girlfriend wants to open up the long distance relationship

jackson11

New member
I've posted on here before about how I was having a couple issues with communication with my girlfriend. if you have time, you can read about it here if it has an impact on what advice you give on this thread. Otherwise, long story short, i felt as though communication was very weak but it may have been a case of her just being super busy after moving etc. GF may be losing interest in LDR

bit of background info that may be useful:
My girlfriend has always been open to the idea of swinging and trying out different things in a relationship
I'll be visiting her once a month for 4 days, and she comes up for 2 weeks twice a year and once for one week + Christmas holidays (where i live that's alteast 6 weeks)
Both very reasonable people
She's got a very high sex drive
We were together for about 5 months before she left for another city to do her university course (2 years long). Last night she called me about a month in and said," this is hard", to which i responded, "what is?", "long distance".
she also said that she "hated it". not because of me but just because of how I'm never around. I asked to call and asked her to explain whats going on, and she said that before she left, we spent all of our time together, it was the main reason we started going out. It just made sense. When we first started talking, it was just casual, then it became casual but exclusive, then full on relationship.
But now without me around, she finds herself feeling upset every now and then due to her lack of communication making her feel like a terrible girlfriend. she also said that shes sure it would build up resentment if we carried on like this. It wasn't working like clock work.
She then went a bit downhill from there. She said we had our whole lives a head of us and we didn't need to settle down already (were both 18). However, she says were perfect for each other. I'm not sure weather she said this just to strengthen her argument because im pretty certain that if things work out for the next two years, shed happily be with me.
Anyways, the point she was trying to get across was that she didn't want to be miserable for the next two years and have her life on hold while shes at uni. She goes out to parties every weekend as she lives in a building of flats so i suppose she often sees people hooking up and what not.

After a while, she said that she wanted to take it down a notch, back to how it used to be when we first started talking, the casual non exclusive stage. So i suggested if an open relationship was what she wanted. to which she seemed very excited and pleased to hear me say without me freaking out about it.
I was open to the idea because i knew how she needs physical attention but at the same time, i didn't really like the idea of other men on my women. I told her that obviously nothing was going to happen for a while as we've just arranged it, but she could start hooking up with guys in the future. We discussed boundaries about who she can hook up with and what not as well. I told her that I wasn't comfortable with her sleeping with other guys as the thought kind of wears me out. She seemed to agree with it but also seemed like she wanted to push for it at some stage in the future.

we discussed how we can't grow emotional attachment to anyone we hook up with and how it can only be one off in nature. It's a temporary solution while we're apart for 2 years.

We had rules for me too, but we both knew that I was much less likely to go out of my way to find a lady to hook up with as I dont really have that desire.

I suppose that the way we were going definitely wasn't working great and we needed a change of pace, weather changing our relationship to being open is the right move, I'm not sure. I'm definitely not opposed to the idea because i know how much she likes physical contact, and as long as she still loves me the same i dont really have an issue.

My question is, is me taking sex out of the equation going to be a problem, and could this whole thing blow up in my face? My argument was that I see her enough that it shouldn't really be an issue. also, am i just being made a fool by letting this happen? Could this change her love for me? I genuinely love her and i know she feels the same so i dont like to think of it like that, but i know that love blinds people so thats why I'm here for some outside advice.
 
Hi jackson11,

I wouldn't just arbitrarily take sex out of the equation, instead I would mention to her the idea and find out how she feels about it. Sure you're seeing her quite a bit for an LDR, but it's not like you're seeing her every day either. It really depends on whether she is a sex-every-day type of gal.

Anything could potentially blow up, any thing any relationship, it's a risk you have to take. That would be true even if it wasn't an open arrangement. People fall in and out of love, it happens. Opening the relationship is a risk, but staying closed is a risk also. How things turn out will depend on the details about the individuals involved, even on chance.

Of course I could be wrong ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Anything could potentially blow up, any thing any relationship, it's a risk you have to take. That would be true even if it wasn't an open arrangement. People fall in and out of love, it happens. Opening the relationship is a risk, but staying closed is a risk also. How things turn out will depend on the details about the individuals involved, even on chance.

Fucking ZING! That is well said, sir.

Sorry, I don't have anything else to add, I just wanted to show my appreciation.
 
After a while, she said that she wanted to take it down a notch, back to how it used to be when we first started talking, the casual non exclusive stage.

So i suggested if an open relationship was what she wanted.

I told her that I wasn't comfortable with her sleeping with other guys as the thought kind of wears me out. She seemed to agree with it but also seemed like she wanted to push for it at some stage in the future.

If this is Open, why is her having sex her "pushing" it? :confused:

we discussed how we can't grow emotional attachment to anyone we hook up with and how it can only be one off in nature. It's a temporary solution while we're apart for 2 years.

So... say she does develop feelings for a sex partner. Then what? :confused:

I am sorry you are struggling.

Your GF is being honest with you. She's realized she cannot deal with exclusive LDR. She wants to date/share sex with local people as well as dating you LDR.

You are being presented with a new offer. You decide if you are up for it or if you want to decline.

I think you could be more honest with her rather than giving mixed messages above. It's like you say "Ok, we can call it Open. But no sex. And if there HAS to be sex, only one night stands." You don't sound like you are considering "Open" because you love Open relationships. You are considering it because you are trying to avoid a break up. Is that what is happening here? :(

You don't really sound like you want to participate in a model where your GF dates/shares sex with other people. If you are looking for an exclusive relationship, you could accept that she might not be the GF person you want at this time. You love her, but you each want different things right now.

Rather than bend yourself into pretzels? If you don't like going back to casual? Decline the offer. Part ways clean. Then she is free TO date locally, and you are free FROM worrying about who she's hooking up with or if things are going to blow up in your face. Nobody is building any resentments.

She said we had our whole lives a head of us and we didn't need to settle down already (were both 18). However, she says were perfect for each other. I'm not sure weather she said this just to strengthen her argument because im pretty certain that if things work out for the next two years, shed happily be with me.

I think she's right. You are both 18. You don't have to settle into anything exclusive right now. And she might be right that you could be perfect for each other in the future. How about worrying about that THEN?

If after 2 years you want to be together again? You can do that at THAT point in time.

Galagirl
 
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If this is Open, why is her having sex her "pushing" it? :confused:



So... say she does develop feelings for a sex partner. Then what? :confused:

I am sorry you are struggling.

Your GF is being honest with you. She's realized she cannot deal with exclusive LDR. She wants to date/share sex with local people as well as dating you LDR.

You are being presented with a new offer. You decide if you are up for it or if you want to decline.

I think you could be more honest with her rather than giving mixed messages above. It's like you say "Ok, we can call it Open. But no sex. And if there HAS to be sex, only one night stands." You don't sound like you are considering "Open" because you love Open relationships. You are considering it because you are trying to avoid a break up. Is that what is happening here? :(

You don't really sound like you want to participate in a model where your GF dates/shares sex with other people. If you are looking for an exclusive relationship, you could accept that she might not be the GF person you want at this time. You love her, but you each want different things right now.

Rather than bend yourself into pretzels? If you don't like going back to casual? Decline the offer. Part ways clean. Then she is free TO date locally, and you are free FROM worrying about who she's hooking up with or if things are going to blow up in your face. Nobody is building any resentments.



I think she's right. You are both 18. You don't have to settle into anything exclusive right now. And she might be right that you could be perfect for each other in the future. How about worrying about that THEN?

If after 2 years you want to be together again? You can do that at THAT point in time.

Galagirl

i think you're right.
We're both trying to do this to avoid a break up. I dont really want an open relationship. I go down to her in a couple days and thats when I'll tell her how I'm feeling.
In all honesty, it feels like shes lost a bit of interest. I'm gona tell her that we can still talk every now and then, and when she comes up to see her family we can still go on dates and stuff, but until shes back living around me i think I need to keep myself distant.
 
You guys are 18.... how many break ups have you done before? Like other dating skills, it takes time to learn how to do them well.

It sounds like you have a plan for a peaceful parting. Tell her honestly how you feel and break up when you see her. No more (exclusive relationship/LDR thing.)

When she visits her family, you can have casual dates if you both want that at that point in time.

You are being honest and clear about what you are NOT up for, and what you ARE up for.

Hope the talk goes well.

Galagirl
 
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