The journey to myself

So I need to feel special, I need to feel I can't be replaced, I'm not interchangeable with anyone. I didn't know the sentiment is so strong in me. When I see people here writing about something being special, I'm often like "what's the big deal? :confused:" I thought my jealousy was mostly a fight for resources, but this seems closer to the root.
It's not even like fear (of being replaced), it's really a much more pure and ...joyous... feeling than that. A desire of being unique, and being unique to someone.
And I don't think he's neglecting my special traits or worse taking me as less than human. It's just... my conflict (with polyamory maybe).

Does it follow that I need to be the only one? I don't know.

I have this need, too. And, I agree, that it was this need that was stronger in me than any jealousy, fear of replacement or demotion, or insecurity that I have. I can share space or resources, I just don't want to feel like a number, or an interchangeable part. And, honestly, why would I want to be with anyone who did see me as interchangeable and not unique? I want authentic relationships and how can a relationship be authentic....how can the person know and love me if I'm just a number?

What I'm working on is separating that part of me that wishes to be valued for the unique person that I am from my ego that wants to compare me with others in order to validate that I am unique and worthy. This validation isn't necessary. Every person is unique and worthy in his/her own way, if for no other reason than the fact that we exist. Some may not be the right people for me to relationship with...but that doesn't make them any less unique or worthy of love. In the same vein, I'm working on discarding applying labels to people. While it is easier to classify people with labels, in my opinion, it devalues the person to do so and it limits my experience of the person.
 
And, honestly, why would I want to be with anyone who did see me as interchangeable and not unique? I want authentic relationships and how can a relationship be authentic....how can the person know and love me if I'm just a number?
Of course! And I don't think I'm being a number to anyone. Interchangeable? Maybe. Somewhat. I'm not sure. I mean, I am sure that I'm being loved as a whole person, and that there's nothing interchangeable in our intimacy, but sometimes, just sometimes I feel like being pushed towards roles and boxes. Like anytime I hear "a woman should..." ;)

But see, there's degrees to it, just like there are degrees and flavours of respect, and some of it is unavoidable (because taking people exactly as they are is equivalent to getting rid of expectations and prejudice), maybe even healthy :confused:.
I caught myself doing the same error more than once. I think it has been my obstacle with dating. The desire to find a partner totally stands in the way of the process itself, because then I'm looking for a man with a list of traits instead of a human being to connect with.
Going even further, I think I haven't been able to search for a poly partner partly because I don't see how two relationships could be equally special to me as one relationship is, and how I could be holding both people as special as they deserve. Maybe I lack experience with multiple relationships, but... for example sex is sex and I can see myself all too easily wanting sex and deciding with whom I want to spend the evening depending on who wants to give me sex. And while I don't like the idea at all (makes me nauseated actually), I know that this is how it is for me at some level. Same with other needs and wishes. In my world, there is just too many instances where people are interchangeable to some degree. Not so much partners with friends, because there's needs I can only fulfill with a partner, but two partners?

Do partners become ...not fully, but somewhat... more interchangeable with poly?

It's rather new, I ramble.
In the same vein, I'm working on discarding applying labels to people. While it is easier to classify people with labels, in my opinion, it devalues the person to do so and it limits my experience of the person.
Seems like good stuff.

And, thanks for explanation with the ego thing :)
 
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I wrote a long response to some of this on my blog, but the short version is, yeah, sometimes I do see partners as interchangeable :(

It's interesting because rather than fight against being boxed into a role or label, I seek it out as an antidote for the feeling of being "just one of many". I feel secure in my relationship with Andy because I am his only wife, his only nesting partner. I felt secure with Dag in the beginning because I was his only sexual partner.

I do see how these roles can be limiting, and they would be even more so if I wanted more than fwb outside of my marriage. But when I try to let go of seeing it that way, I get neurotic and insecure and jealous :cool: I can completely understand wanting a comfy nesting situation with the person who's a good fit in that way, and then also wanting a girlfriend who enjoys the same social activities, and still craving a third partner who's kink compatible. But my brain freezes up when I try to understand, say, wanting TWO girlfriends for nights out and kinky sex. I feel like at that point, they become interchangeable, when they no longer have a unique role in someone's life.
 
You make some really good points, Tinwen.

I caught myself doing the same error more than once. I think it has been my obstacle with dating. The desire to find a partner totally stands in the way of the process itself, because then I'm looking for a man with a list of traits instead of a human being to connect with.
This is precisely why I don't like online dating. It feels like I'm designing the car I want to purchase. I prefer to meet people organically where you can see and feel (or not) how you fit together, regardless of how many boxes on my 'want' list the person checks off. It's just that that's less reliable than a dating site where we know we can find a date within a relatively short period of time. I still say, I'd rather be dateless than with the wrong date.

Do partners become ...not fully, but somewhat... more interchangeable with poly?

I really hope not. But, I guess it depends on the person and the circumstance. I do agree that different people can be interchangeable for different circumstances. I mean, I know I can choose to go see a romantic comedy with my sister, my daughter, my best friend, or whomever I'm dating at the time. The movie itself will be the same but the experience will be different. In your example of choosing the partner who's more open for sex that night, yes, you'd (hopefully) get off whichever partner you choose....but the sex itself is different. Sure, different people can fill the same role. I mean, if I have an opening in my company, I can hire a myriad of different individuals. And, while most of them will still get the work done, they will do it in different ways. Some may be more efficient, others more skilled, but they'll still get the job done (or get fired.) But, some may be more fun, some more dependable. Filling the same role, but in different ways? So, I guess it's what we give credence to....the sameness of the person and the experience or the uniqueness of the people and differences in the experiences? I choose the latter.

I'll admit that my list of romantic and sexual partners is shorter than most my age. That may be part of it, too. My guess is that the more sexual and romantic partners someone's been with, the more likely they are to feel less unique. Each of mine feels very unique and irreplaceable. Not so much unlike children. It doesn't matter whether I have one child or a hundred children (I have three), each one is unique and holds a special place in my heart.
 
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My poly experience didn't feel like partners were interchangeable. They were each perfectly unique, as all of my partners have been in my life. I have a mental dossier and some things are great with one, but not as much with another. Different people brought different stuff into my life. I don't see anybody as interchangeable really. I know the preferences of each, and connected in a somewhat different way and for different reasons with each one.

And it might be that there was no real "equality" or perfectly fair and even playing ground for my partners, that eventually led to one taking center stage while the others sort of faded out.

Also, I have to laugh about the online dating thing, because it was an interesting experience and if it taught me anything, it's that I didn't really know myself THAT well and needed to have some experiences to figure out what I wanted. Now that I know what my "type" really is...well, I sorta knew there towards the end of my O.L.D. experience, but no matter how emphatically I expressed what I wanted, I had guys who were NOTHING like that, barkin' up my tree. While I agree that trying to select a designer lover is a bit (well, a lot) silly...if I say I want men at least 10-20 years older than me who are Dominant and at least a bit Sadistic, nerdy and smart, and not raising young children at this time, who also like cats and have their lives more or less established (wealth not important, but stability is), drug/alcohol/tobacco free, please... Why would a 25 year old with no car and a daily pot habit whose profile pic is of his abs, and who is either vanilla or submissive, and wants to meet "the one" to raise a family with (according to his profile)...WHY oh why would this f-boy be knocking at my inbox?

Because "numbers game" apparently. *sigh* :rolleyes: Well anyone who views me as just another random roll of the dice, a pull on the lever of the "slot machine"...it doesn't precisely inspire me to romance, y'know? It inspires me to demand vulgar haikus and to ask humiliating questions and to otherwise find creative ways to tell a boy to step off.
 
Great posts everyone! Thank you very much.

I especially love the point that we don't consider it a problem if friends are "interchangeable" in that we don't care which one we take to the movies or another activity. It occured to me too. But it's somehow different (to me at least) with sex and partner-y activities. Hardwiring, or layers of monogamous conditioning? Maybe both.

When I say "hardwiring", I mean that I do increasingly believe in kind of a freudian (perhaps, I haven't read Freud ;)) interpretation, where our capacity (as mamals) to bond with a specific person is very much inborn and having a partner is very much the same bonding mechanism that we have with our parents. Our partnerships are also shaped by this primary relationship, of course. In this picture monogamy makes much more sense to me (although not excluding polyamory) - if we have one primary bond as children, why not seek the same as adults, especially as the same mechanism is employed. It explains to me why a partner can be so much more special than friends (although I've felt love for friends almost as strong as for partners). The same goes for the need for exclusivity, attention, for competitiveness and jealousy: in the context of a primary bond they make just so much more sense.

Having said that, my relationships are not giving me a break. There's a get together of shibari people this evening, and we've made plans to go there with Idealist a month ago. Just a few hours ago I learned that Meta is comming too, not like with him, just going to the munch. (For the record, Idealist wasn't aware either.) This really got me.
I obviously can't tell her not to attend the same gatherings, but it feels like she's stealing (not on purpose) my safe social space here, and (again) something that was special to me. Shibari was something I started two years ago, with Idealist but on my impulse, and I immediatelly fell in love with the whole environment. I don't know much of the people any deeper, but I always felt very safe in the group. She (them together) started going to slightly different workshops (more of a new fem-dom group) a few months ago, which bothered me somewhat because I wanted to go to a workshop with that same teacher at least once, but now she was picking them all. But whatever, as long as we've got our own workshops... But with today's news it hit me, now she's got similar social connections, and the group is no longer "mine". Furthermore, she's got the habbit of being really socially dominant.
It's really impeding my sence of safety to have her around, I don't know if we'll be tying at all in the evening.

I feel like there's not much I can do about this issue. I obviously can't go like "you're invading MY social space!" (that's not even true). For a moment I thought this is the last dropplet and I'm breaking up, but I didn't do it. Idealist is being very soothing, telling me to take more power over the situation, that there's always things you can do. At the same time he's let my upset get through to her so she's upset too. Great :(
 
Also, he's got a severe problem sometimes to respect boundaries which he does not understand, and then it takes a serious effort to draw the line. I've ran into it more than once. I know he does need to get a why -- it's the way he works in all situations of life. Not a pure logical why, but understandable enough to him. That man can get very severely unhappy if he can't understand something. He's got deep layers of philosophical understanding and emotional intelligence to employ on the world. I actually love his asking and aiming at the root of things. When it's about me, I'm usually keen to open up and enjoy the attention. But sometimes his conceptual framework just doesn't match the rest of the word, so... He. Just. Doesn't. Get. It. Period. If it's a boundary, it becomes a severe problem. Let's say it needs several iterations of the same conflict, until he can integrate them as a fact, and it's upsetting.

OMG, Dude can be exactly like this. When he starts up again on something that I have attempted to explain many times I have to stop and say. "Look. Dude. You AREN'T GETTING IT. We have gone over this many many times and if you don't understand my perspective by now, then you just aren't going to. BUT you don't HAVE to understand to acknowledge and just accept that other people have different priorities and preferences than you and respect that."
 
OMG, Dude can be exactly like this. When he starts up again on something that I have attempted to explain many times I have to stop and say. "Look. Dude. You AREN'T GETTING IT. We have gone over this many many times and if you don't understand my perspective by now, then you just aren't going to. BUT you don't HAVE to understand to acknowledge and just accept that other people have different priorities and preferences than you and respect that."
I'm glad other people work around this successfully :)
 
Things have calmed down a little. Last Thursday the shibari meeting was extremely conflicting, actually the meeting itself went more or less good but the follow up was by no means ok. IMHO Meta was completely out of line. But over the week I communicated with her on a non-relationship topic, which was ok (it's better to be reminded of the similarities), and I was over to their place today because Idealist has a cold and it was ok too. Actually we had a pretty good scene while Meta was still at work :)
Without a doubt, my cycle affects greatly how I perceive the whole thing, I have much greater tolerance now than a week ago, I feel safer, but of course the problems remain. I do not take lightly the warnings of my pms period, there is no other time like that to pinpoint problems.
We've finally scheduled a therapy meeting with Idealist, as we have planned back in January. I was hesitant about that because it seemed wiser to seek individual (and focus more on work and health), but that didn't work out yet. So we're going. I'm not promising myself too much there though.
 
The month has flown by pretty quickly since I last posted, I felt more private lately, but want to reach out a little now.

Work...
I feel quite motivated - I have urgent things to do, and I've admittedly put exams on the wait. I didn't finish the life purpose course which I bought yet, but already the first section kind of reassured me that I am pretty much on the right track career-wise (and, well, the fact that my boss obviously counts on me and wrote my name on another grant proposal doesn't hurt).
What I don't have a clear idea about is, what impact exactly I would like to have on the world, but I'm more comfortable with the idea now that most of the scientific work is just making small advances.
Also, what I have gained from the course is an expectation to work on something on the long (ten, twenty, forty years) timescale, which makes me more comfortable with the fact that getting to know my field takes some time. It would be great to have the impact figured out and choose my field accordingly, but I figure that quantum transport (that's current or heat flowing through really tiny devices) in the broad is growing meaningful enough for technology, and if I at some point conclude that technology is bad and I don't want to enhance that at all ;), then, well I'll go find something else. By now it's rather fascinating.

Relationships...
We've had two therapy sessions thus far, and both of them were productive, for the lack of a better word. I've made a fuss about privacy, and Idealist has stopped sharing a lot of stuff between the two relationships. I don't think he's happy that way, but I'm enjoying the blissful ignorance.

I am still tired and prone to illness. Also, allergy. I actually went sick for a few days after the first therapy session, which wasn't very surprising, because both Idealist and my colleague at work were ill with the same thing at the time. But the second time after therapy I also felt ill. It didn't develop - so I think it was more psychological.
I'm also having a really hard time doing any work at all the day after therapy. It's a lot of emotional upheaval :(, which is good because things get solved. But I'm unhappy about not being able to work. Have any of you had the same problem?
 
What I learned from the English language

"People who speak two languages may unconsciously shift their personalities when they switch from one language to another."
So, I met this not-very-trustworthy article, but this quote of it reminded me of something I have been wanting to write for a while now
It's really, really interesting how language affects us.

Language carries emotions. I noticed already a while ago that thinking or writing in English creates a distance from my feelings. Not my mother tongue, not so bound with emotions, that makes sense. Already when I was less fluent with the language, missing the emotional vocabulary and stuff, I sometimes used it in my journaling.

Over the last year(s), as I've spent a lot of time here, learning new concepts and ways of thinking, and also on self-help sites, it actually became easier to think about certain topics in English sometimes. When doing exercises on values in the life-purpose course, I was routinely switching languages, also translating from one to the other (not always easy). English words get color. Which is useful! I mean, after I listen to a video about purpose for an hour - the word "purpose" actually gets the meaning and the emotions attached that were expressed in the video. Translating the word "purpose" back to my language suddenly totally changes its connotations. Suddenly, it sounds pathetic. Perhaps the words of my mother explaining that life has no purpose and I should not be searching one echo in my head. Anxiety raises, clearly attached to the word from the past, inertia of the thinking kicks in. It's a pretty good tool of self-discovery, and I'm working on letting the positives sink into my thinking.

There are words carrying whole concepts, which did never occur to me in their clear form, because of lacking translation. Interestingly, one of them is commitment. We don't have the phrase commit yourself to something. I mean, we do have a translation! It is literally derived from "tie yourself up", and for me at least (there might be others with a different feeling), it carries a strong sense of obligation. The English term commitment as I understand it now is much more voluntary. Of course, I can express the sentiment otherwise, using "I want to" and "I'm determined to" or "I've made a promise to myself". But having one specific word is different. Galagirl talked to me about "the desire for commitment". That is something that never ever occurred to me :eek:

Another quite interesting English word is connection. Now, this is a very vague term, but again one that is not used much in my language. "Connection" kind of merges with either "relationship" or "love" or "understanding". I find not only there isn't a specific word (the literal translation somehow works, but is not common), there is also less emphasis put on examining this quality of the relationship in my country. We just can't say that we feel disconnected - and interesting feature of the word. You can feel loved, but at the moment still disconnected.

Anyway, just a little excursion. I'm sure there were more! For example the word fulfillment. Well, this one has a direct translation, but I'm still trying to figure out what it means in either language ;) But I've never thought about it before. It's hollow. Did you ever notice that a whole set of attached emotions, pictures, associations and memories is what gives words their meaning in the first place?
 
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Did you ever notice that a whole set of attached emotions, pictures, associations and memories is what gives words their meaning in the first place?

I never thought about it, but that makes total sense. I am not bilingual. I have a working knowledge of a second language but am not fluent in it and can't imagine thinking in the language. This whole blog entry has been really fascinating, Tinwen. Thank you for sharing :)
 
What a fantastic and interesting post!

Yes, I am very aware of this concept. I took 4 years of French in school. Unfortunately between drug use as a teenager and not using the language in years to follow, I feel that I lost it. I could probably learn it again relatively easily (reminding myself of what is buried in my brain somewhere) if I put some effort into that. But at the time I spoke French reasonably well in addition to my native English and I did think in French, and I was beginning to get a sense of concepts in French that don't really translate well into English. You could find words to translate it, but a lot of the meaning will be lost.

A great illustration of this, is HUMOR. I read a book in French that I found utterly captivating and hilarious. Later, I found the same book translated into English. None of the jokes were funny! Most of them just made no sense. It was very disappointing.

Speaking of words that carry weight all by themselves. For me, the word, "disappointing" is a BIG one. And it was my childhood that did that. I came to think that my parents saying they were disappointed with me is how they would express I did not do well, so I did not deserve love so much and they liked and loved me less for not living up to their hopes. If anyone, to this day, says that they are disappointed in me, I become very defensive, and will usually withdraw most or all of my emotional vulnerability and investment from them. I would never, NEVER EVER, tell one of my children that I was disappointed with them, no matter what they do. I will find other words.
 
I had never consciously thought about this before, but - I talk to myself in French ALL THE TIME. I grew up speaking it some with my parents, though their Quebecois was very different from the polished French I eventually studied in school, and my French is a messy mix of the two.

These days I have no one to speak that language with, and I don't bother to read books in French anymore, but it's still the language I use in my head for some things. Never for things work related, or anything I plan to ever discuss with others, but my private self talk.

Also I still dream in French, or a nonsensical language where French and English words and grammar are mixed up together. The language of my childhood, I guess :eek:
 
I have a working knowledge of a second language but am not fluent in it and can't imagine thinking in the language.
The leap is maybe more a matter of psychology than of real language knowledge - so if your knowledge is indeed "working", it may take a few weeks of daily usage to for you to be able to switch your thinking (or just a few hours in a row, or maybe a few months, I don't know). It's not that big of a deal, really. Sure, unknown vocabulary will kick you out of the stream for a while, but mostly, your brain can work around it.

Also I still dream in French, or a nonsensical language where French and English words and grammar are mixed up together. The language of my childhood, I guess :eek:
Fascinating :)

Speaking of words that carry weight all by themselves. For me, the word, "disappointing" is a BIG one.
Try contemplating it in French and tell us, if there is a difference ;)
 
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I just wanted to save a positive summary of this thread, which made me emotional, from this post:
...
I was trying to pinpoint what a rule gives that you can't get otherwise. (I can find lots of ways around making a rule!)

The benefit is obvious (to me) in bdsm situations. So what was it in others? I learned a lot, some of which I can't make use of because it won't apply to me, some of it useful.

I learned I looked at trust as black and white, which is a silly thing to do.

I learned rules help couples clarify, very specifically, which behaviors will make their partner uncomfortable, which many need and don't want to risk making a guess on a case by case basis.

I learned that the hassle and pain necessary to eliminate the need for the rule isn't usually worth the effort and potential gain if a group is happy as is.

I observed rules work best when they have a procedure in place for if and when they want to change them.

I learned rules can add a layer of protection and structure and give strength to a relationship that wouldn't work without.

I theorized how it can help in both healthy and unhealthy ways to avoid fear. (Can be good or bad)

I was able to compare to benefits of structure of goal making, and with that I'll continue to try to brainstorm ways to get the same benefits of rules but implementing it more like goal making. ...
I really like most of the points. They are not obvious even to people like me who do create rules sometimes. Although I still prefer to think of them as agreements :)
 
Ok, polyamory.com, I've spent far too much time with you in the past few days. I'm taking a complete break for a week at least --- and need to write it out. See you later :)
 
There's so much to decide and so little certainty.

Apparently my health is deeply tied together with my psyche now, and especially with my school/work.
I got another tonsilitis a few weeks ago. This time it was perfectly clear: I got overwhelmed and fearful and started to worry that I can't manage my workload, and within 3 days I was ill.

Thankfully, it seems I have a great boss. He's being very sympathetic, and we agreed that I can make my summer as free as possible - I have exams to manage (and the upcoming weeks are not going to be easy at all) and conferences to go to, but hopefully this will be three times two weeks of vacation! I very much need rest. I have to figure out what's best to do with that time, so that I both enjoy myself and help my body and mind.

I got back to my feet last week to the point where I was really able to enjoy shibari this weekend. It's hard to worry about work if you're suspended head down on just a few wraps of rope... yeah, I'm boasting ;) We're finally there (able to do suspension) with both skill and experience, and we've figured out how to make some of the common ties a little more comfortable so that I can enjoy them.

Unfortunately, the energy of the weekend didn't last long. I had a teaching task for today (I don't usually teach, it was a projet for one of the lectures I take), and I was extremely nervous, and now I feel sick and worn out and just wondering if I can withstand this without getting ill again. Apparently, the mind-body connection is much stronger then I ever perceived. To think that I have a number of exams to go...

Is all this ill health telling me that I shouldn't do science? That I'm walking down the wrong path and should shift direction radically?
One minute I get excited about quantum computing, and then I almost collapse because there's an exam coming up. Great.
Or is my health telling me, that the work is too much for me ... that maybe I'll be never able to work the usual 40-hour week? I'm not sure, and I'm afraid.

Also, as I was ill, I was contemplating finally moving away from my parents' house. It's insane - it's a big house and there are currently 4 people in it, so it doesn't make any logical sense at all to be searching for yet another flat. I've got a lot of space - but I could still use more privacy. I like my parents, but I'm still getting this sense of disapproval from them if I deviate from the standard, and I have a hard time making choices. Including this one.
But getting more privacy would mean renting a one-room flat of my own, which is really expensive in this city. I can so-so afford it, and then I won't be saving any money. And, I'll be with even less everyday support, although the support I get from my parents is double-edged, especially in real crises.

It's all at once, all the topics came in a bundle together, leaving me with a feeling like I have no direction. Again.
 
Graduate school is incredibly difficult in any field. And I think the sciences ramp up that difficulty even more. I loved my graduate school time but it was exhausting and made me doubt everything about my life about every other day. Or every day if I was having a bad week.

This seems to be a normal reaction for most students. Everyone I met in school was exhausted, stressed, and regularly wondered what the hell they were doing here anyway?!?

Of course, you know yourself best. Maybe your body is telling you this is not a good idea. But it might be your body reacting to the difficult marathon you've signed up for. What you are doing is hard and stressful and takes a toil on everyone, even the healthiest, youngest, fittest person. It is taxing on even the most mentally tough people. But it is not insurmountable and can be managed.

Does your university have a counseling center or access to counselors for students? I found counseling, and support groups led by therapists, who focused on the particular issues faced by graduate students to be absolutely invaluable. If your school has such a thing, take advantage of it. Also realize you are in training for your intellectual marathon. You have to hydrate, sleep well, eat healthy and all that.
 
Thank you Opalescent! While I haven't responded right away, I've read and appreciated your post very much.

Everyone I met in school was exhausted, stressed, and regularly wondered what the hell they were doing here anyway?!?
While I think graduate school over here might be slightly less demanding then in US (no teaching duties and usually sane working hours), I may be totally underestimating the load. I tend to view my school/work as just any other job, as what I'm trying to do most of the year is normal working hours at my 'office'. Also, I think most of my fellow students are actually doing far better than on the bachelor's or even master's level, which were incredibly stressful indeed and inviting the reaction you describe.

But reflecting on your post, I may be underestimating how all of it is for me. I've been basically learning a whole new field of physics, and seeing the depth of knowledge (as well as gaps in what I should have already learned) is pretty overwhelming in itself. I'm doing theory which will mean perhaps less overtime hours, but more strain on the mind. Studying really is hard - I know that during exam periods in the past I had to sleep up to 10 hours a day. So it's probably not like working your average office job, it's like starting in a new job every couple of months.
And in addition to that I'm probably lacking some social and communication skills, which makes me stressed about negotiating, and managing projects with other people, and just basic relationships at work (and in the worst case being examined by co-workers/teachers) - although everyone around has been nothing but supportive.

Maybe your body is telling you this is not a good idea. But it might be your body reacting to the difficult marathon you've signed up for. What you are doing is hard and stressful and takes a toil on everyone, even the healthiest, youngest, fittest person. It is taxing on even the most mentally tough people. But it is not insurmountable and can be managed.
I'm afraid my bodies reaction is certainly not "normal" in the way of "everyone is stressed" - no, people don't spend half of their time ill, and if they do, it's time for massive changes.

But I think I will manage grad school. I can't imagine being fulfilled any other way (unless I'd switch 180° to work in some area related to psychology -- which would have even harder inherent challenges).

Does your university have a counseling center or access to counselors for students? I found counseling, and support groups led by therapists, who focused on the particular issues faced by graduate students to be absolutely invaluable. If your school has such a thing, take advantage of it.
Unfortunately, it doesn't. We only have a center for "career advice" which I didn't find very useful. Mental health is not a big topic here (more taboo than in English speaking countries), and it's left over to the public health care system.

My attempt to start individual therapy again ended after two meetings - I didn't get along well with the lady. But I'll be searching on.
Also realize you are in training for your intellectual marathon. You have to hydrate, sleep well, eat healthy and all that.
You're right and I've failed spectacularly in that area during my studies, so that's a part of the problem for sure. I'm good with hydration and sleep (mostly), but I'm eating tons of sugar and never came to appreciate exercise.
I've made little tweaks in the past year like making sure to eat at least some vegetables every day, but that's by far not enough, and my attempts along the lines of 'let me take yoga class again' or 'let me go swimming twice a week' ended shortly (with another tonsilitis or something:rolleyes:).

I can see that a major change of diet and incorporating exercise into my daily routine is in place - but I've resisted it massively so far. I also think it's spiral (tired - not feeling like exercising or making changes - more tired...), which maybe with the right approach I can break over the summer.

I'm just about beginning to take responsibility. This may take some more setbacks to overcome. Your post was a good reminder.
 
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