Married men: Do you value/love your girlfriend less than your wife?

Coleenie93

New member
Hi everyone. I have been dating a married man for a year today and I’m in reflection mode.
He says he loves me and treats me well...
He’s asked me to move in with him and share a life with them both and be a family, but part of me says don’t do it because he will never love me or value me as much as his wife.
Mostly because he’s known her longer. I don’t know if I can be in a relationship long term with someone who sees me that way.
I love him, but I’ve stayed in this relationship with the mindset that it’s temporary because I’ll eventually want more. To be a priority to someone.
I’m trying to understand how he really feels about me or if he’s just using me as something extra.
Any input or thoughts would be appreciated. The truth. No sugarcoating please.
 
Do you have any reason to disbelieve him when he says he loves you?

You say you worry that he's using you "as something extra", but you also say you only see him as a temporary addition to your life. Does be know he's just a placeholder until someone better comes along or have you allowed him to think his relationship with you has a chance at "happily ever after"?
 
I do not love Murf any less than Butch just because of a piece of paper.

They both are extremely important to me and love them both with all my heart. Each of them bring something special to my life.
 
I think he is the only one who can answer "Do you love me or value me as much as your wife?"

And you are the only one who can answer "Can I be ok here knowing I can never be the legal wife? Because legal marriage to more than one is illegal in a lot of places? "

You are also the only one who can answer "I’ve stayed in this relationship with the mindset that it’s temporary because I’ll eventually want more. To be a priority to someone. Am I at the break up place now?"

Did "temporary" finish for you? Even if nobody else shows up, maybe feeling like you have to get off the fence after a certain amount of time and either end it or start calling it "permanent" or similar? And let the "temporary" go?

Don't know if that helps any. I'd suggest doing your soul searching and then honest conversation with him.

Galagirl
 
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Honestly, it sounds like you are the one holding back love and commitment here. You say that you have always thought of this as temporary — is that something he understands? Because using someone as a placeholder is a sucky thing to do.

I would be crushed if my boyfriend were only using me as a temporary girlfriend until someone else comes along. I understand that he might want things I cannot give him and he might prioritize another relationship someday if that relationship involves more entwinement and kids or something. But I love him every bit as much as my husband and I fully expect that he isn’t going to just toss me aside if/once he decides it is time to settle down. Relationships change, but that should be because the people within them change, not because the people within them are just killing time.

My other boyfriend (Whiskers) is married. He and his wife and her other partner all live together. I fully expect that she loves her husband and her live-in boyfriend equally. Their individual relationships might have different characteristics, but that isn’t because she is married to one of them and not the other — it’s just because every relationship is different.

As far as my relationship with him, I fully expect that he loves his wife more— and I am okay with that! Our relationship isn’t nearly as committed, and we haven’t known each other as long, and overall his wife is really lovely and I just feel happy to be welcomed into their family at all. Doesn’t make me see this relationship as “temporary” or “limited” — we are just growing at our own pace.

It’s interesting — I feel like this forum has gotten a fair number of new folks with this concern. Perhaps it is my imagination, but it seems like it tends to be women who worry about this (their boyfriends loving their wives more than them) more than men (who seem to worry more about their wives loving their boyfriends more). I wonder why that is....maybe women are more culturally-trained to worry about “intruding” on a marriage than men are.
 
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Hello Coleenie93,

I cannot speak for your particular situation, but I can say that in my experience, it is possible for someone to love their "other partner" as much as they love their spouse. I am in a V with a married couple; my partner has intimate/romantic relationships with both her husband and me. And I am quite certain that she loves/values me every bit as much as her husband. She does not play favorites with us. Of course, I have the advantage of having been in this V for over 13 years so far. So I've had a lot of time to witness/experience my partner's love/devotion towards me. It takes time to build up that much trust. Do you trust the man you are dating? Do you know him well enough to trust him? Does he know you well enough (yet) to love/appreciate you as much as he does his wife? Maybe you just need more time for the relationship to grow and develop. Does that make sense?

How important is it to you, to be the legal spouse of your partner? Perhaps that is part of what is troubling you about this relationship and where it seems like it might be headed. I mean would you want him to divorce his wife and then marry you? Would you want him to divorce his wife and then not marry either of you? Obviously, it is not possible for him to be legally married to both of you. Since it's not possible, maybe that part doesn't matter as much? if that makes any sense.

Don't make any quick decisions, take some time to figure out how you really feel about this situation. And how he really feels, of course. I hope this post helps you a little.

Sincere regards,
Kevin T.
 
I think what’s troubling me is that I’m used to being a priority, and in this relationship, I’m not. I don’t know how long it will take for me to be one, or if I will ever be one.
Maybe it’s insane, but sometimes I think of weird scenarios where he can only save one of us and he picks her, and that makes me want to break up with him.

I told him I’m open to the possibility of it being long term but I’m not sure and he says he knows why and understands why I feel that way but he still loves me and wants me in his family.
I feel like I’m always waiting for him to hurt me somehow or hoping he does something to remind me I’m less than so I have a good reason to leave.
I’ve thought about dating someone else casually do I can date someone single but he doesn’t like that idea.
 
I think he tries very hard to not show preference and be good to me. He is good to me. But deep down I know his loyalty is to someone else. If that makes sense.
 
I think what’s troubling me is that I’m used to being a priority, and in this relationship, I’m not. I don’t know how long it will take for me to be one, or if I will ever be one.
Maybe it’s insane, but sometimes I think of weird scenarios where he can only save one of us and he picks her, and that makes me want to break up with him.

I told him I’m open to the possibility of it being long term but I’m not sure and he says he knows why and understands why I feel that way but he still loves me and wants me in his family.
I feel like I’m always waiting for him to hurt me somehow or hoping he does something to remind me I’m less than so I have a good reason to leave.
I’ve thought about dating someone else casually do I can date someone single but he doesn’t like that idea.

A couple things:

1. It is totally reasonable for him to “not like the idea” of you dating someone else, but ultimately he needs to deal with that himself. Depending on how vocal he is being about “not liking that idea,” this could be a huge red flag, or it could just be him reacting and not realizing how seriously you are taking his reactions. I had a hard time with the idea of my boyfriend seeing anyone else, but I recognized that I was asking him to be comfortable with me being married, so it would be hypocritical of me to expect him not to date other people. I felt bad when I realized that he had turned down opportunities out of fear of upsetting me — I hadn’t meant to actually restrict his ability to date, I had just been having a hard time with it and was looking for ways to make myself feel more comfortable.

2. What does he do that makes you feel that you aren’t a priority? In what ways are his words and actions showing you his priorities? How do you “know” that his loyalty is to someone else?
 
Hey, Coleenie,

This is a timely topic for me, as my long term long distance partner is moving in with my family (me, husband, kiddo) in the first week of September. And I just had a conversation with my husband (while we ate sandwiches in the car in the Costco parking lot) about how at some point these two relationships might feel balanced to me in their familiarity, not just their priority. There is a local poly family (open V, I believe) that has been established long enough to kind of have that vibe. X’s two husbands are treated, act, and are introduced pretty equally, though I know from conversation that one of those relationships predated the other by years. And I was thinking about whether my situation might come to resemble theirs someday.

So, in a nutshell, it has been my experience that newer doesn’t mean less committed, and just because there’s a marriage license in one relationship doesn’t automatically make it better or more important than another—unless the people involved choose to make it that way. So my question is, where is your feeling of being lesser come from? Is it reflected in your fella’s attitude? His wife’s words or actions? Or just an assumption you’re making because of the stuff we all learn, growing up in this culture?
 
I've been with Z for 11 years this year.

I've been with B for 2.

At the start, especially before love was involved for sure things felt way different. And then when we all started living together, things shifted again.

Both relationships are very different in their own right; but I value them both equally. For example, Z and I, if we fight, it is generally more of a "flash in the pan"; it lasts maybe an hour and then everything is hashed out but it is often a lot more rapid fire. We've been together since high school, fights aren't high stakes or anxiety inducing at all. And, we've done it before, especially as teens!

With B, we've literally fought now...twice in 2 years. I'm a full adult now, so is B. But, he is very very conflict avoidant. Sometimes to the point where I am reminding him to not placate me. But, this means the fights are way more low key slow simmer. So, usually a day or so after the fight, I come back to it and am like "hey, my man, let's debrief and make sure your needs are being met." To me, this is much harder; especially in a new relationship. [I'm also the opposite of a commitmantphobe. I've literally, even since dating since 13, never had a relationship last less than 8 months. So my perspective on what counts as a young relationship is skewed to that. ] One fight a year is not enough to be used to they fight dynamic.

You will for sure notice things like this; the differences between relationships, and although you will love and value them equally; you will appreciate things about one vs the other more. Much like with any person; friend, family, etc. If you have to kids (fur babies or otherwise), you love them the same but appreciate their different qualities and quirks

In my mind, once B and I do a handfasting ceremony in the summer, they'll both be my husbands. We aren't out to everyone as, tbh, it's not always safe or smart to do so where I live. But, I often tell stories about "my husband" and just don't specify that it's not my legal one. B comes to family dinners as a "roommate" to family, but he's still there and that's what matters. All our family knows him living with us in like...a forever thing.

Every relationship, whether it is side by side or sequential, has it's differences.

It's also very easy to have insecurities over the differences! Whether you're the hinge of a V, or the one on either side. We're only ever taught that you can love ONE PERSON and that is the ONLY true and valid love. I mean, look at even trying to find cute love quotes. How many "you are my one and only"?

Talk with your partner about this. Soul search and find out why you're feeling this way. Your emotions are valid even when they don't have a logical cause. You just have to talk them out with others and yourself to find out if they're proportional and/or make sense.
 
I think this is something worth talking to him about, and I have. He says he loves both of us but has known her longer. I don’t think I’ll get anything out of him beyond that. He’ll always know her longer! So I’ll always be on the backburner.
I think I just want validation and to feel like I’m not eating my time loving someone fully who doesn’t love me the same way.
The secrecy is also starting to bother me. There are pictures of them together on Facebook and none of us anywhere. I just don’t know what I’m doing.

Thank you for your help everyone.
 
The secrecy is also starting to bother me. There are pictures of them together on Facebook and none of us anywhere. I just don’t know what I’m doing.

Well, you do know what you're feeling and that is that you don't like being hidden. That is a very important thing to know about yourself.
 
It took me and B a while to become "facebook official" (as much as it lets you when you can't have more than 2 people in a relationship)
I didn't change my status; it already said I was married to Z, and changing it to just "married" with no connection felt pointless to all of us. It took B a while to change his to "In a relationship". One person asked with who, and they never got an answer.

Now we post some pictures (honestly, we aren't a picture heavy family), but on statuses there will be things talking about a date and different people.

I'll have always known Z 9 years longer than I have B. Nothing can change that, the memories attached, our mortgage...those all happened pre B and pre poly. But, I view them as more of part of the journey. To me, now that both relationships have become as equal as they can be (the financial equality will never happen due to mortgage alone), I can say if someone made me choose between them...I don't think I can. I love them the same; I look at them both and I smile. If you're worried that it something that can never happen with any other married person in poly, know that it can. If it's something for just this person...only time will tell.

I do feel he should be willing to talk more with you about what he means by "always known her longer". Maybe, if you want to continue with this relationship, see if he'd be willing to, or willing to at least do something like write down his feelings?

You absolutely should not feel like you're wasting your time in any relationship! And if this is not the relationship that will give you what you need, then you should leave it. You deserve to be happy and feel loed and secure and valid. No one should be in an unfulfilling relationship.
 
Colleenie93 just want to give you perspective being on the other side of this. I am currently married but planning to get divorced because my wife is coming out as lesbian. My current girlfriend of 9 months is from the Philippines. It's tricky because even though both of us would like to get married at some point, she has a lot of insecurity about our situation which is understandable. I wish I could wave a magic wand and get the logistics settled so my wife and I can get divorced, but it's not so simple because it involves selling a property which we are doing now. Same like you, there is no public evidence of my relationship with my girlfriend and my guess is there won't be until we are at least engaged.

A key part of what you are discussing is do you want to have kids with this guy? If you do, it's going to be extremely difficult is he is still married to someone else. Many guys will just say they want to get divorced as a way of stringing along a girlfriend, essentially having their cake and eating it. You need to have some serious discussions to see what his intent is.

And about timelininess, no relationship can replace another relationship history. But one thing I've done - and I hope this guy is doing for you - is being clear that each person has value for who they are. There's a lot my new girlfriend doesn't understand about me because of lack of history, but I appreciate her for the great person she is and know this can grow over time.
 
Colleen another part of this is relationships are complex...so what would it be like for you to move in with a man and his wife? Have you met his wife? Everyone has to be on the same page for this to work.
 
I'm not a man, but I sure hope that my boyfriend doesn't feel like I value him less! We are out, both to family and friends. I post pictures on Facebook regardless of which partner I am with. I am openly affectionate with both.

I don't want to live my life in the closet. And I don't want to make anyone else feel like a dirty little secret. I think that being able to be public about love and relationships should be a right and I would never ask a partner to stay closeted because of me.
 
This is a tough scenario that the OP has presented. You have gone into the relationship with one foot out already, saying you viewed it as temporary. That gave the relationship no stable ground to develop because the boyfriend can't work with communicating on any issue he isn't aware of (that being it's a temp arrangement that CAN switch to something more if some unknown feeling could be worked through).

Second, the entire relationship is predicated upon the boyfriend changing things to make it better but not on it being a collective understanding. He has to figure out how to allay fears but you don't have to work on understanding things from your view. So you want to be able to say you've known him and gone through things with him for a long time but want to give up before that can happen? Yes he's known his wife for a long time but why is that a bad thing? He's known his parents for a long time, should that be something viewed as negative next? How can one compete with love of a parent, sibling or other relatives?

On the note of relatives, this is a perfect segway..... we can love multiple parents, multiple grandparents, multiple siblings and extended family, multiple children, even multiple pets but loving multiple significant others is out of the question because we touch our private parts? It's contentious simply because of sex?

The problem isn't the length of time he and his wife has been together. Nor is it if he can value you as much as his wife. There seems to be a devaluation of his feelings, actions and time spent with you, something you are in charge of. I won't say there is a lack of communication but labeling the relationship as temporary has, in my estimation, already devalued the relationship thus leading to it's inevitable decline. Not only does it appear that it is time to let him search for somebody more invested but it also seems like it's time to do some self reflection on your role with poly and if it really is for you.

This is coming from somebody that JUST dealt with a woman having these feelings but not revealing them until we broke up 3 years later. It tore me to pieces because I was all in just to find out I was temporary to her but she used my being married to contort it into her being disposable to me. I cannot be help responsible when I do not know there is an issue. All in, subjectively, just doesn't work for serious relationships, poly or not.
 
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