Hello, lovelies. Been lurking here awhile, this is my first post.
I'm in a happy, stable relationship with my partner of 6 years, Jean. We haven't always been so happy, though. I used to struggle with codependence, and for years we fought a lot and I'm sorry to say I wasn't always honest with him or myself about what I wanted and what wasn't okay for me. I thought the problem was polyamory, that maybe I was actually monogamous, but it turns out it was codependence!
When I started going to Codependents Anonymous meetings, I got the courage to tell him what wasn't working for me in our relationship, and I even left for a little while. When we were broken up, our friendship and trust in each other deepened and we slowly became lovers again. Since then, our partnership has been founded on nothing but real intimacy and generosity toward one another. It's really beautiful!
I've also realized I LOVE polyamory, and I'm even good at it. I've had a great time getting to know a few of his lovers that have visited recently, and he gives me great dating advice. I really love sharing someone I love with other people I care about.
The problem is that while Jean and I were split up, he began a serious relationship with another partner who combines all my hardest qualities when I was at my most codependent + then some--she's insecure, isn't honest about what she really wants and feels, feels jealous of everyone he's involved with, and fights with him constantly. I feel, and Jean has confirmed, that what she wants is a primary partnership with him (we're all doing non-hierarchical here), and even though she's excessively nice to me, she has no real interest in getting to know me and has twisted things I've said to her when she fights with Jean.
As a recovering codependent, my first impulse is to try to fix their relationship so it won't stress me out as much as it does. I hate seeing him distraught and full of self-doubt after she berates him for spending time with another lover. I hate that he's made the choice to go through this toxic rollercoaster of dishonesty and insecure attachment again. I'm in recovery, but he isn't! And I'm also afraid he thinks things will just sort themselves out if he waits long enough, like it did with me (because I actively worked on my mental health and relationship skills, which he isn't doing).
I know I can't change my partner, and I've stopped trying, but now my codependent brain fixates on this new partner when I wish I wouldn't. I'm happiest when I don't interact with her much, or think about their connection much, which depresses me. That's not how I like polyamory to look. But it seems to be the best way to curb my codependent impulses. She and I will have one slightly snarky interaction (If I say, "Oh, did Jean tell you it's been rainy here for days?" she'll say, "Yes. I talk to Jean every day. He tells me everything about his days. Thank you for letting me know about the rain, but yes, I already knew as I am in very frequent contact with him.") and I'll spend the next few hours writing her letters about how she needs to work on her insecurity and how I'm not trying to compete with her, honestly, and then deleting them because it's would be 100% wrong to ever send them.
Clearly, I'm still working through a lot of my demons about relationships, security, and my own need to control--and they only seem to come up around her. I hate seeing my sweetheart in what looks like an abusive dynamic, but I also trust him to take care of himself and learn his own lessons. I expect we'll all be in each other's lives for awhile yet and I want it to feel easier. How do you think I can best handle interacting with her? I can't always avoid it, and I want to be kind and respectful to her and their relationship, even if I don't approve of it and don't like her personally. Have any of you handled something like this? How did it go? Is there something you wish you had or hadn't done? Should I risk being more honest and vulnerable with her, or would that be a terrible idea? I'd like to be able to cut through the bullshit games, but I've already tried many times to reassure her that I respect her relationship, and I'm scared because she twists what I say, and I'm not always sure she's hearing what I mean.
I'm in a happy, stable relationship with my partner of 6 years, Jean. We haven't always been so happy, though. I used to struggle with codependence, and for years we fought a lot and I'm sorry to say I wasn't always honest with him or myself about what I wanted and what wasn't okay for me. I thought the problem was polyamory, that maybe I was actually monogamous, but it turns out it was codependence!
When I started going to Codependents Anonymous meetings, I got the courage to tell him what wasn't working for me in our relationship, and I even left for a little while. When we were broken up, our friendship and trust in each other deepened and we slowly became lovers again. Since then, our partnership has been founded on nothing but real intimacy and generosity toward one another. It's really beautiful!
I've also realized I LOVE polyamory, and I'm even good at it. I've had a great time getting to know a few of his lovers that have visited recently, and he gives me great dating advice. I really love sharing someone I love with other people I care about.
The problem is that while Jean and I were split up, he began a serious relationship with another partner who combines all my hardest qualities when I was at my most codependent + then some--she's insecure, isn't honest about what she really wants and feels, feels jealous of everyone he's involved with, and fights with him constantly. I feel, and Jean has confirmed, that what she wants is a primary partnership with him (we're all doing non-hierarchical here), and even though she's excessively nice to me, she has no real interest in getting to know me and has twisted things I've said to her when she fights with Jean.
As a recovering codependent, my first impulse is to try to fix their relationship so it won't stress me out as much as it does. I hate seeing him distraught and full of self-doubt after she berates him for spending time with another lover. I hate that he's made the choice to go through this toxic rollercoaster of dishonesty and insecure attachment again. I'm in recovery, but he isn't! And I'm also afraid he thinks things will just sort themselves out if he waits long enough, like it did with me (because I actively worked on my mental health and relationship skills, which he isn't doing).
I know I can't change my partner, and I've stopped trying, but now my codependent brain fixates on this new partner when I wish I wouldn't. I'm happiest when I don't interact with her much, or think about their connection much, which depresses me. That's not how I like polyamory to look. But it seems to be the best way to curb my codependent impulses. She and I will have one slightly snarky interaction (If I say, "Oh, did Jean tell you it's been rainy here for days?" she'll say, "Yes. I talk to Jean every day. He tells me everything about his days. Thank you for letting me know about the rain, but yes, I already knew as I am in very frequent contact with him.") and I'll spend the next few hours writing her letters about how she needs to work on her insecurity and how I'm not trying to compete with her, honestly, and then deleting them because it's would be 100% wrong to ever send them.
Clearly, I'm still working through a lot of my demons about relationships, security, and my own need to control--and they only seem to come up around her. I hate seeing my sweetheart in what looks like an abusive dynamic, but I also trust him to take care of himself and learn his own lessons. I expect we'll all be in each other's lives for awhile yet and I want it to feel easier. How do you think I can best handle interacting with her? I can't always avoid it, and I want to be kind and respectful to her and their relationship, even if I don't approve of it and don't like her personally. Have any of you handled something like this? How did it go? Is there something you wish you had or hadn't done? Should I risk being more honest and vulnerable with her, or would that be a terrible idea? I'd like to be able to cut through the bullshit games, but I've already tried many times to reassure her that I respect her relationship, and I'm scared because she twists what I say, and I'm not always sure she's hearing what I mean.
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