I'm in an open relationship and it hurts too much.

I'm very happy when I'm with her, I feel like in paradise, and very sad when I'm not, like in hell..... when you love u don't need anyone else in your life.

Poly or mono minded, anyone who makes both of these statements has a good bit of maturing to do before he/she develops a stable and satisfying long term relationship. That's not a criticism, but instead a suggestion that the struggle is not with this beautiful woman, but instead is in what you bring to the table. If you're upset by this experience, you have every power to change what you expect relationships to do for you and what you must learn to do for yourself.
 
So from what I see you all advice me to break up. the big problem is the hope. The hope that she will love me, the hope that she just needs time to trust me, or the hope that eventually she will change if I continue to stay near her.

I'm not sure that is hope. To me it sounds like bargaining stage in the stages of grief. Like you are starting to see the writing the wall, but just aren't ready to end it. It's ok to be sad that things aren't working out. Maybe you need more time sitting with sadness before you move on to action.

You are in charge of your choices. Right now you are wavering back and forth and that seems to ADD to your upset. I think you could make a decision and go with it so it reduces some of the upset from the "wavering" part of it.

If sticking with this is what you want to do? Then do it with a time frame in mind. The price of admission is putting up with being a certain level of unhappy because you don't really want an Open relationship and you don't like the idea of her having another BF. You are ok with her having one night stands, but not another BF. But you choose to put up with a bit longer in order while you wait out your time frame.

If you do not like putting up with that stuff, then end it NOW. You can tell her that if she eventually wants you to be her one and only BF, she can look you up.

That's is hard to break up too.. I mean until now I broke up with a lot of girls just because I knew that are not good for me, but with this girl is hard to do that because she don't open in front of me too much about her feelings.

Is that what you would like from a GF? One that opens up to you about her feelings? Then this one doesn't do that, so she does not make the cut, and that's a reason to let her go. You get limited emotional intimacy here.

You cannot be on the fence forever, with your life paused. This is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one Life. If you are going to wait, give yourself a time limit. If you are past your time limit already? End it. Don't drag it out.

And the most important thing : she gets very gealous if I just flirt with other girls. That means what??

That means she gets jealous and has to process her jealousy on her own time.

If what she wants is Open for her, and Closed for you, that's a double standard. And another reason to break up if you do not like double standards in your relationships.

I think you need to make up your mind how you want to deal with this.

  • You choose to wait some more, but give it an actual time limit so you aren't hanging around forever waiting on her to decide she wants to Close and be with you. You might be willing to give it a few more weeks or months, but probably not a few DECADES, right? You could tell yourself "I don't love this, but I am going to give it another X weeks to be sure. If X weeks passes and nothing changes, then I choose to end it so I can heal."
  • You end it now because you don't want to wait around any more or it isn't looking likely

Galagirl
 
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Thank you so much for your answers and support! It really helps me! I decided to wait one month until I will brake up, and in this time I will try to speak with her, to know her better, to explain to her what I really want. If she will not want to give me exclusivity as a boyfriend, I will break up no matter how hard it will be. At least I will know that I tried everything. After all maybe when she realise that she will lose me, she will realise her feelings for me too if they really exists. Btw, one more question, do you think is possible to love without realising it?
I will keep you updated, and if I have other questions and concerns please don't mind if I post here:)
Thank you!
 
I'm glad you are taking care of yourself in this painful situation. Having a deadline is great. If it helps you, you could tell a friend of the deadline so you are less likely to let it pass.

You can be "in love" with someone, the feeling called New Relationship Energy, and because of circumstances, be in denial that there is a romantic aspect to it. That has happened to me.

NRE can happen with new friends with whom you make a great connection but have no romantic feelings for. I have had that happen as well.

But NRE is not capital L Love. It just means you have endorphins and other fun chemicals coursing through your veins impairing your perceptions.

It seems you are in the grip of powerful NRE. It is not always a healthy thing. As you say you don't even know this fun person all that well because she does not open up much. So the two of you cannot know if you can Love each other. Perhaps it is partially her very elusiveness that fuels your romantic feelings so strongly. Once you know her better you may find her less alluring.

Oh! And jealousy? Not a sign of Love. Just a sign of insecurity and desire for control.

Leetah
 
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Marinaru, I think you keep overlooking some rather important things.

You keep wondering how she can seem serious and committed to a relationship with you AND want to have more than just sex with someone else. You seem to think that if a poly person meets someone they want a serious relationship with, that means they either give up the casual sex with others or make sure that sex with others never turns serious. I don't think you really understand what poly is. It is not only about having casual flings!

To me, it seems you have the idea that it is not possible, even for a polyamorist, to have more than one "serious" partner, or to be in love with more than one person. You seem not to understand that for people who feel comfortable with polyamory, it's possible and usually *preferred* to have "serious" commitments with more than one partner. Yes, many people who are poly also have casual sex but the word polyAMORy means "many loves."

So, *even if* she loves you and *even if* she wants to commit to having a "serious" marriage-type of partnership with you, you should realize that she might still want to date other people, have sex with other people, and develop a committed partnership with other people *as well as with you* and at the same time! It's important that you understand this if you decide to continue this relationship. If you want and need emotional exclusivity with her, it may not be a possibility even if she is committed to you.
 
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Re (from Marinaru):
"Do you think is possible to love without realising it?"

Of course (although perhaps not for everyone).

Re:
"I will keep you updated, and if I have other questions and concerns please don't mind if I post here :)"

No problem! I look forward to your future posts.
 
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