husband wants a poly relationship

Two nights ago my husband confided in me that he wants to have a poylamorous relationship. This is a topic that I have thought about in the past but never really explored. This is also (until just the other night) the exact opposite of all of the feelings and views he has ever expressed. He has always been pretty possessive and very jealous. He claims that it was him just trying to be something he wasn't (manogomous) and over-reacting because of it. He claims that now that he is being honest with himself, and getting in touch with himself, and that now he is feeling much more secure in our relationship. He is also okay with both of us having a separate partner if we happen to find somebody we connect with.

I know that he still loves me, but I can't help feeling a little insecure about this sudden mindset shift. I am trying to be open minded about it. I just fear that if/when he starts seeing somebody else that I won't be able to process it well. Or that he wouldn't handle it well if I were to start seeing somebody else (which is something he says he would be totally fine with, and I am not 100% opposed to but not sure if I am ready for that either). Is that something we would be able to work through, or come back from, if we decided it wasn't working for one or both of us?

He has had a lot more time to think on this than I have and I am just trying to process it. We have established some ground rules and both reserve the right to amend these rules if the need ever arises. Any advise on making this transition a tad easier would be greatly appreciated.
 
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Two nights ago my husband confided in me that he wants to have a poylamorous relationship. This is a topic that I have thought about in the past but never really explored. This is also (until just the other night) the exact opposite of all of the feelings and views he has ever expressed. He has always been pretty possessive and very jealous. He claims that it was him just trying to be something he wasn't (manogomous) and over-reacting because of it. He claims that now that he is being honest with himself, and getting in touch with himself, and that now he is feeling much more secure in our relationship. He is also okay with both of us having a separate partner if we happen to find somebody we connect with.

It sounds like there needs to be a lot of talking done. This is a lot to spring on a person all at once. Espescially after such a switch in POV on the topic.
Firstly, what do you want? Do you want to be in a poly-style relationship? If so, do you have any preferred 'style'? What style is he thinking of?

Talk with him a lot more about your wants, needs, concerns. Take time to yourself to figure them out without pressure. I'd also talk to him about his, and when he started thinking about this...kinda figure out his hows and whys as well.
While I personally do believe that some people are inherently poly, some are inherently mono, and others can do either or; I still feel that especially in a relationship that started off mono, things need to be taken slowly.

Personally, I'd do a lot more talking before opening things up at this point.

I know that he still loves me, but I can't help feeling a little insecure about this sudden mindset shift. I am trying to be open minded about it. I just fear that if/when he starts seeing somebody else that I won't be able to process it well. Or that he wouldn't handle it well if I were to start seeing somebody else (which is something he says he would be totally fine with, and I am not 100% opposed to but not sure if I am ready for that either). Is that something we would be able to work through, or come back from, if we decided it wasn't working for one or both of us?

What you're feeling is normal and valid; all feelings are.

If or when he starts seeing someone will always be a new experience. It can be kind of weird, and kind of strange. I know I had mixed feelings; I was super happy for him, very curious as to how the coffee date went etc. As things went on certain minor issues came up and were resolved fairly easily; she was also a fantastic meta.
Don't be surprised, if you go down the path, that your boundaries change and evolve over time. You figure out, through new experiences (which can happen 2 weeks in or 2 years in! There is always a first!) that certain things make you more insecure, certain things don't at all, and where does the insecurity come from.

He has had a lot more time to think on this than I have and I am just trying to process it. We have established some ground rules and both reserve the right to amend these rules if the need ever arises. Any advise on making this transition a tad easier would be greatly appreciated.

How far along in the opening up process are you guys now?

Message me anytime you need!
 
Very new

Right now we are very much in the talking things through phase. We did a lot of talking today as I had the day off and he works nights. Also with him working nights I have had a little time to think and reflect on my own. He has also been very open to answering any of my questions and I feel free to ask whatever comes to my mind (and there have been a lot of questions)

We both know that we want our marriage to remain the primary relationship and any partners would have to be okay with and respect that.

We have also decided that for now neither of us are going to actively seek out a connection, but won't necessarily ignore one if it happens. We want to kind of ease into this so that if either party feels at all uncomfortable we can pause and reassess the situation.

I am open to the idea but not quite sure exactly what I want. I know I want him to be happy and if being able to have a connection with somebody else as well as me will do that then that is something I think I am okay with. He is more looking for an emotional connection and not necessarily a physical one, but again if it leads to that he isn't opposed to it either.

So we are still working out the kinks
 
It sounds like you guys are on the right track!

My intro into poly was having a 3way with my husband (Z) and our friend(b) (who I met thru my husband). The intention was it to be solely sex, at most have B as a FWB. Not going to lie, that first week we all were super infatuated with a MFM sex set up just for fun.
At first my husband was only comfortable with group play, then B and I could solo play but no PIV sex, then it was solo play for everything...and then that turned into having feelings. So, my husband and I talked about that, and would he be okay with us dating instead of just FWB. He was. We had been FWB for 4 months at this point and I...asked B out. Things have been progressing ever since, and now I'm 'marrying' B this summer with Z as our only attendee. So, I went from one primary partner, to two. Emotionally two; financially Z is my primary. I'm surprised at how emotionally equal it became.

Our polycule has not ended how we initially thought! I did not think I'd ever be living with two husbands in my entire life. But now, I pretty much am. And we're all...really happy. I can only really explain it that way. It really just works. Not that there aren't some rough patches, there are. But, 2-3 years is a long time and people grow a lot. Take the time you need to figure things out.

Our motto is "only go as fast as the slowest person" and, with how your communication sounds, you're good on that front!
 
Hello MrsLookingForAdvice,
I have three main bits of advice for you:

  • Take it slow,
  • Communicate a lot with your husband as you go along,
  • Keep posting on this thread.
It's possible that you could come back from this, but it would not be easy, and the farther along you are, the harder it would be. So take it slow. Also it's common for miscommunications to ensue, mostly due to one or both of you making assumptions. So don't assume anything, communicate a lot. And take the time to explore this forum, have a look at the various boards and read quite a few threads. Let us know if you have any questions, and keep us posted as your situation evolves, so that we may give you updated advice.

So far it sounds like you are doing the right things, you are not rushing things, you have established some rules but also established that those rules may be amended. This is one of the areas where communication comes in. Also, you are connecting with this forum which can be a huge help to you. Things are early right now, so I don't know a lot of detailed advice to give you, but that can change as you continue posting.

You may find the Poly FAQ to be useful. Good luck!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Two nights ago my husband confided in me that he wants to have a poylamorous relationship. This is a topic that I have thought about in the past but never really explored. This is also (until just the other night) the exact opposite of all of the feelings and views he has ever expressed. He has always been pretty possessive and very jealous. He claims that it was him just trying to be something he wasn't (manogomous) and over-reacting because of it. He claims that now that he is being honest with himself, and getting in touch with himself, and that now he is feeling much more secure in our relationship. He is also okay with both of us having a separate partner if we happen to find somebody we connect with.

I know that he still loves me, but I can't help feeling a little insecure about this sudden mindset shift. I am trying to be open minded about it. I just fear that if/when he starts seeing somebody else that I won't be able to process it well. Or that he wouldn't handle it well if I were to start seeing somebody else (which is something he says he would be totally fine with, and I am not 100% opposed to but not sure if I am ready for that either). Is that something we would be able to work through, or come back from, if we decided it wasn't working for one or both of us?

He has had a lot more time to think on this than I have and I am just trying to process it. We have established some ground rules and both reserve the right to amend these rules if the need ever arises. Any advise on making this transition a tad easier would be greatly appreciated.

I'm just going to say what everyone's thinking, but no one else wants to be the Negative Nancy so early in the thread:

Your husband has someone in mind already.

I bolded certain words that send up flags. This is not an uncommon situation, so you can take comfort in knowing that.

Yes, I could be wrong, and that said, even if I'm right, it isn't necessarily a horrible thing.

You seem like a sensible person. Trust your gut feelings, and don't let yourself be gaslighted or talked into doing anything you really don't want to do, for *yourself*.
 
Update!!

So we have done a LOT of talking over the last few days. He has been very open and honest when answering any questions I have had. We have discussed what we would want if we were to go down this road and have come to a mutual understanding of what each other are comfortable with at this time, knowing full well that may change in the future. We have decided that we are going to arrange times on a regular basis to touch base and make sure we are both still comfortable with the way things are and if there is anything we need to tweak.

I also believe I have found my peace with this shift in our relationship. I finally found out one of the big factors on his end for wanting to try this. He is almost done with the training program for the company he is working for and it is very likely he will be sent to a plant that will require him to not only work 7 nights a week but also most likely stay in a hotel during that time. He feels like this will be easier for us if neither of us has to feel lonely/abandoned. We will definitely be making as much time for each other as we are able, but during those times that we aren't we don't have to feel bad if we find a companion that helps make us happy. I know this is probably not how typical poly couples do things but for right now it is what feels comfortable for us. We are absolutely going to go slow and make sure we are always on the same page and if we need a pause to reassess that is completely reasonable. I am still open to any advise that anybody feels may help, but I feel really good about this. It was a little bit of a struggle to get here but I am glad that we were able to talk through it. Thank you all for the insight.
 
I'm happy anything we had to say could help!

So long as you are all safe, and happy then how you guys work is what matters. What our rules, or boundaries, and journey are have no say on what
yours is.

Always remember to be your own advocate, and communicate. Good luck!
 
Hi MrsLooking,

Thanks for that update, I am glad you are feeling more confident about things. You should definitely arrange times on a regular basis to touch base and make sure you're still on the same page, and to see if the rules need any adjustments.

I think it makes sense for you to go poly, when he is going to be away for his work most of the time. There is really no such thing as "typical poly," poly comes in all kinds of shapes and forms. As long as you take things reasonably slow you will be okay. Keep us updated!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I also believe I have found my peace with this shift in our relationship. I finally found out one of the big factors on his end for wanting to try this. He is almost done with the training program for the company he is working for and it is very likely he will be sent to a plant that will require him to not only work 7 nights a week but also most likely stay in a hotel during that time. He feels like this will be easier for us if neither of us has to feel lonely/abandoned. We will definitely be making as much time for each other as we are able, but during those times that we aren't we don't have to feel bad if we find a companion that helps make us happy. I know this is probably not how typical poly couples do things but for right now it is what feels comfortable for us. We are absolutely going to go slow and make sure we are always on the same page and if we need a pause to reassess that is completely reasonable. I am still open to any advise that anybody feels may help, but I feel really good about this. It was a little bit of a struggle to get here but I am glad that we were able to talk through it. Thank you all for the insight.


Hi and welcome to the forum

To some this might sound silly but opening up a marriage that’s a few yrs old is different than opening up a marriage that’s 15-20 yrs old. So if you don’t mind me asking how long were you married and or together prior to this decision?


Also I think it might be a mistake to do this for a job or career change that might or might not work out. Typically this is playing with fire and more than a few have been pulled under from the experiment or experience. There is an expression around here that rings more true than not that you can’t unring a bell. I understand your talks and discussions have both of you on same page...that’s also very typical but naive part is thinking that it’s going to stay like that way for very long once other loves become involved. It gets real complicated real quick.

IMO the biggest mistake ( and I made it ) that newbies make is thinking / telling each other that the marriage or core relationship will stay the same. The bitter truth in most cases is that once the door is open the old relationship or marriage is effectively dead and something new is starting from that point. yes the 2 principle players are the same and same house etc but lots has changed
 
I Agree with Dingedheart;

Once a marriage is opened, it is changed and cannot go back to as it was.
 
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