The elephant in the room
Life has been too busy to update this, sorry.
Let's see..when I left off Golden was living at Bond's house every other week. That has changed since then. He is now living at Bond's full-time. He also has one child with him every day. Which child varies, but one is always with him and one with the ex.
Other updates:
B had to slow her dating roll, so she and Bond are only doing occasional lunch dates for now.
M: one challenging chick to have for a metamour. A correction: I thought she and Bond had been dating 6 months, but they actually have been dating nearly a year and a half. Significant detail, IMO.
Some history of dealing with M.
Late April Bond had a work trip to CA (Mon-Thurs). We had planned on spending Sunday together, actually we had planned to spend Saturday night together, too. He and M had Friday night and Saturday together. Weeks before M had organized a get-together for Saturday night and had invited me via Facebook. We had not met prior to this. I had been telling Bond that I'd love to meet her and asked if we could meet for lunch. M didn't want to, but later changed her mind, so a lunch date was set up for Bond and two of his three sons, M, and me. On the way to the restaurant M told Bond she was spending the night at his place. He told her that was not what they had discussed, but went along with it and adjusted our plans.
The next morning I sent Bond a text asking him what time something he hosts at his house was ending, because M had asked that I not attend this public group meeting as she wanted to keep it as a special thing she and Bond share. After sending the text, my son and I went for a walk. When I got home I saw Bond had replied with a time and then another text with a comment. I let it be. Later I sent him a text saying I was taking my son back to his college town that he lives in. He responded with a text asking what time I'd be getting back. So, that was the total texting for the day; basically all about logistics/timing, other than the one text from Bond.
(I had been told that M sleeps until noon, because she works 2nd/3rd shift hours.)
That evening M started sending Bond texts. First it was asking if we were going to X for trivia, because if we were she wouldn't go. Bond stared and stared at his phone, totally annoyed. He then explained that M had told him that day that she thought it was rude to text while on a date. (Remember, this was Sunday and their "date" started Friday night.) He personally doesn't think it's necessary to monitor when someone sends a text. It's his prerogative when he responds; if he's engaged in conversation, he'll ignore it, if he's watching T.V. he'll probably answer directly, etc. I asked him to let her know that we wouldn't be going to trivia so that her mind could be at ease. She continued to send text messages - which he ignored, because they were just attention seeking texts. She later admitted she sent them to 'prove a point.' The next day M sent a flurry of texts and emails about this. Every time he'd land at an airport he'd have messages waiting for him, debating her point. She then went on Facebook and created a poll in a private polyamory group we all belong to about this subject. She failed to mention that their "date" was 48 hours long, or that she had basically hijacked our Sunday. The poll results and comments had to have been disappointing for M, as few sided with her, even with the limited background of the situation they had.
As the weeks have gone on it's become evident that M does not want to cross paths with me...not even if I am at the house to see Golden on the same night she is there to see Bond. Not even if Golden and I are there for a short while (dinner), leave for an event, and then return for bed.
M has had lengthy discussions with Bond and Golden (as a friend and also because he is dating me) about her need to not cross paths with me.
In subsequent conversations with Bond I voiced my opinion that it is strange that she never brings a child with when she comes. And that whether or not the kids live with her, it is still odd. She sees them after school for a couple of hours before she leaves for work and spends her rotating two days off per week with Bond, sans children. (She is a mother of five children, the youngest one being 12 days older than his youngest.) I said that I thought she didn't want to share even with her own children. He thought I was nuts.
Again, M posted on the Facebook poly group.
June 2, 2015
M: "Topic: Undivided attention.
Discuss.
(Yep - uber vague, deliberately. I'm mostly looking for gut reaction, tip o' the tongue responses this time! What is the FIRST thing that springs into your head?)"
M: "It's not a question of value, it's a question of engagement. Is their brain engaged with me, right now in this moment, or is it focused on a video game? Is their heart engaged with me, right now, or are they looking at another across the room thinking about the last time they were curled up on the couch with them? It's a matter of being "present" with me, as in Buddhism."
Honey, if you think that man's squirrel brain is remotely wishing I was the one sitting next to him, you are doing him a disservice. Our brains are busy. His thoughts are firing rapidly. He probably looked up and thought, "Hey, they're back...67th loop, returning 0 instead of 4, must have a memory leak (he's a game programmer), what's that noise? Are the kids fighting? They should be in bed...(looks down at M)...hey, boobies!...I hope she's okay." That's more realistic. He's happy you're by his side. He loves you.
Weekend of June 6-7:
Golden invited Bond and me to join him and his extended family for a camping weekend. First I didn't think I wanted to go if Bond wasn't going, then after talking to Golden, I decided I'd go regardless. Meanwhile, Golden created a Facebook event for the camping weekend and opened the invitation up to all of his friends.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to go because Golden isn't being open about the fact that he is dating. His therapist advised against letting his children know he is dating until the divorce is final a year. (seriously?!) Going camping with his kids, and his aunts, cousin, and uncle didn't sound like a good idea. Going there with Bond would change the direction of their assumptions as to who is with whom, and make for easier socializing.
M decided she would also go camping. Bond tried to discourage her, telling her that we had already made plans and that he was going to be there with me if he went. She suggested she call in sick to work (Saturday) and he told her that would be the exact opposite of helping things.
Friday afternoon when I arrived at Bond's to caravan with them to the campground they were still packing coolers and Bond's kids hadn't arrived yet. I felt like I shouldn't be there. I wanted to go sit in my car, but then M sat down on the couch and chit chatted with me when Bond's kids arrived. The atmosphere was comfortable and I had hope that this would be an okay weekend.
M and Bond did the couple thing for the most part Friday night and Saturday. The atmosphere between M and myself was comfortable. We talked and enjoyed each other's company for the most part. I was so relieved!
Saturday M decided to stay instead of going to work, so she called in sick. Their date time was supposed to end Saturday afternoon, but M managed to keep pulling Bond off for discussion and other couple-ish things for some time.
There comes a point where you just need to go off by yourself and regroup. I went for a walk to think. My thoughts weren't in the happiest of places. Bond has been scared to tell M that I am moving in and that he and I are building a primary relationship. He keeps waiting for her to be okay with me being such a big part of his life. She says she's working on it. We can all see the struggle. I'm not sure if we are seeing favorable results. Her words say one thing one time and her actions and words contradict the next time. I feel like we are essentially lying to her by not letting her know that plans have been made and intentions declared. The drop dead date for telling her is August.
Bond has passive language. It's very obvious with his kids. I've also seen him struggle with standing up to M, like with this camping weekend. As a result I was questioning if I wanted to remain in a relationship with this dynamic.
When I returned to the campsite, Bond was getting ready to go for a walk with son #2. He had been worried about where I had been. We had a brief conversation about M staying and not going to work. I voiced that I wondered if she was doing it to prove a point about solo time. He started to object, but then admitted that she had set a precedent with the texting incident. We walked and talked. We returned and spent family time around the fire. M had disappeared off by herself.
The wind was steadily picking up and a storm was not far off. I kept watching for M to step into the light of the campfire, but she never did. I wanted to send her a text saying to come back, but she didn't have service so she hadn't been carrying her phone with her.
Before we went to bed, Bond discovered she was sleeping in her car. She had mentioned before when we were loading things that she loved that her seats laid flat and that if she wanted she could actually sleep in there. She assured Bond that she was fine, and that she just wanted to give me space. We could sleep in her tent or mine (two of the Bond's boys were in my tent) this way.
I was relieved she wasn't out in the storm. I didn't sleep well that night. I resolved that I never wanted either one of us to feel so badly that we'd sleep in our car ever again. The next morning M and I talked...and hugged. Overall, I thought we'd made progress.