Weird Feelings

Vicki82

Active member
So I've been *around* for a while. Ups and downs, practicing some version of nonmonogamy since 2012 now. Divorced, remarried happily (2 months!) to a wonderful man who I've been with for four years.

Our relationship agreements from the beginning were to be open & poly. I had other partners when we met (although those relationships changed shape), he didn't. We've both had other sexual partners, some shared and some not, but it was much more in the context of going to swinger's clubs or casual hookups at parties or events.

Due to wedding planning and such, we've both been relatively monogamous for the past year or so. We've had the occasional hookup, but very rarely. I've noticed that I miss having other intimate connections in my life. I talked to him about it, and let him know that I'm missing both the occasional casual sex, and also just generally more connections. He is very supportive of me pursuing something, whether that turns into a shared casual sex partner for the two of us or if I find a deeper connection for myself.

The issue is that I'm having is that I'm feeling ways about all this. While we have been open our entire time together, the only poly relationships I've had were preexisting. And I haven't really had to deal with him having a romantic relationship at all- the closest thing he had which was much more of a best friend with benefits imploded because the close friend decided to be a cowboy and freak about us getting married, and now is not in our lives.

So I have all the monogamy programming ringing in my head, like it would be different if I had MET someone, but because I'm actively wanting to look but with nothing specific in mind does that mean there's something wrong with us? Is this going to damage my connection with my husband? How will this change our marriage? How would I feel if this was happening the other way around? Well- I think I would be hurt a little in the identical reverse situation or at least feel out of sorts even though I would be supportive.

I don't know. I'm not really sure how to deal with these feelings. There is no other "someone" yet, although I am chatting with a number of people. And I want to pursue something. And while I am open to FWB I am kinda feeling like I would really like a more meaningful relationship if things work that way.

I'm not really looking for anything specific either. What does that mean, that it's not say one specific need that I feel is lacking but that I still want a new connection?

My husband is my best friend and I love him. Our relationship is very strong and I'm not worried about losing him. But I still have this mess of feelings. I even said to him today that it doesn't make sense that I'm the one who is upset over me looking for someone new :p

I'd appreciate any thoughts or comments! Thanks.
 
Hi Vicki,

I am thinking that the weird feelings you are having will gradually recede if you pursue poly just a little at a time. I must admit, it is odd to have those feelings when you are the one doing the dating, not your husband. But that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with it. You are just trying to prepare yourself for every kind of possible situation. You want to explore a new connection and that is reason enough to look for one. As long as your husband consents. And he does consent.

Try not to drive yourself crazy overthinking things and/or borrowing trouble. Just take things a little at a time, and your weird feelings will gradually recede.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm really good at the overthinking thing LOL. Kind of a hallmark of mine!

I guess a big part of it is that my husband and I spend SO much time together. Because we're both disabled, we do whatever work we can mostly from home. He goes out with his friends one night a week and pretty much all the rest of the time we're together. Seriously!

So he's definitely my best friend and I love being around him, but it feels a little weird to go and leave him at home. And it would have to be that way since one of us needs to be home with kiddo. Budget doesn't stretch to babysitters.
 
That's rough, you would have to get used to leaving him at home while you went out to hang with someone new. Your son is probably still too young to be left home without a sitter.
 
That's rough, you would have to get used to leaving him at home while you went out to hang with someone new. Your son is probably still too young to be left home without a sitter.

Very much so. Tonight I'm home by myself while he's out for his one night a week and I know it's no different... but it's different :p

Sometimes I get really caught up in my own head.
 
If each of you gets one night a week, that seems fair ...
 
If each of you gets one night a week, that seems fair ...

Until he gets a new partner lol. Starts to really erode our evenings together if I want to balance that out, in terms of both time and spoons.

But that's a future problem. I want him to be happy too.
 
If each of you had three nights a week, you would only have one night together. :eek:
 
That's kind of my point. Notwithstanding the chronic illness which definitely would not allow for that many nights out, but we need quality time together too.

It's one of the reasons that we are very clear that we aren't able to provide a primary level relationship even if the right person happened to come along. It's just not something that can fit into our lives at this point, between health and parenting. Secondary to us doesn't mean less feelings or less important, it simply reflects our reality of being able to put less energy in that area.

I've gotten into some ugly arguments online about that, but I really don't see what's wrong with it as long as we are clear and up front about that particular boundary. We don't have a preset list of "rules" or anything like that. We fully hope and desire for any future partners to tell us about their wants and needs. There are just some things we can't offer. I see that as being in touch with our own needs, though.
 
As long as you give your partners due notice ahead of time, I think it is fine to limit those relationships to secondary status.
 
Thanks, I appreciate the support.

I had a date (date #2) last night and it went really, really well. Brain fog is already starting to set in. Holy crap, NRE already?

I'm still kind of feeling ways about things and worried about how it will transition my spousal relationship, but I guess it's going to be a thing we will find out. I know it's only been two dates but I'm kind of hoping that this one will be around for a while.
 
Re:
"I know it's only been two dates but I'm kind of hoping that this one will be around for a while."

Sounds like a good one.
 
I think it's natural to want to make connections with people. We are social beings after all. And if you love sex with multiple partners, and also crave another romantic relationship, well, that's poly for ya!

There's a saying in poly circles, that you've probably heard, love is infinite. Time and money are not.

I didn't want to pursue fulfilling my poly nature until after my kids were teens and pretty self sufficient, and we didn't need to pay sitters. So as a result, I didn't practice dealing with multiple relationships except in high school and college, and then a long gap until my early 50s when my 3 kids were nearly grown. Also I just didn't have energy to seek other partners when I was so busy with kids and their dr appointments, activities and messes and pets, etc., etc.

Many others that have come through this board do practice poly with younger kids. However, many of them choose secondary partners who are comfortable coming to their house and having the kids around at least some of the time. Of course, the nesting partner would have to be cool with the new poly partner being in the house too.

But many poly peeps who want to practice poly when kids are around do have enough income for sitters, or a local helpful grandma, to take on the kid(s), to free up their time for dating and adult fun.

A guy I just started seeing has a full life. He has 3 kids in shared custody with his former wife. His fiancee has 2 kids from her former marriage, also shared custody with her ex. So they do have some child free time mid week and every other weekend. She is poly and dates. He has another gf of 2 months he sees once a week (I think? maybe he doesn't see her every week). Yet he assures me he can also fit me into his life! He is hungry for multiple partners since he lived Christian and mono with his first wife, yet it was never fulfilling for him. So he is excited to make it all work and be in balance. He and his fiancee both work from home, so on our second date the other day, he brought his laptop along and checked in with work a couple times while he was here. He has said he and his fiancee have a current agreement to spend 3 nights together, and have 4 nights for others, or for the kids, per week. We will see how it goes.
 
Thanks for your reply, Magdlyn. Maybe it is natural... but it worried me a bit.

We aren't in the income bracket of being able to afford babysitters often, but we're lucky enough to have friends who will help out sometimes. Normally, one or both of us has to be home. He goes to bed early so it's easy to have a date night when he's home except we can't go anywhere.

My husband doesn't mind if I bring people home. I'm probably a little fussier about that but I will try to give him the same respect. Unfortunately we have different personal boundaries about the house and since it's my house, I have the ultimate trump card. But of course, I want him to be happy too.

I'm not sure I'd be happy with only 3 nights a week with my husband. We spend nearly all our time together honestly, and I really do like that. Right now I think it won't be so bad since I'm combining my date night with his friends' night, but I worry about if things evolve. I would also not mind hanging out in a group but it's not the same as having either one of them to myself.

My husband isn't currently looking for another partner because he says he feels like he's very low on spoons even for our relationship at the moment. I am sure this will change in the future though.
 
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