Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Today - I can't even.

The Good: As I mentioned previously, DarkKnight got his W2 and he's getting good refunds. The appraisal on the house is set, and while I was out with my daughter, I got word that the $5000 downpayment program 100% approved us and so our paperwork is back to underwriting with these details. We are now just waiting for our official "clear to close." Keep your fingers crossed that we hear back soon!

The Bad: Trump did suspend the rate break, indefinitely. So our housing payments are back to being $20 more a month. It's crap, but that's the way it goes, I guess.

The Bullshit: I was getting into the shower this morning when my daughter called to me through the door. I had to get dressed and attend to her immediately. She had received a friend request, a message and a PHONE NUMBER from her birthmom. This lady should not have my daughter's name. My daughter was in shock and unhappy and a little angry. It's her birthday. This is an intrusion. She wanted my help in figuring out what to do, and making her Facebook more locked down. We circled the wagons, and I sent off a message to her siblings' adoptive parents, to let them know that my daughter had been contacted. If birthmom found my daughter's Facebook, then it stands to reason that she could have checked her friends list and found her siblings there.

The only thing that was good about this is that we got to peek at birthmom's Facebook, and it was clear that she is STILL friends with the guys that were involved in my daughter's horrific abuse. What's terrible is that birthmom's profile pic is of a 5 to 6 year old little girl. The thought that my daughter has a new sibling is disturbing, but there is no indication of who her father is. I really really hope it isn't the last guy she was dating when my daughter was removed from her home, 13 years ago. Hopefully it isn't even her child. Doubtful though, as the only public photos she has are of this child. Ugh.

My daughter blocked her birthmom and did not respond to her message. She was more angry than anything, I think. But she was shocked. I told her she can think on it this weekend, if she wants to say anything, but she was really calm and said that there is nothing to say.
 
The Bad: Trump did suspend the rate break, indefinitely. So our housing payments are back to being $20 more a month. It's crap, but that's the way it goes, I guess.

How much do you like your mortgage broker ??? I hate to say he's a lying asshole but trumps been in office for about 8 seconds and could give shit the rates lenders charge saps for mortgages. I suggest you look up the executive orders he signed. Ever see the movie stripes ...." Because we're in Italy the guy in the top bunk has to make the guy in bottom bunk bed if we're in Germany it would be opposite ". This is kind of like that. Or paying extra for factory undercoating at the car dealer.

Also little tidbit. Rates are controlled by the fed not the president.
PMI : ever ask yourself why in 08 when the housing bubble burst and the assholes wrote all the bad loans why didn't the PMI cover those losses ? ANSWER : because it's not actual insurance it's just another income stream for the bank/ lender. There's no seperate pool of money.
 
It is all over the news. Trump absolutely did put a hold on the mortgage insurance premium rate reduction. This is different than the rate a bank charges for a loan - we've had that locked just as soon as we could. What I am referring to is the MIP rate decrease that was announced January 9. FHA loan borrowers currently pay .85 percent if they are closing with less than 20% down. The change would make that .60 starting on January 27. Because interest rates were rising, this was in response to that, to help lower and middle class borrowers not get squeezed out.

Trump said he would stop it, and he absolutely did. It's on hold indefinitely, and the consensus is it won't ever be happening. I could link to several sources, but a simple google search will give you the same details.

This has nothing to do with my loan officer. This is affecting people all across the US. For us, it won't affect our ability to pay the loan, but it will cost us $9000 over the life of the loan. For some buyers, they won't be able to absorb that.
 
UGH I cant believe the birth mom did that. I stand in solidarity of trying to keep THAT sort out of your and your daughters life. You did good mamabear. Keep fighting that good fight.

Keep an eye on the continuing FB thing/and or phone calls/emails. my families extended family contacted me in these ways to try to get me back in touch with my bio dad. So it may come around again in the form of other members or *shudder* even the 5-6 year old on behalf of mommy.

Keep your boundaries clear and take Zero fucks!
 
Things have been busy since, she seems to have recovered ok. I am going to take time tomorrow to talk to her again in depth about the experience and see if she has had any new thoughts about how she'd like to proceed. I remember when we found her birthfather, she had a whole mess of emotions.
 
Ugh! My sleep cycle is an absolute mess! Conlan, one of the kittens in DarkKnight's room, is really anti-sleep. Once again, he nudged me and licked me and just kept me up and then woke me up at ass o'clock. Now I can't get back to sleep and I feel just miserable. At 4:30 am I came over to PunkRock's room, but no matter how many times I put my phone down and try to get to dreamland, it just isn't happening.

So, here I am updating my journal. :) A couple of new things on the upcoming house purchase. OMG Friday!!!! We are in the process of scheduling the final walkthrough. It will be sometime Thursday. We have a message in with our realtor and we are waiting to here back from the sellers about storing our extension ladder there overnight Thursday. One of the first things we need to do is to put a new cap on the chimney, but silly me didn't think about how we would actually accomplish this. I don't have a vehicle in which to transport a big ladder! Luckily, one of my friends is willing to help out, but they are busy Friday, so Thursday is what we've got to work with. Hopefully the sellers are fine with us putting it in the house - we promised to not actually go on the roof for liability reasons, until after we sign all the paperwork Friday morning.

The family that wanted our basement kitchen cabinets didn't end up moving themselves, so now they don't want them. I am thinking about listing the cabinets on Craigslist but I am not sure how much to ask for them.

The contractor doing our egress window was diagnosed with pneumonia yesterday. I am not sure how this will effect our renovation timetime. I am thinking of rescheduling that to a week or so after we move in - if we have to delay it by just a couple of weeks, it throws off everything.
 
I got cut off writing the last entry. :)

I believe now the plan is that we are going to donate the basement kitchen to Habitat for Humanity. It makes me feel good to do that. Honestly, I wish we had space to store the cabinets someplace and use them to expand my own kitchen, but this is the next best thing, I think.

We JUST got word that we are 100% approved and clear to close! Friday needs to get here! :)

I need to shower and we have a cat in a trap in the upstairs hallway bathroom, so a trip to the Humane Society is in my immediate future. They open at 10 am. Then I need to get over to Sam's Club and purchase some cat food, and then grab lunch. Someone in Martinsburg is selling me a mod-looking cat tree for $30, and I am supposed to meet them at noon. So I have some running around this morning! I listed some more things on Yard Sale sites and I'm getting some messages, so that is always good.
 
Last edited:
Oh! I am so overwhelmed with stuff to do before the weekend hits!

My Biology class today had their first dissections. It went better than expected. This is my favorite class of kids - they send me off on interesting tangents and talks. They're all really smart too. It's great. I hope most of them sign up for my Chemistry class in the Fall. I am bumping the price up a bit on that one, I think.

DarkKnight went down to City Hall today to sign up for water/sewer/trash/electric. All that is done now. They didn't require a deposit, so that was good news. I called around and got info on renting a dumpster. I am going to go to Home Depot if I have time tomorrow to talk to people at the ProDesk, because they can send workers to my house to quote me for the electrical, plumbing and window installing I need done. The electrician is needed to put in a new outlet in the kitchen for the new gas stove, the plumber is needed to put in the gas line for the new gas stove - and to remove the gas insert in the fireplace, and the window installer is needed to price out replacing 5 small basement windows. I'd also like to get a separate price quote for doing a wall of windows in my kitchen, though THAT won't be happening soon.

I seem to be hemorrhaging money even though we haven't even started yet. I just priced out all the paint I need, and it's around $450 for just the upstairs part of the house. Geez, you know what, I don't want this to turn into an itemized list - that's what I have an Excel spreadsheet for - but it's crazypants. I think I have around $13,000 to play with and I need like $18,000.

We've decided to delay the egress window in the basement bedroom until April. With the contractor being ill, trying to reschedule it in the middle of our remodeling just wasn't working. So I said fuck it, we aren't moving in until the end of March. We just will not have any fires burning down the house until May or so, I suppose. Sigh.

I did talk with our friend who is helping with the outlet rewiring and all that is set for not this Sunday, but the following one. So that is on the schedule. DarkKnight's cousin is coming over THIS Sunday, to look over the drywall and framing work, and to give his opinion on the fireplace wall changes.

Seriously, if I don't have anxiety issues over all of this, I will be very surprised. That said, holy crap y'all, I am so fucking excited! Tonight at dinner I was talking with PunkRock and I told him I am just as equally excited about his new tattoo. Did I mention that? He has an appointment next week with an artist, to get started on getting his existing back tat covered and extended. It's going to be a huge purple octopus, and it will reach up over his left shoulder to wrap around a pinup of me, as a chubby mermaid. I asked him if he was still sure about getting a tattoo of me, and he said of course. I guess if we breakup, he could always cover her face with Kiss paint, or another tentacle. lol I am nervous about it turning out terrible, but I am excited to think it might turn out amazeballs. My mermaid will definitely have big tits with pink nipples and she will be wearing some of my favorite bracelets.
 
Just when you thought I couldn't possibly have more going on...several entries.

This one is about my teeth.

Ahhhhhh!

Yesterday was crazypants. My dentist visit was supposed to be routine, but I still ended up a sobbing mess. Initially it was scheduled as a scan to replace my bottom Vivera retainer. When I was in the chair though, the assistant asked me why she was doing a scan, if in a month I was having the crown removed or replaced? That had been my question as well, so she went off to find the orthodontist. She came back and said that yeah, they didn't need one. We talk a little bit, she started second guessing herself, left again and then came back to say she was going to do an impression instead, to make an in-house retainer, in case my current bottom one broke again. Well, ok.

So I did the whole terrible-tasting impression and that was manageable. She left again and then came back and said she had decided she was going to give me the bottom retainer so if my current one breaks, I won't need to come in for an appointment just to pick it up. Ok. Then she proceeded to make me another appointment for next week to pick it up.

Sigh. Then we had a long conversation about the next step with my implant. The guy who put it in is still out of the country, and will be returning in March. I can do one of two things: They can replace the crown - the top part of the implant - or they can remove the entire thing, post and all, and I can start wearing a new set of Invisalign braces for 6 months to a year to close the gap and we can pretend this never happened.

I seriously started crying. The thought of having Invisalign again is just so exhausting. It will hurt a lot, but I am somewhat confident that I will end up with a straight smile. But that is SO MUCH TIME you guys. To have gone through all this nonsense and trauma, for nothing? Ugh. But then, I have ZERO confidence that these people can give me a crown that isn't a complete fuck up. The assistant commiserated with me and said she has no clue how originally anyone ever let me leave with what I have. She said that because of all of this, she is really sure that every step of the way, the team will make sure that things are done correctly and perfectly.

I just don't know. My head is still really foggy and it's just one big stressful ball of shit. I have to decide next week what course of action to take. Letting them try again with the implant seems the easiest thing, I guess. I WILL be sedated though. OR they will give me an anti-anxiety pill. I've never done either, but I am so terrified of either option right now, just trying to type here about it has me tearing up.

The only good in this is that they haven't charged me anything since last August.
 
Just when you thought I couldn't possibly have more going on...second entry. This one involves my daughter.

OMG you guys! She is so much more poised than I ever am. After my dental appointment yesterday, I called and invited her out to lunch at Red Robin. It was her birthday this month and she still has her free birthday burger. She is 19 now. Anyway, guess who I got to see at the restaurant? C3! Remember that douchebag? I met him at trivia and he told me he hadn't seen anyone for a year, but then when I talked to one of his teammates, he was banging her, and telling her they had to keep it a secret because he didn't want to ruin her reputation. Then when she confronted him, he started bad mouthing me to everyone. I found out he had slept with at least one other woman at our sci-fi book club, and told this trivia lady and since he denied it, she decided I was lying. It was drama. Yeah, that C3. I never even went on a date with the dude, but he was admin in several groups I was a part of on Meetup, and he locked me from all of them. That was such a fun time. Anyway, yay, he went in ahead of us, and I got out my phone and pretended I didn't see him. I asked to be seated on the other side of the restaurant from him though. (He had already been directed to his table when I asked that.)

My daughter was curious, so i told her the story, and she was outraged that he had lied about his dating history, his sexual status and that he had convinced this other lady to accept that having sex was something to be ashamed of and kept a secret. "His reputation is worse!" Yeah, I know sweetie, some guys are just scumbags.

Ok, moving on - so my daughter has been saving money to buy a car and we talked a lot about that. We actually ended up going to a nearby dealership after eating - the one where my son bought his car last year. They had a car that was perfect for her. We took it for a test drive, they made it affordable for her, and so this morning we are going there at 9 am to pick it up and drive it over to our regular mechanic to see if it's mechanically sound. If it is, we are going to buy it. She doesn't get paid until Friday, but I am going to cover any costs she can't, until then. She should be ok though, I think. So in a minute I have to get up and shower and get out the door to make that happen. She is SO excited and happy.
I hope things work out!

We also talked about her birthmom yesterday. Apparently she received a second message that morning. While we were talking, I received a message! Crazypants. My daughter asked me to handle it. I sent a message, birthmom wrote back and we had a dialogue. She lied and avoided some questions. She tried to CALL ME through Messenger, but I canceled that and told her I wanted everything written so I could share with my daughter later. When my daughter came home from work at 11 pm, I did just that. I pointed out where she had been untruthful, and my daughter was really quiet. I told her I wanted her to think about things and then we could talk more tomorrow.

I so wish this wasn't happening right now.
 
Last edited:
I want to write more about other things going on so I can process, but my alarm has been silenced twice now. I have to get in the shower!
 
Sorry your daughter is having to deal with old wounds, but it sounds like she's being quite the adult.

I wanted to comment regarding your dental stuff and say that as someone who was supposed to be on their last invisalign tray and is now having to do a revision.... and on top of that I also have the back molar on one side that was pulled and I was considering getting an implant after my invisalign was over, I'd be on the side of keeping on with the implant. I mean, my logic to this point has been.... I've dropped thousands of dollars on this crap to date, so my dentists are going to keep doing what they need to do to make my teeth friggin' perfect! I didn't spend that money for "well, this is a tolerable alternative." And I don't think you should settle either if it's not going to give you what you really wanted. Of course, it's a personal decision, so only you know what's right for you.

I am curious as to why you don't talk with a doc about just getting a regular Rx for anxiety meds? I mean, you've gotten extremely worked up now for every dental appointment, you've said that you expect to struggle with anxiety related to the move and new house, etc. So if you know that you're going to be struggling with a lot of anxiety in the future.... why not just get some meds to help with that? Not sure if you've tried them before and just don't like them? I'm really just curious. I know they don't work for everyone, but if there are types out there that you haven't tried and might provide you with some relief, seems like it could be a beneficial option for you?

Either way, I hope everything goes well with the house, the teeth, and your daughter.

Also, OMG, if things work out with this car you both are going to be SOOOO happy that you can finally stop having to schedule who gets the car when!
 
I think I am going to get anxiety meds to use when I go to the dentist. I am just still really angry about it, I guess. I never had any issues prior to this fiasco, and now it's a nightmare. I resent that this has happened. As far as needing them for regular stuff, eh, I have never had a panic attack or a serious anxiety breakdown. Maybe they could help take the edge off, but for the most part, just talking about or typing about my stress levels bring them down significantly. When I get it out, I am able to start formulating a plan and breaking down how to deal with things. That's something I do amazingly well, actually. I plan shit, and it gets done. :)

OMG you have no idea how much I am looking forward to not have to coordinate rides for my daughter anymore!
 
I have been sitting at the mechanic's for over an hour now, waiting to see what's up with my daughter's maybe-car. This has been a little helpful because I have been able to structure the rest of my day.

We have a friend coming over at 12:30 to pick up our extension ladder and transport it to the new house. 1 pm is our final walkthrough. 3:30 we have the insurance reps coming to visit us about adjusting life insurance.

I just got our final closing disclosure - instead of paying out $900 at settlement, we are getting over $1000 BACK. Pretty fucking sweet! I had to message our loan officer to make sure. Lol Since we needed more cash to throw at the reno, this was very welcome news!

Shit I just remembered the game store has been holding empty boxes for us. I gotta tell someone to go pick those up.
 
Final walkthrough went just fine. The car passed inspection and I paid the deposit to hold it until my daughter could go get insurance on it. I have to take her to the dealership at 9 am sharp tomorrow, drop her off and then go to the settlement on the house.

We just had a meeting with our insurance guy, all 3 of us now have term policies to cover the mortgage if one of us should pass. So DarkKnight got $130,000 - the mortgage amount, PunkRock got only $100,000 since he has more value in his whole life policy already, and I got a $250,000 policy. The idea is if either of my guys die, the house will be paid off. If I die, the house will be paid off and then the guys can split the remainder. That way, if one of them wants to leave, they will have cash to buy out the other's ownership in the place and not force a sale. Overall these policies will almost exactly double the cost of our life insurance premiums each month. I just consider it a required cost of living plural marriage. :) PunkRock jacks the price up though, since he is still chewing nicotine gum. Actually, we all 3 will have a medical screening before these go into effect, but at least we know we are getting things set up.

The next step will be for us to go visit a lawyer, to get a will written out for DarkKnight, and then PunKRock and I will piggyback on that. We also need to have the house stuff I have written up looked over and written in flowery legal language, in case we decided to live separately or break up. We are going to schedule that as soon as I get a second to breathe! We had decided after talking to the lawyer over the phone, to wait until the house was actually ours. So that will be a phone call I make next week to schedule sometime in February.

The three of us are going out together tonight for dinner, but then when we get home I am going to be focused on this budget I've made. I am excited about tomorrow and stressed too. It's good stress though. Whoo hoo! We will own a house together tomorrow!
 
excellent news
 
Ok, I am going to give my youngest daughter a nickname here - Michigan. To clarify, she is 19. I adopted her when she was 10, but she was removed from her birth home at age 6. She was in a group home for several years and has been diagnosed with attachment disorder, PTSD, ADD and has a brain issue that impairs her long term and short term memory.

I posted a week ago, about my daughter's birth mother finding her on Facebook and messaging her. Michigan ignored two sets of messages and then I was contacted. With her permission, I wrote back. We've had a short back and forth, but the gist is that birthmom wants to meet Michigan and be back in her life. She hasn't had any other kids - other than Mich and the other 4 that were removed over a decade ago. Yesterday she confirmed that she was still with the guy that was the source of most of my daughter's abuse, and she completely denies that anything other than "inadequate babysitters" happened. She said it may have been emotional abuse when she signed the relinquishment papers.

I was SO TERRIBLY ANGRY last night, but also so unbelievably heartbroken for my little girl. I talked to Mich about it, and this morning I spent an hour writing a fucking book to biomom, wanting to get my point across. I will copy/paste below. I need to share it or I will burst.

++++++++++++++++++

This will be long. I will let you know when I am done. Please don't respond in the middle of my message. I will write END, at the end.

This is coming from me, not Michigan:

I really had to take time to think about what I wanted to say. The amount of cognitive dissonance that you are exhibiting is just overwhelming and unbelievable to me.

Do you really think that all of your children have been in therapy, for over a DECADE, because there was an inadequate babysitter?!

I have seen the files, read the documents.

I have discussed the case with social workers, therapists and judges.

I have held my child as she sobbed at night, terrified that [abuser] might find her and hurt her more.

I have watched her father walk with her around the house before bedtime, showing her that all of the windows were locked, and that nothing and no one could get in to harm her.

I have listened to my child as she recounted her confusion as to why you did not protect her.

I have had her break my heart into a million pieces when she said she felt so very helpless that SHE was not able to protect her siblings.

The only reason no one was charged, was because you signed away your rights. This is 100% fact. Your case was considered one of the MOST HORRIFIC in your county. One of the reasons my husband and I were chosen as Michigan's parents was because of the distance we lived from you.

There is zero doubt that my daughter experienced neglect, as well as sexual and physical abuse. Children are not diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder for having inadequate supervision. NONE of her emotional upheaval is attributable to you signing a piece of paper. That was the best thing you ever did for her.

That said,

I have watched my daughter grow stronger every day in her sense of self.

I have seen her fight against being labeled a victim and instead fold her story into the past and use it as a stepping stone to reach for the stars.

I have witnessed the extraordinary growth of a broken little girl and the rebirth of her soul as a young woman equipped with beauty, poise, grace, and empathy for others.

I have been proud beyond all expectation, to be my daughter's mother - to be the one to launch her into adulthood with the strength of a family united behind her, with belief in her capabilities and the surety that her future will be full of positive possibilities.

You missed out on so much - she has ridden horses, learned to fence, played soccer, hit a softball out of the park, fired guns, created art, given a speech, gone rock climbing, zip lining, tubing and white water rafting, been to Qatar and Nepal, Harry Potter World and Disney World, held snakes and lizards and all manner of reptiles, trained birds, cuddled countless kittens and been the proud, responsible owner of her own cat for 7 years.

She has sang karaoke in our living room, stayed up all night with friends, laughed so hard she snorted, colored streaks of her hair blue, sewed her own dress from old curtains, cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner - turkey AND ham - on her own for a half dozen people, and volunteered, year after year, for those in less fortunate circumstances.

She has excelled at math and science, written essays and read books, been accepted into an engineering camp in another state (and achieved an award there on her very first day!), campaigned door to door for Bernie Sanders, built her own furniture for her first apartment - lamps AND tables - and has worked a job, saved her money, spent it wisely, and has now bought her own car with no assistance from others.

Michigan has proven herself whole. I never doubted it, though she did for many years.

I love her, fully and completely. My daughter is absolutely amazing, incredibly fierce and the joy I feel every single day, just being in her aura, is unparalleled.

I am sad that you will not witness these events, experience these feelings, revel in the delight of a life unfolding. I am sad that you cling to a narrative that is false. I am sad that by standing by that story, you discount Michigan's struggle and the source of her inner strength and perseverance.

********

Michigan read over your responses and this next part comes from her directly:

"[Birthmom] is a liar. She is not allowed to lie to me. She can lie to herself, but I don't let people into my life that can't be truthful. I knew she was not truthful and that's why I didn't answer her messages. I told you, you could talk to her. Now you know this is why I didn't want to talk with her. I won't talk to her, ever. Liars can't be in my life."

Michigan knows your contact information. If she does wish to get in touch, she can do it. Right now, she does not want to speak with you. It does not sound like she will ever want to speak to you. Do not send her any messages, or attempt to reach out. Letters, phone calls and messages will be ignored.

My own contact with you has come to an end. I must follow my daughter's lead in this, and affirm her choices.

END
 
I own a house. :) :) :) :)
 
Back
Top