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  #1  
Old 08-17-2018, 01:40 AM
pearls pearls is offline
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Default First Feelings

One day of the blue an old boyfriend reached out to me. Funny I had been thinking about Lo pretty hard for a few weeks prior. Mars in retrograde? We met for drinks and the chemistry we shared was undeniable. For our second date Lo took me away for a long and very romantic weekend in Tulum Mexico. We weren't even over the Gulf before I knew I was hooked. Who wouldn't be. Lo, a super freak by nature, is intellectually appetizing and visually appealing. Hotter still, I am white and Lo is a black man six years younger than myself.

For the majority of the five years Lo and I were not dating he has had a steady lover girl. In our past relationship I had been somewhat insecure and at times possessive. Knowing this about me, Lo offered to break it off with lover girl. I told him not to. I am in fact enormously turned on by the fact Lo has another woman to please him. I`m not sure if this makes me poly curious, commitment phobic or just a kinder gentler person willing to abandon their ego to foster the pleasures of another.

Before my little trip with Lo I had spent the last few years engaging in a few brief relationship fails I can best describe as..."yuck". I finally resigned my self to a life of Asexuality and was actually comfortable and happy in that state. Really, you could have sewn it up and tossed it over the back fence.

Being a super freak by nature Lo quickly glommed on to my new found poly curious bend. We have since phone sexed every deviant sexual encounter imaginable many of which include meaningful relationships with likeminded individuals.

Lo has shared his intentions toward me with lover girl. I'd say she's less than impressed with the idea and chooses to coast along a sea of denial.

Thanks for allowing me to share that in one single exhaustive breath. LOL. I would really enjoy any insight the group might be willing to offer.
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Old 08-17-2018, 04:40 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I hate to rain on the parade... but how ethical is what you and Lo doing if his current partner is unhappy and in denial? Why not have the three of you sit down and discuss it all and figure out the best way for all of you to proceed? A five year relationship with her deserves a little more care from him, doesn't it?

Personally, I wouldn't be happy knowing that my presence was causing someone pain. I would rather they sorted out their own baggage first.

I consider myself polyamorous. I am never turned on by my partner having other partners, though. I am just happy that he is happy.
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  #3  
Old 08-17-2018, 11:15 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello pearls,

Lo sounds like a keeper, my only advice would be to sit down with him and lover girl, find out if this is something she can accept, or maybe there's a compromise the three of you can live with. In the meantime, enjoy!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 08-19-2018, 12:09 AM
pearls pearls is offline
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Default Thanks for the feedback

Thank you for your timely and valuable feedback. You are correct communication is key. I think Lover Girl just needs some time to process. If she is given the right kind of support and encouragement she may choose to stay in the relationship.I hope so. She's and interesting character I'd like to get to know.
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Old 08-19-2018, 12:18 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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It sounds like you have the right attitude, you are willing to get to know Lover Girl, hopefully in time she will come around.
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Old 08-19-2018, 01:09 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
Lo has shared his intentions toward me with lover girl. I'd say she's less than impressed with the idea and chooses to coast along a sea of denial.
I think you all could talk. And if this is not the relationship for LoverGirl any more? She doesn't want to be in a "V" thing where the other side of the V is doing sex adventures? She could quit.

Even if she wants to "coast along in a sea of denial?" I think Lo could do the decent thing and end it with her and stop her coasting/denial thing.

Because it isn't kind to let her coast along if her participating in this is hurting her. It would be like Lo taking advantage if he turns a blind eye or deliberately keeps her on the string like that. You might not admire him for that behavior.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-19-2018 at 01:23 AM.
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Old 08-19-2018, 06:54 AM
pearls pearls is offline
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Default We come in peace

Thank for your feedback. Group consensus seems to indicate an underlying need for urgency. That is excellent advise for poly relationships. Just all sit down together and have a nice calm "poly vs. volly" discussion.Of coarse none of we three are polyamorous...yet. Remember we are from planet MONOG so that discussion could easily become an awkward if not forced confrontation.We come in peace.
I`m not entirely sure Lover Girl is unhappy or even alarmed.She and Lo have a long yet very casual relationship.for example she has not introduced him to her family. She states she is not looking for anything serious with Lo but values and appreciates the companionship he offers her. People deal with change in a variety of ways.One of those ways is a coping mechanism called denial.In small doses denial is healthy. It helps us to get through things, you just don`t want to live in it. All we can do is continue to brooch the subject and be honest about our feelings.I think Lover Girl will talk to us when she is ready.
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Old 08-19-2018, 09:43 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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So Lo has been seeing lover girl for 5 years, but as soon as you two rekindled your relationship he "offered" to break up with her for you?

Did he give her any kind of heads up that he intended to start seeing someone else before you two got all hot and heavy? Does she know he was willing to dump her for you?

If so, I can definitely see where her lack of enthusiasm spring from. Everyone concerned needs to make sure they're acting ethically.
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  #9  
Old 08-20-2018, 02:28 PM
pearls pearls is offline
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Angry Ethics and Updates

Yes,Lo made the offer to stop seeing Lover Girl about two weeks into our relationship.No, I doubt Lover Girl is aware of said offer.Disclosure of such information lays outside the realm of diplomacy.Call me unethical, but I feel matters of the heart should be handled with kindness and patience. I do not want to foster resentment and competiveness.Yes,Lo has been communicating his desire for open boarders before we took our trip and several times after.Yes, they will be speaking soon and specifically about our situation.

Last edited by pearls; 08-20-2018 at 03:31 PM. Reason: misspelling
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