It's a Texlahoma Story

On to the part that did help me :)

One thing the book mentioned was that if you find yourself having a truly disproportionate reaction to something - a 10 where you think a rational reaction would be a 3, say - you might be triggering something in your past rather than reacting to the current situation.

Yeah, that happens to me.

I've mentioned before that the ONE THING that freaks me out about Andy dating others is the idea of him wanting another partner to move in. Well, here's a story...

My mom died when I was in middle school, and it was just me and my dad for a while. (Well, me and my dad and my batshit crazy extended family ;)) He dated, I liked most of the women ok, they stayed over sometimes (real meals!) and he stayed with them sometimes (house to myself! drunken parties!) Then, when I was 18, he met my stepmom. They dated for all of a month before I left for college - and she moved in the day after I left. Not that anyone told me. I found out when I came home for Thanksgiving, and there was a stranger in my house, one who had an engagement ring on her hand and had thrown out all of my stuff and replaced it with her own.

Things managed to actually go downhill from there. At Christmas break, my friends weren't allowed to come and go the way they had throughout high school. I had to ask to use cars I'd been driving since I was 16. I had a curfew for the first time in my life. That spring, a friend from my hometown died, and when I called my dad, my step mom told me his funeral was "not a good time for me to come home for a visit" . By summer, my step mom and I hated each other enough that my dad rented me and my BFF a beach house to keep us out of her way.

I survived, obviously. I focused on my friends, stayed with my crazy relatives, made it through school. But I never really *got over it*. I was used to having my dad mostly to myself, feeling like I could always depend on him, and suddenly that was gone. He was still there... But my needs were now ... Not necessarily his first priority. He was juggling, shuffling, trying to keep us both happy, which basically meant appeasing one of us and then the other. And there was no escape. I was a naive 18 year old, I'd never had a job, relied on my dad for college tuition, a roof over my head, food. So I just had to suck it up. Accept that i was no longer the number one, accept that things I'd taken for granted for years had been cut off, accept that everything now required negotiating with my step mom.

That's where my mind goes when I think of Andy getting serious with someone. That's the panic, the tightness in my chest. What helps us reminding myself that I'm an adult now. I can say no to living with someone else. I can walk away. It might mean losing Andy, but I gotta be honest, if he suggested another partner move in, I wouldn't be far from leaving anyway.

I also think those shitty experiences have colored my views on dealing with metas in general. The endless her needs vs my needs got so old. I lived for the day I could be on my own and not have to negotiate and compromise over Every. Fucking. Thing. And now that I am, the thought of forfeiting that independence is cringe inducing.
 
One thing the book mentioned was that if you find yourself having a truly disproportionate reaction to something - a 10 where you think a rational reaction would be a 3, say - you might be triggering something in your past rather than reacting to the current situation.

LOL sounds like the larger part of the last week or so of my life. Heavy duty psychoanalysis of the self for $500, Alex?

But congrats and high fives on digging up old code and trying to realize that those triggers might not apply to today's reality, defusing those automatic feelbombs we all carry around...not always easy, but probably good for us. I think.
 
But congrats and high fives on digging up old code and trying to realize that those triggers might not apply to today's reality, defusing those automatic feelbombs we all carry around...not always easy, but probably good for us. I think.

Knowledge is power, right? ;)

I have a MUCH easier time digging through the bad code and worms and gremlins when it's simply an exercise in self understanding - with no expectations that I will do things differently based on what I discover. It's helpful to know that memories of trying to cohabit with my step monster (not a typo lol) get triggered when I imagine living with a meta. But... I still don't want to live with a meta. I may be able to see that a lot of my anxiety is misplaced, but it's still anxiety, it's still there. And that's ok. I'm just kind of giving myself permission to feel however I feel, even if it's not rational, even if it's based on childhood crap.

It is nice, though, to be able to say, yeah, I have super extra strength bad feels about ever cohabiting with a metamour because x,y,z... Instead of just freaking out and not knowing why.



I had today off and spent my morning sexting with Draper and my afternoon cleaning out the garage. Life :rolleyes: I'm really enjoying this fledgling whatever-it-is with Draper, it feels simple and easy and fun. He asked the other day if I was seeing anyone else - well, there's that husband lol. I told him I'd broken up with somebody over the summer and hadn't really clicked with anyone since. He's mentioned a couple of times that he's not into casual or juggling multiple relationships ... Cool, neither am I.

But I'm very wary of doing another closed thing like I did with Dag. It just makes so much more pressure, somehow... Like, "I gave up having options for you, you better be worth it!" Something lower key maybe. "Feel free to date if you feel like it and if you meet somebody let me know". Except, my reaction to "I met somebody" might well be to end things rather than deal with the change, so it feels a little disingenuous to encourage my partners to date. Hmmmm.
 
Well, you get to decide for you and they get to decide for them. The pressure is uncomfortable? Get rid of the pressure. Tell him that you're not making any absolute commitments not to talk to other people who could one day wind up being who the heck knows what...but at this time, you are not being active in nurturing other connections. And if that changes, you will let him know in a prompt way and understand if he decides he doesn't want to accept those terms.

If he wants to offer you a commitment, say ok, thank you, please just let me know if you change your mind. That is where HE is, ok cool, but that does not dictate where YOU are.

Something like today, I'm standing here, I reserve the right next week, to walk over there and stand for a while. But I promise honesty in this.

........

I wrote my last long ramble about the concept of change...changing oneself, and the fact that for me, the freedom to do that (or not) for our own reasons is pretty important. I worry that I might have focused too much on a specific example that was absolutely NOT the actual point, but I hope I communicated alright. So here's that thing, you're figuring out these triggers and stuff. You get to decide for yourself, based on your own picture of who and where you are, versus who and where you want to be, which can evolve too, if you want to work on change or you don't. Or maybe aren't ready but maybe might try later. I was feeling triggery about porn and strippers, not any real or potential metamours. Metas don't really bug me, unless they don't like me and want to cause issues between me and a loved one. But I feel threatened by porn and strippers. That is me stuff. I decided I didn't like that, and I want to change it. The process is probably going to be uncomfortable, but I'm in a good place and time to confront it...previously I just avoided thinking about it...I have help. No better time than now! But all of that was MY CHOICE.

You get to decide if you want to change, or manage your stuff in other ways. And I don't think that there is a right or wrong answer, so long as you are negotiating in good faith with others. You're not promising anyone things that you know you probably can't deliver for instance.
 
Well, you get to decide for you and they get to decide for them. The pressure is uncomfortable? Get rid of the pressure. Tell him that you're not making any absolute commitments not to talk to other people who could one day wind up being who the heck knows what...but at this time, you are not being active in nurturing other connections. And if that changes, you will let him know in a prompt way and understand if he decides he doesn't want to accept those terms.

If he wants to offer you a commitment, say ok, thank you, please just let me know if you change your mind. That is where HE is, ok cool, but that does not dictate where YOU are.

Something like today, I'm standing here, I reserve the right next week, to walk over there and stand for a while. But I promise honesty in this.

The pressure feeling is ... Ah, it's so weird. I'm so weird.

I don't feel any hesitation or uncertainty about agreeing not to seek out other partners for myself. I'm really a one-sex-partner-at-a-time type at heart. Every time I've found myself craving new and different, it's been a situation where something in the current relationship wasn't working. Sexual incompatibility with Andy. Meta drama with Tyler. Lack of time with Dag. I'm highly unlikely to want "openness" unless we're already at a point where things are a mess and we should be talking about stuff anyway.

But the idea of a guy committing to *me* - Now that's pressure central. I guess I have this idea that all straight dudes would prefer to be banging a different woman every night, and they only agree to stop doing that in return for... something. Guaranteed regular sex, someone to come home to, whatever. But it's always some big huge sacrifice for a guy to give up his freedom. So when he does, I put SO MUCH PRESSURE on myself to be deserving of that. Be available whenever he wants me, because he gave up the option of having someone else that night, for me. Be perfect and sexy all the time, because he gave up the opportunity to pursue other perfect sexy women, for me.

There were a million times with Dag that I felt that way, and pretzeled myself to be The Perfect Girlfriend, because I saw our closed relationship as something he had done FOR ME, and I felt like I owed him for it. Ugh.

Draper and I haven't even had sex yet, we're nowhere near talking about any kind of a commitment. But I am thinking about this stuff, because I want to stop doing Dumb Stuff in relationships. Dumb Stuff like wanting a no-pressure fwb but then agreeing to things that make me stress.
 
Life is quiet. In a good way :)

Andy and I spent Friday and Saturday nights battling over the temperature in the cabin... I'd turn the heater up, he'd turn it down as soon as I was asleep. Both of us sleep deprived and pissy by Sunday. Then I got out of the shower to find him blasting Angel of the Morning and using a dog toy as a microphone to serenade the dogs... Love that man.

I never thought I could do a long distance relationship but this thing with Draper is perfect. The fact that he spends more than half his time 3 hours away prevents me from doing that awful clear-my-schedule-in-case-he's-free thing I did before. This week he's in town for 3 nights. One I already have plans with Andy. I'll see Draper for sure one other, the third, I'll keep open in case. But see? That's one night that I'm holding back from making plans to wait around for a guy. Instead of five nights a week. Progress! Lol.

My only ugh right now is... If I have sex with Draper, I'll have to deal with condoms for the first time in over 2 years. Blech. I hate condoms. For so many reasons. The usual ones, mostly. It feels different. Different being a euphemism for not as good. Closer to a dildo than a naked penis. And obviously you don't get the sensation of your partner finishing inside you, aka the best feeling in the entire fucking universe. Plus the whole "wait we gotta put on a condom" kinda messes with the way I like to have sex... Moving between kissing and oral and intercourse and stroking and cuddling in all directions, doing whatever strikes us. Unless you want to go through a dozen condoms every time you get naked, or leave them on for mid-fuck hand job breaks, it quickly turns into foreplay first then screw til the guy comes. That gets so boring.

Plus, I'll admit, I do still associate condoms with super casual sex. I've never relied on them for birth control. Even as a teenager whose dad would have freaked out if he knew I was having sex, I still managed to procure bc pills. (Convinced my shrink to prescribe them and tell my dad it was for PMDD.) So in every relationship I had, up to and including Andy, the condoms got tossed as soon as we had the exclusivity and sex health talk. Hell, that's what I did with Dag, too. The guys I dated right after opening my marriage... Every condom seemed like a little reminder that we were not REALLY together. That he had a more important relationship with someone else, and she got the yummy bareback sex, while I was just a walking disease risk from which she needed protection.

Obviously that last part is something I need to get over/accept. But if anybody knows of any condoms that don't feel like absolute shit, recommendations welcome, maybe I could at least start to form some positive associations ;)
 
(Ignorant sex-related question ahead...)

You can feel your partner come inside you? Serious question... a couple of my partners in the past asked if I liked feeling them come inside me, and I didn't actually feel anything... other than the mess, to me condom vs. no condom makes no *physical* difference at all. Emotional, yes, but not physical.
 
(Ignorant sex-related question ahead...)

You can feel your partner come inside you? Serious question... a couple of my partners in the past asked if I liked feeling them come inside me, and I didn't actually feel anything... other than the mess, to me condom vs. no condom makes no *physical* difference at all. Emotional, yes, but not physical.

Omg yes. Not *always*... I think it depends on how deep inside (shallower easier to feel) and maybe angle??? And also, um, volume. But damn. That is honestly the number one thing I miss not having piv with my husband.

That and the feel of naked skin inside me. The heat, the friction, I dunno what it is, but condoms ruin it. I can come in five minutes (and at five minute intervals for the next hour or so) from no-condom piv. Put a condom on, and I'm lucky if I can come once after half an hour. Vibrators and dildos are pretty close to the feel of a penis, shape wise, and can do a good job mimicking thrusts and such, if the person operating them knows what they're doing. But that heat... Yeah. Both toys and condoms lack the fire. The lubed condoms are the worst. The ultra thin non latex ones are the best I've found, I think if I could find those with no lube they might be almost ok.

But as for missing the moment I feel that rush of my partner exploding inside me, though ... I think I'm just fucked there, pun intended:cool:
 
I am always mystified when people say they hate condoms. I can understand it more when a guy says it, but won't tolerate them trying to get out of using them in this day and age. I don't at all get it when a woman complains - I just cannot relate to any reason why it would be less fun or enjoyable. They don't bother me in the least - and I started having sex in the 70s when nobody used them, and was very used to sticky sex for a good number of years before condoms became absolutely necessary (I always had IUDs for birth control).

I can sometimes feel a guy's dick pulsate or pump when he cums, if he cums hard, but not feeling the actual load being released has no bearing on how well I enjoy it. Maybe because I get so wet, I can't tell. I get off on the deep thrusting and not the moment my partner cums. I am in heaven when I'm with someone who has a hard time cumming and takes forever. I had two boyfriends who could not cum inside a woman even with condoms, so the slam fucking was mostly for me and then I'd get them off in other ways. It was different at first but I grew to like it that way. Anyway...

Also, I always use condoms with long-term lovers as well as anyone else, so I don't have that kind of association with them as being for non-committal casual play only.
 
I can't feel the liquid of the guy's semen explode in me either!

As for condoms, don't use Trojans. There are tons of great alternative condoms online these days, you can just order them. There's at least one place where you can get a couple of each and experiment.

Me, i just grab a handful from my health clinic's jar when I'm there. They have cool ones with Divine on the package and stuff lol

Punk couldn't use condoms... he'd wilt. So we started going bareback pretty early on once we did the testing. However he was SO awesome at oral and kink and fingering and breast play and kissing and and and... I didn't even mind the period where we had to wait. And I love to give head as much as I like to fuck.

Being in a full time r'ship with a woman, actual PIV isn't quite as important to me as it would be to a straight woman. I do love it though!

Steve does do the "foreplay" first, then we end up fucking. For him, the kink is the main event. He's so into his kink that it's not an "extra" for him, to warm me up. The actual fucking is more for my pleasure, lol, which he loves to give.
 
So this has been very, very, very eye opening for me.

One of the things that has always puzzled me a little about non monogamy (whether it's poly or swinging or whatever) is that... It frequently involves condoms, and I have always wondered why anyone who could get awesome bare sex at home would bother with meh condom sex. Like, I do it because my husband is sooooo not into piv, and sometimes I want that so bad I'll settle for the condomed variety.

I mean of course there are lots of things besides piv that people can do, and kink, and bi people, and I get there are also reasons besides sexual gratification to be nonmonogamous. But there has always been this question in the back of my head, like, if a person is used to going condom free at home, isn't sex with their non fluid bonded partners just going to be so crappy in comparison?

It's just interesting to learn that condom/no condom isn't as big of a sensation difference to others as it is to me.

But even disregarding the physical ...So, you make out, maybe touch each other, maybe go down on each other, then you want to do piv so on goes the condom. You fuck for a while. You take a break, you kiss, one of you goes down on the other, or touches them, then you fuck again ... With the partners I considered great sex, we'd do various combos of that for an hour, two hours, four hours. We'd have maybe five or six rounds of piv fucking broken up by other sexy play, whether it was blow jobs or spanking or just trailing fingers everwhere. That's heaven to me. But it's a pain in the ass if you're constantly putting on and taking off the damn condom.

Oh well. They are a necessary evil. Unless I find another sexless marriage dude like Dag. Why did I break up with him again??? ;) I will look online like you said Mags, hopefully whoever I end up sleeping with will be willing to experiment some.

As for feeling it ... Try having the guy pull out some when he is close, so that instead of coming right up against your cervix, he's coming on your g-spot*. Either with him behind you or kneeling while you're on your back with your feet propped up on his shoulders, the shallow angle is hard in missionary. It's my favorite anyway, because I love the way the head of a guy's cock feels rubbing there... Um yeah. That's when I feel actual ejaculation the most.

*I read some stuff a few years ago that the G spot is a myth. Apparently it doesn't exist. Except, it does? I mean, I'm not sure what else to call that part of my vagina that is a completely different texture than the rest, and is one inch up on the front, right where Cosmo said it would be back in 1996 when my first boyfriend and I tried the old "make a come here movement with your finger" trick.
 
My G spot is so sensitive that once I am aroused, if a partner presses on it from the outside, just above my pubic bone, I can even feel it and receive pleasure from that! It works if the heel of his or her hand, or forearm is on that area while fingering my clit.

Of course, I cum really easily from any stimulation. I regularly cum 30 times in a 90 minute session. I didn't always. It started when I was 42. :)

As for condoms, the only ones that felt yucky to me were the rubber ones my first sex partner used way back in 1972. They almost squeaked, the texture was so bad. Haven't had a problem, on my end, since then.

Like Cindie though, I was on the Pill (after that first bf) and didn't use condoms back then. When my ex h and I got married, I got a diaphragm and used that for 20 years. Just for bc of course, not STD protection, since we were mono. Finally I went through menopause and my ex and I had the best sex we'd ever had! I did go back on the Pill for a few years in my 40s, since I got sick of the diaphragm, since our sex life picked up when our kids got older and I got more orgasmic. Not a great idea for me though, because I was unaware I had a blood clotting disorder

But I've experienced a ton of different condoms since he and I split. I do enjoy going without condoms though, if a partner and I get tested, and he is mono with me, or I can really trust him to use condoms with any other partners. For the reasons you stated; going back and forth between different activities.
 
I won't click on the link because that site crashes the browser on my phone. The notion that the g-spot is a myth has been around for decades. There are still people who believe it and promote the idea, just like people still think women can be "frigid."

And still controversy around whether female ejaculate is pee! Even though a woman can cum into a glass and you can see it's clear. It smells different, it tastes different, and I am sure it tests different in a lab. There may be a tiny bit of pee in it, since the cum passes through the urethra, but I'm sure the same holds true for male ejaculate.
 
As I sat in my gyno's office last Friday, I looked at the models and diagrams of the "female reproductive system" and noticed that they didn't even include the clitoris.

No one is arguing about the existence of that, so at least that's something.

But it's like I'm thinking, they've got medical diagrams of boy-junk that include names for all sorts of spots and places. But when it comes to women, well, let's just focus on the function, shall we? Pretend that ladies are all, "Close your eyes and think of England" in bed. Even while the divorce rate is through the roof...and I can tell you from experience that good sex (from the woman's perspective) is a very significant factor in bonding. But by all means let's just pretend it doesn't matter, as though women still don't have the option of walking right out the front door. It's ridiculous!

I went to a class in Denver a while back, with Zen. There is this guy Mike, who believes himself so good at fingering that he issues challenges, that he can get any lady to climax. He teaches a class, "Opening Pandora's Box." I'm not even kidding. And part of it is an anatomy lesson.

So it's my understanding that there are 3 "spots" on the inside, that are pleasurable. They often are only active when blood engorgement of the tissue has occurred (already well stimulated, in other words.) G spot, we are generally familiar with (it's actually part of the extended inner structure of the clitoris, which goes down from the "head" into the body and bifurcates into the "crura" that are like legs extending down around and past the v-jay on both sides.) Also inside of there though, are the A spot and P spot. Those stand simply for "anterior" and "posterior" and are sensitive areas in front of and behind the cervix. More of a sensitivity on the surface, for me, doesn't require deep pressure like my G-spot does, because with that it's actually a push to reach and stimulate a structure that is not on the surface but behind some flesh there.

Mike taught us different methods to reach and stimulate all three spots, and Zen has learned them well. HE ACTUALLY TOOK NOTES, in the class, with his adorable old-guy reading glasses perched on his nose. God I fucking love him. Mike is demonstrating on the demo bottom girl on a massage table up there, every other male eye is fixed on her girl parts, and Zen is peering at the PowerPoint and taking notes.

Oh, once the internal clitoral tissue is engorged, you can also press in on certain spots that are probably the trickiest of all to find, somewhere in the space between your v-jay & your bottom, often in the crease of the buttock itself but towards the center-ish...you can press in and massage that and find the crura and stimulate those, too.

I think our parts are complicated in the most delightful of ways...

Now, I used to think that male bits were relatively straightforward. But get a guy who has more difficulty finishing, and things get all sorts of experimental for everyone involved. I've been getting an education from Zen on a whole lot of new spots and delights that guys can enjoy beyond what I thought I knew, too.

As for condoms... I read somewhere that someone said lambskin condoms actually feel really good for the guy, like having a foreskin if he doesn't already? But I would not know, and I also have the impression (right or wrong, not sure) that they are very expensive. I confess that for someone as experienced as I am (partner count wise) I have been a risky lover. I have often not used protection, especially when I was younger. I was getting tested frequently (every 3 months) for STIs and I was using BC pills. But mostly I think I beat the odds because most of my partners were either virgins or very inexperienced back then. Since then, I've taken some risks but not as many. And I'm now up to date on my testing, and solid with one bonded partner. The only time I've preferred condoms is when it was a matter of easy hygiene for butt stuff.

Oh and I also say that it's super cool GFT that you can feel the guy finish in that way. I also never have, but do feel them pulsing, and enjoy that. Still, nothing is the same as skin. Fingers (in my opinion) feel closer to bare, than condom sex does.
 
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@Spork...

I think lambskin doesn't protect against stis as well ... Viruses are much smaller than sperm, so tiny they can pass through. At least that was the story when I took sex ed a billion years ago.

Amen to the fingers. That's what I usually ask for if I can't get off because condom. Condoms just do not feel like skin. Also the lube on them does not feel like the lube my body makes. It's too lube-y... Slides on by the good spots without doing anything.

And I am going to Google those a and p spots! Because I have had about a million conversations with friends who talk about how uncomfortable it is when a guy hits their cervix, and I'm like, uh, no, love that. :eek: I guess it is not really the cervix but something(s) nearby? Hmmmm. More research is needed ;)
 
The G-spot definitely exists! And so does female ejaculation, though the emphasis some people put on "squirting" annoys the hell out of me... That was one of the issues I had with the workbook I used, she devoted an entire section of one chapter to "squirting is amazing and all women can squirt and all women should squirt and squirting is amazing"... And a lot of guys and women I've met put huge emphasis on it, as in the women bragging about being able to and the men acting like women who squirt are better at fucking than women who don't.

I don't squirt... I don't want to. I have a major "squick" thing about bodily fluids in general, and I prefer to minimize the mess. For me, fluid-bonding is about the bonding, not the fluids. I've had a couple of guys actually refuse to fuck me when I told them I wasn't going to squirt. Their loss. I might not squirt, but I usually come a dozen or more times...

I hate *lubed* condoms because I get wet enough on my own, and the added lubrication makes things so slippery I don't feel anything at all. And I'm allergic to spermicide, so I have to make sure any condom-using partner I have doesn't use spermicidal ones. But non-lubed condoms are fine with me; they don't feel any different to me, and they're less messy.
 
@Spork...

I think lambskin doesn't protect against stis as well ... Viruses are much smaller than sperm, so tiny they can pass through. At least that was the story when I took sex ed a billion years ago.

Amen to the fingers. That's what I usually ask for if I can't get off because condom. Condoms just do not feel like skin. Also the lube on them does not feel like the lube my body makes. It's too lube-y... Slides on by the good spots without doing anything.

And I am going to Google those a and p spots! Because I have had about a million conversations with friends who talk about how uncomfortable it is when a guy hits their cervix, and I'm like, uh, no, love that. :eek: I guess it is not really the cervix but something(s) nearby? Hmmmm. More research is needed ;)

Makes sense about the lambskins. I knew there was some reason more people didn't use them, thought it was because they're expensive or something. I dunno. I'm no expert on condoms, that is for sure!

I have had some cervical discomfort during sex before, but mostly I think I get some tenderness in the general area during ovulation and if I had a larger than average partner (my ex) and was not very aroused (my ex) and especially in certain positions... But it has not been a problem since then. Thankfully. Bigger is not always better.

But even so, it could simply be that the poking of the area was too much pressure and that's why it hurts some women. It's my understanding that these areas don't need to be slammed into. Mike's demonstration was just lightly going back and forth or little circles with a fingertip. He said he also liked to use his middle finger for a & p spot stuff, while keeping his index finger bent and using it to do the high-pressure g-spot stimulation.

I would add that a man who knows his stuff can do those things and still get the clitoris with his thumb, if he's positioned properly.

Oh and Magdlyn also mentioned the pressing in above the public bone, on the lower belly, Mike recommended that if the g-spot was proving elusive.

I'm not quite up to 30 times in a 90 minute session, but 10-20 in an evening? Yes, that has certainly happened. And before Zen, I wouldn't have thought that was possible. I can't even do that to MYSELF...and I used to feel lucky if I had 2 or 3, with my ex one became the norm, and it was usually a barely-felt, fluttery sort of "barely there" sensation.

EDIT: LOL at the topic shift, sorry, "I'm going to hijack your blog to talk about the amazing orgasms I've been having." What? I'll...stop now...
 
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