Probably not polyamory??

globalodonata

New member
Last year I started a new course, as a mature student I was and am really looking to re-direct the course of my life. I have a lot of responsibilities and I am hopeful that the course, which is vocational and health based will give me the tools I need.

I was delighted when I started to make a bunch of new friends and in particular meet one person (who I will refer to as Sam). Unfortunately within the first few months I had split up with my long term partner which impacted somewhat on my studies. Then a few months later one of my parents was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

The day that I found out coincided with mine and Sam’s joint birthday celebration. We went out and I got pretty drunk. Sam told me that they found me attractive and that they and their partner (Jo) of several years both wanted a relationship with me. One thing led to another and I ended up leaving early feeling thoroughly confused and full of anxiety. The next day I met with them both and they explained how things were totally cool and that they had been looking into polyamory and wondered if I could be someone they welcomed into their relationship.

For obvious reasons this was still somewhat overwhelming and I said that whilst I was open to such things this was incredibly bad timing for me and that I would need to take things forward very slowly, if at all.

From this point onwards they both put a lot of effort into spending time with me and generally being supportive.

From the outset even though Sam and his partner told me they wanted me to be part of their relationship, it was clear that Sam had issues with me spending time with Jo just by myself. Some rules were put in place early such as no kissing unless everyone was present but, that didn’t extend to Sam themselves and they and I had several dates and nights together.

As a three we went to art classes together, had dinner at each others homes, cinema trips and also several threesomes. I generally found sex as a three fairly awkward and my feelings seemed to be mirrored by Sam and Jo. Despite Sam’s reservations, I felt it was really important to include Jo and make sure everything was equal so when Sam and I spend time together I would always make sure Jo was aware of what had happened.

I had several conversations with Sam talking about why I found it hard to understand what Jo saw in me. I also talked to them about feeling like I was a satellite orbiting their relationship, that I wasn’t really part of it and as such it was hard to understand and fully comprehend what polyamory was because the communication didn’t feel equal. Whilst I knew and really liked Sam I felt like I didn’t know Jo at all.

Eventually Jo and I had a date together and there was definitely chemistry, we went to an event, had food and Jo came back to mine to spend the night. The day after I got a call from Sam asking me to come up to their house where I was told that they had separated and the relationship was over. Sam was concerned that I would be hurt but, I still felt to emotionally numb to feel anything in particular and said that I wasn’t.

Sam wanted to continue with the relationship between the two of us. But, this felt overwhelming. I had gone into the whole scenario thinking that if it got to much I could pull out and I wouldn’t ultimately hurt anyone because they would still have each other. But, this was different. So I put the brakes on and we agreed that we would continue to see each other socially but only have sex if we left the city we both live in (which was a compromise).

Sam and I continued to meet up socially and did have sex on one occasion but, my heart/ head wasn’t really in it.

Then a few weeks later Jo got in touch and asked if I would like to go for coffee and a chat. We met and again there was real chemistry but, nothing happened. We chatted a bit online and eventually met at an art class a few weeks later. This time we discussed having feelings for each other but, that we shouldn’t do anything because it would really hurt Sam.

Sam and Jo moved out of their home. But Sam logged into Jo’s facebook and read our messages. Everything blew up and Sam told me how dismayed they were to find out that Jo and I had been talking and meeting up behind their back. Sam felt like I had lied to them and that they could no longer trust me, they asked me: “What part of you thinks that this is okay?”

Sam was very clear and very expressive regarding me and Jo continuing to see each other. They have stated that if we (me and Jo) continue to be involved they (Sam) cannot see a future for mine and Sam’s friendship.

I feel incredibly conflicted, I really like Sam but, more as a friend. I have really strong feelings for Jo that have developed from the quality time we have spent together and our shared interests. It makes me feel incredibly sad that this situation has come about because I never could have imagined it 3 months ago (Yes its only been 3 months). I also feel that the whole situation has distracted me from being truly available for my parent. They only have days left and here I am writing this when I should be concentrating on myself and my family.

To be honest this whole situation doesn’t feel much like polyamory. I would honestly welcome peoples thoughts and advice. I do not consider myself blameless, I probably shouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place but, you can’t turn back time, even if you want to.

Thanks for reading if you have gotten this far :)

N.B. I have not used pronouns and hope that I do not need to say why. I come from an alternative family background so am familiar with different kinds of family and relationship dynamics. I have omitted some details and conversations which proceeded the original birthday celebration.
 
You haven't done anything wrong. These people sound like a mess.

You have a lot on your plate emotionally. I'm sorry that dating either/both of these people got so complicated and seems to bring you more confusion and distress than joy. It's okay to walk away from both of them and just focus on yourself. (Or to see just Jo if you actually like them and let Sam deal with that themself).
 
thank you

Thank you MeeraReed, your comments reflect those of the friends I have spoken too but, none of them have experience of non-monogamy or polyamory and it is helpful to have the same feedback from someone completley independent. I guess my only concern moving forwards is how this will impact future studying but, I suppose that is something I will have to learn to deal with and overcome.

Kind regards from over the pond,

Alex
 
I had gone into the whole scenario thinking that if it got to much I could pull out and I wouldn’t ultimately hurt anyone because they would still have each other.

This is a common, but false premise. If a close friend pulled away from you, would it not hurt deeply just because you have other friends? A person is singular. Nobody feels less of a loss just because they have other people. If someone feels that it's no big deal to lose someone, there was little investment there. Poly relationships do not inoculate us from grief.

My take on the whole thing is that it was waaaaaaay too much, waaaaaay too soon. Also, what Meera said about this couple not being on stable ground to begin with.
 
I probably shouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place but, you can’t turn back time, even if you want to.

This. Next time if you are grieving a break up and get bad family news? Take more time to digest all that and not just rebound into a new relationship. Much less a triad model. Those are tough.

Could call it a life lesson learned and move it forward. Don't beat yourself up over it.


I had gone into the whole scenario thinking that if it got to much I could pull out and I wouldn’t ultimately hurt anyone because they would still have each other.

A lot of people naively make that mistake like "If it doesn't work, we will just go back to the original couple and the singleton." But sometimes? It ends up paired off different or even everybody single!

They only have days left and here I am writing this when I should be concentrating on myself and my family.

THIS. You have limited time with parent now. Focus on THAT.

Tell Jo you need to pause to attend to a dying parent. That you want to date, but need to attend to this first. (If you still want to date Jo. Otherwise tell Jo that you are full, and have to bow out and break up. This is just super bad timing and you wish Jo well.)

SAM was the one who decided to snoop in their ex's computer. Didn't like what they saw -- which is you trying to be considerate of them and trying to slow it down with Jo because so much was happening so fast. Instead Sam decides to have a cow and say if you date Jo, Sam can't date you or be your friend any more.

Well, let it be that way. Can't FORCE Sam to be friends or date.

You can say "I'd like to be friends, but if you don't want to be friends back, that is ok. At this time I need to attend to my dying parent. It sounds we are best broken up. Thank you for your time. I learned a lot." And WALK AWAY and attend to your parent.


You don't have to detail explain yourself to these people. It's only been dating for 3 months.

I also think anyone with any compassion would keep their shit to a minimum and hold space so you can attend to an anticipated death in the family. Both of them KNOW your parent's dx from the sound of it. Just put all that on pause or flat out end it. And focus on what matters you right now.

I am so sorry you hear about your parent. :( Please take care of them as they transition through last stages and please take care of YOU.

hugs
Galagirl
 
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Hello Alex,

To me, what makes the most sense is to put things on hold with Sam and Jo, so that you can be there for your parent. After they pass away, then you can try to figure out what to do about Jo and Sam, and maybe even then you will want to wait awhile, so as to give yourself a chance to grieve. After that, it seems that you'll have to choose between three possible options:

  • Start dating Jo, and break up with Sam,
  • Start dating Sam, and break up with Jo,
  • Break up with both Sam and Jo.
Unfortunately, dating both Sam and Jo does not seem to be an option, Sam has made sure of that. Unless you want to try to date Jo in secret, but that could end in disaster. I suggest you follow what's in your heart, even if you know Sam better do you have more chemistry with Jo? Do what you really want to do. But don't do it right away, wait until things have been resolved with your dying parent.

You have a lot on your plate right now. I don't envy you. :(
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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