New 2 Poly. Can use some advice.

New2Pol

New member
So I am 26 and have been married for 2 years, we have been together for 6 years. We agreeded that I could date but not have anything serious, which was fine. Except things got messy when my husband's BF told me he had feeling for me. We both knew that is wasn't smart to date so we didn't, we began to be friends, then close friends, then friend with benefits and now I love him. We are officially dating and my husband knows that my date turned into something more, but my husband doesn't know that it is his BF.
I am really happy with both of them and have always thought that polyamory was a beautiful and spectacular way to live and love. The problem is that now that I am officially dating him my husband and my date are both uneasy about it. So I could use some advice. If you have any please share.
The only thing I can think to do is wait for things to settle down, make sure to love both of them, and when everyone seems ready show my husband that my new boyfriend is his long time friend.
 
Only you, or perhaps your bf, can pick the timing to deliver this piece of news. Because you've already acknowledged that sooner or later there's going to have to be some more transparency. It's just about when.

Best cast scenario, hubs thinks it's great because you're not dating an unknown quantity and life continues merrily.

Worst cast scenario, well, pick one. You've got plenty to choose from.

If you want advice mitigating the possible fallout, I'm sure plenty of people here will have some. It won't all apply to you. And you don't need to buy into any criticism. From what I can tell from your post, this has been a fairly slowly evolving thing, and it's nearing it's next stage of evolution.

All the best.

Evie
 
Thanks for the message

Just wanted to say thank you for the response. It is really nice having a place where I can ask questions about being poly. I have done so much reading about it, but u guess there will always be more unknowns.
 
You've already lied. Now it's up to you whether to continue compounding the lie, or clear the air ASAFP.

The longer you hold onto a lie, the more you become comfortable with lying, & therefore the more likely you are to lie to insulate yourself from "uncomfortable" choices.

IMO, it's not "poly." What you are doing lacks honesty, integrity, & communication.
 
Greetings New2Pol,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I can't give much in the way of advice, as I don't know how your husband will respond to knowing you're dating his (BF = Best Friend?). Certainly you should tell him soon. And keep us posted here as your situation evolves, so that we can give updated advice. Let us know how your husband responds. And keep reading and posting in general. Glad to have you here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I am sorry you struggle.

The only thing I can think to do is wait for things to settle down, make sure to love both of them, and when everyone seems ready show my husband that my new boyfriend is his long time friend.

What is "up in the air" that needs to "settle down?" :confused: And how long are you talking about postponing this conversation? Get through the weekend is one thing. Wait months? Years? That's another.

I could be wrong in my impression but it seems like BF is uneasy and wants to tell husband and you don't. And it sounds like husband is uneasy that the original agreements about (casual dates/casual sex only, no serious feelings/long term relationships?) were broken/ended/changed without a conversation about that, maybe?

I think you guys could all need to talk so each one is clear about where things are TODAY. So each one can decide if they still want to participate here like this or not.

What do you need to become willing/able to have that talk with them sooner rather than later?

Galagirl
 
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You've already lied.

The weird part about relationships is that with held information can mean NOTHING to one party, and EVERYTHING to the other...

Clear the air ASAP...

You don't want would would happen if this is one of those "big things"... I've been through something that My wife did not think was a big deal, and for me it was the end of the world... it's very surprising how communication works and how much is NOT understood between two parties...

Talk more, never less. It may be more difficult in the moment, but hang in there and work it out... It's vastly worth it ;)
 
Hi New2Pol - and welcome to the Forum! We will look forward to more of your story as it evolves. I would agree with the others who have already replied - and suggest that you clear the air with your husband as soon as practical. It will become more difficult for you the longer you wait and your husband most likely will be even less receptive the longer you wait.

The general consensus is that polyamory only exists with the knowledge and consent of all involved - with honesty, integrity, and communication being essential to the practice of polyamory (as Ravenscroft noted above). If there is dishonesty and lack of informed consent, it really does not qualify as polyamory.

Best of luck on working it out with your husband and hopefully a successful poly journey! Al
 
An update

Hello everyone. I am here to continue my store. For those who thought I was in a "lie", my husband didn't and doesn't feel that way. My husband was actually kinda glad to find out that if was his best friend because it is someone he trusts and respects.
Things got a little bumpy for a while because they didn't want to talk about their relationships with me, but they eventually talked and things are good.
As with all relationships there are still issues to work on, but for now I feel so amazing that I get to love both of them.
 
That's wonderful news! Thank you for coming back and sharing :)
 
Yes, thanks for that update. It sounds like things are going well and that is wonderful to hear. If we can help with any of the remaining issues, just let us know.
 
Glad to hear conversations happen and everyone is on the same page (more or less) now.

Hope things continue to unfold well.

Galagirl
 
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