I'm in an open relationship and it hurts too much.

Marinaru

New member
Hi! My name is Marcel, I have 36 years and I met a girl, younger than me, she have 23 years. From the beginning she told me that we are just sex friends and nothing more. We see each other for 6 months now, 4 days per week at least. When we are together we act like a real couple, I mean is not just sex, we like to talk, to share things, to have fun together and much more. From what I notice, she really enjoy to spend time with me, but every time when she is not with me she go out with other guys. I knew that from the beginning but love hit me. And it hit me hard! I didn't felt like this never in my life, and I had a lot of women in my life, I have a lot of experience with women. But this girl completely blow my brain.. Everything is perfect with her, I feel her like my soulmate, and when I look in her eyes I feel pure joy.
She is not the slut type, I mean she doesn't dress "slutty", she don't like rude or bad boys, she is very respectful, she say thanks for everything, she doesn't look at all like a girl who wants only sex .. But she told me that she doesn't believe in love and she doesn't want serious relationship..
Anyway, like two months ago, I tried to speak with her about my feelings and that I want exclusivity and she got so scared that almost lose her, so I told her that I will accept like this only not to lose her. Everything was fine , we went on holiday together, even she told me that she wants that our "relationship" to last very long.
Now we had a new discussion and she told me that for the moment is no one in her life just me, but also she told me that she cannot guarantee for future. And the next day she already had a date with a new guy. I asked her and she told me that is not what I think, and he's just a friend, of course I didn't believe her.
Anyway, I have just a single question in my mind: "Why?" Why she does that? Why she date other guys if she feel very good with me? Even in sex , after we finish it she is very very happy , I see that in her behaviour. She seems in love with me... But still she date other guys. Why?
 
Because she wants to.

You thought you would be happy with the arrangement, but have now changed your mind. That doesn'the mean she is in any way obliged to change her behaviour or justify it to you.
 
I am sorry you struggle. If you are choosing it be in an Open relationship and practicing that model hurts you... you could stop. Why aren't you stopping? :confused:

It sounds like she's been clear and honest with you from the start. From the beginning she told you that it is a "not exclusive, friends with benefits" relationship that she is offering you. That is all she wants. Enjoyable companionship. Nothing serious. And she wants to see others.

You accept and are ok with that arrangement for 6 mos. Then you start to want something else. You tell her you want to be exclusive. She says that is not for her. Sounds like she preferred to end it then and you didn't want that. Sounds like rather than end it clean and with grace you chose to keep going just to avoid breaking up at that time.

You were unhappy 2 months ago and now you are still unhappy. How are your behavior choices helping you feel better? :confused: You seem to be dragging feeling yucky out. If two choices stink, pick the least stinky.

  • Breaking up isn't fun, but one can part well, feel sad, and in time feel better.
  • Staying in something you do not really want? That's yucky with no end in sight. For what?

Anyway, I have just a single question in my mind: "Why?" Why she does that? Why she date other guys if she feel very good with me?"

Because she is the boss of her behavior and choices. She is going for what she wants. She doesn't want one guy or exclusivity. So wants variety. So she dates several guys. She's being honest and up front from the sound of it.

If you are now certain that you want a 1:1 exclusive relationship? You choosing to continue dating a person who does NOT want the same thing makes no sense. You two are no longer compatible. You could thank her, and then move on. Focus on seeking what you currently want (an exclusive relationship) with a partner who wants the same thing.

Stop focussing on what you do not want (her dating other people) and making yourself upset when she chooses her behavior for herself. You are not the boss of her. She is the boss of her.

You are the boss of YOU... so could stop looking over there to see what she is doing in her behaviors and focus on what you are doing in your behavior. Right now you choose to be in an Open relationship you do not want. And you choose to continuing to date a person you already know does not fit any more. You want one thing and she wants another. How do your behavior choices help you feel joyful? :confused:

What do you need to help you move on? How can people help you? I know breaking up isn't fun, but neither does it have to be doom and gloom. It can be a graceful and respectful parting.

Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. That's what dating is for -- to help you find the compatible ones.

Galagirl
 
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Why she date other guys if she feel very good with me? Even in sex , after we finish it she is very very happy , I see that in her behaviour. She seems in love with me... But still she date other guys. Why?
Because she likes feeling happy and enjoying herself with more than one man. And it is possible to love more than one person. That's why.
 
Thank you for your answers, it help me a lot to talk.
The thing is that I entered in an open relationship because I don't want a serious one. Until now, with this girl... I mean I'm not looking for a serious relation, or for marriage and things like this, even if I brake up with her, I know that I will not search for something serious with other girl.. I just want to be with this girl. I don't know, maybe is just my male ego (all my life I was the alpha guy, now I'm the beta one) to be sure that girl love me, my mind is messed up badly now. I'm perfectly aware that I don't have any future with her because of age etc, but something is keeping me around her. I'm very happy when I'm with her, I feel like in paradise, and very sad when I'm not, like in hell.
And the crazy thing is she entered in my life, we were colleagues at work, and she kept asking me to go for a drink, I even didn't like her in the beginning, didn't want to kiss her at least..but when it happened, I changed completely. I never felt like this in my life..
About compatibility... Except the fact that she needs to see other guys, we are perfectly compatible, we like the same things, we have same discussion subjects, we like to hang out, we like to eat even the same food, sex also is very compatible. Everything is perfect with this girl.. And she shows me every tin that she care about me. Even when she's with other guy she text me and tell me that she's thinking of me. That's so hard for me to stop it. And I know if I will stop it I will not look for a serious relationship either. More of that, if she loves me in her way, I don't want to make her suffer and brake up with her. Yes I know, I am weak, I am coward, I'm not ashamed to admit it! But I don't see any exit from this , just to disappear from her life without saying nothing. Problem is that I will not forgive myself never if I do that without giving her an explanation. I tried to break up with her, but pure and simple I couldn't speak . It's crazy ... I know I can stay like this, and oscillate between sadness and happiness, but until when? An open relationship eventually it will finish when she will find true love, isn't it? Or she can be like this forever? I don't think so, when you love u don't need anyone else in your life..
 
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She can be like this forever. Perhaps you didn't believe her when she told you at the start about what she wanted, but don't expect her to change just because you feel she should.
 
Ok, let's presume that I can stay with her like this forever, I will not try to change her. But you guys and girls, can u tell me please how you deal open relationships? I mean when you are sleeping with your partner, do you put yourself questions like" with the other one she have sex with same passion? "Or "to the other one she says same beautiful words? "For me this is a hard thing too . Maybe she behave with everyone the same as she behave with me, in this case it's only an illusion for me that we are compatible, isn't it?
 
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As long as you get what you need from her, does it matter what she does with others? She may be compatible with many people, but that doesn't mean she is not compatible with you as well.

Edited to add: Stop making comparisons between yourself and her other lovers. It seems to hurt you, and it doesn't help anyone.
 
I've struggled with all of those questions. And the answer is always the same: my lovers wouldn't be with me if they didn't want to be with me. There is something about me that they can only get from me.

Your questions seems to come from a place of insecurity. Comparing yourself to others is very harmful. Can you believe that there's something about you that she can't get from anywhere else, or she wouldn't be with you? Because I think that's the truth. Or she would have left already.

I would suggest picking up a copy of the book "More Than Two" and giving it a serious read, maybe with her or maybe just trying to do the end-chapter questions with her.

I do agree with Gala Girl though. It sounds like you're very hurt and not compatible with this woman. If you're compatible in every way but one (you're seeking monogamy, and she's polyamorous), and that one way is not something you can compromise on, then you aren't compatible. You're no more compatible than if she wanted kids but you didn't, or if you want marriage but she doesn't, or if you have completely different ideas of how to handle money.

Hoping you feel better soon.
 
Except the fact that she needs to see other guys, we are perfectly compatible...

Which to me means that you are not 100% compatible. That's a fundamental place to be mismatched. That you want to date one at a time and she does not. This isn't a minor difference like you like one kind of shampoo and she likes another.

But I don't see any exit from this , just to disappear from her life without saying nothing. Problem is that I will not forgive myself never if I do that without giving her an explanation.

You don't have to disappear with no explanation.

You could say "I've enjoyed out time together. But I need to stop dating because I've realize Open relationships are not for me. I don't like being in them and it stresses me out. I'd like to be friends if possible. But just not dating partners any more."

Then go look for something "not serious" with someone with a similar dating style to yours. "Not serious, with one person at a time" rather than "Not serious, with several people at once."

There is nothing wrong with that. But you putting yourself in a situation you do not like or want to be in any more just because you don't know HOW to break up and get out of it?

I think it's better to learn how.

I am glad you feel better talking this out here. I hope you feel better after figuring out what new behaviors you want to do.

Galagirl
 
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And of course love does not equal getting everything from one person. Do you not also have friends and family you love who each are in your heart? Love is not a finite thing that needs to be fenced in so that it cannot be stolen. It is a thought and a feeling inside a person over which only that person has any sort of control and as you are experiencing, that control can be difficult to use.

She says she does not believe in "True Love" as you do and sex for her is an enjoyable activity she likes to do with more than one person. You have enjoyed sex with people you were not in love with, this is the same for her.

Some of this could be cleared up by asking HER. She can tell you what is in her mind! Why not ask and trust her to be honest? If you cannot talk to her and trust her, that is another reason that this is not a good relationship for you.

Leetah
 
An open relationship eventually it will finish when she will find true love, isn't it? Or she can be like this forever? I don't think so, when you love u don't need anyone else in your life..
Ah well, I do have two true loves in my life now, both long term - AND the relationship is still open for new connections. Probably even a new true love, who knows? I am like this "forever", or at least up until now I've only ever had open relationships and could not imagine myself in a closed one, yet alone a monogamous one. She can very well be the same, and since she is quite young and has been honest with you from the very beginning - she might well be polyamorous by nature and stay that way forever.

Just for clarification - you say were not looking for a serious relationship but you'd now like to have a serious and monogamous relationship with this girl. And, you won't be looking for anything serious if you were to break up with her. So, this possible new 'not serious' relationship - would that need to be with one person at a time? Or would you be okay with an open relationship as long as it is not serious and you are not having these intense emotions? I got the impression that her dating others did not bother you before you started falling in love with her.
 
I don't mind for example, she to have casual one night stand relations I understand the need to have sex with different persons,, but what I'm afraid is about having someone else like me, maybe I don't fully understand what is an open relationship, for me an open relationship means that I am with someone that I care , I love, but I can do sex with other people, but like casual, not dating, or hanging around. For example I'm perfectly ok if she go in a club, pick a guy, have sex with him and that's it. But if she starts dating, if she get involved, I have a strong feeling of fear that she will fall in love, and lose her. Actually, I was happy being like this, even I knew that she have sex with others, until she told me that is someone else in her life. And she told me, if she will fall in love for someone she will want a serious relationship with that person. But also she told me that she don't think that she could fall in love.
More of that, she also told me that before me was with a guy with at some point she wanted a serious relationship, but in the end the guy was a prick. So I don't think she is polygamous by nature. Plus she had a serious relationship for one year too.
 
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Hmm, she does seem to give you some confusing messages. Again, you could talk to her and find out how it all relates to her relationship with you.

She could be someone who can have serious relationships with more than one person at a time. If you look through the Personal Stories section here you will find a number of people who are seriously committed to more than one person.

If she is someone who is dating around but intends to find someone to be monogamous with you sound like you need to know if that someone is likely to be you. If she cannot tell you that yes, that is possible in a time span you are willing to wait, then you may need to break up for your own health. Better to break up and know that the pain will have an end rather than stay and be in pain without knowing when the end will come.

Leetah
 
This seems to be a common issue. Many are alright with the sex, but not okay with deeper feelings. Which, to be fair, is an unreasonable boundary, because, as you said yourself, you didn't intend for your own feelings to go very deeply. And yet, here you are.

As much as I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, it seems you'd be better off with a clean break, heal, and move on. Staying together just because you're afraid of losing someone rarely (if ever) works out positively for both involved.
 
Yeah I already talked with her and asked her why with the former guy she wanted a serious relationship and with me not. And she told me that with this former guy she shared the house for 3 months, and probably because of that she was confused and wanted a serious one. That she told me.It's confusing for me because she treat our relationship like a serious one, until she goes out with other people. And also she told me that it's not about me, it's about her who decided not to get involved anymore in serious relationships. So it's tricky, because she give me signs that she do this only because she was hurt before and she's afraid to love.. Or I don't know, maybe she thinks that I'm too old for something serious..and when we talk, she try to avoid this type of discussion.
 
So from what I see you all advice me to break up. the big problem is the hope. The hope that she will love me, the hope that she just needs time to trust me, or the hope that eventually she will change if I continue to stay near her. That's is hard to break up too.. I mean until now I broke up with a lot of girls just because I knew that are not good for me, but with this girl is hard to do that because she don't open in front of me too much about her feelings.
And the most important thing : she gets very gealous if I just flirt with other girls. That means what??
 
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Re (from Marinaru):
"She gets very jealous if I just flirt with other girls. That means what?"

It sounds like she has a double standard (one standard for you, another for her).

Re (from Marinaru):
"I know I can stay like this, and oscillate between sadness and happiness, but until when?"

Indeed. Until a month goes by? a year? ten years? fifty? Only you can answer that question.

Re:
"I tried to break up with her, but pure and simple I couldn't speak."

If there's something you can't say out loud, can you write it to her in a letter?
 
Ok, let's presume that I can stay with her like this forever, I will not try to change her. But you guys and girls, can u tell me please how you deal open relationships? I mean when you are sleeping with your partner, do you put yourself questions like" with the other one she have sex with same passion? "Or "to the other one she says same beautiful words? "For me this is a hard thing too . Maybe she behave with everyone the same as she behave with me, in this case it's only an illusion for me that we are compatible, isn't it?

It sounds to me like you are monogamous by nature and ill - suited to open relationships. No, I don't ask myself any of those questions when I am involved with people, because I am poly. I find monogamy smothers me.

I think that if you continue to have these feelings, she isn't the girl for you. It doesn't sound like she's going to change, and she was honest about who and what she was from the start. If you can't handle that, you should move along from this girl.
 
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