34 year old, queer woman here. Mostly attracted to women. Out of the closet, late in life. Married to a mostly asexual male.
I have spent most of my life in denial of my own attraction to women up until only about 5 years ago when I officially came out to my husband. He is mostly asexual and I think about sex constantly. So considering those two differences between us he suggested we open up our marriage.
I feel like I've been trying to make up for lost time ever since...
So here's my quick-ish poly dating history leading up to now to help explain my main issue :
Soon after we opened our relationship (5 years ago) I had my first (sober) kiss with a woman and it totally knocked my socks off. I also lost my lesbian v-card to this woman and even though it actually was awkward and unfulfilling sex I still wanted to dive in deep with her relationship-wise. But she was single and not poly so she wasn't interested in anything more than FWB.
Next I met a married, poly woman who seemed the total opposite. She wanted a relationship right away. She said "I love you" fairly quickly and I was thrilled. I imagined a future frolicking through the lesbian daisy fields with her. In my naive head it seemed reasonable like in movies when people fall in love passionately and in a whirlwind ... It turned out that this quick dive into relationship WAS too good to be true and was probably a result of a manic episode of hers as a result of bipolar. I don't doubt that her feelings were real. They just weren't lasting and what I really need/needed was stability. I kept thinking things would get better if I just gave her the space she needed but it was pretty miserable for us both until I finally just told her we were better off friends. The hope that things would get better between us was difficult to shake because I had had a taste of that exciting whirlwind in the beginning of our relationship. It's hard to have something so promising taken away so abruptly.
So after that I really felt that I just needed more experience and less emotional attachment. I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't just fall into a crush on just anyone who was available and interested in me. So I sort of went shamelessly wild for a bit. (some of you will laugh because it's really not wild at all). I hooked up with a m&f couple for a bit and then two other people separately. The latter two both seemed interested in relationships with me but I didn't feel the same way about them. Sweethearts but they both had various complications or habits that weren't attractive to me.
So there, I had proved it to myself that I wasn't just needy for anyone.
And now here we are in the present and latest connection which for the sake of anonymity I wont fill in too many details about her. Ugh... I really like her. We've only seen each other 4 times now and I'm trying to keep my cool. I think I've mostly been ok but also she has a lot of experience so she could also probably sniff out my desperation to get to know her. She has a super busy life and once in a while I start to get paranoid that maybe she's just using that excuse because she's no longer interested. But then after a long time of not texting she'll say something semi-encouraging... I don't know. I've passed it by my husband and he also isn't quite sure one way or the other. Either way, I am probably too invested even though I'm trying my best not to go there too quickly. I know! I don't really know her yet after 4 dates but she already is light years more mature and rational than the others I have dated. And what I have learned about her in conversations, her relationships seem super healthy, honest and loving. I could go into a lot of other details about her that are just really attractive but again, for anonymity's sake I wont. I have been stumbling in my uncool, awkwardness around her and have become really dumbly self-deprecating. -Even though normally I am confident and chill.
I am afraid that my awkwardness and self-deprecation were not cute to her and instead were to her red flags spelling neediness and high-maintenance.
So today, after a long silence from her I began to get sad (possibly paranoid) that things weren't going to go anywhere with her - that she was moving on. My husband noticed my mood and it sparked this whole pretty illuminating conversation.
I feel that my history of only recently coming out of the closet late in life presents its own complications in the poly world. (please if you have any personal experience or advice chime in!)
I have to face the fact that I am dealing with a lot of fear having to do with squandered youth and limited time left on earth. I have spent most of my life and especially the freedom of my youth in denial of my feelings about women. Now that I have embraced my queerness I also have the feeling of regret of having squandered all of those years. I can't help but think about how that whole time I could have been dating women. I could have been having crazy, passionate, single-person sex. I possibly could have even had my female first true love and all of the deep connection that could come with that.
So now here I am wanting desperately to experience those things I missed out on. I have this sense of desperation that feels both inevitable considering my lack of life experience and also hopeless because desperation is not a great look and is sure to turn the best people away eventually. But I also don't know how to shake it off. Pretend I don't want something? PS don't forget, I'm married to a mostly asexual man and I am also wanting SEX. Bleh. I don't want to put all of that on someone!
The best medicine I have come up with so far is spending a lot of time with myself, keeping my dating options open so I'm not just focusing on a single person, and continuing to be the grateful, joyful, person who recognizes how lucky she is to be married to my favorite human who allows me to be free. He really is incredibly beautiful to me.
So, things may not happen with this new interest and part of me gets really sad because I feel like my chances of finding someone who fits and experiencing something grand, deep and affirming won't be many. Is that a common feeling for the poly community?
Thank you for your thoughts!
I have spent most of my life in denial of my own attraction to women up until only about 5 years ago when I officially came out to my husband. He is mostly asexual and I think about sex constantly. So considering those two differences between us he suggested we open up our marriage.
I feel like I've been trying to make up for lost time ever since...
So here's my quick-ish poly dating history leading up to now to help explain my main issue :
Soon after we opened our relationship (5 years ago) I had my first (sober) kiss with a woman and it totally knocked my socks off. I also lost my lesbian v-card to this woman and even though it actually was awkward and unfulfilling sex I still wanted to dive in deep with her relationship-wise. But she was single and not poly so she wasn't interested in anything more than FWB.
Next I met a married, poly woman who seemed the total opposite. She wanted a relationship right away. She said "I love you" fairly quickly and I was thrilled. I imagined a future frolicking through the lesbian daisy fields with her. In my naive head it seemed reasonable like in movies when people fall in love passionately and in a whirlwind ... It turned out that this quick dive into relationship WAS too good to be true and was probably a result of a manic episode of hers as a result of bipolar. I don't doubt that her feelings were real. They just weren't lasting and what I really need/needed was stability. I kept thinking things would get better if I just gave her the space she needed but it was pretty miserable for us both until I finally just told her we were better off friends. The hope that things would get better between us was difficult to shake because I had had a taste of that exciting whirlwind in the beginning of our relationship. It's hard to have something so promising taken away so abruptly.
So after that I really felt that I just needed more experience and less emotional attachment. I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't just fall into a crush on just anyone who was available and interested in me. So I sort of went shamelessly wild for a bit. (some of you will laugh because it's really not wild at all). I hooked up with a m&f couple for a bit and then two other people separately. The latter two both seemed interested in relationships with me but I didn't feel the same way about them. Sweethearts but they both had various complications or habits that weren't attractive to me.
So there, I had proved it to myself that I wasn't just needy for anyone.
And now here we are in the present and latest connection which for the sake of anonymity I wont fill in too many details about her. Ugh... I really like her. We've only seen each other 4 times now and I'm trying to keep my cool. I think I've mostly been ok but also she has a lot of experience so she could also probably sniff out my desperation to get to know her. She has a super busy life and once in a while I start to get paranoid that maybe she's just using that excuse because she's no longer interested. But then after a long time of not texting she'll say something semi-encouraging... I don't know. I've passed it by my husband and he also isn't quite sure one way or the other. Either way, I am probably too invested even though I'm trying my best not to go there too quickly. I know! I don't really know her yet after 4 dates but she already is light years more mature and rational than the others I have dated. And what I have learned about her in conversations, her relationships seem super healthy, honest and loving. I could go into a lot of other details about her that are just really attractive but again, for anonymity's sake I wont. I have been stumbling in my uncool, awkwardness around her and have become really dumbly self-deprecating. -Even though normally I am confident and chill.
I am afraid that my awkwardness and self-deprecation were not cute to her and instead were to her red flags spelling neediness and high-maintenance.
So today, after a long silence from her I began to get sad (possibly paranoid) that things weren't going to go anywhere with her - that she was moving on. My husband noticed my mood and it sparked this whole pretty illuminating conversation.
I feel that my history of only recently coming out of the closet late in life presents its own complications in the poly world. (please if you have any personal experience or advice chime in!)
I have to face the fact that I am dealing with a lot of fear having to do with squandered youth and limited time left on earth. I have spent most of my life and especially the freedom of my youth in denial of my feelings about women. Now that I have embraced my queerness I also have the feeling of regret of having squandered all of those years. I can't help but think about how that whole time I could have been dating women. I could have been having crazy, passionate, single-person sex. I possibly could have even had my female first true love and all of the deep connection that could come with that.
So now here I am wanting desperately to experience those things I missed out on. I have this sense of desperation that feels both inevitable considering my lack of life experience and also hopeless because desperation is not a great look and is sure to turn the best people away eventually. But I also don't know how to shake it off. Pretend I don't want something? PS don't forget, I'm married to a mostly asexual man and I am also wanting SEX. Bleh. I don't want to put all of that on someone!
The best medicine I have come up with so far is spending a lot of time with myself, keeping my dating options open so I'm not just focusing on a single person, and continuing to be the grateful, joyful, person who recognizes how lucky she is to be married to my favorite human who allows me to be free. He really is incredibly beautiful to me.
So, things may not happen with this new interest and part of me gets really sad because I feel like my chances of finding someone who fits and experiencing something grand, deep and affirming won't be many. Is that a common feeling for the poly community?
Thank you for your thoughts!