New to this, could use advise/support

Alli90

New member
Hello, I'm Alli. Sorry this is long but I feel you need some background info and that I need to talk to someone to help sort things out. I found out a few months ago what polyamory was and was so happy to see that I am not alone in loving more than one person. I have been in a monogamous relationship for 10 years with Dave and we are not married; he is my high school sweetheart. I have never had sex with anyone except him, or been in a serious relationship with anyone other than him.
We have almost broken up a few times because I have strong feelings towards people who I am close with. I have always felt like a bad person for having these feelings and always feel guilty and like I'm cheating on him in my head and heart even though I have never cheated physically. I never wanted to break up with him because I do love him, but with how I was raised I assumed the fact that I had feelings for another person meant something was wrong with my current relationship.
We are very open with each other and talk a lot, I told him of how I feel and he actually told me about polyamory. He was the LBGQT club president at his college, he strongly supports being an ally of other sexualities and that they should have equal rights. He is strait and monogamous. Even though he is so open minded he is very jealous of my feelings toward others.
We are in college and have roommates, both I which I am in love with. He knows this. Dave is still trying to wrap his head around what our lives will be like with me identifying as poly. He is not sure if he can handle how I feel and so far isn't open to letting me have another intimate relationship. So far my two (male) roommates are like best friends to me. Roommate A was very close to me but backed off and freaked out when I told him I liked him as more than a friend (this was during my almost breakup with Dave last year). We have become friends again but he made it clear he wasn't comfortable with the situation, he said he views me as a sister. He does not know I'm poly.
Roommate B and I are very close (best friend level) and we were on a drive and he asked me about what had happened the previous year during the almost break up with Dave and what happened between me and roommate A; since we are close I opened up to him and explained how I feel about others and that I have feelings for him. Ends up he is poly too and totally understands, he also likes me. So far we have stayed at a level of good friendship and have not done anything physical since Dave is not on board with me being in other romantic/physical relationships.
It just sucks because there is someone I live with who accepts me and understands me and likes me too and I really want to act on it and be physical with him. Uuuuuuuggghhh. I feel anxious and guilty all the time because I really do love Dave, but I also could have a wonderful full relationship with roommate B. I hope what I have said is clear, I'm sure I've missed things, sorry for any spelling errors as well I'm writing on my cell phone. Thanks for your time �� this is sort of a rant haha.
 
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Hi and welcome. Please go back and add paragraph breaks to your post. A huge wall of text is difficult to read and you'll have a better chance of getting responses if you make it easier on us. You have 12 hours to edit a post. Thanks!
 
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Greetings Alli90,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

This will probably be hard to hear :(, but you might have to choose between Dave and Roommate B. If you choose Dave, you'll have to live a monogamous life. If you choose Roommate B, you can probably live a polyamorous life. How important is polyamory to you? What factors will weigh into your decision?

I hope we can help. Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
At this point I'm not sure how important a polyamorous relationship is. It is something I would like to explore, but I am so new to knowing this actually is a thing that I'm still sorting out my feelings. I really feel that I could have a wonderful relationship with roommate B, but I have so much history with Dave. Dave and I have 3 cats together and have been together a long time. I think maybe I just need time for now. It is nice to know that I'm not the only person out there with these feelings though. Thanks for welcoming me!
 
No problem; anything we can do to help, we'll be glad to do so.
 
Dave is still trying to wrap his head around what our lives will be like with me identifying as poly. He is not sure if he can handle how I feel and so far isn't open to letting me have another intimate relationship.

Dave does not "let" you have other relationships. YOU are the one in charge of that and you pick which relationships you want to participate in.

Dave owns his willingness to participate in the things he wants to participate in.

I think what you mean is "At this time, if I choose to participate in consenting, concurrent relationships? If I choose to build a poly grouping of some kind? Dave is not up for continuing to date me in a poly context. He does not want to date me concurrently with other people."

He'd bow out, because he doesn't want to be participating a polyship. He is allowed to do that -- he gets to pick what he's up for or not. Same as you getting to pick what you are up for or not. :eek:

I really feel that I could have a wonderful relationship with roommate B, but I have so much history with Dave

The history would not go anywhere. You would still have that past history with Dave.

What you might not have is dating Roomie B and Dave at the same time. For that to happen all 3 people have to be willing.

All you can do is ask if B and Dave each -- "Are you willing to participate in a polyship of some kind?" and accept the answer from each. See what lines up and what does not. Figure out what open model you want to practice together.

And if it turns out that you want to spend your some time exploring dating others even if the price of admission means letting the dating relationship with Dave go? Then that's what you choose. So you can be free to pursue what you want to pursue.

You could build a different relationship shape with Dave instead. Friends, exes, whatever else you and he find that fits you both better at this point in time.

Galagirl
 
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What you're feeling is quite normal I think. You and Dave have history, but no children and aren't married (I'm assuming), and all that you really need to consider is how you want to live your life. Chemistry happens!

- Will you regret not acting on your feelings for Roommate B in 10 years?
- Are you OK with Dave feeling jealous?
 
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