New NM couple - both messed up. Advice please!

CAguy

New member
Hi everyone

Thanks for taking a few minutes to read this. My wife and I have been together 9 years and only in the past few months talked about non-monogamy. I'll list our situation below and hope to get some good advice from people way more experienced in this than we are! We've messed up pretty early that's all, as you'll see below.

1. 6 months ago, my wife and I had some issues and were living together still but during a conversation we talked about potentially being 'separated'. Anyway, my wife slept with another guy, which she hid and I found out about. We continued living and sleeping together but clearly this was a big problem and the catalyst for our relationship changing.

2. We agreed to work things out and it wasn't a 'score settling' issue but we talked about me sleeping with another woman to see how it feels and then exploring non-monogamy together, as a couple.

3. We didn't want to make too many rules (mistake, we know now) but talked about bringing someone back to our apartment. Initially we said no and then casually talked about it being ok. We didn't make any rules one way or another which was a mistake, clearly.

4. This past weekend, I invited a woman over to our place (my wife knew about her and that I would be seeing her soon but we hadn't agreed on a date/place) and we slept together. My wife was in Vegas with friends and couldn't get in touch with me as I made a point of not dealing with my phone while I was with this woman. My wife made the assumption part way through the night that I must be sleeping with someone (as we always return each others' texts) and so she decided the only way to feel better about that was to sleep with another guy at the same time, which she did.

5. Clearly, we have both fucked up here. I've had a woman at our apartment without it being clearly agreed beforehand (although we talked about it being ok casually). My wife slept with someone without knowing I was doing the same but based on that assumption. "If you push me into a corner like this, this is how I will always react" were her words.

Not looking to see who is right/wrong (obviously we've had that argument) but looking to get perspective and work out if it's possible to get past this and come up with something to ensure it doesn't happen again. Better communication seems the most obvious thing!

Also open to the possibility that our relationship might not work. Seems like the past 6 months have been the worst time we've had together, even though we both like the idea of non-monogamy.

thank you!
 
Hi. Welcome CAGuy. I'm new to the forums myself.

Your situation sounds really complicated. You might have to devote time to writing and explaining the situation more.

My first thoughts are that there seem to be other problems in your relationship other than multiple lovers. Issues of trust, communication, honesty. Possibly even deeper issues as well. Have you seen a couples counsellor?

If you have both cheated and are past the blame game, and have both forgiven each other, perhaps it's time to start your relationship from scratch. New vows. My wife and I found it helpful to write the following lists:
  • Why do we want to continue a relationship with each other (your reason might be different from hers).
  • Why do we wish to do polyamory (your reason might be different from hers).
  • What in our personalities or skills or mindset will help us in succeeding in polyamory?
  • What will work against us in our quest for a successful polyamorous relationship?

When I first heard about polyamory 2 months ago, I thought it was about multiple loves. I suspect polyamory is more about loving yourself. Even if you and your wife have 2 or 3 lovers each, all of whom proffess to love you totally, there will come a time when you will have to spend a long night alone in bed because your lovers are all with their other lovers. Most people react to that by feeling unloved. How do you imagine yourself coping?

Successful polyamory, I believe, has more to do with loving yourself and being self sufficient than it is about multiple loves. Of course I could be spouting a bunch of gibberish. I'm not currently polyamorous anyway, but like you, I'm exploring the possibility.

The book "more than two" is often suggested as a good way to start. Learning self sufficiency is probably a must. Understanding jealousy and new relationship energy is also required. Good luck and let us know how you go. You may have some advice for me in a few months' time. ;)
 
Hi CAguy,

A couple of book/website resources that might help you are:

As for communication, you might consider the NVC process developed by Marshall Rosenberg. Rosenberg wrote a number of books, including, in 2003, "Nonviolent Communication: a language of life."

Hopefully that gives you something to work with.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It sounds as though you're both stuck in a "tit for tat" conflict habituated loop.

It's NOT healthy. You could maybe walk it back with four or five years (maybe more) of intensive therapy, both as individuals & as a couple, & likely ongoing sessions in order to maintain your sucesses.

Best solution?

Break up.

Seriously.

Separate, get your own places, divorce, divide stuff up, have lives as individuals for a year (or more). Meet new people, have sex (one-nighters, ongoing relationships, whatever), get some experience withoutthe thrills of cheating. Therapy couldn't hurt either of you.

And only THEN can you properly decide whether you actually WANT to be together, or whether you're merely stuck in a (more-or-less) comfortable rut.

Or, admit you WANT the rut & you kinda enjoy the struggle & the backstabbing & undercutting -- nothing WRONG with that, but don't bullshit yourselves.
 
I realise I am very new to poly relationships but read your post and wanted to reply.

Firstly you both have to decide if you want to stay together. Do not let anyone else influence tgis decision. From what i have read it seems to me you are not alone in an acfair starging talks about poly relationships. You first have to get over the idea that a majority of society presses on us that we can only love one person at a time.
Do you both want other partners to love or would an open relationship suit you better? You need to also decide that between the two of you.

If poly is the way to go set ground rules, as you have already realised you need to do.
Poly is not just about having sexual partners outside your marriage, it is loving other partners in long term relationships, as I am sure you realise. With some ground rules in olace and ooen and hobest discussions there is no reason you cant get past you marriage issues and remain happy together, while having other relationships.
 
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