their problem? Except it rarely works out that smoothly. People are jealous, don't get along that well, or just simply prefere their privacy.
It's kinda hard to really use empathy when newly overwhelmed with "love", because the devide in feelings is so great. Anyone who want's to be successful as the hinge has to learn to slow down and be there for their current partners.

Having said that - none of this is an excuse. Your husband has broken agreements, hurt you, and isn't seeking any ways to make amends.
The extreme to which your husband goes lacks any kind of moral integrity. You've agreed it's wrong to have afairs, then he has one, and then he expects you to just be ok with what he want's? He can't possibly have good relationship(s) when behaving like that.
He may have enough love for both, but he hasn't go the trustworthiness and the skills and, most importantly, your joyful consent to be a hinge in a polyamorous relationship. He's just cheated, he should be repairing trust, which will be kind of hard while moving in his new girlfriend.

Get all the help you can get. Marriage counseling, individual counseling.
It is ok to need monogamy. Don't do "anything" for him. Love yourself first and don't do things which might couse you longterm unhappyness.
 
I understand. He says this girl helped him through a part that I didn't help him with. I withdrew from him (I seriously think it was pod, because other than that time, I have always shown him love and affection). So I think he may feel a responsibility towards her? Maybe? I don't know. She seems like a nice girk, I have met her twice, but she is so young (19, he's 31). He says age is nothing to him. We've talked, I don't know it's just very hard. I told him I wanted to work on us but he says he can't stop talking to her, cause then they would have to work on problems. Or something like that. I wanted counseling. He don't believe in it and knows what they would tell me. I LOVE this man. He knows I would be willing to give anything up for him. And it's going to be this. I would hate to see him upset.

I want us to work. I have asked him to stop woth her, and work on us, and he wont. I don't know why. But he wont. I told him I would help fill the void of he got rid of her
I would try everyday to make sure he's loved and help fill the heartbreak she has left, just so I can have just him.... but he wont.
 
I'm still not over the fact that he cheated on me and now he wants me to accept this girl as part of our relationship. I'm not really sure where to go from here or how I should go or if I should leave if I should stay

I am sorry you deal with this. :(

I think you could follow through and leave. You said if he cheated you would leave. He has cheated. So you leave.

You might love him. But he doesn't seem to love you. He is using the fact that you love him to try get you to do stuff you don't really want to do. That is NOT kind or loving behavior toward you. It is manipulative/bullying. :mad:

This is NOT polyamory. This is trying to whitewash a cheating affair with a "poly brush." Polyamory is also not "cheating proof." People can cheat on their polyamory agreements also. I'd be leery of making new agreements with a person who cheated on his old agreements. Not a trustworthy person.

You have worth, dignity, and value. You deserve to be treated well. If he will not treat you well? I hope YOU choose to treat you well and decline this new offer because there's nothing good or healthy about it for you.

Let me repeat back what I understand so I know I got it right. You correct me if I am wrong.

  • You had a baby in Feb. You suffered with postpartum depression. As a result of illness, your sex life took a dive.
  • Rather than show loving behavior by being patient, sympathetic, and empathetic? Help through your illness? You husband chose to abandon you and have a cheating affair.
  • Then 4 mos later he tells you he is "in love" with his 19 yr old cheating partner and wants to move her in by January and have kids with her.
  • He's trying to sell this as a good idea because then you will get a "babysitter/maid."
  • He wants you to remain with him while he moves in his cheating partner.

To me? He says he loves you, but his ACTIONS are less than loving.

  • You have always told him you would go if he cheated.
  • You did not agree to this and do not seem to want this

So I think you could say “No, thank you. This new offer is very different from the original marriage offer I agreed to. I prefer to part ways. I do not want poly. So you go be poly with your new GF. Leave me out of it.”

I LOVE this man. He knows I would be willing to give anything up for him. And it's going to be this. I would hate to see him upset.

Why do you fear seeing him upset? Does he hurt you or hit you when he is upset? :(

I am sorry to hear you are thinking about giving up your own peace of mind and well being for him to have his way at your expense. That's not you loving YOU very well. Self neglect is not self respecting behavior. :(

I wish you would not let your soft feelings for him lead you on a path to self neglect. This guys sounds dangerous to love up close because loving him HURTS. Love is not supposed to hurt. :(

I want us to work. I have asked him to stop woth her, and work on us, and he wont. I don't know why. But he wont. I told him I would help fill the void of he got rid of her I would try everyday to make sure he's loved and help fill the heartbreak she has left, just so I can have just him.... but he wont.

So he's not interested in working anything out.

I suspect he might ENJOY you begging him to dump her because it makes him feel puffed up and powerful.

I fear if you stay in this poor situation you will be signing up for more poor treatment and mind games. I think it would be healthier for you and the children to get away. Do you want them growing up to see how their father treats you poorly? And then move on to treat their own adult partners this poorly?

This is not a loving, healthy relationship right now. I wonder if deep down, you know it. But don't quite want to believe it is happening to you? :(

I urge you to talk to your family and friends and seek help to LEAVE. You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed about. He is the one who cheated and made bad decisions. You do not have to join him on more new bad decisions. You can say NO to his new offer.

Please seek help from people who have YOUR best interests and the children's best interests at heart. He seems to only have HIS interests at heart... and he sounds ok running right over you.

You could seek counseling once gone. So you can learn how to avoid one-sided relationships in future. It is NOT OK to love someone else more than you love yourself.

You have to love you more than you love them. You can love them a whole lot. Even up to 49% of your love. But you have to keep 51% of the love for you. So you do not allow your soft feelings someone else lead you into self damaging choices. You have to be strong enough to say " Look, I love you, but not even for you will I do something like that and hurt myself."

No healthy person would ask you to go against your will and do something you don't want to do. That is not respectful. No healthy person would want you hurt yourself like that to "prove" that you love them. That's not kind and loving behavior.

He is just not sharing anything very loving with you right now. :(

Galagirl
 
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Hi Abfran,

I am thinking that you are torn between your great love for your husband, and the very me-centric way he is treating you. In theory a polyamorous unit can come out of a cheating situation, very difficult in practice but theoretically possible, but the thing is, he needs to be willing to make sacrifices too if he wants you to sacrifice. At the least I would think he could decline to move the other woman into your home, at least until further notice. He could decline to get the other woman pregnant, at least until further notice. It makes me nervous to see him unwilling to bend on any of his demands. I don't know that it can't work out, but I'm worried.

It's such an important decision that you can't trust us strangers on the internet to make the choice for you. You have to decide what to do: stay with him or break up with him. And if you stay with him, will you continue to push for concessions and if so, is there any leverage you can use, and will you use it? All of these are decisions that you have to make. The most we can do on this forum is give various points of perspective. You have to decide if and how to apply that perspective.

I'm sorry you're going through such a heartbreaking experience. You deserve far better.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I don't see where you love HIM so much as the idealized version of what he was or is or could possibly be.
He says age is nothing to him.
:rolleyes: If she were ten years older than him, I'd maybe consider it a little valid. It's like the saying, "When they say 'it's not about the money,' it's about the money."

Abfran, I don't see where it's going to get better. Your SO now knows that he is free to act on his whims, & I don't see where he is going to become more disciplined.

There's LOTS of pie-in-the-sky happening. He's promised you that the gf will "help out." Has he told HER that yet? Has she agreed wholeheartedly to the deal? Would she be a full partner, or a Daddy's Girl getting a free ride?

How would you feel to find that you've agreed to adopt a third child... who also happens to be your husband's primary sexual partner?
 
I'm with the others... That is WAY too soon to consider it under any circumstances, lets alone one where he wants to move a cheating partner in. I know that everyone has their own choices to make, and everyone is certainly entitled to their own preferences... But this is YOUR home too. Don't feel like you owe it to him, or this girl to give up your physical space.

What it sounds like to me, is a whole lot of excuses coming from him, and trying to shift the blame to alleviate his guilt. There may have been a period of time where you were unavailable... The question is, did he say anything to you at the time? Did you ignore him? Did the two of you discuss and agree to him etting some outside stimulation in the meantime? If not... Then it's HIS fault, not yours. And while he may feel some sort of obligation to her for "being there", that doesn't mean that you have that same obligation. He made his bed, he needs to lie in it.

And as far as the age limit... Legally, there may not be a problem. But 19 year olds and 31 year old are at very different places in their lives. They may be pretty and young, and have this fresh positive perspective on life, but they're wildly naive.
 
Tell him to hire a fucking housekeeper if he wants help with cleaning - no mistress wants that shit! What a laugh.

Be realistic, and then kick his ass out and change the locks. Don't be a doormat he can just wipe his shoes on. He's acting like a spoiled brat and you need to find your backbone! What he did gives polyamory a really fucking bad name - I hate to read stories like this. He treated you like dirt, basically. Is that all you deserve?

Wake up!
 
NYCindie summed up my thoughts perfectly. I also want to add, no 19 year old in the history of ever is going to last longer than a month or two living with a newborn infant crying at all hours, a toddler tantrumming because their home-life is disrupted by a stranger, and a depressed wife who is visibly being neglected by her husband - a husband who was meant to be knight in shining armour to everyone, but turns out to just be a fat lazy frog in need of being babied by all around him. That is not the fantasy she's buying into either, so he's deluding himself on a whole bunch of other levels. I bet she doesn't have a clue how unhappy you are with the situation, and if she still wants to move in after knowing so, then that is going to be the very last red flag you see waving before you are in the middle of the firing range with live rounds being aimed your way.
 
..he would fight for me.

....I told him I would help fill the void of he got rid of her. I would try everyday to make sure he's loved and help fill the heartbreak she has left, just so I can have just him.... but he wont.

I agree with the others who say that you deserve much better, so that's a given.

But you must take responsibility for your part in all of this and that is not that you're to blame, but that you have some deep seated (and common, but false) assumptions about what love is. Love is NOT fighting for someone. Love is NOT filling any void at all in another person. Love is NOT making someone feel loved. Love is NOT having someone. All of these attitudes about love are common, but all are based on needing another person to constantly provide what you perceive to be positive feedback in the relationship loop - which is always a precarious situation and basically insecure. Nobody can fill any void in another. Nobody can win another's love. Nobody can get rid of another and thereby get rid of the problem. Nobody can own another person or belong to another person, not truly. All of that, when it authentically happens, is freely offered and given. You are not in any way responsible for your husband's actions here, but you are responsible for your attitudes about what makes for a reliable, enjoyable, stable and loving marital relationship. Having this kind of relationship is never about finding the right person, it's about being the right person. You're learning a lot in this situation and that's all for the good. So learn. Don't look to your husband to be the only one who needs to do all of the growing up here. You've got a lot of work to do, yourself, so that you can have the kind of truly loving, giving, peaceful and monogamous relationship that you want. Your husband may very well be able to be the right partner for you, but you have to change some basic attitudes within yourself as well. It always takes two to tango.
 
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Hi, sorry for not responding sooner. We have decided to make it work. I love him and want to see him haooy, even though it's still new to me. Obviously it's new to us all, and we are trying to work thru things. It's been al.lst 4 weeks since I found out, and since then, things have progressively moved forward. He and I both said I would be the deciding factor, meaning if it came down to it, if she wanted black and I wanted white, he would choose white. Still not 100% he would. He told me.he loves me and doesn't want to see.me go. I don't want to go. We have had several.several . talks, but of course, I'm still hurt and angered by all of this. Real love can go thru rough latches. And this is what this is. If I have to share him, then I will. I don't think it's fair, but I love him. So I'm willing to make this work. Also, I know I am no longer.enough for him. If she were to leave, there will always be that fear that he would go find someone else. At least I'll keep when he isn't in my room, he'll be in hers. She was suppose to move in Jan. Well, parents kicked her out sun so she's been here at the house. Yesterday we went and bought her bedroom set, and they also took away her car, so he went with her today to buy a new one (our name isn't anywhere on the loan) and today everything is moving in. It's alot to take it. I'm willing to learn. Keep me.in your thoughts, prayers, good vibes... anything. Thanks.
 
Abfran, you're a generous person. I hope things work out for you.
 
Yeah, he doesn't want to lose YOU because that would mean paying child support and having to maintain the household. Don't you see that you have, in one fell swoop, given all your agency to this asshat? You are more than welcome to stay to provide childcare, clean house, and cook meals. You need professional counseling ASAP to help you see you deserve to be treated well; not like THIS.
 
I'm just adding to the wishes of good luck.

You seem to have much love and acceptance, not just for your husband, but for that girl. If you feel like staying in this situation is truly the best move for you, I hope you can utilize your love wisely, so that it doesn't drag you down.
 
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