How to cope with lonelyness

Martinus

New member
Since I am very easy feeling lonely and really feeling sick when I,m alone for to long.
I start to miss my wife kids in like 14 to Max 20 Hours.
When there is nobody around when, .im with people I trust friends or family. I don't start to feel lonely.
When I,m with strangers like school or work or training weekends I also start to feel lonely in 14 to 20 hours.
I really suffer from this, my reaction times and concentration gets bad (not some thing you want at firefighters training days)
Start to get depressed tummy ache and sometimes migraine.
Now we are with 3 partners I'm afraid its gonna get worse like it did when we had children.
Before we had children I could be alone or around strangers for 2to4 days.

Any one who has experience in this.
 
Hi Martinus,

Sometimes you can get lonely even while surrounded by people, like you are missing specific people, or you are missing the people you love and trust. One way you can ameliorate the situation is, to strike up a conversation with someone (even if they're a stranger to you) and befriend someone. Then you might not feel as lonely. Another idea is to carry around a token of the person you are missing, e.g., if you are missing your wife, you could carry one of her favorite necklaces in your pocket, then, when the feelings of loneliness get extra bad, you could rub the necklace and be somewhat comforted knowing you are carrying a token of that person with you. Also if you can call or text the person even just for a minute, that might help you feel better.

Just some ideas, hopefully that's helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
When my boys were on an extended road-trip they each left me a T-shirt that they were wearing before they left - I slept with them on either side of my pillow and was comforted (I also had the dog to cuddle, so not really alone).
 
Thanks for the reactions,
I have a few coping tactics, some work.
Most of them don't.
:D:D
 
Hi! This may get long but hopefully it's helpful!

SO, being lonely is a biological function, like hunger. It's our bodies telling us that we need some human connection! And just like hunger, our bodies haven't hit the evolution point that it knows we'll get to see or talk to people soon and so just chill. Whenever you feel lonely, view it as human connection hunger. It's not bad, it's just a notification.

Humans are meant to live in large family groups evolution wise. So, when we're kept from our modern day family groups, it sends those warning signals to our bodies that say "YOU'RE LONELY SO GET INTO A GROUP BECAUSE GROUPS ARE SAFE AND WHEN YOU'RE SAFE YOU WON'T DIE". Thanks evolution.
Now that your family group is larger, there is more of that drive to be with them. There is more of that biological safety from a larger group, so your brain wants it more. Not to mention, our bodies constantly are happy hormone seeking, and when were with loved ones, BAM happy hormones. So you have double the drive to be with those people! It's natural and normal!

Even your bodies extreme reaction is a normal, although unhelpful, reaction to stress and anxiety.

Now to figure out ways to help alleviate the extremity of those feelings and that anxiety/stress.

What can help is having a point in the day to talk to them that you look forward to. An end of day phone call. Maybe get one of your partners or kids to leave you a note in your bag to look at during lunch or when you need to. Send a text and ask for some extra loving on. We can let people know when we need to be loved louder.

I know for me, I have a set point in the day to focus on where I get to talk to them in some way. I'm giving my brain a set time to look forward to which is helpful during a work day; that and I ask to be given some sweet texts.
As well as the days where I am not at work but still alone, I come up with different ways to make being alone an enjoyable experience. I pamper myself and make it a relaxing day even if I have to do chores.

I also took a look as to why I start having an extreme reaction; I have chronic anxiety, so I tend to overreact emotion wise to negative emotions. So maybe it would be good to, besides the biological function of loneliness, see if there is a larger reason as to why you're having such an extreme reaction to feeling lonely. For you, par tof it may be if you don't have anyone at work who is a friend/work friend who you can enjoy the company of. THen not only are you at work, but you're missing being around people you like.
 
This is not a problem on my day job.
I work as a nurse (male ??) Don't know the proper English word.
But its a big problem with my volunteers job being a fire fighter.
I have great college's an I enjoy being with them.
But once or twice a year we have to train in Germany for 3days add the journey that makes almost 4 than I experience the problems.
And when I have to go somewhere else alone (with colleagues) for more than a day.
I have some work friends but they are no replacement for my reel friends.
And now our family is growing I'm a little afraid it will get worse.
 
Okay, so...how often do these intense feelings happen? And when exactly?

Maybe work on developing the work friendships more would help?

It may get worse, but you're here and asking for help so it could also get better.

What about the techniques I suggested? Have you tried any of those?
 
Not all.
Thing I do
when me or P are not at home the girls are allowed to sleep in our bed.
I send messages when I can.
Take something from home with me.

The thing you said about letting people know we need to be loved louder is a help full thing.

The feeling of loneliness happen always when I'm alone for more than a day.
So say I have worked a night shift and P is working and the kids are at grandma's. My feelings of panic starts around 16:00 when P the kids or D come home I can sleep.

P wakes me up at 22:00 and I wake up fine to go on my next shift.
When I come home and there is somebody home no problem.

So far the problems are manageable.
When I have to be away for more than 24 hours and I am working all is fine when I have to sleep body says nope.
Next morning I'm not really feeling well due to lack of sleep.
Next day I'll feel anxious and sick.
Some time's I'll get a migraine headache and take some pain killers.

This happens always in these situations.

So I avoid them where I can.
 
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Thank you for your reply! It was helpful!

One t hing I'd say is really important for you to work on is managing anxiety period. It will probably help with how lonely you feel; and if anxiety is reduced/managed, it will help with those physical reactions (not enough sleep, headaches, etc) you have.

The body and mind are connected; sometimes our brains can make our bodies sick because our brains are struggling.

I have a lot of anxiety. My anxiety, when really bad, will cause me to get maybe 4 hours of sleep, not be able to eat, dizzy, headaches, massive libido decrease. All physical symptoms of my mental issue.

The things I use are:
Mindfulness- I use a five senses exercise (a similar one is in this PDF, as well as some others)
And a breathing exercise that I'll do my best to explain below, forgive me if I'm bad at it.
-

Close your eyes, breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, release for 5 seconds. Try to continue that pattern during the exercise. If you can't, just focus on keeping your breathing even and slow.

Imagine a stream in a forest during your favorite season. Use as much detail as possible; the sounds, the smells, the colors. Some leaves are drifting off the trees and landing onto the stream.

Look at the stream, it's a lazy slow stream with beautiful clear water.

Now, place your worries and anxiety and the thing causing your anxiety on the leaf. Watch the stream carry it away until it is out of view. Do one worry/fear/issue at a time. If on the first leaf your anxiety level does not decrease keep putting it on the leaf until you start feeling better. Do it as many times as you need.

~

I hope that's helpful!
 
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Hi Martinus,

What about the idea of taking melatonin (or other sleep aid) to help you sleep? Lack of sleep seems to be at the core of your difficulties.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Night shift again last night, bummer.
This morning kissed the kids and P goodbye they left for school and work.
slept, and slept well cuddled up with an worn pyjama (thanks for the tip).
woke up around 12:00 quick shower and went to the firefighter station to do some home work.
been working till 15:00 a colleague came in to pick up some stuf had a little small talk.
Feeling lonely now. wanna go home to see the kids (grandma is taking care for the rest of the day) P told i'm working till 16:00.
I know I should go on working but it's not gonna happen because i feel lonely.
And this is completely stupid because i'm actually happy, I just cant cope missing my family.
 
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