Period. Sex

Violet77

Member
He had sex with his other partner on Sunday night, saw me on Monday and I told him I was sexually frustrated. He refused to have sex with me because I'm on my period. I literally cant get over this. I'm so hurt and he still refuses to have sex if it's the really blooody part of my period. He said he would when it's the end and its lighter. I'm already super jealous of him having sex with other people, I've been trying to be ok with it because I know I get bored in long term relationships but it's been so hard to get over the jelousy.
 
Lots of people aren't keen on period sex. Many of us come from an era paranoid about bodily fluids due to a HIV epidemic. That, coupled with the fact that women's bodies have always been viewed as "unclean" (research niddah), means that period sex is often rejected or fetishised. Few just see it as sex at the time of menstruation.

In trying to compete with your metamour, you've forgotten your hinge is allowed limits of their own.
 
I'm one of those guys that just sees it as sex at the time of menstruation.

Is this the first time this has come up? I mean, this usually comes up within a month or so of dating.
 
He would do it at first but then decided he didnt want to any more, I just am so jealous of his other partner having sex and then me being rejected the next day I dont even want to see him any more. I think he stopped after our sex got a little less exciting after doing it for a year. But I would at least like some sort of love and affection in response to my feelings of rejection and he just says well I'm not having sex with you tomorrow or Wednesday either and asks why I'm here when I tell him I'm tired of the pain he is causing me. He says I'm sorry your feel that and that's it. Is it just me or is that dismissive and uncaring?
 
Your feelings of rejection are valid. It can suck to be used to seeing sex as validating and then not receive that validation from a lover when others are. You should discuss your feelings aside from sex and indicate to him that you need more connection. Nobody I know that is really connecting with someone will mind the break if he thinks period sex is icky. I would guess that the problem is that you're being dismissed and are not feeling supported. If your feelings are not being heard and he only comes around to sleep with you, and doesn't come around when you're on your period, then you need to ask yourself if a purely sexual relationship is what you want, and if it isn't then you may need to move on for yourself.
 
I'm already super jealous of him having sex with other people, I've been trying to be ok with it because I know I get bored in long term relationships but it's been so hard to get over the jelousy.

This isn't about period sex, it's about this.
 
I am sorry you struggle. Is this the same guy from before?

I could be totally wrong in my impression, ok?

FWIW?

I'm already super jealous of him having sex with other people, I've been trying to be ok with it because I know I get bored in long term relationships but it's been so hard to get over the jelousy.

Part of it almost sounds like you are worried he's gotten bored with you because you tend to get bored yourself in long term relationships. So you want some reassurance that he ISN'T bored... but I don't see you actually asking. I wonder if that's some of your upset? :confused:

I just am so jealous of his other partner having sex and then me being rejected the next day I dont even want to see him any more.

Sigh. Then break up decently. Don't drag it out. Give yourself some relief.

If you stay? Stop acting out. If you are having a hard time with jealousy, say so and ask for help. But don't be all "I don't even know why I date you!" angry at him. You might be coming off like a bear on the attack. NOBODY I know loves dealing with that. :(

If you are participating in a relationship model that makes you feel bad? STOP doing it.

But I would at least like some sort of love and affection in response to my feelings of rejection...

Did you ASK for those behaviors? All I heard you ask for was period sex. If you need attention, love, affection? Could it be cuddling, kissing, hugging? Have you asked if he's willing to do that?

Then that honors his desire not to do period sex. (Because he CAN choose what kind of sex he's up for or not).

AND it honors your need to be comforted/reassured.

You BOTH get what you need instead of arguments.

...and he just says well I'm not having sex with you tomorrow or Wednesday either and asks why I'm here when I tell him I'm tired of the pain he is causing me.

Sounds like he went into defensive listening mode. He felt attacked by the bear and he poked the bear right back.

He says I'm sorry your feel that and that's it. Is it just me or is that dismissive and uncaring?

Hon, if you come flying at him like a bat out of hell, threatening break up... what's he SUPPOSED to say that won't set you off again? He's not a mind reader.

I'd suggest calming down, asking him to STOP telling you when he shares sex with his other partner. And you START asking for the kind words, hugs, kisses, and cuddles you seem to want.

But if the main problem is that you guys are incompatible? Stop talking about it. Just break up. Give yourself the relief one way or another. Either ask for what you ACTUALLY want, or call this one a wash and walk away.

Galagirl
 
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Your feelings of rejection are valid. It can suck to be used to seeing sex as validating and then not receive that validation from a lover when others are.

DaCoda has hit it right on the head here. It sucks when you're used to having sex be this huge validating thing in your life, and then you're refused it. It even sucks when its just because your partner doesn't have the same sex drive/doesn't view sex this way and it really causes friction in the relationship.

For a while in Josie and I's relationship we had this be a huge point of friction as i saw sex as this big thing that meant love and affection and all that stuff, and she just saw sex as sex, which she doesn't really have the drive to do. It took a lot of talking and figuring out what to do but we eventually found there are other ways to be intimate other than sex and ever since we found the right balance for us stuff has been completely fine.

The jealousy points that Galagirl pointed out really do need attention brought to them, but for the actual thing of wanting sex with him, you need to figure out why you want sex. Is it for the attention, the affection? is it simply because you feel you are owed it because he's sleeping with other partners? You really need to sit him down and talk about it all, he might even help you figure out what you want.
 
Hi Violet,

I just want to reiterate what I said in an earlier thread, this man does not seem to treat you good. As for your current situation, I am just wondering, do you think he is using your period as an excuse? Like he is saying it's just because of your period, but really it's because he's not interested in sex with you anymore? Do you think he's gotten bored with you? Not that it's your fault if he has, I seem to remember he doesn't perform as quickly or intensely if you're getting the "leftovers." It's like he is setting you up. I suggest you sit down with him and tell him, that when he doesn't want sex with you, you would at least like him to show you a little affection. Right now it sounds like he is just being dismissive and uncaring.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks so much, he used to lie, now he is going to counseling and so am I, he is putting effort in to changing and telling the truth. This is amazing I didn’t think it would happen and I’m still trying to work on my jealousy because I can tell he really cares for me and treats me well. I wish I had someone to be with or speak to while he is with her but I’m with him all the days I don’t have my kids so it’s hard to start another relationship, this forum is really helping be be able to communicate my feelings with others going through similar issues, thank you so ,I have for being here 🙏
 
Glad to hear it helped to vent here some. Also glad to hear that you guys have decided to attempt counseling to solve the problems. I hope that works out. Sometimes having outside points of view helps break out of the "going round in circles" thing.
I wish I had someone to be with or speak to while he is with her but I’m with him all the days I don’t have my kids so it’s hard to start another relationship,

You sound like it's maybe hard to get out? How is your friend network? It doesn't have to be another dating relationship.

Galagirl
 
My friend network is good, but some how it never helps with the feeling of jealousy and abandonment. It's not the same to me as a romantic, intimate partner. Also I have been starting to date another man now and even though my partner who I was speaking of here, marcus, is treating me better and not lying he gets mad when I am.going to see him, he resents me because he says I traumatized him with all my bad emotions and jealousy around d my metamour. He says hes mad that I now after a yr am trying to cope by seeing someone else (it's working for me, I dont ask him about my metamor as much and we fight less, on my end at least). He said I should have done it long ago so he wouldnt have been traumatized by my anger and jealousy. But he told me he might chose not to see me any more or not be intimate. Or see my metamour instead on our days if I saw someone else so I was to afraid, I didnt want him to leave, I also wanted to enjoy the time alone but I ended up being miserable and feeling left out and abandoned on nights he was with her. I thought he was saying that to control me and get me to not have sex with anyone else, he seemed like he is ok if it was a woman but not a man. But he said he said it because he was actually going to leave me if I did. He said that would have been ok because he didnt really want to deal with my emotions. But he told me he would deal with them during those times and he did, not very well but somewhat. Now I'm confused, hes mad I didnt do it long ago, would have left me if I did but also didnt want to deal.with my emotions if i didnt , and we wlare about to go to couples counseling... we where on the verge of breaking, deteriorating alot but things have been better since I started seeing June.
 
Thank you of more info. I don't think it changes my overall advice much. You have to decide where you want to spend your time and energy. If therapy is just going to be a NEW way of dragging things out... maybe it is ok not to bother?

You are the one there in the situation. You have to be the one to make the call since you are the one who knows what is going on. I hope if you do decide to pursue therapy if can help you guys solve all these problems. It sounds like a lot.

He said I should have done it long ago so he wouldnt have been traumatized by my anger and jealousy.

What's Marcus' problem? How this behavior supposed to HELP? He expects you to just dance attendance on him even if it costs you bigly and not deal with your own needs? :mad:

He prefers to keep shifting blame on to you rather than appreciating that things have gotten better for him now that you are working on it?

He prefers to keep shifting blame rather than apologizing for his share of the situation making?

What's he doing to help move this forward? What's he doing to help keep it in the stuck?

But he told me he might chose not to see me any more or not be intimate. Or see my metamour instead on our days if I saw someone else so I was to afraid, I didnt want him to leave, I also wanted to enjoy the time alone but I ended up being miserable and feeling left out and abandoned on nights he was with her.

If you guys are going to counseling, I hope you work this problem out. Because he was trying to hold you emotionally hostage. Like damned if you do, damned if you don't. He was part of the reason why you didn't do it sooner. Not the only reason, but part of it.

I thought he was saying that to control me and get me to not have sex with anyone else, he seemed like he is ok if it was a woman but not a man.

He IS trying to control you and get you not to have sex with anyone else. He has his OWN jealousy baggage to work through. He is doing "pot calling the kettle black" and pointing out your own struggles with jealousy. But doesn't seem to own that HE is sometimes the one provoking that very response with his behavior toward you.

Now I'm confused, hes mad I didnt do it long ago, would have left me if I did but also didnt want to deal.with my emotions if i didnt , and we wlare about to go to couples counseling... we where on the verge of breaking, deteriorating alot but things have been better since I started seeing June.

Well, what do YOU want to do?

Is it still worth the cost and time investment of therapy to you? You think it will be fruitful? Or do you think it will just drag things on so just break up and be done sooner rather than later?

Is this guy a healthy partner to date? Or just too much work?

Like... you don't want to get a "fixer upper house." You want a "move in ready house." Maybe "fresh coat of paint" fixing but not like redo the plumbing AND the AC AND the carpet AND paint AND....

So maybe you don't want a "fixer upper partner who behaves this way with the blaming and damned if you do, damned if you don't stuff."

Do you want a partner who already has it together?

Is dating June easier than dating Marcus?

I think you may have to do some soul searching. Whatever path you pick, I hope it works out ok for you in the end.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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my 2 cents

new here but my two cents...

I don't know a guy who doesn't want to have sex whenever he can. If he doesn't like the blood, he can put a condom on... but anyone who is refusing "period sex" I think is engaging in some kind of power or game playing.
 
I cant speak to my friends because they knew he would hurt me and dont want to hear about it any more. But my metamor had sex with a different man and then Marcus told me he was going to stop having sex with her, so I felt relaxed for minute, but remembered that he told me 2 or 3 times in the past that they where he said they where broken up and then they got back together and it broke my heart so i was scared about this too. I wish he would just not say anything so i could just deal.with what's going on already. I asked him how hes going to see her late at night and not be intimate with her, he told me she was coming over and leaving last night so I asked if I could come and have sex after she left he said he would call me when she left, but then called and told me he all of the sudden got called in for work and she was going to drive him to work, but they wouldnt have sex. I'm pretty sure he knew the whole time he would be with her AMD wasnt going to see me at all. I told him of he slept in the same house as her I wouldnt see him any more, since he insisted he wouldnt have sex with her. He tells me then next day she touched his penis and he stayed at her house in different rooms, trying to pretend like they didnt have sex and sleep in the same bed. I know they did and he wont tell the truth because he Hope's I womt leave. He tried to tell me they started and then he got emotional and stopped. I left him because I cant take the lies an yh more, I asked for one little boundary not to be over stepped AMD he couldnt do it, not even just for one night for me ,I'm really sad and thank this community for listening and supporting me. He said he wanted to not be intimate but he couldnt resist when he was with her at night, why would I beleive he would do it? I really wanted to beleive it. I feel like I'm dumb but I know I'm not just hopeful
 
I left him because I cant take the lies an yh more, I asked for one little boundary not to be over stepped AMD he couldnt do it, not even just for one night for me ,I'm really sad and thank this community for listening and supporting me.

Sounds like breaking up once and for all then was the best choice.

I hope you can heal and be more at peace now / over time.

No more lies and Marcus up and downy stuff! You are free of all that now.

GL!
Galagirl
 
edit: more posted and now this is irrelevent

I am so proud of you for making this choice for your own wellbeing.
 
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I don't know a guy who doesn't want to have sex whenever he can. If he doesn't like the blood, he can put a condom on... but anyone who is refusing "period sex" I think is engaging in some kind of power or game playing.

I can't tell if this is a joke or not, so I'm going to treat it as if you are actually being serious.

The preference to not have one's genitals, hands, and/or fingers drenched in blood does not mean that one is on a power trip or playing mind games. You might be referring to one very specific person or situation, but it is a wild and reckless generalization to villainize a preference about wanting to be covered in blood.

This was an absurd statement, and I don't want the lurkers to think that they are not allowed to have whatever preferences they choose.
 
I can't tell if this is a joke or not, so I'm going to treat it as if you are actually being serious.

The preference to not have one's genitals, hands, and/or fingers drenched in blood does not mean that one is on a power trip or playing mind games. You might be referring to one very specific person or situation, but it is a wild and reckless generalization to villainize a preference about wanting to be covered in blood.

This was an absurd statement, and I don't want the lurkers to think that they are not allowed to have whatever preferences they choose.

Agreed. While I have personally never encountered a partner who had an issue with period sex, the assertion that all men will “want to have sex whenever he can” is ridiculous. Men are humans and humans sometimes don’t want to have sex.
 
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