Moved in with the married couple........

I feel like if I were to bring up the money thing it would cause them to question whether I am completely committed and I do not want them to think I don't trust them.

But you don't trust them fully yet. You are afraid you will be broken up with and evicted one day and left moneyless again.

What is so horrible to you about most of your paycheck going into a separate account for you so you can feel safer here? And you chip in a percentage to the "community pot?"

Doesn't contributing work in the home and to the community pot demonstrate you are committed to pitching in here? :confused:

I am going to keep some of my own money as a nest so that I will not be left homeless if things end badly though.

I am glad you will do this. That solves THAT problem.

But the journal, (last night she told me she found it last year, literally) caused problems and those were my feelings. And instead of coming to me and saying hey I read your journal and there were these things in it, she went to the husband and they decided together that I was unhappy and that they needed to back off so they did. I have to admit it bothers me a little that she read my journal but what bothers me even more is that she did not come to me about it and so I have been wondering for the longest time what I did back then to make things go wrong.

Look... it is not the journal or your feelings that caused problems.

It is ok to journal to sort out your thoughts, but eventually you speak your truths to address concerns and solve the problems with the people. You did not speak up. That contributed to problems.

Her peeking and not saying anything till last night about it. That's a problem.

And them making a unilateral decision for the trio without even including you in the discussion. Withholding affection, not saying anything, then BOOM. That's messed up. That is a BIG problem.

You putting yourself in wonky situations without asking questions first? That's the BIGGEST problem. You are much too timid. I think you could work on assertiveness.

This is a peculiar dynamic and I am concerned you are being taken advantage of. Lots of pretty loving words, but light on loving actions.

What if I came to them with very real, justifiable feelings and they take it personally like I am saying I do not want to be with them and they just pull back again? I worry that that's what will happen if I say hey is it okay for me to touch your husband when you're not around, or hey I am not sure how I feel about the money all being tied together, etc... I worry they will just pull back again without a word, just a formal break up text a couple weeks down the road.

I don't blame you for thinking that. Since that is what happened before.

You chose to put yourself in this same situation again without clarifying questions first. I encourage you to have the conversations now. Even if it feels hard. Confidence is grown by DOING, not by avoiding.

It is ok for YOU to break up with them if they keep doing things like peeking in your journal without asking or making decisions for the trio without you. Have you realized that? It reads like you are so worried about them dumping you again that you forget you have a voice in here too. If they don't meet YOUR standard for what you are seeking in relationships, you can choose to stop participating yourself.

For your sake, I hope speaking your truth leads to betterment in this trio, improved communication, shared agreements/expectations. So you can start to rebuild trust because you all know where each person stands.

If speaking your truth and standing up for you causes them to pull the same stunt? You have your own money to recover with and I hope you refuse to take up with people like that again.

But either way -- speak your truth. Hiding it does not serve you well.

Each day is getting a little worse for me because I go to bed each night, not having discussed the issues I would like to and so I wake up thinking about them and wondering how I can approach this. I love the facebook message idea but since I don't want to affect their day at work and school, I don't know if I can really do that.

However you get it out there, could get it out there.

You could ask for a date to talk. When they are not at work or school. If oral communication gets you tongue tied?

Start a new journal. Write it out and ask the things. Give it to them and ask them to write in it too. They can come to it at a time when they are best able. No interruption to work day or school day that way either.

Or if you need a third party to help facilitate the conversations, could a poly counselor help?

But if this is a case of they say one thing but do another? The talk and actions do not match? Believe the actions. Talk is cheap.

If that means getting out because they treat you with less than loving actions while TALKING lovey dovey? Get out.

You cannot stay healthy in something long term if there is no trust. You should not have to feel fearful in your own home.

Galagirl
 
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I think you're right to be concerned. Withholding affection because you don't behave according to 'the plan', or have feelings that don't fit in with the script, is emotional abuse. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells in your home. It's not healthy for you and it's not healthy for your son. If you're committed to staying in the relationship, I'd suggest looking for a counselor/therapist who has experience with poly relationships and/or is open-minded. If your partners won't go with you, go alone. If you approach it with an open mind, it will help.

I worry they will just pull back again without a word, just a formal break up text a couple weeks down the road.

(For the record, I was in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage. My ex did the silent treatment thing and withheld affection. It's not a healthy environment for raising kids.)

ETA: In my opinion, it's also not ok to read someone's journal without their knowledge or consent. I wouldn't even do that to my teens if they were acting out. It's just not cool.
 
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I think you're right to be concerned. Withholding affection because you don't behave according to 'the plan', or have feelings that don't fit in with the script, is emotional abuse. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells in your home. It's not healthy for you and it's not healthy for your son. If you're committed to staying in the relationship, I'd suggest looking for a counselor/therapist who has experience with poly relationships and/or is open-minded. If your partners won't go with you, go alone. If you approach it with an open mind, it will help.



(For the record, I was in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage. My ex did the silent treatment thing and withheld affection. It's not a healthy environment for raising kids.)

ETA: In my opinion, it's also not ok to read someone's journal without their knowledge or consent. I wouldn't even do that to my teens if they were acting out. It's just not cool.

I don't think its fair to say withholding affection is emotional abuse. Sometimes it's hard to give affection under emotionally charged circumstances.
 
I don't think its fair to say withholding affection is emotional abuse. Sometimes it's hard to give affection under emotionally charged circumstances.

You're right. Withholding affection isn't always abusive. I shouldn't have made a blanket statement. In this particular case, though, it feels abusive since the couple has the power. Of course, it's possible that I'm overly sensitive... withholding affection/silent treatment are major triggers for me.

At the very least, it sounds like there's a significant issue with communication on all fronts.
 
Hi ScaredNConfused,

I'm sorry if I have not been helpful in your situation. I am at a loss on how I can do better. I think you want to stay with this couple, but you don't want to tell them your true feelings because they might dump you if you do. If you're looking for some way of making this couple more loyal to you, or more willing to hear how you really feel, I don't know how you could do that. Short of just pleading with them: "I want to be able to share my feelings with you guys without being afraid that you'll break up with me." But of course, telling them that would be sharing your feelings with them, and I'm assuming that's exactly what you'd be too afraid to do.

At the very least I feel like you should get help from a poly-friendly therapist. Are you willing to do that? Is the couple you live with willing to help you do that? considering they have control over your money ... and do you have a car, and the freedom to go see a therapist? It sounds like you're tied up at home with chores and babysitting.

The only reason I had any doubts about your story is because it fits so perfectly into the stereotypical profile for unicorn hunting. But really, it doesn't matter what I believe, as I am still going to address your situation as if I was 100% sure it was true.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If you cannot feel safe enough in these relationships to express your feelings without fear of some sort of punishment for it, then I'd say you're in a situation where you are not respected, nor valued. Do you really think that is all you deserve?

You're still young, this isn't your last hope for a satisfying relationship. My advice is to walk away, and then spend time developing your sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
 
love and RESPECT yourself then you are truely lovable

I guess its easy for me to say it will be fantastic because it works perfectly for us.

why it works for us
1. We all fell in love with all of us instantly as soon a we met several years ago. Just like the fairytales...and all of us say over and over again its too good to be true, but it is true.
2. We cannot stay away from each other and we all miss each other even when we are even a few hours apart. We cannot keep our hands off each other. we all sleep together.
3. We are always 100% relaxed and honest, no secrets and no self censoring. and never had even the slightest argument over anything, even after years.
4. We are all oldish 46-60 and know ourselves and are never fake.
5. We all have zero demands or expectations we have 100% Respect.
So for you... know yourself, are you ALL in love? that really matters, and always be honest to yourself and others don't try to please by changing, just be yourself and like it.
 
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