How Common is My Story and How Do I Support My Partners With It?

I had some difficulties in my teenage years which sent me slightly off the rails; I don't really fancy sharing details here and it doesn't have much relevance now, but it did leave me with severe depression which was later diagnosed as bipolar.

I had multiple relationships through my 20s and 30s, I was married twice and engaged a further three times. A traditional Serial Monogamist!

By 31 my second marriage was coming to an end and I started to look inwards to find out why. It was never that I fell out of love with my partner, I still love each and every one of them in one way or another, but it was more that I just would go through low periods and then would need something new in my life.

I tried therapy for sex addiction because people told me that's what I needed. It never worked. I was not a sex addict. I ama love addict. I realized I am addicted to meeting and falling for people and love the way that they enrich my life.

For 5 years now I have been in a poly relationship and am at the happiest I've ever been. I still really enjoy intense meaningful relationships but I love that bubbly feeling when it's all new. NRE is the best drug available.

Buuuuuuuuuut I seem to be hurting my existing partners with it....

Now I noticed this about myself when it happened once before. As my mood dips up and down so does my image of myself and the image I project. When I'm low I still really enjoy my existing relationships and feel immensely close to them. I love the fact that they know me so well and are my best friends, I love the fact that I can be open and honest with them and they are there for me when I am at my lowest and needing them. I know that's not fair of me and I shouldn't be needy but I try to be honest with all new partners as and when I meet them. When I am at my best I project a much happier version of myself - every new partner I have met has been while feeling great about myself.

And it's a self perpetuating thing where the NRE that ensues makes me feel even better! It has an affect on my behavior - I end up feeling such love in my heart, feeling closer to my existing partners, new partners, even strangers I meet, and above all I love myself during these times.

Now the first time I noticed this I met 3 partners in a very short space of time, 2 of which have lasted to this day. Then the second time I got stuck into this happy cycle was just over the last few months - I got very bubbly inside and met 2 lovely new people.

My existing partners want me to slow down a bit. My guy (who is sort of my primary, for want of a better word for it) says the number doesn't matter to him but he can't keep pace with the change and adjust to it all mentally. My girl just can't cope with it, for her 4 partners total is too many and she has concerns over time.

Is this reaction to NRE common? Feeling like you go bubbly inside and get drugged up on love to the point of being oblivious to the world around you? To the point where you fall hard for all these amazing new people (and fall even harder still for the wonderful best friends and partners who supported me through the hardest times).

If it is common then how do you support your partners with the rapid pace of change? The massive peaks and troughs are something I have learnt to cope with and the drugs generally keep me on the level. But I need them to understand how euphoric NRE is for me when I am feeling good :)
 
I tried therapy for sex addiction because people told me that's what I needed. It never worked. I was not a sex addict. I ama love addict. I realized I am addicted to meeting and falling for people and love the way that they enrich my life.

For 5 years now I have been in a poly relationship and am at the happiest I've ever been. I still really enjoy intense meaningful relationships but I love that bubbly feeling when it's all new. NRE is the best drug available.

Buuuuuuuuuut I seem to be hurting my existing partners with it....

Now I noticed this about myself when it happened once before. As my mood dips up and down so does my image of myself and the image I project. When I'm low I still really enjoy my existing relationships and feel immensely close to them. I love the fact that they know me so well and are my best friends, I love the fact that I can be open and honest with them and they are there for me when I am at my lowest and needing them. I know that's not fair of me and I shouldn't be needy but I try to be honest with all new partners as and when I meet them. When I am at my best I project a much happier version of myself - every new partner I have met has been while feeling great about myself.

And it's a self perpetuating thing where the NRE that ensues makes me feel even better! It has an affect on my behavior - I end up feeling such love in my heart, feeling closer to my existing partners, new partners, even strangers I meet, and above all I love myself during these times.

Now the first time I noticed this I met 3 partners in a very short space of time, 2 of which have lasted to this day. Then the second time I got stuck into this happy cycle was just over the last few months - I got very bubbly inside and met 2 lovely new people.

My existing partners want me to slow down a bit. My guy (who is sort of my primary, for want of a better word for it) says the number doesn't matter to him but he can't keep pace with the change and adjust to it all mentally. My girl just can't cope with it, for her 4 partners total is too many and she has concerns over time.

Is this reaction to NRE common? Feeling like you go bubbly inside and get drugged up on love to the point of being oblivious to the world around you? To the point where you fall hard for all these amazing new people (and fall even harder still for the wonderful best friends and partners who supported me through the hardest times).

If it is common then how do you support your partners with the rapid pace of change? The massive peaks and troughs are something I have learnt to cope with and the drugs generally keep me on the level. But I need them to understand how euphoric NRE is for me when I am feeling good :)

It's not uncommon for folks in general to experience NRE that intensely. I would not be surprised if NRE is felt more intensely by bipolar folks who are cycling. I've been around bipolar folks who are at the beginning of the mania cycle and it can be intoxicating. The level of energy they generate is amazing and intense especially when all that is focused on you. (My ex is bipolar.) I'm not surprised that bubbly you is attracting many people during these times.

But... you do seem to be perhaps self-medicating with NRE. There are worse things to self-medicate with, honestly. However, I bolded some phrases above that concern me. What happens to you when you are not in a bubbly NRE phase? Do you love yourself then too? NRE generates a chemical bath love that is an intense high. But that kind of love often dissipates into other forms of love. Do you experience those too? It seemed to hint at you only loved yourself during the high of NRE and this made me hurt for you. I suspect this is not entirely accurate, as you mention you do love your partners when you are in the more depressive cycle because of how they care for you during those times.

And you noticed that this was self-reinforcing loop for you. You are getting rewarded for interacting on a loving level with people, which makes you more bubbly, which attracts more people, and so on. At some point this loop puts you at risk for using people. I'm *not* saying you are doing this, just that I see the possibility. More happy chemicals, more loving interactions! More people, more chemicals, more happy! - until the loop stops. However, people are not just inputs into the loop. Can you get this self-reinforcing loop from loving interactions with others that are not NRE soaked? In my experience, that is how lasting, deep intimacy is built. It's after the chemical bath recedes that someone gets to know other people more deeply. In fact, NRE can retard this intimacy process by confusing the mind with chemical bath love that feels awesome but is only the beginning point of truly knowing and learning to love that other person as they actually are. Does NRE preclude you from becoming more deeply intimate with your partners? It can have that effect - chasing that high could focus your efforts and mind toward the new shiny! and not current partners. You might be doing just fine with intimacy - only you would know that - but if you are chasing the loop, you might be missing out on opportunities to go deeper with your current partners. It is a common enough pattern - some people do focus on NRE in order to avoid intimacy.

And, yeah, four partners is a lot. It's not impossible but it is hard to give that many people your best. Again, people manage but I do understand your current partners' fears about time. Time is needed to sustain relationships - skimp on time and that can damage a loving connection.

Anyway, that's my rambling thoughts about the situation. I hope it is useful to you. I wish you the best!
 
NRE for me is also extremely intense
Although, pretty rare. I have had several relationships where I have "grown in love" and several where I think I could have fallen really hard but it never really worked out because they didn't reciprocate, but when they do and it becomes that cycle of being drowned in dopamine... well wow. I don't really know how else to describe it, but definitely like an intense drug addiction.

I am much newer to poly than you (only 6 months) but I have some ideas/questions to bounce off of you.

What do your partners mean when they ask you to slow down, specifically? How long have you been dating these new people (not that it matters to me, but just logically for you to consider how well you really know them)? What are your current time commitments, and how do you see this working out best-case-scenario? How do you imagine dividing your time... can you see some of these partners being more casual, where you don't invest as much time/energy? Are your current partners getting enough of your time and energy now to feel content? Are they happy with things now, but just worried about what might happen if you get more serious with new people?

I think the request to "slow down" is just too vague. Ask them to be more specific about what they want and need from you. I am curious what you guy means by the rapid pace of change... are you suggesting any major life changes because of the NRE?
 
A very similar thing happened to me last summer. In the space of 2 months my whole world flipped on it's head in every which way - to start with in July 2013 I was monogamous but open minded to polyamory as a concept. Anyway, I was being made a scapegoat at work and being effectively systematically forced out of the organisation. I held on until my final big commission cheque then handed in my notice.

Around the same time I met a lovely lady and we had a ONS - the best ONS I've ever had!! We stayed in contact - then we ended up starting to date. 3 weeks in she told me she was bi and had fallen in love with a woman. She was crying her eyes out because she didn't want to lose either of us and was then shocked and delighted when we both said she didn't have to. Everyone was cool with the situation.

I was flooded with NRE, Compersion and also this huge love for myself. I was identifying in a whole new way and life was all just making sense to me.

Then I met S. She was new to London and just setting out on life's next big adventure. Due to both of our life changes at this time we both fell very hard and NRE was in overload. I had so much love in my heart and it was making me feel on top of the world.

Then I met J and again those same feelings. Only this time S wasn't comfortable with it. We had only been together a short period and wanted to settle into us before opening things up more. So I backed off.

But with the rush of happy feelings I was losing touch with reality a bit. My perception of time especially was well out of sync. I was also struggling to understand the reasons for Ss request or what I could do to make her feel more secure. To make it harder still the one thing she kept saying she needed was time but there were 2 problems here;

1) Js visa to stay in the country had just 4 months left
2) my perception of time was worse than a dr who assistant on day one of the job

I think as a result the NRE rush, my total lack of comprehension of the situation and her insecurity - well throw it all together and it made for a pressurised start to the relationship.

I want her to know I DID put her first. I DID back off initially and I did want to do whatever I could to help her feel secure. I always wanted to put her first because she meant so much to me.

I even adjusted the way I dated because I wanted her to feel comfortable with it. I tried so hard and was always trying to put her first.

I think it would be very different if I had known then what I know now - about myself, about NRE, about S, about anxiety. I'm upset that I've hurt her and feeling sorry for myself that I've lost someone wonderful. But I have at least learnt.

Talking of which - I had a date with a girl yesterday and WOW!! She's beautiful, intelligent (she's a doctor), she's funny, she's geeky in very similar areas to me and we share similar views on life generally :) I can't wait to see her again now
 
Thanks for all your help.

I think perhaps I just needed someone external to put a bit of perspective on it all. Being in the middle of the NRE rush is wonderful, it's intoxicating, overwhelming, and very blissful. However there may be some truth in me having drugged myself up on it to the point that I'm losing the plot again.

I haven't been able to see my partners points of view. I've been dealing with so many happy emotions of my own that I'm almost at capacity and certainly unable to process the emotions of others. It seems confusing to me that they could possibly have fears about a situation when all I have is bubbly feelings but nonetheless I should back off until I understand their fears.

I doubt either of these 2 new partners would become primary fixtures in my life. One of the guys travels a lot for his job and the other guy I am just at that new dating stage, we've had 3 dates over the last 5 weeks but we had our first kiss and it all feels special :)

I think with the 'pace of change' comment my guy was referring to how my life seems to develop and change multiple times in such a short space of time. One second he's adjusted to one new person and got use to the idea and then there's a second. I was also slightly flirty with a girl a few weeks ago and I think he was worried that there was another on the way - but I didn't even realize I was flirting until after!

I'm working on helping them see that they both still have a place in my life. I want to show them that, but they need to trust me on it too. We all need to buy into it.

Opal, Loving myself doesn't come naturally to me. It's something I've been working on with my therapist for years. I don't ever hate myself though and no longer get the urge to self harm. Most importantly NRE just floods me with happiness, I almost fail to see how that's a bad thing. Unless I become an addict or end up hurting others around me - which I guess I was in danger of doing - but I came here and averted that!

LG, NRE is the best drug in the world, isn't it? I felt a lot of synergy with your experiences. Good luck with your new lady ;)

Oreadne, I agree that "slow down" is too vague. I need to understand what it is that's going through his head and worrying him so hopefully I can make him see he has nothing to worry about. I need him to understand that for me it's like this wonderdrug has hit me and it's fixed everything that was wrong, it feels amazing but it also has possibly made me a bit oblivious to the outside world. These are big fears and emotions we need to communicate on and I count myself very lucky indeed that he is as patient and calm as he is with this.
 
I have been on and off anti-depressants since 9/11 when I saw things that no one should have to see. That added to my experience in Vietnam, messed up my mind, but not enough to interfere with a successful and rewarding career. After I stopped attacking my wife in her sleep, thinking she was the Vietcong, my problems were mostly anxiety and insomnia. Depression led me deep into S&M play, a common refuge for depressed people.

I love to love too. I have always lived with a woman since I was 18 and got married at 21. I had my first girlfriend at 14, got engaged to her at 18 and broke up with her at 19. My second girlfriend, who lived with me was not a big love of mine but someone who truly was a sex addict. She would make me up each night after having sex with different guys each night because she needed more sex. She spent her weekends with her girlfriend and eventually announced to my assembled friends that she wanted to be gangbanged by all of us. I knew her problem. She was a former hot cheerleader who gained a little weight and needed constant validation of her attractiveness. I played the cuckold for her because she was not someone that I would introduce to my parents or marry. She was more of a room mate with benefits than a true girlfriend but she needed a lot of benefits. :) She wanted me to father her child and then get out of my life but I wanted no part of that.

Then I met my wife, my sweet virgin wife. We met on a train and I followed her home where I hid in the backseat of my car so that I could follow her to her bank where I just happened to run into her again. Back then it was called love. Now it is called stalking. We got engaged three weeks later and married in six months. We are now married for 43 years.

I did not realize it at the time but my only relationships have been with bisexual women. I did not seek them out or even know it at the time I met them but nonetheless we were drawn to each other like magnets. I was used to sex with more than one women since my very early days. At 11 I had two girlfriends at the same time and we would hang out and make out together. The principal of my school found out about my make out parties after school and told my parents, who couldn't care less. All my mother told me was that if I got a girl pregnant, I had to marry her. It was the 60's.

Next came the priest who threatened to excommunicate me for my perverted sexual ways. What was happening was that young girls and guys who were excluded from my special parties, turned us in. At age 12 I had a 16 year old girlfriend who taught me how to be a man. Now it seems all strange but for me it was normal. My point is that it was normal for me to be abnormal. What kid at age 12 has a party where we played musical chairs with a twist. All the guys would sit in the chairs as the girls would walk around and when the music stopped, they would sit down on the lap of the guy in the nearest chair and make out for 5 minutes and then continue their walk around the chairs again.

I have been told that I too have a sex addiction but I never felt I was controlled by sex. More by my need to have a woman to love in my life. I think that is why I always had multiple girlfriends just in case I lost one. Just saved myself a fortune in therapy. :) My life was shaped with an adulthood living with women who like women as much as I do. Luckily the woman I married discovered her bisexuality and just happened to have a best friend who was also bisexual and recently divorced. My wife asked her into our bed and we were together for 38 years until we moved. Long story posted elsewhere.

My wife solved three problems at once. She was able to satisfy her desire for sex with a woman as she later told me that she only fantasized about women, never men. She did so without having a separate relationship outside of our marriage. She also provided me with a dominant woman who was into sexually dominating me, which my wife knew I desired and she was not into. Lastly, she satisfied my need for more than one woman in my life. How great is my wife? No wonder why I love her so much and she knows that which is why she is never jealous or feeling insecure about her place in my life.

I went back on anti-depressants when we moved away from our girlfriend. My desire for S&M went away at the same time, as usual. We had a hard time adjusting to being a vanilla couple after so little practice at it but got into Teasing and Denial which fit our old age life and sexual needs at the moment. We found happiness, lost it and then found it again. I view myself as a winner because I have had a lot more good days, than bad and that is wining in my book, Good luck brother and bend life to fit you rather than vice versa. Most of my family does not talk to me and my friends are scattered all over the USA. I do as I want, not what others want. I also move to different cities a lot to start our life over again. Every time we move, we have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves and that has kept our marriage fresh. New places to see, new job and new friends. Never fails though that we always find the kinky couples wherever we live. Just as I am a bisexual magnet, I seem to attract kinky people too and also straight couples that believe in the old fashioned values of faithfulness and loyalty to their partners. Too many couples use poly or open relationships as an excuse to just have sex with other people with no intention of building a relationship with them. That is all well and good but we have seen that kind of behavior destroy the marriages of many of the couples we knew. We are all about relationships and being faithful to those in it. Call us old fashioned and out of touch with the modern world but how many kinky couples do you know who are married to the same person for 43 years?

Glad you have found your way through life. I know how depression feels and I think I am a bit bipolar but never want to mention it to my PDoc. I go from feeling why bother getting up to manic periods like now where I am up all night and posting and doing many things at once, feeling like I am on top of the world. My meds are kicking in now so I am mellowing out. Good luck and may your life be as happy as mine, despite the depression.
 
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