SPORK!!! I've (We've) missed talking with you!
I think you realize that not getting your needs met is the bigger factor than the imaginary firefighter, yes?
Indeed, I do recognize that.
As in, maybe she did NOT in fact feel that she "would never" with coworker? Was that a lie when it was spoken? Why is she being so defensive? Does she feel she cannot speak honesty to you, or does she feel compelled to weave lies to protect herself, is there stuff in her past that made her do this as a defense/safety mechanism, even when there is no danger?
When she told me about the guy telling her that he was interested, she was really afraid. In past relationships, something like that has
always turned into a big fight because the other person essentially blames her. It is not something which makes much sense to FF and I; however, she started to cry in relief when we did not explode that way that she feared that we would.
Is home situation ok? Does she have reasons to not be happy, like maybe place is a big mess or stuff not as happy as it was hoped before you moved in? Like maybe she bit off more than she could chew in this (very hasty) choice for ya'll to move in, and now she's not happy but doesn't know how to step up to face the facts. Being avoidant.
The home life has actually be better than any of us hoped it would. We divided out house chores easily and have all worked together to keep the place up. The only thing that has been more than she can chew is the efforts of her mother. Nukes' mom comes over while we're gone and likes to snoop through her things, usually under the guise of doing laundry for her or something like that. Her mother didn't like us when we became close friends and was not happy when we moved in together.
The plan was as follows:
- Tell her mom that we were temporarily moving in because our A/C went out, and the landlady couldn't fix it for a while and did not have any other places available at this time.
- Tell her mom that we were having trouble finding a place within our budget (because we had a pretty sweet gig) that would allow for our dog, gun safe, etc. about a month in.
- Tell her mom that it was actually nice to have us around and that we were just going to stay because she wanted us to.
What happened though is that her mother very quickly started trying to help us get out of the house faster by searching for places and passing them along to Nukes. Nukes' mother also started to needle her about how we were just taking advantage of her and that if she didn't get us out fast that she might never get rid of us (because if you wait to long then we're essentially squaters in the eyes of the law or something...). The list continues, but what Nukes did not expect is that her mother would rally her grandparents to join in the needling.
So then there is her sleeping with coworker. Why does he come over and do laundry? That also is odd.
Nukes and I met while we were working on our graduate degrees. Nukes was a TA for this guy, supervised him as an undergraduate assistant, and eventually due to restructuring (he switched positions when he graduated this summer...) ended up being more of a mentor rather than a direct supervisor. This is a huge part of the reason that she cited for why she would never in any universe be interested in him. He comes over to do laundry because he still lives in the same place that he did during the last part of his undergrad and does not have a washer and dryer. When she bought this house about a year ago, she started letting him come over to use the facilities so that he didn't have to go pay for a laundromat. She also lets another undergrad come over to use her office when he needs a quite place to study.
And you went and talked to him about ground rules, does that mean she is now out of the closet at work because he knows? Is he now also expected to help maintain the closet? What's up with that?
That is a very good question. Apparently, before she slept with him she told him that we were together and he didn't seem to care much. So since she had already told him and we as a group had decided that she could continue to see him under a set of ground rules, I figured that I would go ahead and make sure that everyone was on the same page. I suppose that he is expected to tow the line... Although, when I went to talk to him he was very apologetic and adamant that he didn't know because he said that she mentioned something about FF and I in the moment and he didn't really think to ask for clarification. Keep in mind that he knew that we were best friends and had moved in, but also thought it was only temporary because that is the story she told to her coworkers as well.
As for her sleeping with him, the act itself...was there alcohol or drugs involved? If not, I would say she lied about being interested in the possibility, to you, and I would wonder why. For some reason she didn't feel ok talking about it to you. Maybe she only wanted a one night stand or casual, and you were talking about "secondary" and whatever, and she felt you might shame her for just wanting to bang the dude.
I honestly don't know whether any substances were involved, I did not ask. Nukes had one one night stand in the past and said that, in spite of the sex being great, it was one of the worst experiences of her life and she would never repeat it. She didn't like the way that it made her feel. The company that she works for is composed of like 10 people... And she is strongly of the opinion that dating or sleeping around within a company is bad, let alone doing so in one as small as the one she works for. For what it is worth, I believe that she was sincere when she said that she had no interest.
Thing is, the #1 Biggest Baddest Problem In The Room is not "she cheated" or "closet" or "firefighter lie." It's not your insecurities or the lack of intimacy going on. What IT is, is COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS.
I completely agree. This is something that we have discussed before because Nukes will at times say what she thinks we want to hear and not what she actually feels. I try to keep an eye on when this happens and call her out on it; however, I would never claim to be perfect.
Be prepared for the possibility that Nukes might not wish to continue in this triad. She might have been passively aggressively trying to end it...without coming right out and creating the confrontation of speaking her mind.
Maybe... That is something that FF and I have been worried about. However, I have given her ample opportunity to end the relationship amicably. When Nukes told me that she had cheated I went and got FF from upstairs and brought her down to be part of the conversation. At that point, the floor was opened for us to voice our opinions as to whether we wanted to try to proceed forward with our relationship. My vote was to stay in the relationship and that I felt that I could forgive. FF was more hesitant and after a little bit said that she would be willing to try and forgive. Nukes spent a lot more time thinking about it and while she was thinking I advised her that if she didn't want to be in the relationship anymore then all she needed to do was say so. Nukes ended up stating that she loved us, didn't want to lose us, and wanted to continue to be our partner.
Later that night after the dinner with her parents and grandparents when she was unraveled, I held her while she was crying. She was certain that the only solution was for us to terminate the triad. As I held her, I told her that the only thing I could ask of her is to make the decision which was best for her. I told her that it was alright if that decision meant terminating the triad and further, that doing so wouldn't change that I love her and that she is one of my best friends; however, that was a choice that she had to make and she would actually have to say it because I wasn't going to do it for her. Over the next 1.5-2 hours this sentiment was reiterated a few times in different ways but every time she started thinking about saying the words she would start to dry heave. She said that she didn't want to end the triad, but couldn't take the disappointment from her grandmothers, felt so bad about how she had hurt us, and was just certain that staying together would only result in her scaring us more.
Her actions have been interpreted as self sabotage or intentionally trying to get us to end the relationship by the few people that we can talk to about it; however, when given ample opportunity to end it, she hasn't done so.