Not sure what this feeling is, but I don't like it

Amethystsparrow

New member
Hello again everyone,

I'm sorry to be so negative and only just have joined, but I've nowhere else to vent that wouldn't come back at me two fold in some way or fashion. I honestly do not know why I feel such unrest, distress and overall this awful feeling but yet I have it. For the past month I have been wanting to sit down and discuss boundaries, serious concerns and other such matters with both my partners, but each time I try Sunshine is having a 'bad day' or Snarky throws a distractive curveball and says " Hey instead lets plan a ceremony!" when we really should not be planning something like this only having started this relationship late September.

Maybe I'm starting to come down from the 'newness high' and really look at things in more serious detail. I was planning on discussing things with both of them tomorrow when Sunshine returned from work, but she messages him ( without letting me know) that she wants him at her place tomorrow night; I usually would be ok with this, but feel disconnected from her and I am so frustrated that this talk keeps getting pushed off, and whenever i mention that it keeps getting pushed off I get groans or exasperation. I have serious concerns that need addressed, for example Sunshine wants a child...I would be ok with this IF our relationship was at least 3 years strong and not in just a " years time" what if this goes south? what if there is a child and this doesn't work?! having been in an awful divorced family situation growing up as a child I know first hand how things go between estranged families, it's terrible and I do not want that for a child! I also want to discuss utilizing protection aside from 'pull out method' but all i hear is complaints about how un-comfy they are.

I honestly say they need to suck it up. I'm getting scared now, things are moving TOO fast and I am terrified things are going to come crashing down. I NEED to have this discussion with them because these are serious issues and the more it gets pushed aside the faster I want to pull the plug. i'll lose my best friend, but at this rate I'd rather that then have everything blow up and a child get in the middle of it. I know she is desperate for her solo time with him, but she is also starting to become too dependent on just 'solo' time instead of being content with group..what on earth should i do? am I just stressing and seeing things out of proportion? or am I waking up and realizing this is a terrible idea if things continue to go so fast?
 
Give YOURSELF a deadline to make the talk happen, make it reasonable without discounting how urgent you find the talk, decide what happens if they fail to show interest by then and have a unilateral plan you will put into action if they fail to engage. And YOU stay true to that, regardless of whether they are with you or not.

That is all I can think of.

It sound pretty concerning that your opinion is not factored in on something as serious as contraception or conception.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

FWIW? I think you identify your feelings clearly. You feel this...

I honestly do not know why I feel such unrest, distress and overall this awful feeling but yet I have it.

...because you want to talk about stuff that is important to you. And both partners have been blowing you off for a month. It's hard to feel valued like that.

I am so frustrated that this talk keeps getting pushed off
whenever i mention that it keeps getting pushed off I get groans or exasperation.
Each time I try Sunshine is having a 'bad day' or Snarky throws a distractive curveball and says " Hey instead lets plan a ceremony!"

Be more assertive.

You: I would like to talk Friday around 8 o'clock. If that doesn't work, what time is good for you?
Sunshine: I am having a bad day.
You: That's ok. I am not talking about today. I am talking about Friday. Does 8 o'clock work? I need a firm time. The last X times I try to set an appointment with you I don't get a firm response.

You: I would like to talk Friday around 8 o'clock. If that doesn't work, what time is good for you?
Snarky: Hey, instead lets plan a ceremony!
You: I hear you want to schedule an appointment with me for a different conversation. We can schedule that as well, but I asked first. I need a firm date for my topic. Then we can set a date for yours. So... how about Friday at 8 o'clock? If that doesn't work, what time is good for you?​

If they agree to talk? Say "Thank you. I appreciate you setting a firm time. I will email the short list of things I want to talk about so we can both come prepared."

Then email your topics:
  • Frustrated you are not being heard. Talk keep getting pushed off.
  • Boundaries
  • Calendar issues -- she invites him to her place with nobody letting you know
  • Feeling disconnected from her/not enough time together
  • Her wanting a child
  • Birth control methods

If they keep going in circles?

You: I see you do not want to talk to me. This keeps going in circles. It has been a month of me trying to be heard and no response. This does not work for me. I don't feel valued like that. I am bowing out and getting off the bus.​

Keep this WAY simpler on yourself. If you feel like you are being taken for a ride? YOU be firm.

You have been ignored for a month with no explanation or firm appointment date. So there's no relating to be had here. It's a one way street with both of them. You can bow out and not deal with this stuff any more because you are tired of it. At least your suffering ends and hopefully in time you can feel better.

I honestly say they need to suck it up.

Possibly. If they care about ALL players feeling ok enough here. Or you need to accept that they don't care that all players feel ok enough here.

You want something of a different standard. Not all wonky like this. And that is fair to want. Ask for what you want. If you request changes and they do not respond or do not change the wonky behavior that bothers you to better behavior? Sooner or later you have to accept they aren't sucking it up or stepping up so ALL people here can feel good.

Then it is on YOU to change your "staying-ness" behavior. You can bow out and walk away so in time you can feel better. You no longer deal with this treatment.

the more it gets pushed aside the faster I want to pull the plug. i'll lose my best friend, but at this rate I'd rather that then have everything blow up and a child get in the middle of it.

How "friendly" is it for your partners to be ignoring you? :confused:

Sounds like you are past your limit of tolerance. So pull the plug. State that you don't want to be doing this like THIS any more. You prefer THIS starts happening/stops happening. Are they willing to change X behaviors so ALL of you can be having a good time?

If yes, work it out.

If no? Walk away. You bow out because you are not being heard, and you are not having fun here any more. You want to get off the bus.

Keep it simple on yourself.

am I just stressing and seeing things out of proportion? or am I waking up and realizing this is a terrible idea if things continue to go so fast?

I think you are realizing that this group dynamic doesn't suit you in a lot of ways -- too fast, not enough communication, kinda wonky, etc.

So speak up. Sort it out one way or another.

If you got on the bus thinking you were going to one place, and you come to find the bus ride is too fast and wonky and going to a place you don't want? You can choose to get off the bus.

Galagirl
 
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Nycindie

You are absolutely right 100%, and fortunately tests were done before any of this started and all is in the clear. However that does not change that I want protection used regardless of how 'comfortable' it may or may not feel, period.
 
Anamikanon,

Thank you, I have sent a message to both of them that this Saturday we are having this talk and did so without it being alarming yet gently firm. A part of me wonders if they are still in "Newness" mode, but these issues are big..and honestly I'd rather smaller ones than these ones. We're adults and I have to have some faith that they will act accordingly, I've specified to my husband Snarky that this is getting to the point of me calling everything off, and I even gave him some of the big concerns last night. He agrees these are valid concerns and has even promised and reassured we would have this talk very soon, so I'm putting a date to it so it doesn't get slid under the rug again. I want this relationship to work, it has beautiful potential! However as I've specified enough, these issues MUST change or it will be a No go, it will break snarky's heart and hers but they need to see reason otherwise this will fall apart and nobody will be happy.
 
GalaGirl

I wish I could say more than just 'Thank you' but thank you. The hardest part is that if Sunshine doesn't agree to any of these conditions I will have to end it, and that hurts because I see how wonderful she is to Snarky and how he lights up with her in ways he hasn't me due to how compatible they are. It will hurt Snarky a great deal, but he is my husband and I can't up and walk away from him; however we've worked through harder hardships before so I think we could manage if things go south. Snarky himself approached me last night after he saw how distraught I was and i was able to tell him my concerns; he was drained of energy but agreed that these concerns are big and need to be addressed as did he promise we would talk about it. I'm still going to schedule a day and follow your wonderful advice, and the advice of others here. The biggest thing I need to have strength in is to pull the plug, it will be drama and will cause emotional harm and that is the part that scares me most. We all went into this together so we all are equally responsible, I just worry that it will be perceived i was at fault when in reality I am working my damnedest to get this ironed out and on track. I never realized being Poly was so draining, I knew it was work and even more work to ensure it is maintained, but..i'm at a loss and really just want things to work out, but in the RIGHT ways.
 
Anamikanon,

Thank you, I have sent a message to both of them that this Saturday we are having this talk and did so without it being alarming yet gently firm. A part of me wonders if they are still in "Newness" mode, but these issues are big..and honestly I'd rather smaller ones than these ones. We're adults and I have to have some faith that they will act accordingly, I've specified to my husband Snarky that this is getting to the point of me calling everything off, and I even gave him some of the big concerns last night. He agrees these are valid concerns and has even promised and reassured we would have this talk very soon, so I'm putting a date to it so it doesn't get slid under the rug again. I want this relationship to work, it has beautiful potential! However as I've specified enough, these issues MUST change or it will be a No go, it will break snarky's heart and hers but they need to see reason otherwise this will fall apart and nobody will be happy.

So, do you have full veto power to end their relationship, as well? As in, she either dates you both, or she can't date either of you?
 
I never realized being Poly was so draining, I knew it was work and even more work to ensure it is maintained

Now you know there a lot of puzzle pieces. In case it helps, here are some of the ones I think I see in your situation that you might want to consider when you talk. And keep in mind you might want a SERIES of talks so each time it's "bite size" and doable and you are not doing some marathon exhausting thing. Figure out which puzzle pieces matter and what order to talk about it in.

RECHECK WILLINGNESS

i'm at a loss and really just want things to work out, but in the RIGHT ways.

Sounds like you still want to be there. And you are willing to do your share.

Are they still in it? And willing to do their share?

If all three are not in it and willing to pull their fair share of the load? Disband. You cannot pull everyone's load for them. You doing 300% of the job is a good way for you to burn out.

GENERAL ABILITY/SKILLS

A group of people might be WILLING to go there and start some kind of polyship. But mere willingness doesn't automatically mean they all have the skills required so they are all ABLE to go there with grace. Some things have to be learned. Figure out what skills need work.

ABILITY TO HEAR FEEDBACK

Any new experience will have growing pains. That is one thing. But when you raise concerns and get ignored for a month? That's not being very kind or friendly toward you. Though you say this is your best friend and your husband.

Nobody can be a mind reader. You HAVE to report what's going on with you for your partner to know. It's your job to broadcast. It is their job to receive the message without taking it personally, and modify behaviors if the request is reasonable if they want this 3 people thing to fly.

It works the other way too. They have to tell what's going on with each of them. You have be able to receive feedback and requests with grace and if reasonable, modify your behavior.

RELATIONSHIP SHAPE

I think this started as a triad. Does it still want to be that? Or does it want to be a V with Snarky as the hinge? Do you all agree on what Open model you are trying to practice together?

TIME MANAGEMENT

Hinge (Snarky) needs to not take you for granted just because this is the established relationship. It still needs tending too.

TOO MUCH TOO FAST

They are not using BC and are talking about making babies this early on? That's crazy sounding. Those are not small things -- having a child is life changing stuff there.

If they cannot give you, the other partner, enough time and attention now when it's just adults? How are they going to meet your time and attention needs when a lot of their time is going to maintaining a newborn?

METACOMMUNICATION

I am glad Snarky is starting to hear you. I hope you can talk things through and work something out with both partners. Maybe they got carried away with NRE or something. I hope Sunshine will also start to hear you.

Deal with the first layer of problems first.

But if you continue together? Eventually make time to talk about HOW you guys talk. The metacommunication piece -- that second layer is present here and it seems to exacerbate things.

You could be heard when it is the first time you bring something up. You should not have to be screaming, turning red in the face, and beating on gongs before someone goes "Oh? Something is on your mind? Gee, I didn't notice."

CONSENT

Don't be afraid to stop. Your consent belongs to you and you choose what you will and will not participate in. It isn't like you consent once and can never change your mind.

If Snarky wants to keep going and you do not? Well... You will have to talk about that and how it impacts the marriage and if that also needs to disband. So he can be free TO pursue and you can be free FROM wacky.

Take it one thing at a time when you talk.

YOU TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY / CONFLICT RESOLUTION

I just worry that it will be perceived i was at fault when in reality I am working my damnedest to get this ironed out and on track.

If people try to shift blame? That's their behavior. You don't have to agree or accept it. Or take it personally.

Their stuff is their stuff. Your stuff is your stuff. "Our stuff" is shared responsibilities. If this is "our stuff" that everyone is responsible for, someone complaining it is not their deal doesn't change it. It's still "our stuff." Just that the person isn't owning it and is having a tantrum or whatever.

This group needs to learn to do effective conflict resolution. If someone blame shifts? Get the conversation back on track calmly.

You could say something like "I see you are upset with me for voicing my concerns. I think this grouping did not work out for many reasons. I think every person shares some responsibility in having co-created this grouping together and how it unfolded. I am not here to point fingers.

I am here to work things out (my #1 choice) or disband respectfully (my #2 choice). Please tell me what you are here for -- to work things out or disband respectfully?"

If someone is too emotionally flooded to talk well? They are acting out or breaking down? End the conversation and reschedule at least 3 days out so they have plenty of time to calm down again.

"I see you are very upset. This seems like too much to sort out right now. Let's take a time out. We can set another time to finish this talk when everyone can come to it with cooler heads. We can check in on ____ and schedule a new appointment then."

Each one can do their own emotional management during the time out. The goal is not to escalate and spin around in circles. It is to DE-escalate and move things forward.

CONCLUSION

Figure out the puzzle pieces you want to talk about, and in what order.

Don't focus on doom things you do not want.

Focus on what you DO want.

First choice: a polyship that works things out after all with some talks.

Second choice: a polyship that recognizes you all cannot keep going all wonky until you all have crashed and burned. If the group cannot figure out how to un-wonk it? The best thing is to stop the bus for people to get off in a calm, respectful way.

Who knows. Maybe the solution is to take a time out to work on yourselves and whatever missing skills and then try again as a group in future. But you can't ride the bus into the ground or crash and burn. That doesn't help ANY of you.

Galagirl
 
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GreenAcres

To be honest I think so. To be fair I'm in 'alarm' mode and haven't had a chance to talk to Sunshine about these issues yet and my anziety is through the roof right now. I do not want to label her as a terrible person, she certainly isn't and I hope I haven't painted her that way, it's just these things regarding slowing down a great deal, no ceremonies OR children until we know for sure we CAN work as a polyfidelous unit. I've sat down and thought a lot on this, and I know once this talk is underway and if it goes well then I'll be ok, however if not...Then at least Snarky has said that he too agrees it won't work out, to better answer your question Snarky and I agreed to this poly relationship if we operated as a TRIAD, and snarky feels if she and I can't be partners then he doesn't want to continue, it hurts him enough being pulled by the middle and drains him completely. I hate seeing him that way. i'm sorry for seeming weak when in reality things can be handled like adults can, but all of this just takes a lot out of me and I just want to be fair and know I am doing the right thing.
 
Thank you again GalaGirl,
You're right and I simply need to calm down and not think if impending doom and focus on the good, otherwise I will end up sucked into a void that will make me incompetent and useless to carry out such an important discussion with grace, tact and calm. Again thank you everyone :)
 
I hope they follow through on having the talk come this Saturday.
 
I'd say you picked a very bad time to try to start a triad. Your husband has a full time job, will be in grad school as well, he has a 2 year old and he is trying to make another baby. That sounds like a full plate to me.

Meanwhile he isn't using birth control with new gf Sunshine. What if she conceives before, or along with, you? It sounds like she's getting more of his sexy time right now. Hmph.

Did I read it right that he's only been dating her a month? And he wants to do a (handfasting) ceremony? When is it ever a good idea to commit to a lifelong relationship after ONE MONTH?

Meanwhile this is supposed to be a TRIAD, but I see a TON of bad feelings between you and Sunshine, and a very bad mismanagement of timesharing going on. You don't want threeway sex because you need one on one sex to make sure you get your husband's sperm in you to conceive your next child.

Frankly, if this was me, I'd put aside any kind of polyamory, raise that toddler, conceive that baby, get them through the period of super neediness (say, get the younger one to age 4 or so), get Snarky through grad school, and THEN pursue poly. Otherwise you all are just spreading yourselves too thin, and no one is going to be happy and have their needs met, not you, not Snarky, not your kid(s)...

Sunshine sounds like she needs a single guy to meet her needs, not a man who is working full time, going to school (classes, homework), and raising a couple kids.
 
Thank you again GalaGirl,
You're right and I simply need to calm down and not think if impending doom and focus on the good, otherwise I will end up sucked into a void that will make me incompetent and useless to carry out such an important discussion with grace, tact and calm. Again thank you everyone :)


You guys also really, really need to read this. What you have "agreed to" with Snarky is unfair, fundamentally, to Sunshine. You and he are not in a position to be poly right now, for so many reason (many of which have been detailed above), and dragging someone else into it with so much couple privilege just isn't ethical.

Stop. Extricate yourselves before Sunshine is pulled in any further. Have your babies and get your education. Then, once you're in a more stable place where you both have more resources in terms of time and emotional availability, consider poly again. Without the edict of "must love us both or hit the road" in the mix.
 
UPDATE: after talks

Hello everyone,

I am very thankful I joined here, however I am also very nervous about some of the decisions we ( as a group) decided on, however as adults we will take responsibility for them and, in fact, will carry on.

Our much needed talk came rather early, which was a blessing in disguise. I followed the advice from here and a great book I purchased called " The polygamist next door" where it suggested ( as did gala girl) to give the other partners a heads up for topics of discussion, so that they would not be blind sided before the time of discussion arrived. I told both Snarky and Sunshine the following

*Slowing down- the moving too fast with NRE blinding sensible actions was becoming too much a reality

* No children with sunshine- if our relationship goes well without problem for 3-5 years then fine. Coming from a terrible divorced family as a child myself i know the nightmares and problems that can happen.

* No hand fasting ceremony until 'maybe' 3 years down the road if all works well

* contraceptives or bust- meaning if they wouldn't see past the NRE and quit being irresponsible, the plug would be pulled

* Are we really the best match for Sunshine?

* Is she 100% sure she wants to have this deep a relationship with us?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, Sunshine was shocked, and a tiny bit wounded at first. But once the NRE wore down she realized how things were being and was more than ready and prepared to talk about these things.

Snarky was stressed; he thought we would be up in arms and ending everything badly because these are heavy discussions. He feared being pulled by the middle again. I can happily say that this did not happen :)

So, changes are being made and for the better.

1. They are using protection and we are scheduling one on one times without fear of offending the other partners. we've even had a LOT of group fun this week alone *blush* it was amazeballs.

2. Sunshine does want children, however she also agrees that we were being foolish and head over heels and not thinking clearly. We will see how the relationship goes for 2-3 years and if all is going well, we will revisit that. Because honestly I would love for us to be the big family unit we dream of being in the long run. ( some may disagree, but that is what all of our goals are in this relationship)

3. Slowing down: it is normal we've learned that NRE can really affect the speed and rate of promises and ideas and since this talk was essentially a momentary snap out of it, we agreed that any ceremonies needed to be put off while we work on our relationship quirks, kinks and finding our effective groove first and foremost.

4. Are we ready and the best match for Sunshine?: We had a very deep discussion that carried over into the next day about this, and we all came to the conclusion that yes, despite how our goals are ( some have been pushed off for a small bit) that we and Sunshine are a good fit.
Sunshine, I often joke is the female embodiment of my husband, and he the male version of her, they are so alike that sometimes they could butt heads yet I get along and love them both and when we are not caught up in the " new mistakes" and " growing pains" we are an amazing team and work well together in sync, so much that after the talk we've been more the 'well oiled machine' than the clunker we first were starting out to be. Our 2 year old has benefited a great deal and has bonded with Sunshine and Sunshine is amazing with her too!

After we discussed these big issues and absolved them, we then took Saturday and some of today to discuss individual needs, boundaries, goals and some good communication methods to use if one of us is having a hard time and what are absolute " No-Go's" for each of us.

Goals? What changed?: Snarky is still going to grad school, however if I am not pregnant this round we have decided to take a break. We've been having a hard time for 7 months now and it looks like testing is needed :( so during this time we will just spend time without Ovulation anything and hopefully find out what's going on in that department while having the support I will greatly need if things work out to not be in my favor. So we're just focusing on our relationship and our family as a unit entirely, and it's been amazing so far once we got on the same page and out of the NRE ensnairment.

Again thank you all so so so much!
 
Wonderful that you got things discussed before it was too late! Since you are thinking about babies some time in the future, I'd recommend the book "Polyamory and Pregnancy" by Jessica Burde to be read by all three of you. It is best to get prepared well in advance. Good luck to you all!
 
Sounds like you had the talk that you needed. That is good to hear.
 
Wonderful that you got things discussed before it was too late! Since you are thinking about babies some time in the future, I'd recommend the book "Polyamory and Pregnancy" by Jessica Burde to be read by all three of you. It is best to get prepared well in advance. Good luck to you all!

Thanks for the tip! I just purchased it on Amazon and I look forward to reading it :D
 
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